SHHHMMMF

“Oh wow. You’ve tied those ripes so tight, Green Garey.”

“Aye know.”

“I mean they are just really, really tight ropes. She’s all tied up.”

“Aye. Indeed she is.”

“Poor Dorma. Who knew she’d completely forgotten to check her blood sugar before going off on her murderous revenge quest? Crumpling over, nearly dying…And after you’d gone and goded your semiautomatic crossbow.”

“Aye’m just glarrd aye had that parrcket of instarrnt hot chocolarrrt in me pockarrrt we foaaarce fed ‘er.”

“Me too, Green Garey. Me too.”

“Though it did make it harrrdarrr to knock ‘er out with blunt foarrce to the barrrck of the head afterwarrrrgds.”

“That it did, Green Garey. That it did.”

Pamela and Green Garey sighed in relief as they further admired how tightly Dorma was tied to the mast of the skyacht. Pamela filled her notebook with some happy lewd sketches. Then, they sat down and stared at the beautiful pielight sky.

“Green Garey, I have a question.”

“What is it, Parrmela?”

“Do you ever wonder…who you really are? If you’re maybe called to be something different…something greater?”

“No, Parrmela. Aye know exarrrgctly who aye am.”

“Okay but like…have you ever really looked in my notebook, Green Garey?”

“Unfortunately aye harrrve.”

“Unfortunately? Why Green Garey I’ve gotten so much better at sketching the naked human form! Another month of this and I could start drawing people dry humping with clothes on!”

“Please sparrre me.”

“Green Garey you’re not being very encouraging. What I was trying to hint at is that, maybe, maybe I want to be an artist. I want to fill walls in rich people’s chateaus with this stuff, Green Garey!”

Green Garey looked away and held back a shuddering gasp at the thought of walls covered in Pamela’s imagined sex scenes.

“Ye…have quite a vision, Parrrmela.”

“Thank you, Green Garey. I appreciate that.”

POOOOOOOIIIII

“Avast ye! What’s that sarrround?”

OOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

“I think it’s coming from up there, Green Garey!”

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

“Is tharrt a man on a rent-arr-pogo stiarrck?”

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

“It does look like that. What an interesting perspective! A wonderful opportunity to sketch—”

KKKCCKCKKSSSHHH

The pogo stick landed and the hulking mass of drunkenness that was none other than Bleu Louie hopped off it and drew a large, crusty cutlass.

“Avast ye!” Green Garey jumped to his foot and peg leg and dropped his crossbow. It shattered to pieces. “Oh cockharrmit!”

“Wellll welll welll…niceee to seee youu againnn, Greeen Gareyyyy…”

“Green Garey, you know this guy?”

“Parrmela, this is he! It’s Bleu Louie!”

Bleu Louie hobbled forward, tossing the pogo stick aside, kicking the ever scribbling Pamela out of the way and pointing his blade at Green Garey’s neck. “Hennn yesss it isss! Noww, Greeen Gareyyyy…Where’ss my clucking osssstrich?!”

“Avast ye?”

“I tip youuu offf…like the greeat guy I amm…and alll youuuu do issss spilll the beaaansss and get Ssseared Brissket killed! Welll now I’m gonnna searr your brrrisket, chuppyy!”

“Tharrt isn’t a sex thing, is it? Because if so aye am not interestarrd.”

“It sounds like a sex thing,” Pamela added, “But I’ll need some more details if I’m to draw it out. Demonstrations are okay too whatever twerks best just let me know okay thanks.”

“It’sssss notasexthinggcockhammit!” growled Bleu Louie, twirling his cutlass flamboyantly and nearly nicking his own neck before gliding it back to brush against Green Garey’s.

“He sounds pretty defensive, doesn’t he, Green Garey?”

“Narrgt as defensive,” Green Garey reached through his coat melodramatically, “As arrrgcting in defense!!”

SHHHK

Green Garey brandished a shimmering cutlass of his own and knocked Bleu Louie’s out of neck range.

SHK SHK SHHHIIII SHK

With a slash and yet another slash he rebuked the foe, sending him wobbling backwards in surprise.

“Wellll welll, Greennn Gareyyy, I seee you’ve been traained in the wayy of the blaade…” Bleu Louie raised a drunken eyebrow, and then he slashed back.

SHKSHISHK SHKSHKSHK SHHHIIIII

“Aye. Me farrrtharrr gave me this swaarrrd,”

SHK SHK SHKSHKSHI SHKSHISHK SHISHKSHIII

“It helped him deal with many unruly clients ‘o didn’t warrrnt to pony up,”

SHKSHKSHKSHKSHK

“Green Garey did you just say your dad used a cutlass on his own clients?”

“Aye!”

SHKSHKSHKASHKASHIII SHISHKSHI

“Youur timinng is immmpecable…”

SHKSHKSHK SHKSHKSHI

“Buuut isss your depth perccceptionnn?”

SHI SHK SHKSHKSHIII

“There’s no need to be an aaaargsshole.”

SHK SHK SHII SHK SHK SHK

“I waaas juuust tryinng to breaak up the monootony of fightinng withh somme playfull banterrr!”

SHKSHKSHII SHKSHKSHIII

“Avast! A charrrglie hoarrrrgse!” Green Garey froze, dropping his blade to clasp his one remaining calf muscle with his one remaining hand.

“Shhhit. Aree you gonnna be alllright?”

“Yes yes jus’ give me a second and aye’ll be right back at ye jus’ one second…ooh aye tharrt is the spot much better whew…ugh it’s coming barrck arrrgain…don’t worry aye am fine…ugh…”

“Heeere, loook, maybe I can helllp youuu,” Bleu Louie walked gingerly over to Green Garey and—

THWNGGG

walloped him in the forehead with the butt of his cutlass.

“Avast ye!” Green Garey cried as his hook hand reflexively shot up into the air, piercing what was undoubtedly Bleu Louie’s perenium.

“AAAAAAAIEEEEK!” Bleu Louie screamed, flopping to his knees and wailing weakly as Green Garey yanked away his hook and wiped it off with a kerchief.

“Aye’m sorry Bleu Louie, but ye tried to at the very least give me a concussion,” Green Garey calmly put a reassuring hand on Bleu Louie’s shoulder.

FSHH

Actually, it was Green Garey’s hook hand he had rested on Bleu Louie’s shoulder and it had just slid into his skin.

“OHHH COOCK PLEASSE JUST SSSTOP IT! I GIIIVE UP COCK HAMMMMIT!” Bleu Louie cried, tossing his cutlass aside and rolling into the fetal position. “Juussst…just leaave me alooonee…”

“Ye know, it were ye who arrtacked me.”

“I knoww I knoowww…I’mm in soo much painnn…orrr am I?!”

“Avast ye?!”

Bleu Louie’s cocked his head up to look Green Garey in the eye and his horrified mouth twisted into a wide smile. Then, he took his hands and peeled the skin on his face back to reveal an even older face with a right eye patch. Then, he took his right hand, and tore it off to reveal a hook. Then, he took his left leg, and tore it off to reveal a peg leg. And then she scratched his butt, but accidentally used the hook, and jumped a little.

“Avast ye!”

“Avast ye indeed, Green Garey.”

“Why, ye aren’t some random drunken man on a rent-a-pogo stick marrd at me for messing up his fixed ostrich racing game named Bleu Louie!”

“No, aye’m not.”

“It’s been a while.”

“Tharrt it has, Green Garey.”

Pamela gasped so hard she almost passed out. “Green Garey, is this, i-i-is this your fath—”

“It’s nice to see ye arrgain, Purple Perry.”

“Green Garey please I have to know it’ll inform my sketches i-is this guy your fath—”

“What?” Green Garey turned to Pamela. “Mee former secrargtary? Naye, Parrmela, aye nevarrr harrd one. Aye do all me paparrgtwerk meself. Always harrrve.”

“No no no Green Garey I need to know is he your fath—”

“Faith healarrr? Naye, aye’ve nevarr really been in to that kind of thing, Me spirituality is more of a self-contained, take it as ye go, take tharrt with tharrt and this with this and—”

“Green Garey is he your father?!”

“My fathaar?!”

Green Garey turned to Purple Perry and they both burst into farty guffaws.

“Hoooly shittt Green Gareyyy I can’t belieeeve she thinkss that!”

“That’s my parrrgner for ye!”

“I don’t understand what’s so funny! I think I deserve to know!”

“Purple Perry is me brotharr’s wife’s second uncle! Psssh! My fatharrr! Tharrgt’s absurd!”

Pamela sighed, then realized that at least this realization made her earlier notes less disconcerting.