“Look!” Biscuit Pisser ejaculated in a hot white flash right in the middle of the conversation, “I’m worried about those guards! They saw my face!”

“They also looked as intelligent as that ostrich’s shit,” spat Krumbumbum, “They probably already forgot they were looking for you.”

“No no no you chuckacluck! I remember what I saw in their eyes! They’re after bloood with me you clucking knapsack napkins!!”

“What are you trying to say?” Krumbumbum turned to Biscuit Pisser with an eyerow raise.

“Stop trying to seduce me you hamned she-demon!”

“I’m not trying to seduce you.”

“Will you two idiots please get the cluck out of my vomitorium already?”

“As soon as I get the help I need! I think the only way I’m gonna get out of this one is some sort of disguise.”

Broderica and Krumbumbum looked at eachother. Broderica wiped some barf off her chin.

“Biscuit Pisser, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

“I don’t know Shitface I can’t read minds come on now!”

“He wants me to make him a woman!” cackled Krumbumbum.

“I don’t want you to! I need you to!”

“Biscuit Pisser are you sure you aren’t just feeling a little left out or something?” posited Broderica.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Occupied!” all three of them shouted.

“Oh, hood hood hood, glad to hear it glad to hear it,” muttered a muffled voice beyond the vomitorium door. “Please take a look at this and if…any…of you see this fellow turn him in immediately.”

A thin sheet of parchment slid under the door frame. Krumbumbum picked it up.

“Oh feathery shit!” she ejaculated.

“What, have you seen ‘im?” asked the voice.

“Oh, no, no no, he’s just so ridiculously ugly in this picture is all. I was afright from pure gross horror, that’s all.”

“Ah yes, perfectly understandable. Stay safe now.”

Krumbumbum put her ear to the door and listened to the man wobble away.

“So what’s the deal Krumbumbum who is it?”

She turned the parchment to Biscuit Pisser so he was face to face with a magically exact rendering of his own face.

“Well cluck me sideways,” he groaned, “Now I’m really in for it. You’ve gotta make a woman out of me now!”

“Not so fast!” Krumbumbum tutted as Broderica barfed again. “It’s gonna cost you.”

“Do I look like I have any money you clucking magician?”

Krumbumbum’s eyes grew dark and she leaned in closely to Biscuit Pisser so that they could smell eachother’s rancid breath.

“Never call me a clucking magician again.”

“Okay?”

“Now, as for your fee,” she continued, “You’ve got to let me call you Biscuit Pisser.”

“WHAT?!” he screamed.

“Can you lot keep it down in there?” ejaculated a muffled voice to their right. “You’re really messing up the rhythmn of my dry heaving and I’m afraid the vomit will never come if you don’t up a quit your yapping.”

“Sorry!” screeched Broderica.

They continued their argument with voracious whispering.

“You can’t call me Biscuit Pisser you weren’t there you don’t know why they call me that it wouldn’t be right!”

“Oh it wouldn’t be right? Almost like killing a prized ostrich wouldn’t be right?”

“I didn’t even kill the ostrich you did I am honestly furious they’re blaming me and not you!”

“Well it’s your fault anywhathow I mean you were harassing it.”

“Ugh! Women!” Biscuit Pisser spat. “Fine! But you have to know why they call me Biscuit Pisser to call me Biscuit Pisser. Cats-pees?”

“Sure sounds great tell away Biscuit Pisser.”

Biscuit Pisser flinched on hearing Krumbumbum call him Biscuit Pisser.

“Okay, it all started back when Shitface and I…” Biscuit Pisser leaned in close and started whispering the story quietly into Krumbumbum’s right ear. She chuckled, cackled, and guffawed. Broderica, finished vomiting, leaned in to eavesdrop, and dropped in once in a while with a whisper of her own when she grew concerned that Biscuit Pisser was leaving out key humiliating details. Finally it was over, with Biscuit Pisser red in the face and Broderica and Krumbumbum shining with giggly joy.

“Alright, Biscuit Pisser. Let’s make you a lady.”

Lady Krumbumbum twisted her left earlobe in a wizardly fashion. Then, she twisted her nipples, but even Biscuit Pisser found it more surgical than arousing. Then, she dug through her belly button lint.

“Uh,” Biscuit Pisser grumbled, “How much longer is this gonna be?”

“Don’t rush me this stuff is just really tight in there,” Krumbumbum whined in exasperation as she excavated fibers from her navel. Eventually, the deed was done, and she promptly dropped them on the floor of the vomitorium.

As soon as the lint hit the floor, Biscuit Pisser transformed in an instant into a woman, who suprisingly enough still had a bit of a mustache and beard thing going on.

“Well? How do I look? Beautiful no doubt?”

“Oh, you look,” said Broderica. Biscuit Pisser waited for her to complete the sentence, only to realize with sadness that that was the complete thought.

“I’m sure you two are just jealous of me,” Biscuit Pisser retorted, stroking her beard, “I bet you wish you could still grow one of these, eh? None such luck for you! Hah hah!”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Excuse me!” whined the voice of the owner of the late Petunia (alias Seared Briscuit). “Are you quite done vomiting in there? I quite need to spill my guts?”

“Go spill em somewhere else!”

“You’re not nice,” squeaked the man as he slumped away, undoubtedly with a mouth full of stomache acid.

“So,” said Biscuit Pisser, “You guys wanna go gamble or something? I’m magicing lucky.”

***

Pamela and Green Garey magically emerged from their arena tunnel inside a claustrophobic closet. Green Garey’s peg leg had materialized inside a moldy mop bucket. It was humid with pungent, stale air. They could hear what was surely hundreds of voices bustling about madly outside the closet. Pamela shuddered at the thought of how many naked forms she would soon be filling her notebook with.

Pamela groped her way around in the darkness, fondling for a switch to flick or perhaps a pole to firmly grasp (with which to steady herself with). Soon enough Pamela found herself both squeezing tightly a broomstick and tugging hard on a string pull light. Light flooded the tiny room.

“So what do ye think these things do exarrrgctly?” asked Green Garey as he flicked many of the switches at once like a hopping herbivore.

One of the switches noticeably cut the power in and outside off, and Green Garey hurriedly flicked it back on. They listened to the people outside groan and then sigh in relief and continue their crazed jabbering.

“LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY’S GETTING FREAKY IN THE MAGICAL BREAKER CLOSET,” ejaculated a cutting, raspy voice.

“Oh my cock,” Pamela sighed. “This is clucking ridiculous.”

“Aye, mate—paarrgtner. Aye. Aye wonder where we aaaargh.”

Pamela reach for the knob, noticing is was slightly sticky. Still, she gave it a hood twist and a light pushing and the door cracked lightly open. Three eyes, her two and Green Garey’s one, peeked through.

They were in the large back room of what Pamela instantly recognized as the East Caldonia ostrich races. The pomp of peoples’ outfits mixed with the endless helpings of ale and smokables in every corner made that abundantly clear. There was a large mouth on two legs standing near the doorway that was obviously some sort of ill thought out warlock transmutation.

“Do ye think ‘e shits out of it too?

“Green Garey! That’s inappropriate!” Pamela scolded as she attemped to quickly approximate the naked, genitaled shapes of the bodies beheld to her.

“Aye was just saying. Doesn’t quite look like ‘e’s got another hole, really.”

“Green Garey!” Pamela ejaculated, and, losing her concentration, leaned forward, pushing the door wide open. She and Green Garey both tumbled face first in the dirt that the legal conglomerate that was the East Caldonia ostrich races had cast spells to generate in the enclosed area to make it magic more, as they had put it, racey.

“LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY JUST CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET,” bellowed the mouth man.

“Excrete me,” Pamela interjected, spitting sand from her cracking lips. “Please refrain from your blatant ejaculations. We are members of the Royal Gourd, and are here on official business.”

“LOOKS LIKE TWO MEMBERS OF THE ROYAL GOURD JUST OFFICIALLY CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET.”

Pamela sighed, pulled herself to her feet and began walking away.

“Avast, matey, might ye tell me something? Do ye have…ehrm…well that is…do ye do both of the duties out the same end?”

“LOOKS LIKE ONE MEMBER OF THE ROYAL GOURD WANTS TO KNOW IF I HAVE AN ASSHOLE.”

“Aye…don’t know what else of an answer aye expected…” sighed Green Garey, mostly to himself.

“LOOKS LIKE THE SAME MEMBER OF THE ROYAL GOURD THAT WANTS TO KNOW IF I HAVE AN ASSHOLE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT ELSE OF AN ANSWER THEY EXPECTED.”