“Could our new teacher Plush please come on stage?”

…

“What.”

I sit still, hoping that I just coincidentally happen to have the same name as the teacher, however when the important looking people on the stage all turn to look at me I resign to my fate and approach the stage.

“He...Hello…” I say to the man who had told me to come on stage, in response he nods.

“See those fancy blue markin’s on the ground? Stan’ there and everyone’ll be able to hear what you say.”

“... Am I supposed to give a speech?”

“Nah, just say hi ‘n stuff, maybe put on a lil’ show.”

“Oh, okay…”

‘Is he related to that sheep girl from before? Or is it just the local accent?’

I walk up and stand inside the “fancy blue markings”.

*cough* “Hello? Hello? Yes, hi…”

“”… … …””

“Erm…”

“”… … …””

“Right! Hello! My name is Plush and I guess I will be the new magic and miscellaneous teacher!” I say loudly, my stage fright and anxiety getting worse by the second.

“”... … ...””

‘You’re not helping!’ I shout at the students in my mind.

‘Okay, what can I do to lighten the atmosphere? Back when I went to school the only way I could get through presentations and class readings was by throwing in jokes and distracting people from me… That’s it! I’ll do something really flashy and distract them!’

“Alright enough of that, first impressions are important so let’s do it with a bang!”

I close my hands together and start casting two spells in the cavity between my two palms, one of the spells is simple, all it does is glow brightly to catch people attention and make them wonder what’s going on.

The other one though?

‘Maybe this is going a bit over the top, but none of the other teachers seem to be trying to stop me so it can’t be that bad right?’

While everyone was busy being distracted by the fancy light that I was no doubt holding in my hand I activated my second spell.

*tap tap*

All the students turned around simultaneously.

I mean, why wouldn’t they? Someone just simultaneously tapped them all on their shoulders after all.

Then while they were looking the other way I took the opportunity to use not a spell, but rather to use one of my skills, namely Risen Apparition.

‘I wish my skills had easier to remember names, like Risen Apparition, who the hell even thought of that? Why not just call it ‘illusion’ or something…”

Without anyone noticing I create a large flat illusion between us and the students, see through from our side and…

Well…

See through from their side as well.

But here’s the kicker: sure, they see through the illusion, but they see through it behind the stage.

From their point of view they will only see what’s behind the stage, in other words it will look like we just disappeared.

I stood still where I had been standing and just looked at all the confused students.

“Well?” I ask, confusing the students even further since they couldn’t see me. “I may be a complete nervous wreck when it comes to standing on stage but at least you should know that when it comes to magic I’ve got a few things up my non-existent sleeves.”

Then as a final trick I change the illusion into a large cloud of smoke before making it disappear altogether, to the students it will have looked like the stage just reappeared in a puff of smoke.

Looking down at the students and seeing their stupefied faces I felt like the atmosphere was just right for leaving.

I walk off of the spell circle that I was standing in and approach the man that had called me up to the stage.

“Ehm, right, when I said I was a nervous wreck I wasn’t kidding, is there an infirmary or something where I could go rest?”

“Bob, take this guy to the teachers lounge.”

* * * * *

‘All things considered that still went better than expected.’

I was currently laying down on a sofa in the teachers’ lounge and looking at the ceiling.

‘I may have gotten a bit carried away though... All I wanted to do was lighten the mood but then I somehow got caught in my own pace and started spouting about my magic prowess… Oh god just remembering it is embarrassing me!’

Even though I don’t blush anymore due to the whole “not having any blood”-thing I still cover my face with a pillow out of habit.

‘Okay, I have to do something to get my mind off of that.’

I get off of the couch and look around the lounge for something to do, and as luck would have it the lounge happened to have a stove and sink in one of the corners.

‘Cooking! Yes! That should help!’

I jog to the stove with a pep in my step and take out some ingredients out of the…

‘Out of the…’

I pat my back.

‘Right… No book… Wait, maybe they have a big kitchen where they cook the food for the student!? Maybe I can borrow something from there...’

I walk to the door and exit the teachers’ lounge, then I walk back through the corridors and down to the ground floor.

‘If I remember right I think I’m pretty sure that I saw the cafeteria when I was walking through the school with the sheep girl earlier, shouldn’t be too hard to find then, right?’

Following some very vague memories I walk down a few stairs, through a few corridors and eventually reach the cafeteria.

As if.

‘Good god, how fuking large is this place!?’

Yup, I was completely lost.

‘This place all looks the same! I swear I’ve been through this corridor a dossing times already!’

Having reached the end of my patience I simply phase through the floor to reach the lower level instead of continue to try finding the stairs.

Coming through the floor (or does it count as a roof now that I’m below it?) I actually find myself right where I wanted to be, in the kitchen.

I was still phasing through the roof with only my face showing, I wouldn’t want to jump down and fall in a soup or a cauldron after all.

There wasn’t anyone in the kitchen so I dropped down to floor and started trying to find someone in the nearby rooms.

“Hello!? Anyone here!?”

Every time I passed through a door and entered a room I came into yet another kitchen, they weren’t all as big as the first one but it seemed like it was yet another never ending maze of rooms.

“...”

Since no one was answering to my calls I decided to just stop and cook something up regardless.

It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission yeah?

I start heading back through all the smaller kitchens, since they were all shaped the same I thought it would be easy.

I walk out of the small kitchen I was in and-

“...”

-and instantly find myself back in the bigger kitchen.

‘I don’t… What?’

Despite having walked through tens of similar rooms to get to where I was I only had to walk through one to get back here…

‘... You know what? Fuck it! Let’s just start cooking something!’

I start looking through the nearby surprisingly modern looking fridges, freezers and pantries to see what’s available.

“Let’s see… I don’t see any rice so I can’t make any curry… no potatoes either… Oh! Breadcrumbs, flour, eggs and beef! Yes! It’s been a while but I’ll make some schnitzel!”

At this point I’d started talking to myself, it’s a habit that’s hard to stop when you’re alone you know?

“They don’t have the proper schnitzel hammer thingy so I’ll have to make do with a frying pan. Actually before that, do they have any bags? I mean they shouldn’t have any plastic but ,maybe they’ve found a way to make do?”

I look through the pantries once more and find a small box with a roll of bags.

“Really, this place just keeps surprising, it’s supposed to be a medieval era world and yet they somehow have all these modern appliances and stuff… What’re these bags even made of?”

I take the roll of bags out of the box and hold them up to to the lights.

“Wait, lights?”

I look to the side of the roll of bags and look directly at the lights on the roof.

This isn’t something you can normally do but since I don’t have any real eyes I’m fine.

On the roof I could see a bright white… something… that was giving off enough light for the entire kitchen.

And then it moved.

“Don’t tell me…”

I moved to one of the doors leading out of the kitchen and get ready to flick the light switch.

“It can’t be… But then again knowing my luck it probably is…”

And then I flick the switch and turn of the lights.

“... Okay, maybe I should’ve thought that through a bit more.”

In my free hand I cast a simple light spell and conjure up a small white ball that works like a flashlight, then I point it at the roof where I had last see the moving light bulb.

“No…”

Right where the light bulb had previously been was now a head-sized spider scuttling along the roof.

“No, it can’t be!”

I turn the light back on and see the spider’s abdomen light up like an LED lamp.

“...”

I look back down from the roof and go back to the kitchen.

‘Ignore the giant spider above you, ignore the giant spider above you, ignore the giant spider above you…’ I start chanting in my mind.

Despite being freaked the fuck out my curiosity over the plastic bags still got the better of me and I once more brought them up so that the light of the lamp shone through them.

‘That’s right, it’s just a lamp, it’s not a giant spider that could cover my entire face at once, it’s just your normal light bulb-’

And then the spider moved once more.

‘... Let’s just not look at the lamp, okay?’ I think to myself.

Despite not having found out what these bags are actually made of I get to work and start making the schnitzels.

First fill three small bowls, one with some flour and salt, one with breadcrumbs and one with eggs that I then proceed to whisk together with some water.

I cut up the beef into small nugget sized pieces, put one inside one of the makeshift plastic bags and-

*BANG*

*BANG*

*BANG*

Start hammering it with a frying pan until it’s flat, I then take the almost-schnitzel and dip it in the flour, then I bathe it in the raw eggs before finally covering it with breadcrumbs and putting it on a frying pan that I’d prepared previously.

The schnitzel was about the same size as the frying pan so I could only do one at a time.

“Man, it’s been so long since I cooked outside the book that I forgot how long time it actually takes…”

Although it took much longer than normal, cooking still helped me take my mind off of things like my embarrassment and the giant spider on the roof so I simply stayed there for a good while and kept making more schnitzel until I ran out of beef.

*sniff sniff*

“My, that’s some mighty fine smelling stuff you’re cooking there!”

“!”

From behind me came a squawky old voice, the kind of voice you’d expect from a rickety old man.

*munch* “Mh, don’t mind me, *gulp* pay attention to the frying pan instead.” The squawky voice tells me however I still turn around to see where the voice comes from.

*munch munch*

There I see… A thing…

“Wha… What are you!?” I asked the floating bundle of octopus tentacles.

“Goodness! For someone so good in the kitchen you sure have a nasty mouth!” Responded the creature as it turned its… beak?

“Nasty mouth!? Says the guy eating the my food without permission!” I shouted back at him.

“My kitchen, my rules! Rule number one; head chef gets to eat what he wants!” *chomp* “Rule number two; Only the head chef is allowed in the kitchen, so git! Ah, hey! Don’t steal the head chefs food!”

“It’s not your food you weird octopus! I swear I ought to make squid rings out of you!” I say and take a bite out of my hard earned schintzel.

“Squid rings!? Oh you racist piece of cotton!”

“!? Like you have any right to talk about racism!”

I take the plate of schnitzels away from the tentacle create and put them all in one of those plastic bags.

“Rule number three! Don’t talk back to the head chef!” Squawks the creature.

“Okay well here’s my rule number one! Shut up!”

“No!”

“Alright, you broke my rules so I break yours!”

“Damn it!” Said the creature and slammed a curled up tentacle into the stove.

*thud*

“I only broke one of youre so you still have to listen to the other two!”

“Oh fuck off! And why are you so damn focused on making these stupid rules!?”

*gasp* “How could you say that!? The kitchen needs rules to have order!”

“Oh, well one of those rules wouldn’t happen to be about thanking the chef when they make you food would it!?”

“Of course there is! That’s why I said ‘thank you’ when I started eating!”

“When did you say that!?”

The creature raised one of its tentacles and opened its beak ith a smug expression.

“...”

“...”

“... Oh.” It said and lowered its tentacle again. “Well that aside-”

“No! I’m not dealing with another ‘that aside’, we’re getting to the end of this!”

“...”

“...”

“... Your hurt feelings aside-”

*thud*

I threw one of the schnitzels at the creature.

“...”

“...”

*munch munch* *gulp*

“This-” I started, however I stopped due to smelling a nostalgic smell.

*sniff sniff*

I smelled the air once more to be on the safe side.

“Okay, fine, I’ll follow your rules and leave the kitchen.”

“Good! Take that door to leave!” Said the creature and pointed to a different door than the one I’d tried leaving through before.

I walked out the door without saying anything else to the smug looking octopus ball and found myself back in the corridor.

“There you are!”

I turn to the voice and see Bob; the guy that brought me to the teachers lounge

“Here, you’ll need this.” Bob said and held out his hand.

“... I don’t know what you’re playing at but I’m not going to put on a collar with a bell.”

“It’s not a collar, it’s an armband. And you don’t need to wear it, you just need to bring it along.”

“Why?”

“Well, this academy likes to play tricks on people.”

“Trick people? How does a building trick people?”

“Well… I’ve been wearing my armband since I came here so it hasn’t happened to me yet, however I heard from some other that it like to put people in endless corridors and stuff.”

“... Oh.”

‘Well that explains a lot…’ I think as I hurriedly wind the armband around my arm like you would wind a rubber band that’s too big around something.

"GYAAAAA!"

"... Did you hear that?" Asked Bob.

"Hear what?"

"I'm... Not actually sure, it sounded like Ol' Beaky wa screaming."

'Beaky? Guess that's the head chef then.'

"You must be imagining it."

Bob was quiet for a while and trying to listen for more of Beaky's screaming, however when all he was greeted by was silence he shrugged his shoulders.

"Guess so. Well, I gotta go now, teacher stuff to do. Also, Plush was it? Since we don't have any lessons today the headmaster told me to tell you to back to the teachers lounge and try to find your schedule for the rest of the week and then your free to go."

"Oh, okay, but how do I get back to the lounge then? Is there a map somewhere?"

"Nah, long as you wear that thing the school will h3lp you get to where you want."

"Alright, thanks."

'Sweet, then I can go to the principal's office and ask how they knew I'd be here.'

I took one last sniff in the air and savoured the smell of fried octopus before walking away, it's not every day that a giant tentacle creature willingly puts one of its tentacles on a hot stove you know?