Chapter 31

I grab a coat and head outside. At the doorway, I hesitate and toss the coat back inside. It should be warm enough.

The empty street greets me with its quietness, while the polluted city air feels fresh in my lungs after the stale room air. All-in-all I would say it’s quite pleasant outside, but not pleasant enough for me to consider waking up this early to repeat the experience. Mom always did say that my middle name is ‘Laziness’.

Finally, I see my target – a 24/7 open petrol station. Let’s just hope they are not out of hotdogs. Last time I was here, they had a sale of 2 for 1 price. By the time I got there, I was left empty-handed.

A bell rings as I open the door and the overly warm shop air, flows over me. There are already people in line, beats me why would anyone be here this early. Are they gamers too? On their quest to fill their stomachs, they stop at the local Inn for a glass of mead and bowl of stew. I wait for my turn; the shopkeeper tells me that the meat is not yet ready. So, I sit in the corner and browse some journals in the meantime.

As I’m getting intimately familiar with the latest agricultural feats of ‘Farmers Digest’, loud shouts turn my attention back towards the cashier. Some drunk punks are displeased about the quality of their burgers. Goddamn teenagers, when I was their age… Nope, I’m too young for the old guy impression. This keeps up for 10 minutes until they finally leave and I get my order.

A few minutes later I’m sitting on the sidewalk a few streets away, finally munching on my less than satisfying hotdog. It took way too long to get what I wanted. Next time, I should just order some food. As expensive as that would be, at least I won’t have a problem with drunkards ruining my morning.

My vision refocuses as I leave my reverie and I notice I’m not alone. Under one of the parked cars, I see glowing green eyes, looking at me or rather at what I’m eating.

Another stray cat, trying to find food. This one chose the wrong neighbourhood. There are no old grannies around to feed the animal. It’s full of industrial buildings and pipelines.

With a sigh, I pluck the top of the hotdog, getting my hands dirty with ketchup and mayo and toss it under the car. My aim is off and with a loud hiss, the cat is gone. I can only hope it doesn’t think that I’m an asshole who tosses rocks at animals. Welp, if it’s that hungry I’m sure it will find the dropped piece later.

I finish the last bite and head back home to sleep. I really should fix my daily schedule. These gaming marathons are killing me.

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The repairs sure are taking their sweet time. While the basic cells are mostly fixed and the cancerous shell, while expensive, grows fast, it’s the tail that’s problematic. It’s taking forever to heal and not due to lack of materials. Either the complexity of the object plays a huge role in fixing the said thing or there is some kind of arbitrary respawn time limit on movement skill.

Welp, that’s it! I’ve decided to just roll with it. Bitch gon’ heal while I’m hunting. I carefully dig myself out of the small cave I made while hiding and look around. I can finally let go of the proverbial breath I’ve been holding. It seems I won’t need to dig an escape tunnel – there’s no sight of the sawface.

Slowly, I keep moving along the seabed, paying close attention to my surroundings. The lack of tail is quite noticeable. Like going from 2k gaming rig to office PC. Currently, I’m the old guy in a tractor - moving 30km/h on a highway. I’m the sloth family’s husband – on my way to visit the mother-in-law. I’m the… Yeah, I think I got my point across.

That being said, at least got something good out of this fight - knowledge. I can finally handle using my inventory offensively. Sure, the resulting pressure wave might be too much for some of my cells, but my new cancer coat does dampen the blast. Not to mention that with my lifestyle, I should work on my masochism fetish. I’ll take pleasure over pain every day of the week. I only need to reach an enlightenment point where such sensual change is possible, and then I’m golden.

Alright, let’s drop the stupid fetish talk. Let’s get hyped! We can finally go dynamite fishing! Honestly, this excites me more than it should. I can already hear Susan murmuring something about men and their stupid love for explosions, but frankly - I don’t care! Besides, I’m way too deep in shit right now to care for any impending lawsuit so let’s just go for it - ART IS AN EXPLOSION!

Speak of the devil – I found my new test subject. In front, was what I can only describe as a cash-cow. Something large enough to provide plenty of biomass, but without the pesky complexity that comes with the dangerous organisms. It’s blind and relies on the touch. With the only defence being its lame poison – also known as the same kind of individual, which I hunted by the hundreds on the surface. It was time to test my pressure bombs.

Test 1

I near my target and copy its pace. Now, how much do I use for this? Let’s go with half a gram of sand. I choose the body part closest to my enemy as the exit point and release. A small wave later, there was a gram of SiO2 cloud floating nearby, and my enemy was happily floating away unhurriedly.

Test 1 - Fail.

Test 2

I relocate closer to the slowly moving cow, and this time up my charge to 5 grams. This should be enough to at least nudge the bastard. Point my big toe forward - RELEASE!

Ugh, okay I felt that. I hope the effect was worse on it though. A quick look tells me that I lost my quarry due to resulting blast sending me spinning around. The target, probably, was sent flying somewhere else. A quick search confirms my suspicions – it’s alive and kicking. At least, I presume so by the lack of obvious body parts lying nearby.

Test 2 – fail

Test 3

I found my next test subject hiding on one of the nearby plants. Or rather than hiding, it's stuck. Clearly, the perfect test subject.

Hmm, it’s time to raise my payload even more. Though, how much would be okay? I don’t want to waste even more sand than I already have. It takes time to collect more and time spent digging, is time spent fighting off waves of boredom. Would twice the amount do it? Maybe I should up it a little bit mor…

Ahh, what the hell?! I try to turn my body to see who is biting me, but for some reason, my vision remains static. The only thing my efforts manage to achieve is the swaying of the nearby plant. Goddammit, any more of this and my thrashing will release the prisoner. The burning feeling in my side grows worse by the second and I’m still stuck. What in damnation is holding m… oh right – carnivorous plants.

Deep in my thoughts, I didn’t realise that my body had drifted towards the plant. Now, something was either holding me with vines, or the whole plant was covered in a glue-like substance. I’m telling you now, the feeling of being slowly digested alive is not the most pleasant of experiences. Believe me, at this point I’m a pretty good judge on these things. One day I’ll make a top 10 list of the worst ways to experience being a cellular creature. Though, I’m sure there are already 3 videos with that title on YouTube.

Eh, fuck it! Let’s just blow this whole place. 100 grams away!

*Boooom*

When my vision finally returns, I find myself lying near a crater. The burning sensation in my side is still growing stronger by the minute and it’s joined by what I presume feels someone who stepped on a landmine. I guess I should be happy I don’t have any bones, fractures can be a pain in the ass. Oh yes! I just thought of the perfect analogy! You take a bag and put some small animal inside, then you smash the bag with a baseball bat for about 100 times. The result should look similar to my current predicament.

I hate that stupid jokes are all that is left to me, but… I’m just too tired to feel sad again. Let me be a clown for a little while longer. I can always wallow in despair later.

Anyway, I’m free from plant and only a small piece of leaf is left clinging on my side. The digestive fluids it emits is just another thing I have to keep an eye on while dividing my dwindling resources.

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Similar to last time, while it still takes a lot of resources, my thick hide is the first to regenerate fully. Next, are the regular cells that make up my bulk. The tail is still in repairs, but, thankfully, the blast came from the opposite side so it only got a few new scratches.

*sigh*

Now even the plants want me dead. It must be some kind of divine punishment for the time I managed to kill my cactus by forgetting to water it for a year.

My fat slob of a body, slowly rises from the excavation site I’ve dug while rehabilitating. I managed to refill my sand stockpile, but the dent repairs left in biomass only grew worse with time.

I shudder, thinking about all the things I’ve been through. Even now, my skin feels unnaturally tight on my body. As if being half-shredded has become my natural state of being.

As I make my way back towards the treetops, my body absorbs another stray cell. These guys are becoming less and less relevant. I need to find something bigger to refill. I survey the nearby plantation, my glow only barely highlighting the surrounding plant silhouettes. Thankfully, it’s currently a day and the sun above makes it easier to navigate.

Wait, sun? I stop and look up, into the brightness above. There is no sun there – only a huge glowing serpent slowly slithering above me.

I freeze, unable to muster up any proper plan of defence. It’s, frankly, awe-inspiring. I’m like an ant watching an elephant. Where did this beast come from? At this point it’s quite clear I’m somewhere different than the small puddle I was before, but still, this is some Jurassic park bullshit.

I’m unsure of what to do if the beast decides I’m a nuisance. No amount of sand that wouldn’t kill me, would stop it. I won’t be able to escape it by digging or running. So, I do the only thing I can - sit still and watch as it slithers away while I pray to whatever deity out there that it doesn’t take a fancy to the insignificant me.

Thankfully, it seems it was only interested in the disturbance my experimental bomb made. For the briefest moment, its head turns towards the crater, but then, just like that, it turns away uninterested. As the beast’s main body passes, sweeping waters herald the arrival of its tail and I’m swept away from the crater, and when the water finally calms – the beast is gone.

For the sake of my sanity and future, I’ll make a promise right now: “One day I’m going to kill you and I’m already looking forward to the loot you will drop.”

We all need a goal worth living for.