If you don’t have six plans, you don’t have a plan.

Hybris

1 Hour Later - Leethy - Math Lab (and Zoom)

I get to the Math Lab a little too late, Hybris has already started her lecture. She’s a nice girl who’s about to teach a math class over Zoom. She’s also an electric hottie with the natural elegance of a Bond villain.

“Hey, I notice that most of you have your cameras turned off. That’s awesome. Next week my camera will be turned off as well. Hygiene is a pre-pandemic preoccupation.

“I’m Professor Hybris. Welcome to Mathematics 4069 - Relationship Game Theory. Or as it’s colloquially known, The Endless Negotiation.

“Game theory is the science of strategic decision making. Relationships are where decisions get made. Also, babies. But mostly decisions.

“In a normal game, the goal is to win. In a relationship, the goal is to keep playing. Playing endlessly is weirdly harder than winning. But if you pull it off, the sex will keep happening. So there’s some motivation.”

Hybris sees me and mutes her mic. “Can I help you, gorgeous?”

I nod. “Yes. But let me watch you work first.”

Hybris smiles and goes back to teaching sex math. She makes me feel complicated emotions.

“There’s a lot of disagreements in every relationship. This is inevitable. You are two different people, you will obviously have different opinions. Sometimes these differing opinions will cause conflict. That’s okay. Fight all you want. Relationship quality does not depend on how many conflicts you have, but on how you behave during them. In many ways, the fights are the relationship. It’s an endless negotiation. If that sounds like a bummer, don’t worry. There’s also sex, and kids, and help with the chores, and help paying the bills - lots of good stuff. Ironically, that’s also the stuff you’ll be fighting about, but that’s why we said the fights are the relationship.

“Now that I’ve got you thinking about joining a monastery, let’s talk about the correct way to fight.

“People generally approach conflict in one of two ways:

Aggressive - Getting what you want is more important than keeping people happy. Passive - Keeping people happy is more important than getting what you want.

“Both of these techniques work well. Also, they’re both garbage.

“It’s because they work so well that they’re garbage.

“Applying pressure to someone is a great way to get what you want. You will have a lot of success with it. If your meal wasn’t good, say you won’t pay for it. Fuck’em. If you’re unpleasant enough, people will do almost anything to make you go away. But in a relationship, you never go away. So eventually your partner does. And they take all your hard fought victories with them.

“Hiding your unhappiness to keep the peace is just as pointless. Again, it works great outside of a relationship. If your meal wasn’t good, say you loved it and never go back. Fuck’em. There’s lots of places to eat. Everybody’s replaceable. Except in a relationship, where you keep going back to the same person. Lying about what you want means you will never get what you want. Eventually, you don’t even want to be in the relationship. So you leave. You tricked someone into treating you like shit, then you abandoned them for it. What was the point of that?

“The correct way to fight, in an endless negotiation, is to be Assertive. That’s where you’re careful to keep both of you happy. At least enough to like each other.

“To do so, you must be kind and honest. Calmly explain what you want, and what you’re willing to do. Listen carefully to what your partner says. Ask questions. You’re not a mind reader, you don’t know what they’re thinking. Don’t let anger or fear convince you otherwise.

“The goal here is to disagree without hurting each other's feelings. To not give in to rage or quiet resentment. It’s tricky, but if you do it right, there’s a good chance your relationship will end anyway. Because that shit’s complicated, and doing things the right way is no guarantee of success.”

She mutes her mic, turns to me. “Are you here to fuck me?”

“Uhh, I’m not, but I want to.”

“Awesome. Take off your clothes, I’ll wrap this up.”

“You’ve only been teaching for 3 minutes.”

“It’s heavy stuff, they need time to absorb it.” She rifles through her notes. “Also, the rest of the class is just a list of aggressive and passive shit couples do to each other. It’s too depressing to read.”

“Don’t they need to know that stuff?”

“They’ll figure it out. Take off your clothes.”

I shrug and slip out of my shoes. She turns back to her computer, unmutes her mic.

“Okay, time for some homework. Who has more disposable income - a cohabiting couple with college educations or a cohabiting polyamourous trio with highschool educations? Document your sources and assumptions. If you find the trio has a similar amount of disposable income, do they gain the non-monetary benefits of college education? Like living longer and better health outcomes? Bonus question - how many live-in lovers would a household need to be in the top 1% of disposable incomes?”

I’m down to my underwear. Hybris is getting distracted from her computer.

“That’s the class. Go fuck up your relationships. I’ll tell you how to fix them next week.”

I tug off my bra, Hybris goes to close her laptop.

“Umm, Professor?” comes a tinny question over Zoom. “Wouldn’t this work just as well with roommates?”

Hybris sighs, reopens her laptop. “No. Roommates are disgusting animals that eat your cheese. Lovers are angels that lick your genitals. There’s no comparison. If you have any more questions, ask each other.”

I slink out of my underwear.

“But…”

“I said no more questions!” Hybris slams her laptop shut, tears off her clothes, and fucks me real good.

Later, in our afterglow, I ask about her homework. “So which is it? Is there more money in group sex than college?”

“I have no idea.” Hybris shrugs. “I’ll know when they turn in their assignments.”

“You’re gonna figure it out before next class?”

“No, I’m just gonna read what they figure out. Collectively they’re pretty smart.”

“Damn.” I pause. “Is this how you’re doing research now?”

“This is how I’ve always done research. You should see what my economics students are working on.”

“Fuck. Is this why you’re the most published professor at the university?”

“And the most popular with students. And I’ve got the most students on the honor roll. It’s like no one else is even trying.”

I rub my head. Well, I know I’m not trying. I’m pretty sure Horm’s lectures are pre-taped. Darn Hybris and her clever schemes. Wait, that's actually why I came here.

"Do you know how to tip over the economy?"

"Maybe. Why?"

I describe the dopamine mechanic. Horm's theory that the meaning of life is to get deeply weird in an endless task. Our plan to prove that we already live in a post scarcity world. Either by education or by bricking the economy.

“Sounds like you got a plan and a back-up plan.” muses Hybris. “I love it. Let’s do both.”

She gets up and starts doing Tai Chi. Or something. Could be really slow Kung-Fu. She’s definitely making slow Kung-Fu faces. I guess it helps her think. Burns off extra energy. Maybe. She’s still naked. Does a slow high kick. It’s not helping me think.

“Interesting, interesting, interesting.” She pauses, nods. “I’m interested. Roll a joint.”

“Okey-dokey.” I pull a jar of weed out of the Math Lab’s weed drawer.

“If Horm’s right about the dopamine thing…” She stops, looks at me. “Do we know if he’s right?”

“Not yet. We’re looking into it.” Maybe I’ll assign it as homework.

“Okay. If he’s right, then we can use dopamine to adjust people’s behaviour. Make a path forward. A trail of brain chemical breadcrumbs. Be like the Dao, control people by letting them do what they want. We just need to show them what they want.

“Cool.” I twist up a joint. “I like the sound of that. What does it mean?”

“People already have an assumed path of life goals. Finish school, get a job, buy a car, meet somebody, get the house, the kids, the dog. Be financially and romantically secure. Retire young, and don’t think about what happens next.

“That path is working out for almost nobody. Either their careers or their relationships flame out, and there goes their financial security. Enter loneliness and distress. Even if you navigate those twin perils, you have to watch your friends and family struggle, while we slowly lose everything to forest fires and pandemics. It’s not relaxing. And if Horm’s right, either meeting or failing these goals will kill our dopamine supply anyway. Which would explain the collective bummer society is going through.”

“So we need to make a new path of assumed goals? Something we can chip away at endlessly?”

“Yeah! Though, I’m not sure what that is yet. Maybe something like basic income, with collaborative science projects, and orgies at refurbished office buildings. Or something. Give me a couple days to work on it. I’m gonna assign homework like a mother fucker.”