Fedal

A part of me stubbornly wanted to go with them. Why don’t they want me to go to Razil? Do they think I’m useless? I knew that wasn’t the case. By now, even the most self-loathing bit inside of me told me that I knew better. Knowing something did not make it easier to process it though. Valle said he wants me here to take care of things while he’s gone. He trusts me to be able to defend his city…that’s a lot of trust. Especially considering how much he loves this place. That made it worse, in a way. I had developed my own way of dealing with life—it was easy to avoid disappointing people when I went out of my way to make sure no one had any expectations for me. Now, there was a chance to mess everything up.

Either they don’t think I’m useful and that drives me crazy, or they trust me so much that the weight of responsibility makes me want to run and hide. Fucking hell, I sure know how to not be happy. Don’t think there’s a single scenario that would make me feel okay with things.

“Hey, Fedal!” Carr shouted, recklessly climbing up the staircase to the rooftop with a wooden box. Valle kept him from falling down to the floor.” We got the drinks!”

But if I have to pick…I’m glad that they trust me. “Awesome!” I shouted back. “If you idiots are leaving tomorrow, then let’s have a good drinking night.” There is never going to be a time when everything feels perfect. Hesitation, nervousness…those are always going to be there. It’s not just me. It’s like this with everyone. So if I’m going to be a mess, it’s fine. At least I’m not alone. I know those guys have got my back.

And that was why I was really upset. “Damn it, I’m gonna miss you guys,” I said. It felt weird to be so open with my feelings. But by now I knew they wouldn’t make fun of me for saying them. Sure, I still felt pretty nervous when saying it, but they made me confident in taking the leap of faith every time. “Gonna be weird not having you guys around.”

“We’ll be back before you know it,” Carr said jovially, tapping the back of my shoulder and sitting down on the chair beside mine. “So hold the fort while we’re gone.”

“Are Max and Gilder coming?”

“No, date night or something,” Valle replied, closing the hatch door they had used to get to the roof. He strutted toward us, picked up a bottle from the wooden crate for himself, tossed two other bottles in our direction and sat down before making sure we had caught it. I did not drop that and that makes me feel so goddamn cool. “They have been really stressed out and haven’t really had much time together. Let them have some alone time. And it probably goes without saying that Valder didn’t feel like joining us. I did invite him, though.”

“Fair enough,” I replied, taking a sip of the drink. It burned in my throat. How much do those two drink? This is hard to drink straight. I need some water. “You guys better not die over in Razil, you hear me?”

“We won’t,” Valle replied sharply. Then, after taking a generous sip from his bottle, shook his head, laughed and said, “Probably.”

It was funny. Normally, Valle was the picture of properness and dignity. Tonight, though, with just the three of us, he appeared much more relaxed. Like the guy was actually human. His shoulders were looser than usual and it didn’t feel like he was dedicating much of his attention to keeping his chin higher than ours at all times. It had been his suggestion to drink here, at this rooftop. It was a favorite place of his, private enough, but also allowing him to overlook the city he loved so much. I can’t say I can see why he loves it so much, I thought, overlooking the city, it looks like every city I’ve visited in this world. But my friend loved it dearly. That was enough reason for me to care about it.

“You really think we might die there? Your father seemed pretty confident about it being a peaceful mission,” Carr said. He took another sip of his drink. “What, just getting worried for no reason?”

“We will be fine,” Valle said carefully, through a self-deprecating bit of laughter, “I might not be.”

I poked him on the shoulder. “What does that mean? Don’t go being all cryptic before you leave, bro. I’m gonna literally die of curiosity.”

Carr stood up from his chair and walked over to poke him on the other shoulder. “He’s got a point. Gotta talk, my dude.”

Valle looked at us both, laughed, then sipped at his drink. “I’m not saying I’m not going to talk about this. But I am saying I am far too sober to be honest. Too early in the night. These things have a way to go about them, you understand?” He waved his bottle at both of us mocking indignation, then smiled at the end. “We have to drink a bit more before you ask me unpleasant questions.”

“Forgive me if I’m lacking in protocol, Your Majesty,” I told him through laughter, “but I am not very used to drinking with friends.”

“What are you talking about?” Valle demanded. “You always drink with everyone.”

“That’s different,” I replied. “When we’re drinking with everyone, you guys are a different kind of stupid. Right now it’s like, well, the girls aren’t around so you’re allowing yourself to be even dumber than usual because you aren’t trying to look cool. Not that you usually succeed anyway while drunk, but you know.”

Carr extended his bottle between us, then said with a solemn voice, “And I will drink to that.”

We clashed bottles against each other and all took a long sip. For a while, it seemed like we were trying to see who could keep the bottoms of their bottles facing the moon for longer, but once alcohol started to drip from our mouths we simultaneously gave up, choked in our attempts to swallow it at all, and all reached for water at the same time. This is really fun, I thought. Fuck, I feel lame being so happy about this…but I never really had guy time like this before. It feels nice. I hope we can do it again at some point. That was a really lame thought, wasn’t it?

But Carr had told me to voice those lame thoughts aloud more often. Shit. Either the drink was beginning to take effect, or I had drank enough to blame my stupidity on it even if it hadn’t done much. “Kind of lame, but I am enjoying this a lot,” I said. “Haven’t really…done this before, you know? Just drank with the dumbasses.”

“That’s not lame,” Valle said, a surprising casual frankness in his voice, “it is nice. And I’m not very used to it either.”

Now that didn’t sound right. “Really? Mister Popularity, the glorious Champion of Cresna, didn’t have drinking nights like this?”

Valle laughed. “Not for a long time. I had drinking companions, but be they, ah, dancers, or rivals there was always a measure of political care about my words…and the amount I could drink. I still had to be dignified in front of them. To make sure that my position wouldn’t suffer from a misstep.” Here, to my surprise, Valle chuckled softly and looked down for a moment, appearing mildly embarrassed. “It’s a different feeling to drink with friends.”

He…feels the same way I do? Valle? The glowing ball of confidence? Suddenly that encouraged me, and I was the one to produce the bottle for a toast. “I will drink to that.” Again the three of us drank. “We’ll always be down to drink with you on this rooftop, Valle.”

Carr nodded rapidly. “Yeah. Can’t leave you having to be an uptight asshole forever, you need the time to be an idiotic asshole sometimes.”

“Poets, both of you,” Valle muttered, and we all laughed. After a pause, he said, “It wouldn’t be bad. I forgot how much I enjoyed drinking here and just…letting myself relax. Lord knows I needed that after these last few months. You know, losing to some chump without stats, starting a rebellion, watching god get killed, becoming king…been a rough few months, eh?”

“If it helps,” Carr started, placing his hand on Valle’s shoulder, “the chump without stats is really, really good, so no shame in getting your ass kicked by him.”

Valle shrugged off the hand and said, “Oh, fuck off,” gesturing as if to backhand Carr’s face, but the latter backed away as we all laughed. “Forgive me, insolent peasant, for trying to speak honestly with you. Perhaps I underestimated your wits. I was merely speaking about how this beautiful place used to be of great comfort, but that it has not been the same since she left—”

“—Sorry, sorry!” Carr shouted, and it sounded like he meant it too. “That’s fair man. You have had a rough…few…months…” Carr trailed off here, frowning at the start as he slowly realized something. Then, after a moment of silence, he grinned and said, “Wait, wait—since ‘she’ left?” Before I knew it Carr was beside Valle again, punching the side of his shoulder excitedly and saying, “What’s the story! Tell us!”

“That is not—I believe we just went over the etiquette for this?” Valle gestured at his bottle, still more than half-full. “Soberness goes against honesty in nights like these.”

My turn. I quickly dove to the wooden crater and produced a bottle of rum, much stronger than the mixed drink we had been going at so far. For exactly zero reason, I used a fencing step to retreat back to the two, and then looked Valle in the eye as I pushed off the bottle’s cork and took a swing. Okay, tastes better but holy hell this is strong. I am a baby, I can’t handle this shit. “Your turn,” I told him as I placed a hand on his shoulder, almost menacingly, “drink the rum, spill the tea. Who’s she?”

Valle looked up at me with a smirk that seemed caught between amusement and annoyed disbelief. “Seriously? Are you having that reaction from a single word indicating I used to have a drinking companion that fell on the more feminine side of things?”

Carr grabbed the bottle from my hand, then took his own huge swing from it. It pleased me that from his face he also appeared to think it was quite strong. With a sudden dash, he flanked Valle from the other side, placed his hand on that free shoulder, then shoved the bottle onto his rival. “You heard the Hero,” he said, his voice torn between menacing and ready to break into laughter, “spill the tea, not the drink.”

After glancing at both of us with something between exasperation and amusement, Valle smiled, shook his head and graciously turned the bottle upside down for a rather long few seconds before turning to us. “Fine,” he said. “Sit down, you annoying peasants. I hardly want to tell this story when you two are looming over my shoulder.”

We quickly ran to our seats, but moved the chairs so that instead of sitting beside each other we were now facing Valle directly. On one hand we lost the beautiful view of the city, on the other hand this felt more important. Our dear drunken Champion of Cresna looked at us both, sighed, then said, “There was this one woman—”

“Oooooh,” Carr said, before Valle tossed a bottle cap at his forehead.

“There was this one woman,” Valle repeated, as if unperturbed, “we used to be very close friends and had a few drinks together.” He stopped suddenly as if that was the whole story. I shouldn’t press it, I thought. If I press it, he might start to hate me. I…I really shouldn’t, right? My eyes glanced over at Carr, who had what I can best describe as a shit-eating grin on his face. Ah, fuck it. Friends are supposed to be assholes to each other sometimes right? “And?” I pressed on.

“And what?” Valle shot back. “That’s it! We used to be friends, and she left Cresna.”

“And?” Carr pressed.

“And—we haven’t had much contact since.”

“And?” I pressed.

Valle’s neck swung between the two of us, then he let it drop in defeat and said, “And we used to date.”

“Oooooh,” Carr said, and this time I joined him. Turns out, I also joined him in being on the receiving end of Valle’s surprisingly accurate bottlecap throws. We haven’t opened that many bottles, did he just bring those with him to throw at us when we acted up? “An old flame, eh?” Carr said, with a deliberately melodramatic tone to his voice. Suddenly he turned to me, and I felt the drunken pressure pile on. Shit, I have to keep the joke going! “Oh, Valle, I’m terribly sorry! I love you, but I must leave this city!”

“I love Cresna, but your ego takes up too much space!” I shouted back, miming as if being forced back. “I cannot breathe!”

“My Champion!”

“Oh no!”

Valle clapped sarcastically, and the fact he didn’t appear more annoyed told me the drink was probably being very effective. What he did next told me for sure that he was quite drunk. Instead of stopping us there, he raised his index finger to silence us, flashed us an ironic smile, and did the universal drunken motion of, ‘No, wait, it gets worse.’ We sat down patiently and leaned forward.

“And,” Valle began carefully, wincing, “she is the Champion of Razil.”

“Oh,” Carr said.

“Fuck,” I said.

Valle frowned, widened his eyes and opened his arms wide as if to invite us to understand the toughness of his situation. “And Champion of the World—and also probably princess of Razil or something, I don’t know.”

“Okay, okay, several timeouts,” Carr said, holding up his hand. “You—you used to date the World Champion? Estella or what’s her name?”

Valle drew a deep breath. “Yes.”

“And she’s from Razil?”

“Yes.”

“And probably a princess?”

“Probably. Her circumstances for being in Cresna were…complicated. She might just have some noble title there or something of the sort. I never really asked much about the details, and she never told me. They didn’t seem to matter at the time. We were young.”

Carr paused to process this information. “And we’re going to Razil,” he said slowly, “to get aid for the war against Johan. And you’re going there as the King in Cresna, the King of the Terra Inglesa, the leader of the rebellion against Johan.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re engaged to another princess.”

Valle sighed loudly. “Yes.”

“Oh, man.” Carr shook his head, staring wide-eyed at the ground before looking back at our friend. “You’re kind of fucked.”

“Carr,” Valle objected, “watch your language in the presence of the king.”

“Oh, sorry. Man, you’re royally fucked.”

“Thank you,” Valle acknowledged in deadpan. “At least be proper when describing my situation.”

Rum had hit me quite a bit harder than the other two and as such it took me a moment longer to process everything I had just heard. Even after, I was struggling to really understand what was going on. “Wait, is that really so bad? You guys used to be a thing, but you aren’t anymore. What’s the issue?”

“There is no theoretical issue. We were very mature when we broke up, and I have no doubt we can be mature once more,” Valle said solemnly. Then, with a more casual voice, he added, “That said, having my former partner meet with my current one when they are both possibly heads of state just seems like a rather disastrous time.”

“Yeah, I hear you,” Carr said, nodding twice. “It doesn’t sound like it should be a problem. It will probably be fine. But it still shouldn’t be good for your nerves, eh? How are you managing?”

Valle turned the bottle upside down for three seconds, then looked Carr dead in the eye and said nothing.

“Yeah, that’s fair,” Carr replied, nodding again.

“Moving on from that,” Valle said, “How are you and Celle doing?”

“Moving on from that? You really think we are going to let that really important bit of information go to gossip about my love life?”

I turned my chair to be beside Valle so we were both facing Carr. “Actually, yeah, I’m too drunk to care about the world defining events—what’s up with you two? Are you officially a thing yet?”

Carr glanced at me as if betrayed. For a moment I felt a jolt of fear that I had actually upset him, but his pretense at outrage was over-the-top enough to soothe my nerves. He smiled at us and said, “Not…quite?”

“Are you for real?” I shouted suddenly. My voice exploded so fast that I surprised even myself with the volume and suddenness of it at all. Still, I couldn’t stop myself. Was this idiot serious? “Dude, I had to change my room back aboard the ship because I shared a wall with you. A pretty fucking thick wall. Sounded like you were pretty official to me.”

“Oh, fuck, that loud? Uh, sorry.”

“Forget that, just—okay, explain this to me, how are you two not official yet?” Somehow, my exasperation was growing with every drunken word, and this seemed to cause Valle to laugh more by the second. “Considering how loudly official you were, and how two are all over each other—exfuckingcuse me, how?”

“Let me—let me explain!” Carr started. Valle’s drunken laughter gave him more time to gather his thoughts. “Listen, we openly care a lot about each other, and we, ah, well let’s say we are very familiar with what each other looks like without clothes on. We just haven’t gotten around to really saying certain things. So I guess we are sort of official, but sort of not really?”

Carr has always been the one lecturing me. I can’t even picture myself telling him off…but he’s being an idiot. And fortunately, alcohol brings the questionable gift of doing things before your mind can even so much as comprehend the action. “Carr, that’s fucking weak man,” I told him. “For the love of all that’s holy, stop being a coward—how fucking afraid of commitment are you?”

“More than Valle is afraid of going a day without cologne,” Carr replied. Wow. Zero hesitation in that reply. Did he have that comparison on standby?

“I’m no savage,” Valle said proudly. Zero delay in his response either. Impressive.

“Look man, you have literally parried the grim fucking reaper, fought against god, nearly died like seven times with a grin on your face, and yet you can’t ask a girl that you have already slept with out?” This baffled me more than anything else. It was almost incompatible with reality itself, it was like seeing a glitch in a video game. “The hell are you afraid of? Dude, she chooses to share a room with you when you have plenty of space, from I can tell from my time sharing a wall with you appears very happy to do some horizontal shit with you, puts up with your fucking insanity, leans her head on your shoulder whenever she can, and you’re afraid of making things official? You still think she might say no? What, you think she’s fucking Canadian or something?”

“What in the world is a Canadian?” Valle asked.

Carr shook his head. “Don’t worry about it.” He turned to me. “Look. You make fair points. Maybe I have been procrastinating because finding myself company on a Friday night and having a long relationship are two different things. Maybe I have commitment issues. Maybe that’s something we should talk about. On the other hand—how are you and Isabella doing?”

“I—are you fucking serious? You can’t just change topics to deflect—”

Valle picked up his chair and placed it beside Carr so the two were facing me. “I admit I am also curious. No, more than that, I am invested in this. Quite literally. Please, do tell.”

“Quite literally?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Nevada and I have a bet about when you two are getting together.”

“Are you serious?” I demanded, outraged. Then, suddenly, in a fit of drunken logic, my outrage left me and I said, in a genuinely flattered tone, “You bet on us starting to date soon?”

“I did.”

“Aw, thanks for the confidence man.”

“So,” Valle started, “how is it going?”

“Well—it’s going.” I said, nodding and appearing to try to sound confident. Under their questioning gazes, I immediately cracked and added, “It’s going nowhere fast. Look, I like her, but she’s…been through a lot. And she’s kind of hard to understand. And in case you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly good at this. I have never…I have never done this before. Not really. Not successfully.”

It almost felt like an attack. Suddenly, Carr had placed his arm around my neck, grasping it so tightly he almost choked me—though I did not know whether that was due to his pressure or my own drunkenness. “And you had never won a fencing match fair and square either. But remember the Team Match? Bro, listen, you fucking kicked Max’s ass.”

“Carr’s got a point,” Valle said. “I only tied with him, and you managed to beat him. That was quite impressive.”

“You can do plenty of stuff you haven’t done before. We believe in you,” Carr said, looking me in the eye.

“Thanks guys.” I paused, then looked Carr in the eye. “Do you have a bet on me too?”

“No,” Carr replied. Then, after a pause, he looked at Valle and said, “Can I place a bet still?”

“Ask your not-technically-girlfriend, she’s the one running the betting pool.”

“Of course she is,” Carr muttered. “Look, man…okay, I know it’s difficult, but just do your thing, okay? Just be yourself.”

“But not too much,” Valle added.

I laughed at this, slowly at first, then louder as the other two joined in on the laughter. Lord, everything was starting to spin a little. But this is so fun. I want to keep going…just a bit longer. “It’s going to sound stupid, and mildly pathetic, but I got a crush on her while we were talking one day and…I just don’t know how to translate that into asking her out. And unlike some people I have enough reason to hesitate here.”

“Well, you guys are going to spend a lot of time alone in Cresna,” Valle muttered. “So do your best.”

“Thanks,” I replied. Suddenly, I looked up at him as an idea came to mind. “Wait, is that part of the reason why you are making us both stay behind?”

Valle went on as if he hadn’t heard me. “You should take her to this rooftop. It’s a pretty romantic place.”

“Speaking from experience?”

“Just listen to me. You can have a few drinks here, yes, but also… .” Here Valle suddenly stood up and gestured at us to follow him.

This rooftop, I must note, was the one atop a villa overlooking most of the city from its tallest cliff, and pressed right against a wall. To our surprise, Valle guided us to the rocky wall to the side of the rooftop, and showed us that beneath that moonlit night we could make up a path hidden between the rocks. Hesitantly, we stepped through it, a mild claustrophobia wanting to keep me behind but a drunken courage pushing me forward.

A moment later we arrived at what appeared to be a small lake, surrounded by tall rock faces on every face, the only entrance being that small crevice we accessed from the rooftop. Now, this IS secluded and romantic. I guess Valle knows his stuff. But there is no non-weird way of asking Isabella to come up here. Maybe I should—

Before I could finish my train of thought, Carr had tackled us both onto the water with zero warning or shame. It was with relief that we found out that the water was deep enough despite being located nearly atop the city walls—where did the water even come from?—and that the water was heated. It was still a cold season and I would nothave enjoyed cold water. Fortunately, the water wasn’t so warm that it burned us either.

“Carr, what the hell?”

“You insane peasant, do you know how much my clothes are worth?”

But Carr only laughed, despite our annoyed complaints. He looked up at the moon, a sort of nostalgic smile about him. There was a certain soothing quality to his calmness that made us stop with our complaints and wait in silence while he finished his thoughts. “We won’t see each other again for a long time after tomorrow,” Carr said slowly. “It’s important that we do something stupid like this once in a while. The stupid things you do with your friends are the ones that stick the most with you…and they help you get through the day. When things get tough, when your daily routine becomes hell, you can always smile and remember that next time you see your friends you’ll get to be childish idiots again without a care in the world.”

Ah…so I’m not the only one who thinks like that, huh? Somehow, that brought me more peace than anything else. I watched Valle pass Carr the rum bottle—did he actually bring that with him or did he have one hidden in this place?—and found myself taking a deep, satisfied breath. “I’m really scared now,” I said, with a smile. “Everything sucks and it could get worse at any moment.” They waited for me to finish. “But it’s going to be okay, and we’ll drink here again at the end of this.”

“We’ll drink here again even if it kills us.”

“Most certainly.”

I laughed. “God, I love you clowns.”

“We love you too man.”