Kat — The Nameless Servant

The giant sea serpent reared its head at us, and I noticed, somewhat absently, that a single one of its three eyes were as large as my entire body.

At first, we had thought it was just a massive wave, a sort of ocean turbulence—we had experienced much of that since Johan showed up that one day—and assumed that we would have been safe, far from the docks as we were. Were it just a large wave, were it even ‘just’ a monster, distance and the elevated ground should have kept us safe. But it was not ‘just’ a monster. Creatures had been growing larger and larger by the day, their attacks more frequent. What do they want? I thought absently. It wasn’t an urgent thought, but it came to me at the time nonetheless, my mind dissociated from the terror before me. Do they just want food? They can eat animals or other monsters. It’s like even their basic instincts differ from other lifeforms. It’s not about survival. It’s about destruction. It’s as if they feed on chaos and death. It made no sense, for an existence like that to be real. And yet it stood before them.

“FALL BACK!” The sound of a guard’s voice summoned me back to reality. “EVERYONE, FALL BACK!”

The Serpent’s second eye looked straight at us and we felt our HP start to decrease. At some point, something had started to make us feel like we were dying, even if slightly. The damage wasn’t great, but the impact was severe. Knowing that it could hurt us just by looking made us hesitate, and that could have proven lethal.

“Kat—we have to go!”

“But—”

“Now! We have to get back to that guy. It’s going to be safe there!”

It’s amazing to see you healthy and standing on your own two feet, I thought. Even while we ran for our lives, it was hard not to smile at this. My sister had been sick for most of her life, so seeing her so full of energy, strong enough to drag me by my arm…it was so beautiful it almost made me forget the city around us breaking. Almost.

I don’t have a lot of Swordsmanship and I don’t think I can challenge that thing to a swordfight, I thought. I should let the soldiers handle this. But it wasn’t as though they were doing a great job of that either. They withdrew their swords and produced mighty explosions with their clashes, but their power grew weaker with each movement. This was not sustainable.

“Maybe we should have stayed behind,” I muttered.

“Are you crazy?” My sister asked. “We would have been killed if—”

“With Fedal and the others,” I replied absently. “Back then when Johan showed up. Then we would be with them. That would be safer than here.”

It had been extraordinarily hard to even get here, to the City of Morto, after escaping Johan. We sneaked into a merchant ship as it left the Arcship and had no idea where it was leading—it was just our luck that it had gone to one of the cities most affected by monsters. Then again, were it not so concerned with its survival, it would likely have noticed that we did not have valid passes for the city. But a jail cell would have been better than being probably killed in a few days. There is no way this city can hold.

“Don’t say that,” she replied sternly. “You made the right decision. We had no way of knowing they could survive him and Lord Johan would have wanted you dead after what happened.”

“Suppose so,” I agreed. It was strange. A part of me was this girl’s sister, but another part of me was still Katherine, the woman who was once Carr’s close friend, the woman who once loved Johan. In my mind, Johan was sometimes still the bright savior who rescued me from my darkest of times. Johan helped Katherine take care of her housing situation when she thought she would have to drop out of university. He was kind. No wonder she fell for him.

The Serpent was not a serpent.

This should have been a natural thought—why would this unnatural three-eyed monstrosity be shaped like a monster from Earth? Yet, all we could see above the water was its head and what seemed like a long, rectangular shape that looked like a serpent’s body. Now, another thought came to mind. What if that isn’t its body? I wondered with a calm terror. What if that is its neck? What if it has a body underneath it? Whatever was beneath that surface surely wasn’t just a long continuation of that serpent like structure, anyhow, for something that looked like a tentacle came out of the water and smashed against several soldiers and two buildings at once, destroying them all.

People shouted so loudly I could no longer hear them. It was becoming increasingly difficult to even run, as people fell over each other and the city’s increasingly steeper uphill climbs took a toll on the efforts to retreat. My sister was trying to be brave, but her panic had started to set in. She tripped, and I saw her eyes fill with silent tears, a calm acceptance over her fate overcoming her. NO! I should have tried to pick her up, to carry her over my shoulders and kept running. But I was not strong enough. A building nearby fell over, and all I could do sensing the incoming rubble was tossing my own body between myself and her.

This is it, I thought. I am strangely at peace with this. It’s strange…it’s like ever since I realized my memories come from two different people I haven’t really been able to understand who I am. To care about anything. Everything feels numb. But my sister felt warm in my arms and nothing else seemed to matter. This is fine. This is—

“Way to Twilight!”

Carr’s sword cut through the incoming rubble, separating it in pieces—no, evaporating it before it could touch us. His presence felt familiar, safe, and even in that numb state I felt myself smiling at him. “Carr—”

“Carter,” he replied promptly, his back still to us. “My name is Carter now. Let’s get going. I can use the Legendary Sword to keep us safe, but I don’t think I can kill that thing by myself…not without getting injured at least. And fuck it if I’m doing that for anyone but you.”

“Carr, those people need your—”

“Carter!” he snapped back. “And you can’t just ask someone to die over people they don’t know.”

“You don’t really know me either,” I said. I hadn’t meant to say that.

Still, if that bothered him, he didn’t show it. “Let’s get going. Do you know of anywhere safe?”

“Yes, but—”

The skies split. It was an odd thing to say, but the blue above appeared to fold within itself and reveal a darker shade beneath it, like torn paper giving way to something hiding behind it. It was an incomplete fold, as if shaky hands were conducting it. Yet those weak, guiding hands up in the sky shook but did not falter in their mission: the sky trembled, convulsed, and we heard mighty words from the sky above:

“I ONCE RULED THE HEAVENS—HEAR MY WORD: STAY OUT OF THIS CITY!”

The Serpent was flung back, like a magnet meeting its match. For a moment a part of its massive body was revealed from beneath the water surface and immediately I understood how someone could be driven to madness upon witnessing the unknown. I had been partially right in assuming that the creature’s long neck was leading toward a body of sorts, but this too would have been inaccurate. Multiple other bodies were attached to it, some looking like headless lions, others like they had started out as whales and then deformed into giraffes, some yet like they were nothing but an amalgamation of eyes loosely connected by a chain of veins. The only thing I could do as I witnessed that was continuing to hug my sister close against my chest so she did not witness it with her own eyes.

Then, the creature landed back on the ocean and produced a mighty wave that engulfed much of the city’s lower portions. Even from as far back as we had been, we could still feel the heavy humidity surrounding the air, making it hard to breathe and stopping us in an awed silence. “A safe place,” Carter repeated, “we have to get there. Now.”

Kat—Katherine, Johan’s Friend

We had agreed with the Devil not to bring anyone here, but it would have felt wrong to doubt Carr of all people. It was an entrance disguised through the void itself, and though the journey was quite short, it was still eerie. The little girl could not even hear things in it, so she clung on to me while I carried her to the other side. Carr was more natural in his journey—more natural than I was. Is it because his host body really journeyed through the void once? I just have memories of someone from another world. Maybe that is why it’s easier for him? My body ached at that thought. I didn’t like thinking about the fact that I wasn’t Katherine.

“Where are we?” Carr asked upon arrival. “Still inside the city?”

“Yes,” I told him. It had been a short journey, only two or three minutes of walking but it felt exhausting. More exhausting than running away from that monster. “The Devil doesn’t have the powers to make overly long Void hallways, but he can lead us through solid matter in some ways. This little hideout is located beneath the city of Morto, but there isn’t an actual door or entrance to it. You can only access it through the Void itself.”

“How fucking fascinating,” Carr said, in that unique way of his. The man had a way of making himself sound both bored and legitimately fascinated by something at once, as if incapable of not deriding something yet equally incapable of hiding his interest. “So, you abandoned Johan to work with the Devil? What a sidegrade.”

“Abandon him? He was going to get rid of me if I stayed behind!” I shouted. “There’s a goddamn factory of us.”

“Johan is our friend. He was never going to abandon us.”

“Well?” I demanded. “Did he abandon you?”

“That—no!” Carr exclaimed back at me angrily, but his hesitation was plain. “He just…he gave me a mission. I’m supposed to get the blacksmiths of this city into Wolfhaven.”

“Wolfhaven?”

“The capital.” Carr’s exasperation was growing by the minute. “Why is the Devil helping you? Look, he must be getting something out of this deal.”

The little girl stepped up. “Because he can’t be here at all times, and he needs someone to rely on to get food and other supplies to this hideout.”

“Why?” Carr demanded. “Why does he need supplies if he’s not here? Does he—”

He stopped himself when he caught glimpse of the frail creature on the bed. Instinctively, I put myself between the two, but Carr gently pushed my arm to the side and approached the sickly young man who breathed heavily and sweated feverishly in his sleep. For a moment I was afraid he would have attacked him, but instead he just placed his hand on his head as if to confirm the man standing in front of him was real. “Francisco?” he asked quietly, looking me in the eye. “The former god?”

I nodded. “He…he lost his immortality and much of his power. He can’t enact Rules as strong as he did before, and any Rule he enacts costs him his remaining lifespan, according to the Devil. Francisco is the only reason why the city hasn’t fallen to monsters yet.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” Carr repeated slowly. “Johan couldn’t have known he was protecting the city. If he wasn’t here, then the city would have fallen before he got his blacksmiths. What was his plan?”

It was hard not to chuckle softly here. “Ah…sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. I mean, I love him too, but you always seemed to think of all sorts of reasons to justify why Johan didn’t make a mistake. Always felt like it was easier for you to believe in any conspiracy than to think that Johan just happened to not be perfect too. I mean, I love him too, Carr, but—”

“Carter!” he snapped back. “That…that is my name. I’m Carter. Not Carr.”

“And you’re Kat,” the young girl chipped in. “Not Katherine.”

“I—yes. You’re right.” Suddenly, I felt myself become dizzy.

Kat — The Nameless Servant

“Feeling better?” Carter approached my bed with a glass of water and a platter of food, gently setting it down by the bedside table before turning to me. He put his hand against my forehead, then brought it back to his own face before presumably deciding that was a terrible way of knowing if I had a fever. “You nearly passed out back there, Kat.”

“Sorry,” I muttered back. “It’s just been…difficult.”

“To get a hang of things?”

“To stay sane,” I told him frankly. Looking up at him, seeing that familiar face that I knew belonged to a near stranger, I felt a measure of comfort. He was the only person in the world who truly understood me. Not just as Katherine, not just as the servant, but as Kat. As the person who lost everything and didn’t know who they were anymore. “Sometimes it feels like I’m one of them, sometimes it feels like I’m the other…and very occasionally, I feel like I’m ‘me.’ The new ‘me’ that emerged after finding out I was neither. And I don’t…I don’t know what that person is like. It’s scary.”

“Yeah.” He sighed and sat beside me on the bed. “But you have all the time in the world to figure it out. And you have a lovely sister helping you.”

“That is true,” I said. I didn’t know much about who I was, but I knew I loved her—as both the servant and as Kat. Even as Katherine. “Protecting her has been keeping me going. But knowing that I’m up against Johan is…difficult. You know how I felt about him…as Katherine.”

“I do,” he replied slowly. “I’m not sure you do, though.”

“What do you mean?”

Carter hesitated. He opened his mouth, then turned to face me, then faced away. Finally, he appeared to decide that this conversation required him to look me in the eye. “Katherine…never loved Johan.”

“What do you mean?” I demanded. “I can remember everything. She—she was going to lose everything, she could barely afford university let alone student housing, and then Johan, the mysterious, tall and handsome guy saved her. No wonder she fell for him. That’s logical, right? It tracks. It—”

“It’s what Johan thought,” Carter said quietly. “I wasn’t sure at first, but before I left I paid a visit to Johan’s ‘Academy’ where they train people to be like us. My memories were altered, but not too much. Johan could only tell the Nameless Assassin to change things he was aware of. I think eventually he became pretty aware of the fact that Katherine didn’t love him…sort of. Apparently the first few attempts at creating Katherines didn’t love him that way, and he felt pressured to change that. Blamed Nameless’s recreations for being inaccurate and the poor bastard had to change that himself. Don’t think Johan ever really understood why, but my memories”—Carter tapped the side of his head—“are pretty intact there.”

“What are you saying?” I demanded. This felt huge even if I didn’t know why. It was as if something inside of me was stirring. “Please, Carter, tell me more! I need to know!”

He hesitated, but only for a second. “Johan thought very highly of himself. Katherine and the others did too, but Johan thought just slightly higher of himself than they did. He thought that it would have been only natural for Katherine to fall for him, the beautiful man who effectively saved her life…and eventually, Katherine realized that Johan assumed that to be the case. She would have felt obligated to return his affections if he pressed the matter, but instead she was content to just sort of imply feelings she didn’t truly have. Out of compassion…or pity, if you think about it. She knew Johan’s ego would have been devastated if he knew she didn’t really love him. So she played along…and kept some things secret.”

“What did she keep secret?” I demanded. “Carter, I need to now. That’s—that’s half of my life!”

“Clara and Katherine were dating,” Carter replied. “Secretly. Johan couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that the woman he deemed worthy of his affections would date someone else, much less another woman, so he was wilfully blind to it. I’m sure that he could have realized it if he tried, but his ego would not allow himself to get to that conclusion.” Carter sighed. “Ah, Johan…you fool…”

“No, that—no!” My heart was racing at this. “You mean the feelings I have—not only are they not mine, they are not even Katherine’s?”

“Johan is a perfectionist. He loved his old daily life, but he tried to improve upon it while reconstructing it,” Carter replied simply. “You have no feelings of love toward him, just memories of a feeling that never existed and a brain that tries to rationalize them. As time goes on, it should be easier to let go.”

“But that—that’s! That can’t be!” I shouted. “That can’t be the case! Tell me, Carter, how sure are you that my memories were tampered with to this extent? Are you sure you are reading Johan’s ego right? Are you sure that—”

“Do you remember,” he started slowly, “that Johan thought I was jealous that you loved him?”

I hesitated. That much was there. I thought Carter—Carr—was jealous of Johan because he was in love with Katherine, but she only had eyes for Johan. It made sense in my head, as Johan was better than him in every way…or so it seemed. “I remember that.”

“Does that feeling seem natural to you? Like a memory you have?”

“Yes.”

“So it’s either a real memory or a memory implanted by Nameless—but it’s not a thought you got after ‘waking up’ as Katherine after being the Servant. With me so far?”

“Yes,” I repeated anxiously. “What do you mean by that?”

Carter rubbed the back of his head. “Well, do you remember us dating secretly before that?”

I was struck back by that. It wasn’t something we talked about often. Hell, that’s not something I ever think about. It’s been such a long time. I—shit. “I do,” I muttered slowly. “And that doesn’t really gel with you being jealous of Johan. We didn’t tell Johan because we already knew he liked me back then, I imagine?”

“Yeah.”

“But—wait, if Katherine is dating Clara, why was she dating Carr for a bit?”

Carter shrugged. “Katherine was about as straight as her epee, and she had a really good flick.”

Something about the joke was so stupid that it made me laugh, despite the existential dread starting to set in. Dark humor was often my best friend these days, and I found myself laughing and frowning at the same time when I looked up at Carter. “So, let me get this straight…Katherine dated Carr for a while, secretly. Then they broke up…because…” I searched my memories. This much I knew. “They decided they loved each other as friends. But they were still very close friends.”

Carter nodded. “And they refused to tell Johan to not hurt his feelings, because it was clear that he liked Katherine. Eventually, when she started dating Clara, Carr was the only person they told—because Jack was an imbecile who talked too much. God bless his heart, he would not have been able to keep quiet. Carr helped them be stealthy about it as much as he could.”

“Why…why are you telling me all of this?” I demanded. “Why do I need to know this?”

“Because you aren’t Katherine,” he told me, in a harsh but gentle tone. “Even your memories aren’t hers exactly. You might not be the Servant anymore either, but it might help to remember who you really are. To learn who you are. That the feelings Johan forced on you aren’t real. That you don’t need to listen to them.”

I nodded slowly. This hurt in a lot of ways, but it did make things a lot easier, even if made other things harder. “But it’s the same for you, isn’t it?”

“It is,” he acknowledged. “I know that much as it feels otherwise, I’m not Carr. Not really. But I’m something close to him. Much closer than you are to Katherine.”

“Then why,” I asked pleadingly, “why are you still working for Johan?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered back. “For the devil’s sake, I really don’t know! The man is a monster, and I know my memories aren’t real. I know both Duartes and Carr would have died before serving him, but Carter still wants his approval. To be told I did a good job. To be useful, to be his friend! I don’t wish I felt this way, I keep hoping those feelings will disappear, but they don’t! I still want to be Johan’s friend.”