I woke up after a refreshing nap, feeling better but thirsty. I almost summoned the canteen when I remembered Nanna told me to not use my powers. I stirred in bed and woke up my big spoon.

"Good afternoon, handsome," I cooed. "Did you sleep well?"

"I didn't sleep," He answered. "I was... watching to see if you'd have another nightmare."

I fought back the squeal. So cute! I leaned back and if it were about 20 degrees Celsius cooler, it would be even better. But we couldn't stay in bed cuddling. That pesky biological need for nourishment drove me out of bed.

And all I had to wear was the linen robe. It was nice and a natural golden but it was sleepwear.

"I'm having lunch here. What do you say? We could both eat here."

He went over me and jumped out. I got a good look at Clark. Faster than a speeding bullet. Perfection is an unattainable ideal. But I think we can work it out.

"It is rude to the host if we both eat here, Sandra. I'll go and have lunch with Abil-Kisu and then bring back yours."

"I'm starving," I purred. "Make sure to get me an extra-size serving."

Brandon chuckled. "I'll try."

"Send both Arwia and Belle-Sunu here before you eat. I need to talk to them."

He put on his pants and boots and left. I checked my right arm. It was better. Still a long way from what it once was. Three days. It didn't sound so bad anymore. But I had to correct some improper behaviors of my employees. Like, put down a corporate ethics code of sorts. Really who do they think they are to eavesdrop behind doors? A bunch of teenagers? Wait, don't answer that. They are a bunch of teenagers.

I let myself lie languidly on the bed, enjoying the softness of the mattress. I think it is down, not straw. Damn, this thing must be expensive. Abil-Kisu's wealth is orders of magnitude greater than Hama-Tula's. Or the former was bad at handling money. To think he had enough wealth hidden to pay off his debt twice over but preferred to bid his time and wait for Marduk's arrival. Then he would probably wipe out his debtors in the turmoil of the takeover. That was a man that liked to eat his cake and the dough at the same time.

I think it is safe to bring Rubati and Banunu back. They can get their kids and rebuild their lives. With as many stories of shattered families all around, I can do something to help at least one. And if I can rebuild the...

I should be resting, not plotting world domination. Or salvation. Or anything concerning the world, actually. That's too much for me. Even if it isn't I don't want any. For example, I could oppose Nephew and try to take over the city. It would be a disaster. I'm not fit to rule and I know it very well. The man is a walking corpse and it is sad to see him whither like that. Let him have his crown for the rest of his short life.

The same thing with the remnants of the army. I could use the Dime-cam to scout and find the stragglers, but then I would have to either deal with them or deal with the fact that I was somewhat responsible for their deaths or worse, enslavement. I decided to step back and not help.

Going after Marduk was an act of self-preservation. He was obsessed and wouldn't relent. But killing the prince and leaving things just like that could spur those soldiers that were with low morale into fanaticism. So I had to break the army as well or I would make things worse.

And here I was, wallowing in self-pity in a walled garden, on the comfort of a down bed, in the hands of a lovely man, while the soldiers I scarred for life wander the countryside, starving. I'm trash. I don't deserve all this. I should go away and find a hole to live in. It is more fitting for a monster like me. The state of my body was a punishment, I was sure of that. Yes, the suffering. I should redeem myself. Punish myself more. Maybe then the nightmares will end.

Maybe I can die and get back home.

It's been a hundred years.

I can't return to Earth.

I'm not worthy.

I'm trash.

No.

...

I wanted to cry but no tears volunteered to be shed. I felt dry. I couldn't find the strength to move. And I could hear nothing. I could only look at the wall. It felt as if the battlefield was behind me. If I moved, they would touch me. If I looked, I would see them. If I breathed, I could smell the burnt wood and flesh. They were looking at me.

The people I murdered.

They wanted their vengeance, I knew. Even Marduk. I killed him in cold blood. I, an assassin. You never know what is in a person until they snap. That meek girl that liked rocks and books died on Earth. I'm a monster. I'm not worthy of having her name. I can't...

"Sandra?" A sweet voice called for her.

Sandra is gone. Please leave a message after the beep.

"Sandra, talk to me!" Another high voice. A girl?

I'm sorry. Sandra doesn't want to come out and play. She is too busy trying to clean up the blood I put on her hands.

"What do we do, Arwia?"

"Nanna said she could be like this. That we should keep talking to her, take care of her, that she would recover."

"I can't see her like this. It's too sad! She was fine this morning, what happened?"

No. I wasn't fine. I was just pretending well enough. I don't deserve to wear Sandra's body. I don't deserve your care, your worries, your tears. I'm a monster. Unfit for society.

Power.

Power corrupts.

I felt invincible. I survived things that would kill an ordinary person many times over. I could do anything. I murdered Marduk because he was an insect. How dare him to think himself my equal?

"Sandra, please. Snap out of it. Look at me. Talk to me. It is I, Belle. I was so happy when you told me my name meant 'beautiful' in your language. Please, Sandra. We need you. You set us free, you showed us we had worth. Please talk to me!"

"Me too, Sandra. You rescued me from that terrible man. You went out in the middle of the chaos and saved my siblings. It is too sad to see you like this. Come on, talk to us. We are here for you. Tell us, what troubles you, Sandra. We will help. We will share your burden."

I can't. I think they are crying. Such lovely young ladies. So innocent. I see them moving in front of me, but they are blurs.

"What is going on here, why all this bawling?" The old lady's raspy voice came from afar.

"Nanna. It's Sandra. She is not talking, she is not moving. She just stares," Belle whispers between sobs.

"Humm. She's having trouble coping with what happened in the last few days. You see, her mind thinks of what happened and she loses the will to move on. Talk to her. If she speaks or moves, pay attention to her. Show her your honest feelings and she'll come around eventually."

"But she was fine this morning!" Arwia complained.

"It comes and goes. That's normal. The girl went through a lot. At least she isn't using her magic. See her hand? It's coming back nicely. Yes. Sooner or later she will come back to us. Between you two and the captain, make sure she never stays alone. Take turns and have someone with her at all times. Belle-Sunu, you go and try to sleep now, so you can be awake at night. And don't let her use her magic. Arwia, stay here and talk to her. Keep talking about whatever you want to. Come, Belle-Sunu. I have a concoction to help you sleep."

I hear Nanna and Belle go away. I shouldn't talk to them. They are pure, they never killed anyone. I'll taint them. I feel Arwia move to lie down next to me. She hugs me. I have to push her away but I don't want to.

I don't deserve it. But I want her to hold me. I need to know I am needed. I'm not worthy.

"Will you let me be your personal maid? You know, when my mother was alive, she always told me stories about princesses and magical warriors and about the wonders of the world. And you, to me you are one of those princesses. You are wise, kind, gentle, cheerful, brave, fearless. You are not intimidated by anything! Please come back to us. Talk to me. Would you? Just one word. We need you, Sandra.

"Take your time. I'll be here for you. I pledge myself to you."

She put an arm under my head and pulled me to her chest. She smelled of cheese and fried grease. And she was so soft. Was I this soft when I had flesh between my skin and bones? I wanted to cry but no tears came. It was just this unbearable pain in my chest. Locking up my throat.

I couldn't bear it anymore and my body shut down.

I woke up still in Arwia's arms. I could see dry tears on her face. She was breathing softly but when I stirred, she opened her eyes, we made eye contact, and she opened up in a beautiful broad smile.

"Hello. How are you feeling?"

I tried to smile back. I don't think I succeeded. "Like I had to clean up Chernobyl with a toothbrush," I replied.

She made a terse laugh. "Heh. I don't know where or what Chernobyl is, but I got the feeling. Are you hungry? Your lunch is served."

I felt the urge to starve myself. I demanded punishment and the kindness of the people around me was actually hurting me. I didn't want to feel like that but I couldn't help it. I don't understand, I was fine this morning and then this. That was not me.

Arwia pulled me and I stood up like a ragdoll. She moved me to the table and I sat and ate. I can't remember what it was. She talked to me and I answered with short phrases or grunts. I was hating to feel like that but I was trapped.

I went back to bed, to take a nap.

Brandon was the one to wake me up. I opened my eyes to see that nice and well-dressed craftsmen lady I saw at the council.

"Miss Rinaldi, it is an honor to finally meet you," She said. "Oh, sorry my excitement took the best of me. I'm Cloe, a seamstress. Brandon here told you about me already, didn't he?"

I wanted to run and hide. I was in no way to meet her, and I was wearing almost nothing. Brandon held my hand.

"It is okay. I told her you were hurt cleaning the poisonous ore and you are recovering. She understood. We want you to come with us. Nanna said that as long as you don't use magic, you don't need to stay here."

I nodded. Maybe leaving this room would do me some good. I was feeling trapped. Exposed. It is funny how you complain about underwear digging into one's skin but when it disappears you feel exposed.

"I brought some clothes, nothing fancy, that might fit you," Cloe. And you don't worry, I can adjust them later when you... recover."

She showed me some dresses. They all looked nice and very stylish compared to what I saw around. They also had a European feel rather than the greek-middle-eastern togas and tunics people usually wore.

"Did you like them?" Brandon asked, clearly concerned.

I nodded.

"Then, off with you, little Al-Amir. The lady needs privacy to dress up. Would you let Arwia in so she can assist me."

Brandon nodded, "She'll take good care of you, Sandra."

He left me alone with Cloe. I felt intimidated. I didn't want to show her my body. Not this shriveled body. Cloe folded the dress and placed it over the chair backrest. Then she sat on the bed.

"I've seen many with eyes like yours, Sandra. Do you mind if I call you Sandra? Those that suffered great pain. A great loss. Those forced to do terrible things that broke their hearts."

I shuddered at the last sentence. She noticed.

"I heard that explosion, you know. It woke me up. I only knew you had left the council but then Al-Amir told me you went missing and would probably attempt to do something to the incoming army. I didn't believe it until I woke up that night. But I won't tell you you did the right thing. I won't tell you it will all be alright, that it is going to pass. Because I did it back then with the refugees, and it didn't work. Because that is not what you need."

What she said rang so true it hurt. I didn't want validation of what I did. I knew it was terrible and I also knew it had to be done. I felt there was a 'but' in her discourse and I wanted to hear that 'but'. I wished that 'but' would be some universal truth that would set me free.

"What you need, is to think clearly. Which I know you aren't doing right now. A cornered person is a terrible thing. And you are cornered by yourself. We usually do terrible things to those that corner us and leave no other valid choice. I will give you two things, dear.

"My ears."

I was surprised. It was not what I expected. She spoke with wisdom and certainty that could rival Nanna, but what good would her ears do to me?

"I know you have some terrible things hidden inside your mind. Give them to me. Share your pain and sorrow with me. I promise to listen and only listen. Like I did with several other refugees of that wretched Death Snow. I will bear witness to your story. And I won't judge. Tell me, Sandra. Tell me about that night."

My mouth opened and closed and I started to bawl like a newborn baby. Cloe's words, spoken in a neutral tone that was not condescending, soothing, or judgmental in any way and her offer to listen to me were something that pierced that armor I had raised.

She was not judging me like I assumed Nanna did. Not worried sick and making me afraid of hurting them like Brandon. Or just play justifying everything and glossing over like Arwia and Belle. Her promise of just listening with a neutral stance felt so good.

And I told her. Of my ride through the wasteland. My encounter with the patrols. The tunnel. The conversation between Marduk and his general. Of how I murdered Marduk. Of the explosion. Of the wounded soldiers, the devastation. I told her of the blue water goblins. The lich. Nergal and Tarhun. I ranted on about Earth, and the people I missed so much. Oji-chan, my parents, Theresa. Joshua and Ivan. For some reason, I didn't want to talk about professor Andrews. I told her about how much I missed my classes. And she listened with a calm and relaxed face.

On how I missed going to a movie theater. On how I would never see how they would solve the train wreck that the latest Star Wars was. Eating ice cream. Browsing the internet and having people pester you with memes. The cold of winter.

Then I told her of the good snow. Water snow. Cold snow. White, soothing. Skiing, snowboarding, ice skating. She smiled.

And I was done. Cloe nodded and stood up. She didn't hug me. She just nodded and made a polite smile.

"Well, that was quite a story, Sandra. I thank you for sharing it with me. Now, do you want to try on the dress?"

I stood up. The linen robe was wrapped twice around me. She pulled the knot with her experienced hands and soon the robes were on the ground. She pulled a strap of leather with markings and started to measure me.

"I see. I will make the stitches loose so they can be easily unraveled when you regain your vigor," She finished measuring and helped me put on the dress. She took pins from her pocket and went around, pinching and pinning the fabric without pausing.

There wasn't a mirror in this room. I wish I had one. Cloe measured me again and pulled the dress off. She didn't steal looks at me or avoided her eyes. She acted so naturally around me that I didn't feel awkward. She pulled needle and thread and sat by the desk to sew the dress.

Someone knocked on the door and Arwia poked her head inside.

"Can I come in?" She asked, smiling. "I thought you might want these back..." She entered and showed me my underwear. "It took some time to dry."

I put on the two pieces and to me, it felt like I was donning full plate armor. It was loose. I knew I'd lost a lot of body fat but seeing the gap in my panties really struck home. I could adjust the bra straps to compensate for the loss of two or three cup sizes but...

A minute of silence in memory of my butt.

Cloe didn't bat an eyelid. She pinched the sides of the panties and some stitches later, they were alright. Arwia seemed conflicted but I held her hand and shook my head. Cloe could shred my clothes and everything would be fine.

We finished adjusting the dress and Cloe gave me some leather sandals to wear. It was good to feel like a normal person and not a hospital inmate.

"Well, shall we go?"" Cloe asked, putting her supplies back in her pockets. "The carriage is waiting."

We walked out and getting out of that room felt good. Not as good as climbing out of that mine into the top of the Aerie but similar. I was itching to get my phone and use the camera as a mirror. I resisted. We went to the driveway and my carriage was already there. Dime was perched on the second floor and Penny was loitering near the vehicle, without a saddle. Ananu waved from the coachman's seat.

Brandon was waiting near the carriage door and he smiled as he saw me. "Your carriage awaits," He said with a smirk.

I got inside and Cloe sat on the bench in front of me. Brandon closed the door and climbed to the upper level. The carriage moved and soon was out going up and down some streets. I wondered where were they taking me. I noticed we were going north and soon went out of the gates and into the road that would take us to the grassy plateau. Once out of the city, Dime flew up, high in the sky to soar over the plateau and the four horses pulling the carriage struggled to climb the path leading to the grasslands.

It reminded me of my first days when I didn't even know the local language. The carriage turned and went off-road, climbing a hill. then it stopped.

"I can see them!" Ananu shouted.

"Go," Cloe told me. "Go outside and climb to the upper level."

I did, unsure of what was going on. I got out of the carriage and Penny assaulted me. She nuzzled me and I embraced her head. I scratched her head, played with her hair and ears. Then I climbed up. Brandon was cupping his hand to shade his eyes from the sun.

"Over there, to the north. Can you see them?"

I could. A massive caravan, a veritable exodus, a throng of people was coming our way on the road. It was too early for anyone to arrive from the north as the nearest city was on the other side of the forest I spawned in.

"Who are they?"

"The ones that fled in the chaos after the late Enshi's death," He explained to me. "Once we got confirmation that Marduk's army was disbanded, we sent fast riders to find and bring them back."

It was amazing. Even my gloomy mood couldn't prevent me from feeling excited. Even from afar, I could see they were moving with intent.

"They agreed to come back?"

Without you, these people would be lost in the woods. Or would have to rebuild their lives somewhere else. Do you know what cities do to accept refugees?"

"No, but I guess it is something awful," I answered.

"They charge the refugees everything for entry. If they don't have enough, they take their women. Or the male sons in working age. Those that don't enter are soon hunted by slave traders. Those that do, they have to start from zero."

He held my hand. My right hand. I could only wiggle the fingers.

"Because of what you did, they have a choice. It was still a terrible thing, to have to fight a war. But you saved them from a terrible fate. And the soldiers that departed with them will be reinstated. It will bolster the city's defenses."

I looked west. Checked the hour by the sun's position. The distance of the people to the city.

"They won't make it before sunset," I pointed out.

Brandon nodded. "Yes, but it is not unusual to travel under torchlight. Nanna has an idea on how to help them."

I raised a skeptical eyebrow at him. I had no idea what Nanna wanted but I was certain it would involve me.

"What is it?"

"She has several light orbs she enchanted these last few days. Chloe tied several of them in a bundle. You could have your sky-lord carry that bundle of light orbs above the refugees to light their way."

And there I was, thinking they had something awesome and mind-blowing for me, something that would amaze me so much I would forget my worries. Instead, I got another dose of utilitarianism and an errand. I mean, it was great that these people were returning but couldn't they camp out there? I did and suffered nothing.

"To stay overnight in one place in this grasslands is a death sentence," Brandon continued once he saw I wasn't giving him an answer. "Terrible ants are living under the grass that comes out at night. They attack any living creature."

"I..." That was a good question. I don't remember a single insect bite. No mosquito, no bed bugs. The only creatures that attacked me were Dime, the water goblins and humans. But I got to bond with Dime so he is an animal. "Are the light orbs here?"

Brandon nodded. "We also brought food and wine with us. We are going to stay here. There are some ruins at the base of this hill, the ants don't come here."

I wasn't too happy with the way they set me up. But at least I got a nice dress and the chance to make a difference. I called Dime through our mental bond and we convinced him to carry the bundle of enchanted eyes around. Madam Cloe and Ananu climbed on the roof of the carriage and we sat, talked, drank some wine and waited for nightfall.

We gave the bundle of eyes to the eagle and he took off, flying around and lighting the night like a beacon. Each of these eyes shone stronger than a 100W incandescent bulb. They seemed stronger than the ones Nanna made for the Enshi. You might think they did nothing but in the pitch-black night, that bundle of lights looked like a second moon. I could see the green grass underneath where Dime was flying.

I suspect it was all staged. The refugees would be afraid of some weird light flying at night. I would if I lived in a world full of monsters. But it was touching. This conspiracy was engendered by Nanna, Brandon, Cloe, some guards and a lot of other people. All to try and cheer me up.

We ate kebabs for dinner. The eastern cousin of the burrito.

The refugees moved past our location and I got to see how many people there were. At least three thousand. I felt my heart clench when I remembered the fate of those that fled south. I leaned on Brandon's shoulder and he hugged me.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"Not good. I... I am thankful for everyone's care. I don't want to feel like this. But I don't know what to do."

Cloe held my shoulder. "It takes time. Talking helps. If you can't fight back the feelings, talk. Talk to everyone you can, Sandra. Play with the children I've seen in the yard. You'll heal."

"Thanks, Cloe. I'm sorry I didn't visit you before. I promise I will. There's a lot we can do for one another," I smiled at her. "I have a lot of pictures of clothes from my world."

The seamstress' eyes shone but she fought to keep herself composed. "There's time. Heal, eat, recover. Then I can take your real measurements and make all the clothes you want."

I guess the skeletal me isn't a good model in this world. I bet I'd get a contract or two to show my ribcage in some jeans ad. If I were back on Earth.

The trailing refugees passed, escorted by several squads of soldiers. One of them climbed the hill to greet us.

"Captain Brandon!" The rider shouted.

"Lieutenant Targus. Good job," Brandon replied. "Any casualties?"

"Just some fistfights," He reported. "And some superstitious ones that refused to move under that flying light. We needed to convince them by saying they would stay behind to feed the ants. They complied after that."

"Good. We are returning now. Ananu?"

"Right away, captain!" The eunuch answered.

The carriage turned around and moved back to town, escorted by the soldiers. I stayed on the roof with Brandon but Cloe went back inside.

"Thank you, Sandra," He told me. "This city owes you a great deal. I'll promise to make sure they don't forget."

I knew what he meant but I didn't want to become some kind of Yuusha (hero, champion). I was fine with what I got. A lot of gold and the rights to the Aerie and the mine underneath. And the biggest prize of them all, right here with me.

"Don't," I told him. "I have everything I need. So long they leave me alone, I don't want fame. All I need from this city is right here," I tapped his chest."

"I think it can be arranged," He chuckled. "But I must say, we had to do some name-dropping to convince the people to return."

It irritated me, but not enough to push me away from him.

"As punishment, Captain, you are staying with me tonight. If I have an episode during the night, I want you there to help me."

"Deal."