[-=Nox=-]

“You know nothing, Juuunes!” I slurred. “Nuthin’! But you’re a good fox cuuus at least you’re trying to help me, unlike some people! Look at this butt, trying to put me to sleep! Ruuuude!” I waved my hand at Tamara who was currently still knocked out and manacled to the couch.

I smiled at June. She didn’t know that the body I was in was horribly incompatible to my magic. She didn’t know that it took me nearly constant Necromancy to keep myself existing in Yul. It was really distracting. I’ve made a lot of stupid decisions due to this distraction. Thankfully, now that June believed in me, thought about me as Yul, Yul had become a bit more of a legitimate domain for me. Thanks to June constantly thinking about me, I could now dedicate a bit more of myself to being productive and a bit less to perpetual self-sustaining Necromancy.

An alarm resounded from the desk. Someone was trying to get into the ship, but couldn't. It was probably Nicodemus and the Rest of the Rimmers. I wobbled over to Tamara and slapped her face with a healing spell. What? I had access to a whole gem of healing, so why couldn't my fantastic, White Aura body just slap some health into people?

It worked! Tamara awoke with a gasp.

“Did you like your nap?” I asked, unable to contain my giggling. “He he he. Don’t mess with a Goddess or you get the boink.” I tapped her on her head bruise. Okay, so I didn’t actually heal her at all or use a real spell. Whatever. I’m a Void Goddess, not a healer! Tamara looked extremely confused.

“Upget!” I muttered, unlocking her handcuffs. “Ugh! I mean get up. We got a Rimmer boarding party to deal with!” I swung my big, shiny sword, nicking a chair in half accidentally. Whops. Best not swing oversized magic swords indoors.

June shook her head.

“Totally meant to do that! That chair disappointed me!” I said unconvincingly.

Using my sword as a way to balance myself I made it to the top deck, looking down upon an angry gathering of human bees on the dock.

“SUP, BITCHES?!” I yelled at them, while struggling to maintain an upright position. Being drunk was an odd experience. I sunk the healing amulet a bit closer to myself so it wouldn't heal away my drunken fun.

“Tamara? June? Yul? What’s going on?” Nicodemus yelled back at me from the shore. The Rimmer crew stood behind him in full force. They wanted to get back into the ship too, but couldn't.

“Tamara?! Why aren’t you lowering the gangway?” Nicodemus demanded.

“This ship is under new management!” I barked. “Me!”

“What?” Nicodemus asked.

“Captain! She took control of the ship, I’m really sorry!” Tamara yelled.

“Shhh. No.” I turned to Tamara. “I’m the Captain now. Refer to me as Captain Nox!” I giggled. I found the title amusing. It was beneath Goddess, but whatever. I could be Captain Goddess! I could be anything! The wine was making me feel unstoppable.

“Okay, Captain Nox.” Tamara sighed, the Sextant collar on her neck forcing her into obedience.

“Nikki!” I turned back to Nicodemus. “You’ve been demoted to cabin boy. The kind that fetches me more tasty wine! Aha ha ha ha! Tiny human man. Head go squish.” I tried to squeeze his head with my thumb and index finger. Perspective was funny.

“Are you freaking kidding me? How did a level zero overpower an Archmage?!” Nicodemus growled. “I leave the ship for like a day and this is what happens!”

“Oh you’re an Archmage? Sweet.” I leaned on Tamara. “No wonder your belief kept me alive. You’re a potent girl. Hey, Nikki! I own an Archmage! Can you believe it?”

[Quest completed! +15’000 points!] The System dinged. I started to laugh, nearly falling overboard.

“How?! How the shit did a zero defeat you, Tammy?!” Nicodemus raged.

Tamara’s face turned red. “She knocked me out and put a Sextant slave collar on me!”

“Yeeeeeep.” I held up an entire collection of collars, currently jingling on my left arm. “You want to go back to the ship, Nikki? You gotta wear the collar. Them’s the new rules!”

“What? Is she serious?!” Nicodemus fumed. “That’s it! I’ve had enough of this nonsense.”

He pointed a hand at me and said “Sleep”. The spell fizzed out even before it reached me, as the ship’s shield ate it up.

“What the hell?” Nicodemus squinted.

“Oh Nikki, did you think that I wouldn't find your dungeon core?” I wobbled precariously and stabbed my big, manly sword deeper into the deck for improved balance. “The core answers to me now.”

“How did you…?” Nicodemus choked.

“I invented dungeon cores! I know how they work, way better than any of you human bees!” I boasted. “I designed the best dungeons! Very fun, big ones! Honestly, wish you were there. I dug out an entire planet worth of dungeons! Billions of people died in the process!"

Nicodemus flabbergasted.

"From old age, because they took so long to dig! Ha ha ha ha.” I threw a punchline at him. I was a riot.

Nicodemus looked like he lost track of the conversation. He decided to focus on June.

“June Rim Maldiver! I command you to knock out Yul!”

June didn’t move a muscle. She simply stared at me, worried that I would tip overboard. I wasn’t that tipsy, damn it girl! Look, I got a balance sword! Wait she can't hear my thoughts yet, we aren't in that stage of our relationship at this point.

“June! I invoke the power of your debt to…” Nicodemus growled, not understanding why June wasn’t moving a muscle.

“Nope.” I said. “All of you, ship-less, hobo Rimmers! Listen up! Put these on!” I chucked the Sextant collars from my arm down to the docks. The Rimmers stared at the slave collars, then back at me, then at their fuming ex-captain.

“What have you done?! Why isn’t June responding?” He yelled.

“Wax earplugs. She can’t obey your commands if she can’t hear you.” I smiled deviously. "Your siren song about vast debts cannot affect my adorable, cute, little fox acolyte!"

Nicodemus swore.

“Yeeeeep. Here’s what’s going to happen, Nikki. You’re going to cancel June’s debt.”

“I don’t have the power to cancel all of her debt.” Nicodemus shook his head. “Only the debt she owes my Academy branch. She has 96 other contracts on her soul.”

I shook my head at June. “I don’t even. How are you such a mess?”

“I don’t negotiate with anarchist zeroes! Give me back my ship, witch, or I will unleash my fury upon you!” He spat, starting to draw a powerful spell matrix in front of him.

“Really? You’re going to blow up the only Void mage in the Universe?” I grinned. “The key to all of the Void dungeons in the Rim? I’m sure your family and Rimmer superiors will totally love and give you lots of kisses for that. You promised them all a real Void mage, I believe? Made all sorts of new contracts?”

Nicodemus froze. "How…?"

"I am a Goddess, foolish mortal man! I know everything about everyone! Omnipotence is a heavy burden!" I lied. I didn't know shit, with the exception of what June told me from her spying on the man.

Nicodemus sputtered.

“Cancel her debt.” I pointed at June.

“Or what?” He hissed.

“Or this.” I snapped my fingers and the Resurgence lifted up from the water, floating up into the sky. Gunports opened up, Sextant cannons emerging from within. The cannons pointed at the Rimmer congregation gathered on the wooden dock.

Nicodemus paled. He knew that he could not defend his people against the full cannonade of the Resurgence.

“This is a Sextant flying warship, not a merchant river ship.” I smiled, tapping my sword into the metal beneath the wood. “Sneaky, sneaky Nikki. A steel warship, surrounded by a wood facade, powered by a dungeon core, and possible to wield by a single mage with just the control ring.” I nodded to the emerald control ring on my finger. It was the shiny ring I had taken from Tamara.

“You have twenty seconds to put on the collars. Anyone not collared will be turned into… bagels? Onion rings? Cheese? Pick your favourite food with holes! THIRTEEN, TWELVE, ELEVEN, TEN…” I started to count down.

One by one the Rimmers grabbed at the Sextant collars, snapping them onto their necks.

[Quest completed! +15’000 points!]

I grinned even wider.

Nicodemus was the only one left standing. He was prepared to oppose his own ship.

“Clear June's debt, Nikki, then we’ll talk about real business, like goodly business associates. You Rimmer humans love your deals, don’t you?” I smiled.

“I Nicodemus Rim Schwartz, clear the soul debt owed to the Schwartz family by June Rim Maldiver.” Nicodemus gritted his teeth.

June started to squee. She must have seen the debt vanish in her status window. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She pulled out her earplugs and rushed towards me, lept onto me, and glomped me. There were tears in her eyes. “I love you! I fucking love you forever, Noxxy! I can’t believe you freed me from this sick fuck!”

“I declare June Rim Maldiver my Void Apostle,” I said.

[Quest completed! +3’000 points!]

I hugged my new dedicated Apostle.

Nicodemus frowned. He wasn’t happy about these unexpected developments.

“Put on the collar, Nikki. This ship needs a cabin boy.” I ignored June as she happily licked my face.

“I am an Archmage. I would rather die than be a slave.” He said.

I rolled my eyes. What a stubborn human idiot.

“How about a soul debt contract instead, then? I hear your Rimmers looooove those. June told me all about those!” I said. “One million Reius debt from you to June Rim Maldiver. Here’s the contract.”

I threw a rolled up tube with a self-updating contract parchment with a blood quill down to the angry man on the dock.

Nicodemus unrolled the parchment, read over the soul debt contract and choked. “That’s insane! It says that I have to feed myself via robberies while the ship is docked and be June's personal maid?!”

I shrugged. “It’s a moral lesson, not to be a dick to my Void Apostles. Also, I was too lazy to write a new contract, so I simply had June copy her own, but replace her name with yours. Take it or leave it. The offered debt is two million Reius now, by the way.”

“What?!” He choked.

“Four million. Every time you make another stupid comment, the offered debt amount doubles. Do you know how quickly exponential sequences grow?”

“Of course I know exponential math! This isn’t how negotiations work! You’re supposed to bid down and meet me in the middle!” Nicodemus groaned.

“Eight million. This is how I work. I’m a drunk Goddess. I do what I want. By the way, I can see the Triumvirate of Virtue from way up here. Legate Whatshername is coming! She’ll probably want to renegotiate some things, seeing how you’ve brought a hidden, flying Sextant warship into Kleinburg.”

“I accept! I accept the contract!” Nicodemus fell to his knees, put the parchment onto the dock and quickly signed it. “Lower the ship! I beg you! Please! They can’t see it!!!”

[Quest completed! +15’000 points!] The System rewarded me for defeating another Archmage.

June squeed again as the contract confirmed itself closed from her end. I tapped the ring and the gunports closed, the ship lowering itself back into the water. The gangway lowered itself and the defeated, collared Rimmers walked into the ship. I had a crew!

Nicodemus had rolled up the contract and the quill back into the tube. Rimmers loved their paperwork. I bet he would add it to his contract shelf. Well, it was my contract organizer shelf now.

He stood on his knees, alone on the planks of the dock. He looked like he was about to break. He had never dealt with someone like me before. I had broken him like a twig. He was a Rimmer Archmage and a level zero had outdone him, crushed him with mere words, forced him into a ridiculous, insane contract. See, I didn’t need the charisma diadem. I was already an expert at destroying human dreams!