Chapter 66.

“Dio, please, doth mus not keepeth dat oh o’er ere waiting. From yonder naught to wet our kazoo, in a dab of the sweetest of nectars. I beseech thee kin o mine to help this brotha of yos from anotha motha out my good kind sir. Tis but a simple wish o mine to lay the fairest of hoes. To bend er o’er and en’er where the undisco’ered countries far beyond where my limited orizen’s may seeketh out.”

“... what in god’s name-“

“In case that thick skull of yours doesn’t understand Dio, I will translate for you. You must help these brothers of yours get laid.”

“Get lost.”

“Dio, shut up and call her! Our livelihood is hanging on the line here. To lay or not to lay, that is not the question you must ask yourself my good man, Dio. The question you must ask yourself is whether you’re a goddamned pussy with erectile dysfunction lacking in the department of bollocks!”

“Okay! Okay! Shit! I get it! I just have to call her, right?!”

After the group with brains operated by their penises excessively urged him into action, Dio eventually caved in. He took out his phone and keyed in the number she’d written on the sticky note and nervously initiated the call.

The first ring went by with no answer as a drop cold sweat formed on every group member’s forehead. The second ring came and went by quickly, similarly without answer. Followed by the third and fourth as their spirits sank low. However… not all hope was lost, for on the fifth ring of heaven’s bells, there was a click and then nothing for several seconds. Everyone held their breath in deathly silence with anticipation and boundless hope in their hearts. It was as if they themselves believed her voice would be the voice of god that determined whether they got laid in the near future.

“Hello?”

Dio instinctively muted the mic and looked up to the group in panic.

“What are you doing?! Say something! You idiot! What if she hangs up and blocks you?!”

“What do I even say?!”

“Fuck if I know?! Just say something! It’s not like you’ve never talked with girls before! You have more experience than us!”

“What the hell? I’ve never even considered getting into a relationship before, nor have I ever wanted to date anyone!”

“Bullshit! How many girls do you have as friends? Don’t even try lying to us, we’ve seen at least ten girls you’re on friendly terms with.”

“What the hell? Group projects don’t count!”

“Don’t give us that shit! You even have their phone numbers!”

“Don’t take it out of context you bastards, I have their numbers only because of group project work to begin with!”

“Hello? If no one’s there I’m going to hang up.”

“Just tell her you love her again. She gave you a kiss and wanted to go on a date with you after a simple ‘I love you’ due to a stupid dare. What if she lets you do her after saying it the second time? Do you dare give up the dream, Dio? Do you dare?! I will slap you right here and now if you say yes!”

“Hah? Are you a moron? It was a fluke! A one off! A freakish one off accident! Maybe even an accidental blunder of the gods!”

“You’re a damn atheist, what gods?!”

“If no one answers in five seconds I’ll be hanging up.”

One of Dio’s friends lunged at him and desperately latched onto the phone to unmute it, but Dio struggled and resisted with everything he had.

“You’ve got to be insane! How can I possibly say-“

It was at that very moment in their desperate struggle between life and death that it happened. While Dio fended off his friend, his friend had somehow without his notice miraculously tapped the mic icon on the screen at just the right time to unmute it. With a deadpan expression I watched on as the most stereotypical event transpired before my eyes. My eyes felt as if they had been violated and raped by the most predictable event in the history of mankind.

“I love you?!”

The horror. I couldn’t bear to watch such a horrifying scene any longer as I turned my eyes away from the cringe I felt pervading to the depths of my soul. It left me utterly terrified by how idiotic university students were. Why did they only think with their reproductive organs? There’s no way I’d ever act like those foolish clowns.

But strangely enough, something about the entire event had me breaking out into an intense cold sweat. It was like I’d been forced to relive the most horrifying and painful scene imaginable. It felt like I’d just witnessed first hand the deepest and darkest history of the man named Dio.

“Haha. It’s about time you responded. I love you too. My name is Adele Homestalk. What’s yours?”

“Eh? Me? Uh... My name is Electrical Engineering. I’m in my Diogenes Genovese year and I’m majoring in fourth year.”

The cringe! It hurts! It hurts so bad! I can’t! I fucking can’t even live anymore! Did he really think that was a good ice breaker? That was intentional, right?! Right?! I really want to cry from the excessive levels of cringe on display. I didn’t even know that was possible. To think cringe could make you even feel constipated and scared all at the same time.

I might have been wrong though, rather than simply being due to the cringe, this painful feeling originally hit me the moment I heard their names. Something inside me had snapped and out of nowhere I’d been assaulted by a sudden splitting headache. I wanted to stop thinking about it. From the bottom of my heart I truly wished to stop. I sensed a horrifying reality was about to hit me in the face if I watched any more of this.

“Hahaha! That’s quite an interesting introduction. Darling. Oh, by the way, I’m a second year, but I’ve yet to declare my major. Is Electrical Engineering fun?”

“Yeah. It is a lot of fun.”

“I see. Is it more fun than me?”

“Yeah it is.”

“What? Aren’t you supposed to deny that?”

“Ah. You’re right. Sorry I’m supposed to lie there and say you’re more fun. My bad, I retract my previous statement. You’re far more fun than electrical engineering.”

“Hahaha. Is that so? Glad to hear it.”

“Yeah, so just ignore the part about me lying to you.”

“No. I won’t forgive you for lying to me.”

“Why not? Can’t you give me a chance at redemption?”

“Hmm? What should I do? Should I?”

“You definitely should.”

“Then… take me out on a date and maybe I’ll forgive you.”

“You were serious before? You really weren’t just playing around with me or pulling my leg?”

“If you want me to pull your leg, you’ll have to wine and dine me first.”

The group in the background watched the scene play out in sheer disbelief with jaws dropped, unable to process the words exchanged between the two. Even I had a hard time with it all. After all, I was presently cringing in regret as one by one, the memories from that point in my life flooded my mind like a giant slap to the face as all the most cringe inducing moments of my life played through my mind.