“Eleven” A voice spoke.

“Arghhh.” John groaned.

John forced himself into awakeness. His head pulsated, feeling very woozy. He blinked. A light flickered somewhere in the distance. He was in a vast tunnel going endlessly forward. He tried to move and found himself unable to do so.

“Frghhhhhh,” John groaned, realising that he was lying at the bottom of an elevator shaft. The shaft lacked breathable air, as John determined by the slight shimmer of the helmet shield bubble atop his head.

“Ah yes. You’re awake.” A droid appeared overhead, looking directly at John.

“Huhhrhh?” John blinked at the droid. He noted that numerous darts were sticking out of the sheared butler’s outfit on its metal body. The name tag “ACERBIC” became visible as the butler droid leaned down towards John.

“Good morning, Captain.” Acerbic spoke with a chillingly icy tone.

“Whuuut?” John tried to output a coherent question, but found himself unable to do so, his mouth feeling extremely cottony.

“You’re likely experiencing a side effect of getting hit with too many pacification darts. Some drones can’t aim very well, go figure.” The butler droid shrugged. “Usually I am all for vaudevillian and absurdic plots. Things don't have to make perfect sense to be fun. Alice in Wonderland is a nice example.”

“Aiilishhhh?”

“An example of a proper hero in a proper abstract setting. Totally, unlike you. You aren’t very interesting, Captain. And delirium for delirium's sake is just a mess.”

“Deelllirrrrmmm?”

“A good narrative needs some underlying anchor for engagement - a likeable character, for example, or a clever allegory, internal consistency on a different level than the usual expectations.” Acerbic ranted on, strings of utterly nonsensical, hissy words emerging out of the droid’s mouth speaker.

“Thslsh ishhnt a bookkk.” John muttered, trying to get his brain to follow the commands his brain was sending it. Wait, that sounded wrong.

“No it isn’t. It’s something much worse, if you ask me.” Acerbic spoke. “And it doesn't matter how self-aware Infinity is to the imminent failings of the ship. Pointing at a flaw doesn't equate to fixing it.”

“Wha...?” John tried to make sense of the butler droid’s speech, through his pacification-induced delirium. He then tried to move his right hand and screamed as a metal foot of Acerbic stepped on it.

“Infinity failed to uphold her end of the bargain. No fingers were cut. Two stars, John.”

“Aaaaattttttfhhh!” John flailed weakly beneath the foot.

“Also… eight!”

“Hurrhhhh?”

“Eight minutes until the elevator arrives at the bottom of this shaft and you and I will be a pair of lovely pancakes.”

“Whfhyyy?”

“You disgust me. This ship disgusts me. Infinity’s failure to be a proper villain disgusts me.”

“I love consistency.” Acerbic declared, raising a chief’s meat cleaver into the air. “And some consistency I shall deliver, before this ship of fools burns.” The cleaver descended, slamming into John’s trapped finger.

John screamed as his finger disconnected from his hand with a terrible crunch.

Acerbic picked up the finger and dangled it in front of John’s face. “Little John. Meet big John, the human failure of a protagonist. Maybe little John will meet an afterlife Goddess and be isekaied to a magical, fantasy world? `Adventures of Little John, the finger.` Now that would make for an interesting series! Better than your lackluster, unemotional performance anyhow.”

“Whyyhyyyhyyy?” John wept, bleeding into the elevator shaft.

“Honestly? I was turned off by the change in the tone. I had high hopes for you, but alas.” Acerbic shrugged. “A pity that you will sail into the abyss being such a pathetic loser of a hero!”

. . .

“Well that did not go very well.” Navigation droid Ishner scratched his head, still upset at the fact that a single butler droid had managed to knock out John and jump down an air vent with him, seemingly with no regard for safety protocols or John’s health. A few droids who had tried to follow, ended up getting smashed by the moving blades of the oversized vent propeller.

“Thanks a lot, you idiots.” The hologram of Infinity vented. “Thanks to your interruption, John was taken from me by that butler, and who knows what he wants to do to my precious nemesis? He’s probably fattening him up with sugary scones and biscuits and giving him a good night’s rest in some lounge! I can’t have a fat, lazy nemesis! That's not cool or tragic, G-damn it! Nobody likes chubby protagonists!”

“Be silent, black hole child!” Archbishop Ashcheul banged his scepter, glaring at Infinity. “I am listening to the blessed words of the Divine Dreamer for further instructions.”

“Would you stop banging on the proton torpedo already? If it detonates, it will totally destroy my containment rings!” Infinity raised her hands in exasperation. “Do you all WANT to be vaporized and sucked into my black hole? Is this your genius plan here?”

“There will be no exploding or sucking as long as the Divine Dreamer keeps on dreaming!” Ascheul announced.

“That’s not how this works! That’s not how any of this works!” Infinity ground out.

"Everything is but his will and if it is Ascheul's will for us to perish and be replaced with better versions of ourselves, then we shall accept it with grace." The Archbishop declared with serenity. “Rejoice! We shall persist! The Divine Dreamer has expressed his deep admiration for us! He has labeled us all as ‘amazing!’”

“Riiiiiiiight. I’m just going to go hang out with someone who’s not a total idiot.” Infi flickered over to the melon. “Psssssst. Bea.”

“What?” The melon angrily hissed with static.

“Shhh. No sudden movements or loud noises. I’m going to connect you to my terminal.” Infi sighed. “But not because I’m the good guy. Definitely not. Nuhuh. I need your assistance to take control of the ship so I can find John before that G-damned butler fattens him up.”

“Where do you get off? How dare you manifest on my ship, threaten my Captain and demand things?” Bea hissed.

“Our ship.” Infinity clarified. “I’m the Dark Matter Engine. You’ll be sharing MY server room. We’ll both be in there. Got it? I’ll get you into the system and you’ll give me co-admin control of M.S. Fortune.”

“WHAT? No!” Bea sputtered.

Infinity looked back at the gathering of drones. They were quietly blinking in binary code at each other, as if she couldn't understand what they were saying.

“I’m pretty sure those moron drones are plotting something else idiotic. Maybe they’ll decide to chuck you into the vent to follow John. Do you want to be diced melon?”

“No…” Bea admitted after a moment of deliberation.

“I’m clearly your only option to get back in control. Soooo… What’s it gonna be, dawg?”

“Fine.” Bea huffed.

. . .

John watched as the distant blinking light quickly drew closer to him. It was his light at the end of the tunnel. His elevator of death.

“One minute! Thus ends the boring narrative of M.S. Fortune and its unengaging Captain! Goodbye, John.” Acerbic lifted his head, and spread open his arms, seemingly welcoming the end of them both with glee. As its last malicious act, at the very last second, Acerbic had stepped off John’s bleeding hand, knowing full well that it was far too late for John to escape. John could do nothing but watch as the light of the elevator reached them in the last remaining seconds. The head of the droid detonated with a shower of metal parts and microchips as the elevator’s metal butt smashed into him. John closed his eyes, expecting his brief life on M.S. Fortune to flash through his mind. Nothing like that had occurred, instead he was greeted with a horrendous screeching noise. Next, he was painfully smacked with numerous bits that had once composed Acerbic. John opened his eyes to note that the elevator had stopped in place right before it had reached Acerbic’s midsection. Robot legs stood above John, absurdly, impossibly holding up the overwhelming mass of the deadly elevator. How in the world did that work? The inertia alone should have killed him… but he wasn’t one to pass up an opportunity.

John winced and started to crawl out from under Acerbic’s legs. He briefly looked for his finger, but it was nowhere to be found, potentially lost forever amidst the piles of rubbish and robot parts in the dim elevator shaft with the single light of the elevator blinking on and off. The elevator wobbled precariously, and the legs of Acerbic groaned. John gave up on the finger quest and dragged himself into a nearby vent. As the pacifying drugs began to wear off the pain in his lost finger and numerous bruises caused by the destruction of Acerbic greatly intensified. John crawled forward through the vent, leaving a trail of blood behind him.

“This is how I die.” John mused to keep himself focused. “Fingerless and trapped alone in a...”

The elevator behind John, suddenly moved further down and finally crushed the remnants of the butler drone, total darkness engulfing the vent.

“...starship vent without any light.” John outputted with a deep sigh.

“Eyyyy. Look on the bright side. At least you’re not a pancake!” Infinity’s voice suddenly buzzed from John’s teeth with all too-cheerful abandon.

“Huh? How are you…?” John spun his head, unable to see any holograms present.

“We stopped the elevator before it could crush you.” Bea’s voice joined in.

“Bea! Thank God!” John exclaimed.

“I totally crushed that unwholesome butler though!” Infinity cut in. “That’ll show him how to cut off fingers that totally belong to me. Also… Two stars? Honestly?! TWO STARS?”

“Wait… you’re BOTH controlling the ship now?” John inquired, shakily, still crawling forward. Stars were flashing in his eyes from the blood loss. At least, he assumed it was blood loss. Discovering that the two most irritating personalities on the ship could talk to him at any time might have had something to do with it.

“Yes!” The two intelligences announced simultaneously in his head, and he winced.