False tears bring pain to others. A false smile brings pain to yourself. For some reason, my mind wandered to a quote from my favorite anime. Maybe because it finally made sense.

Irina lived in an apartment complex on the second floor, closed to the staircase and next to the elevator. Ringing her doorbell, my heart wanted to jump out of my chest. Because here I was, waiting to see her in the middle of the night.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

This is going to be so awkward if Irina's mom or dad opens the door.

AHHHH-! What should I do? What should I do?

I walked back and forth restlessly, thinking of some legit excuse.

Homework? But I could just text her about it.

Visiting for fun? Who visits in the middle of the night?!

No matter what the reason was, it just seemed awfully suspicious—

—The door creaked open. Thankfully, it was Irina. My best friend peeked out with a surprised expression, wearing a familiar cat pajama I remember from our last sleepover.

Despite having a tired expression, Irina looked quite adorable.

"Jan is that you? What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Can't you wait until tomorrow? It's already ten and I was all comfy in bed too."

I could feel myself instinctively backing off. But Amae's words resonated in my mind. And knowing my sister's personality, I would never hear the end of her teasing. Besides, I decided to stop running away. I will never be able to forgive myself if I did. Thus, I stood my ground and said in the most confident voice:

"No, Irina. We have to talk now."

To my surprise, she opened the door and invited me to her bedroom.

"My parents aren't here, so don't worry. They are working night shift this week."

They were a dynamic mental health professional duo — psychiatrist and psychologist. So often times, Irina's parents worked at random hours depending on their clinic. Because they liked me, I was often invited over to play back in middle school, which was the main reason why we became such good friends.

"It's still the same as ever."

I scanned her bedroom — cute design, pastel pink bedcover and bombarded with a variety of animal plushies. I notice the Rikkakuma bear sitting on her bed. It was the present I gave her for her 15th birthday.

"Well, what is it Jan?"

Irina smiled, bringing me ice tea from her mini-fridge. It made me happy to know she remembered my favorite drink.

"What brings you over this late of the night, won't Amae be angry?"

"She won't."

"So you told her?"

"I did. Are you mad that I did?"

"Nope." Irina smiled mysteriously then purred her lips like a cat. "Wow~ the two of us alone in a bedroom. I wonder what is going to happen next, perhaps you might do something naughty to me~"

She stumbled back, yelping in a dramatic manner as I rolled my eyes. A nostalgic feeling resurfaced. It was nice that we were finally talking again but at the same time, this felt shallow. It was as if we were faking our friendship to be normal again.

I need to be honest.

I need to let her know how I feel.

"Well... I am here to talk about us."

"I see, let me get ready then."

The dainty girl sat on her bed, holding onto the Rikkakuma plushie tightly. Because of her short and innocent appearance, she looked really adorable.

"Irina, I love you. You are amazing."

Eh?

What did I just say?

The air around us froze as we looked into each other's eyes in absolute shock.

DAMN IT.

I messed up. I was supposed to say 'Irina, I love how amazing you are'. But wait, why am I even saying that in the first place?!

Irina started giggling. Gradually, she burst into soft laughter as I sat there completely dumbfounded, feeling my cheeks grow warm like a heated oven. Judging from my facial expressions, my bestie probably knew I meant to say something else.

"Anyways what I meant to say was I love how amazing you are," I cleared my throat and continued. "As much as I don't want to confront you, I feel like I have to."

I took a deep breath, trying to recite the script I prepared in my mind.

"I noticed that you have been avoiding me lately, Irina."

My heartbeat began to accelerate.

"If you feel like I am lame, I can understand. If you feel like hanging out with me is starting to become a burden, I can understand."

"But..." I looked at my best friend, who fiddled with her fingers as she clutched onto her teddy bear tightly. "If you feel like I am a threat to you because I know your secret, then I want to clear up this misunderstanding."

Irina fluttered at the word threat. Looks like Amae was right. Her woman's intuition was on point — I was indeed a threat to her.

"Irina, I promised you I would never tell anyone about it. You know the implications behind our pinky promise. And it hurts me to see that you are struggling alone."

I crawled closer and sat next to her on the bed.

"I am here for you. Please don't go through this by yourself... Aren't we best friends?"

My mind went completely blank for some reason. A surge of emotions built up inside me as I continued, thinking about the moments that made us close. Although those words were genuine and came straight from my heart, it was mixed with anger and frustration, released after being suppressed for so damn long.

"If this is all it takes to tear us apart, then maybe we weren't all that close to begin with..."

Irina turned away, her long flowing red hair covered part of her face. It was difficult to tell what she was thinking.

"But as long as you keep believing in me, I'll be there for you no matter what happens. And someday, we'll reach a point where we won't have to hide from each other anymore."

There was an unsteady silence. It continued for a minute, which felt like an eternity. Enveloped in this uncertainty, I had expected Irina to say something after letting my entire heart and soul out. But I guess nothing in life goes according to plan. Still, I did not regret this decision one bit. A heavy burden was finally lifted on my shoulder and right now, any results would suffice.

"Alright, Irina. That's all I wanted to say so thanks for hearing me out. I will head home now, sorry for bothering you this late. And thanks for the drink I guess... Goodbye."

I stood up and walked away slowly, reaching for the door that led to the exit of the life as we know it. With every step, my heart wallowed in despair. And as bittersweet as the moment was, I turned the doorknob and possibly the key to ending our friendship forever.

I guess this is it.

Goodbye old friend.