Outside the barracks, I was heading towards the showers. Though I was never particularly bothered by the cold, after Changing, I seemed immune to it. However, drenched in cold mud and sweat after a five-mile run was still pretty disgusting. I was looking forward to a scalding shower.

Then I noticed August. He strode towards me full of purpose and demanding intent. Despite my simmering anger and my best intentions, I slowed, allowing him to more easily reach me.

“Good afternoon, Ms. Delaney.”

Gazing up at him, I asked, “Can I help you?” My voice was as cold as the mud in my hair.

“I was hoping I could speak to you for a moment. See how you are,” he said. His friendly smile faltered slightly.

“How do you think I am? I’ve just finished a five-mile hike with god knows how much shit in my pack. I’m covered in freezing mud and I don’t know what else. Do I look like I’m having a good time?”

Chastened, August held his hands up. “Sorry, that should have been obvious.”

Sighing, I pinched the bridge of my nose. “It’s not that hard,” I admitted, “it’s just dirty and loathsome. And being yelled at the entire time I’m doing it is a big fucking cherry on top.” Cracking an eye open, I saw he was still standing there, looking like he did not know what to do with himself. “What do you want August?”

“I wanted to talk to you again, you know after the last time didn’t go so well. You’ve been avoiding me, haven’t you?” he asked.

“What gave me away?”

“You are still angry?”

Drawing myself to my full height, I placed my hands on my hips. “Really? You need me to spell it out for you?” Was this guy psychic or not?

“If you did, I could try harder to fix it.”

I shook my head. “How do you not get I’m still pissed at what you did in the hospital?”

“Ah,” he said, nodding. “I feared that was the case.”

Tapping my foot, I waited to see where this was going. I imagined I was about to be in for a fun ride.

“It’s just not that easy a thing, Peri. Even if I’m a civilian, this stuff is covered by my military clearance. You weren’t in the project yet so I wasn’t in a position to reveal things to you until you were one of us. It’s unfortunate, but what other choice did I have?”

“Unfortunate?” I said, stepping towards him. “How fucking heartless are you? Do you know how alone, how scared I was in that place?”

His eyes widened, and then his face fell. He looked away. “I can only imagine.”

“I was pretty fucking scared, and you could have stopped that…”

“But that’s just it,” he said, hands out, “I couldn’t.”

“How about giving me a hint from the first day that I wasn’t alone? Why couldn’t that have been in that giant folder of horror movie pictures you tossed my way? I mean, you were feeding me breadcrumbs, weren’t you? Trying to get me to come here because I was some potential super-soldier.”

Blinking, he stopped. It looked like I’d hit a nerve with that shot. He stepped back. “You are right, Peri, there are probably things I could have told you. Believe me, there were things I wanted to share with you. I pushed against the rules harder than I normally do. Yes, it was because I wanted you to join. But it wasn’t just that.”

“Well, what else was it?” I asked, arms crossing my chest.

His shoulders sagged and his grey eyes dipped down. “I read up on you. Seeing you in the hospital, you looked so fragile and alone. I was lucky, I grew up with my parents, but they were killed in an accident about five years ago. Seeing you there, knowing your backstory, knowing you didn’t have a family...it brought up a lot of feelings for me. So there I was, breaking the rules in all sorts of little ways, thinking I was oh, so clever helping you out. But I just made it worse.” He paused, taking a deep breath, “For what it’s worth, I’ve spoken to the general about our methodology.”

“You did?” I realized I was holding my breath. Inside me, something cracked.

“Yes, after we talked. I told him some of the things you said.” He raised his palms towards me defensively. “Don’t worry, I kept it confidential, I told him I’d had some feedback and I was doubting our process. I told him that we needed to be more open with the information, at least with the idea that recruits aren’t alone. It wasn’t that difficult an argument to make. I pointed out that people like to belong, and leaving out that opportunity is a mistake.”

“Oh,” I said because I’m witty like that. This was more than I’d expected in a million years. The crack grew.

“More importantly, though, I’m sorry I caused you such distress.”

We both just stood there, him in his nice grey coat, me covered in mud and dirt. I wasn’t used to apologies like this, not backed up with action. My anger did not want to abate and I wanted to hold on to it. It was familiar and comfortable. But that was stupid. The crack spread, bits of my anger and resentment began to fall away. “Really?” I asked.

“Yes, I did not think about how alone you must have been or what a difficult experience it must have been for you; or anyone else in your position. All of this is new for everyone. If I had thought about it more, I would have made these arrangements before I ever approached you. So I’m sorry I was thoughtless and that my thoughtlessness caused you such pain.”

The wall split and fell away. Warmth spread from my chest. But I could not let it go, not yet. Frantically, I clung to the shards and held what I could grasp. “Why me though? Why do you care?” I asked.

His mouth opened but nothing came out. Swallowing, he started over, “Because I feel responsible for you. Because I made you suffer thanks to my actions. I don’t like to do that. That’s not the kind of person I am.”

I took a deep breath and tried to let the anger go. It was not as hard this time. The weight was falling away, pushed off my chest. “Okay, thank you August, I appreciate that.”

“So… are we good?” he asked.

I nodded, smiling at hearing him talk like that. “Yeah, August, we’re good. I appreciate you talking to me about this. But, uh, I’ve got to get cleaned up.”

He nodded, smiling briefly. After that, I turned and headed to the showers. They were a luxury after the day I’d had.