"I'm sorry about this, Paug," Grandfather called back to me. "I know you will miss your friends. Sometimes life doesn't turn out the way we planned."

"I understand, Grandfather." I looked back over my shoulder again. The castle had ceased to be even a small dot in the distance a few days ago, yet I still looked back toward it. "I just feel like I am deserting my friends. It feels cowardly to leave when they need help the most. To save ourselves and leave them to . . ."

"It isn't our fight. We are simple teachers, historians, writers, and educators. What use is it if we die in battle or even observe it?"

"If we observe a battle, can't we write about it with better accuracy? Wouldn't it be best that way?" I asked him, with hope in my voice.

"No Paug. It is too dangerous. Besides, everything we would want to document about the siege that will happen at the capital can be accounted from the refugees and the people that were there. It is not worth risking our safety to be there when the battle happens." Grandfather looked back over his shoulder again. His horse strayed to the side of the road as he ignored it. "Also, consider how important your insight is! You have actually spoken the Ancients’ language with someone from that time! You witnessed a pivotal moment in history. We must document the knowledge for future generations. This will be an important task that we will set ourselves upon as soon as we get home."

I looked at his hopeful face and nodded. The thought of diving deep into my books didn't seem as appetizing as it once had.

"I still feel remorse Grandfather. I should be with my friends now."

"Those feelings will fade. Remorse always does."

"I think regret does. Not remorse," I said under my breath. He didn't hear me though. He was justifying our flight with noble arguments about preserving history, but the truth was that he could not bear to risk losing me. I was the only family he had, and the older he grew, the more he would rely upon me. While ostensibly his concern was for posterity, I knew part of his motivation was simply selfishness and fear. I could not fault him for that, I thought as I studied his hunched, frail form. The bones of his shoulder blades showed sharply through his clothes. I knew what it felt like to be vulnerable and weak.

The air was blowing cold from the north and I snuggled deeper into my thick cloak. Nadea and her father gave us two stout horses and a mule to go home with us. The mule was carrying several hundred pounds of precious books that the dark-haired woman wanted to save.

Greykin, Iarin, and Nadea saw us off almost a week ago. It had been an emotionally difficult morning. I couldn't find the right words to say goodbye. The four of us had been through so much during the past few months, even before Kaiyer had arrived.

"I wish Kaiyer and Jessmei were here." Tears came to my eyes and I tried to blink them away. I had just finished packing and our friends had come into my room for the final farewell.

"Me too lad," Greykin replied as he smothered me in a big bear hug. He smelled of aged tobacco and oiled chain mail.

"Goodbye Paug. Please take care of yourself," Nadea said as she wrapped her arms around me, kissed my forehead, and ran her hands through my bushy hair. "You are important to Nia. I am counting on you to safeguard those books and continue searching for the O'Baarni." She smiled at me and then sighed as she looked into my eyes; her deep brown orbs were filled with sadness. We had spoken often over the last few days as Grandfather and I were preparing to leave. We had said goodbye many times, but this would be the last time.

I looked at Iarin as the warm tears rolled down my cheeks. He was also leaving the castle. Nadea asked him to stay, even offered him some gold, but he had declined. He told us he would head to Brilla for work. I believed Nadea had been upset about his decision at first, but he wasn't born in Nia and did not have any obligation to defend it to the death. Iarin was a kind man, but he was a mercenary, with no family or home; his prerogative was to keep himself safe. One man would make little difference in the fight anyway, I reasoned so as not to leave feeling bitterness toward him. The tracker gave me a hug but said nothing. I saw a tear roll down his cheek as we parted.

My friends looked at each other one last time before Greykin helped me into the saddle of the horse. Grandfather thanked them for taking such good care of me and then we set off through the city. My body felt numb, like I had no control over where I moved.

The city was in a state of panicked motion as soldiers, citizens, and traders tried to perform what tasks they needed to before the horde arrived. The air was tense with anxiety and fear. Men hammered boards over windows and barricaded vulnerable street-facing doors, reinforcing them with heavy metal rods and locks. Women supervised as their husbands loaded parcels into carts or onto horses in preparation for a flee to sanctuary within the castle walls or to family in a distant land. Oblivious children, sensing the charge in the air but unaware of the danger, darted about, playacting sword fights and squealing in excitement at the change in routine. Soldiers roamed the streets, conscripting young men and running drills to train their new recruits quickly. I saw a few boys, younger than myself, marching dutifully behind an officer, still wearing their civilian clothes, struggling to walk in formation while wielding an unfamiliar sword.

More than once I wished they would have given us an escort out of the city. A few times beggars eyed our horses lustfully. But just as I suspected Grandfather and I would be mugged, a guard happened to walk by and the desperate men thought better of the affair.

Now the city was a memory. Like Nadea would be. Like Greykin would be. Like Iarin, Jessmei, and Kaiyer.

A memory like my mother was. Someone I remembered for a few seconds before her smile turned into smoke and fog. She was gone until something external conjured up her ghostly image. I recalled Nadea's beautiful face now if I tried. I imagined Kaiyer's dreamlike smile easily when I thought about walking around the castle with him. What would happen in a few months though? Would his smile stay the same as I remembered it, like a painting on a wall? What would happen in a few years? My recollection would fade, and these friends, my best friends, would be gone forever. I felt tears roll down my cheeks again. My memory was imperfect and would decay as a sandcastle built on the low tide eventually succumbs to the waves.

If the Losher army conquered Nia, our small village would probably be left alone. We would report to a new tax master, but what would the new rulers care about a small fishing community of under a thousand people? Even if the Ancients ruled the world, we wouldn't realize a difference. I would grow old like Grandfather, teach children and adults to read and do math. I would remember the few months when I tried to be a hero and fled when the situation looked grim. Perhaps I would tell my children that I was forced to leave, but I had really wanted to stay. Maybe I would eventually believe that lie myself and think that I was a hero.

I believed Kaiyer would be the most important task in my life. I would be responsible for helping him defend the world against the Ancients. I would be the liaison between our two cultures. I thought that I would be needed and important.

How differently things had turned out.

Kaiyer hadn't really needed me. Not only that, but the man hadn't been able to help us. He died before we could learn from him. I couldn't help but feel that my whole life had been a waste so far. I practiced the language of the Ancients with hopes that someday someone would benefit from it. When Nadea came to us and explained that she knew where the O'Baarni was, I had rejoiced. Now I would put my life to use! I imagined that Nadea felt like I did: our efforts were now meaningless. I watched my horse’s hooves churn the dirt beneath us, the small grains of earth rolling and resettling as we trod upon them. I was similarly insignificant. A tiny pebble in the ground, kicked and moved about, changed by powers much larger than myself, making no impact upon them, ignored and forgotten.

"I am rather happy to get back. We can ask Mary to make us some fish stew. What do you think? I haven't eaten her stew in almost two months!" Grandfather turned back and smiled. His eyes quickly filled with sympathy when he saw my tears.

"What's wrong Paug?"

"Sorry Grandfather. I was just thinking of my friends." My eyes were still teary and I had to wipe them with my hands.

"I know, my boy. It was a poor question. Let's stop for a bit up here and take some lunch." I nodded as he led our horses and the mule into a small wooded area on the side of the road. He pulled out the leather bag that held our foodstuffs and passed me some jerky.

"It has been hard on you. I've been trying to make you feel better, but I think it is just one of those situations you must work through on your own. That was how I was when your mother died." Grandfather rubbed a hand through his beard and dislodged some bread crumbs that had been ensnared while eating.

"I miss her too. I don't remember that much of her, but I remember a few things now and then. I am afraid that I will forget my friends eventually too," I choked out.

Grandfather sighed and looked at the ground for a few minutes before speaking.

"As you get older, you carry more and more memories Paug. Some of them will stay with you forever because they impact your personality, some will linger because they influence the future decisions you make. Sometimes you will forget the less important things about a person and only remember the core of them."

Grandfather leaned back on the rock he perched on and looked into the sky. "I remember when your mother was a bit younger than you, she caught her first fish and brought it up to our house, she was so proud of it! Then she dropped it on the floor by accident and screamed in panic while we all tried to pick it up. I remember when she wrote her first poem to me. I don't remember what it was about, it is stored away safely in a drawer, but I remember her little dimpled face when she first showed it to me. I remember when one of the young boys walked her home from the baker’s during a hard rain, she was soaking wet, but you couldn't tell from the smile on her face." He looked down at me and smiled. "I remember her laughing on her joining day with your father. I remember when his boat didn't come back after the storm. I remember her face when you were born. I remember her face and the promises she made me keep as she lay sick on her bed. I told her that she would be okay. It was a lie then. I'll never forget that my last words to her were a lie." His eyes started to grow damp.

"I don't want to remember Nadea, Greykin, the king, and the duke as I do now. I feel like I am running away. I don't want to die, but I don't want to abandon my friends to die without even trying to help them."

"You are all I have left of her Paug. I shouldn't have even let you go to awaken Kaiyer. If I guessed that the princess would put you all in so much danger I would have refused the duchess." He crossed his arms.

"Kaiyer would not flee Nia," I said as I cast my eyes to the ground. I didn't need to see his face to understand what he was feeling.

"Kaiyer isn't a small boy with no combat training! He doesn't have any family to worry about him!" His anger lashed across my heart.

"Kaiyer wouldn't leave his friends to die!" I yelled. Grandfather looked startled. His kind old face crumbled.

"Your mood will improve once you are home and we can teach again and get back to our normal routine. There is no point in sacrificing yourself. You cannot make a difference in Nia, but you are needed at home." I nodded and climbed back onto my horse.

"Grandfather," I said after another half an hour riding.

"Yes?"

"I don't want my trip with Nadea to be the most fantastic adventure I ever have in my life," I spoke the words quickly. They stung going out like they were bitter wine.

"Nonsense! Soon you will fall in love, be married, and have children of your own to raise. That will be the most fantastic experience of your life." He looked over at me and smiled in his kind way.

I remembered the banquet where Kaiyer had encouraged me to speak with Tanya Gettil. I wondered what would have happened if I had talked to her. She probably would have said no and brushed me away, but then I would know I possessed the bravery to ask her. Perhaps she might have engaged me in conversation, I would have impressed her with my knowledge, and maybe she could have been the person I fell in love with. I never took that risk, so I would never know. In one way my cowardice was protective, I could still cling to the fantasy that if I had spoken to her she might have fallen in love with me. In another, it was painful, because it was nothing more than a hope and never would be. If I had done it, I may have been rejected, in which case I would be no worse off than I was now, but I also could have gained the friendship, or even love, of the talented songstress. Inaction and fear were insulating, but also paralyzing.

I was miles from where I should be. My friends needed me. Perhaps I couldn't help that much in combat, but I would be there to help reload weapons, organize food, keep morale up, and document the defense of the castle. Maybe I could even get a view into the inner workings and decisions of the king and duke as they strategized with their generals. Of course it would be a huge risk, but it would be the greatest thing I ever did. I had vowed to be brave to honor the memory of Kaiyer, and riding away to the safe haven of my village was not brave, no matter how Grandfather tried to justify our flight.

Once this war was over I could come back to live with Grandfather and find someone to love. I could then write all of my memories of Kaiyer. He would have been proud of what I had done.

"Grandfather." I said firmly. He stopped his horse. I had made my decision, but I knew Grandfather would object. I knew how much this would hurt him. It might even kill him.

"No Paug."

“I don't want to grow old wondering about the hero I might have been. I don't want to live life as a spectator during a play. I want to help them. I want to see what will happen. I am going to go back." My heartbeat reverberated in my head, drowning out the sound of my voice. I sat up straight in my saddle, trying to muster the courage of my words. I felt sure in my decision, yet terrified. My body and mind fought against my heart, urging me to continue on with Grandfather to safety.

The old man looked at me. His cheerful eyes were sad and damp. It almost broke my resolve, but I knew that his face would be mine in half a century, as I looked back at my life and wondered why I didn't try to save my friends.

“I will think of you every night and pray to the Spirits of the Sea that you will return to me." He smiled, but it couldn't hide his sadness.

I got off my horse and walked to him. He dismounted and we embraced for a few moments.

"Be safe my boy. Go protect our kingdom." Tears streamed down his face.

It took me a few minutes to tie the mule to his horse and exchange items from bags so that my horse carried most of the food and he had most of the books.

"Don't worry, Grandfather. I'll be back. This isn't goodbye. When you see me next I'll be changed for the better. I'll be the man I want to be, someone you'll be proud of."

"I am already proud of you." Tears flowed down his nose and dripped onto his fluffy white beard where they clung like dew drops on a spider web. I looked at his face carefully for a moment, committing every line and plane to memory. He wiped across it with the back of his hand and sniffed. "Now be gone with you! You must ride like the wind to get back in time. Give Nadea and the duke my best. Help them however you can."

I nodded and spun my horse around. The animal sensed my excitement and was running as fast as my heart was. We raced back east toward the castle. It would still take me about four days to return, but I should get there before the Losher forces. After a mile of riding I crested a small hill and stopped on the mount. I looked back over my shoulder and saw Grandfather still watching me from the middle of the road. I raised my hand in the air in farewell and I saw his blurry shape do the same. Then I rode down the other side, to my destiny.