“How much farther?”

I was strongly regretting Kevin’s decision not to eat that pear last night. Donneus, please, please, just one small bolt…

Ah, who was I kidding? The God of lightning and thunder had better things to do, probably chasing around some half naked nymphs somewhere. Being a God was hard work from all that I’d read. Deflowering maidens, punishing your foes and allies alike with cruel fates and even crueler rewards, and just being a dick to everyone in general. Why so many prayed was beyond me.

I stopped, pulling my sword out from my scabbard in a defensive posture facing the forest. Kevin quickly followed suit, standing with his legs spread low to the ground. While he was thus occupied, I effortlessly sheathed my blade and quickly got 20 paces ahead of him before he realized what was happening. If he asked, I’d just say I thought I saw a wolf, or maybe some more frightening creature if I wanted to mess with him.

He did, and I told him it was minochimera. I exaggerated the grotesque minotaur head, gnarled, twisted goat horns, blood matted lion torso, the always swaying serpent’s head tail, and scaled vulture feet with razor sharp talons. Pretty good for just coming up with a creature on the fly if I do say so myself.

I had finally found the perfect balance for our conversations, when he became too annoying or asked the same question for the umpteenth time, I created a distraction. If he ever began to wise up, I had faith some real danger would pop up. We’d been walking for 8 hours now without a single misfortune. This did not bode well in my opinion…

“You know, you never really explained why you can’t drink alcohol.”

“I told you, Tome, I’ll die!”

I looked at him askance. The lie about tiny animals called germs he’d used to avoid eating the pear was quite clever. To think Kevin was actually capable of creating such a convenient lie instantaneously. You can’t stay mad at someone who is crafty enough to save his own life, while having a legitimate (*cough, cough) excuse to turn down generosity.

Why he couldn’t come up with a better lie about the wine was perplexing me. Had he used one; I wouldn’t have tried to injure him. Though even if he had eaten the fruit he still would’ve survived (we both carried vialed antidotes, while he was puking up his blood and guts, I would have kindly retrieved one from his pack. As I said, us Rimoudes are well known for our hospitality).

“Uh huh,” I said disbelievingly.

While he looked manly, his armor might be hiding the true shape of his body.

“Kevin, are you pregnant?”

As far I as knew only pregnant women didn’t drink. Well, the female other worlders who were with child didn’t. Some orc shit about the alcohol being a poison that the baby would absorb through its mother making it stupid (or stupider as a few other worlders had commented, before having their skulls coincidentally caved in).

Coming from haughty people who told you that everything you did was ass-backwards, yeah, not surprising we knew they were trying to pull a fast one on us backwards yokels. Most of those unrelated skull collapses happened around said pregnant women, who may have felt resentment at their lecturers trying to steal a small comfort from those who could most use a drink.

“I’m allergic! Uh-ler-gic! If I drink even a small amount my esophagus will close up!”

Hmmm, by allergic he most likely means cursed, but esophagus?

“Kevin, I don’t know how things work in your world, but here making up words and stories represents a base and petty mind.”

I smirked thinking about the minochimera and shimokamu.

“Fine! Give me the bottle, I’ll take a sip. But then you have to get me to a hospital that can actually heal me.”

Another clever ploy. Were it a strong poison or venom (and we were near a fair-sized village or hamlet) of course, but a curse? Those things were tricky. Even healers had a tough time with those. Ugh, healing, another unpleasant thought. I looked at my right hand.

I removed my chainmail glove and inspected my thumb. The skin had regrown and the wound was completely gone. I sighed, while this was nice, it was sadly expected. I had an inkling as to what was happening, or should I say had happened every time I suffered an injury. But I was smart enough to keep quiet about it.

My mother had begun my instruction on secrets early, never reveal them to anyone as even your allies would betray you if there was a boon to be had. The old folks in our hamlet still pester me to this day, “I thought you was going to be the greatest blacksmith in the world!”

Ah, aspirations die hard, particularly when no one will train you. Even offering free work for 5 years couldn’t motivate those stingy dodgers to teach me. Why teach a potential competitor for a measly 5 years of service when you can just buy a slave for the rest of its life? Perhaps a buxom female orc who’s not only stronger than a human, but can also be used for stress relief?

Bah, maybe the other worlders had a point about slavery, it sure wasn’t helping me.

The left side of the forest was less dense ahead of us. A few minutes later we located the cause, a pristine lake that prevented the growth of those chlorophylled evils. Kevin had proven an unusual fount of knowledge about plants.

Apparently the things took in carbon dioxide and gave off oxygen through the green slime in their leaves. These were types of air; humans required the oxygen to live. In theory, even if I managed to destroy every last one of them, I and every other living thing would in turn suffocate to death. I stumbled over a root that just happened to arch higher. A fair trade if you ask me…

“Hey, let’s stop for a rest, that water looks really inviting.”

“Sounds good,” My slower runner, er, companion, was going to have his first test.

Though in truth, a rest did sound nice, and I still hadn’t finished my pear from last night. The pears Kevin had picked, were naturally harmless. Mine, not so much. I sat a ways from the water, taking out a cloth from my rucksack. I uncovered the mostly eaten pear and sliced off a portion. I held it up to my mouth and hesitated.

This was going to be painful…

I began munching the fruit’s flesh. It was perfectly sweet with a hint of tartness. I chewed it thoroughly (not doing so would only prolong the effects). I groaned before swallowing. I felt it hit my stomach and tensed up in anticipation. A few seconds later and my stomach was convulsing, my body trembled as the poison was absorbed, and began wracking its torment upon my insides.

The only two spots of luck I’d had this whole time were my healing and nature’s stupidity. Were it a slow acting poison, or one that acted painlessly, I would’ve died several times over. The horrendous effects upon consumption forced me to vomit or take an antidote the first few times.

As I suffered in silence, Kevin had taken off his armor and clothes save his undergarments (he claimed he didn’t like people to see him naked, though there were 50/50 odds that I had been right about the pregnancy).

I studied his physique carefully. There was a bulge, and his breasts, while larger than most men’s, were not enticing. Excepting his torso, he was fairly muscled and looked sturdy enough. He was most likely a he, though there were monsters that were both male and female. I decided I’d still refer to him as a he, at least until he annoyed me. At which time I would bring up the alcohol excuse again and pretend that I really couldn’t tell his gender.

Kevin walked into the lake until he was waist deep. He was holding a rag and gray bar of soap.

“Tome, come on man. Of the two of us, you’re the one who needs to bathe the most!”

I glared at him at for a minute. I bent my head down and sniffed. I did stink, not unexpected but bathing was a good idea.

I willed away the pain and nausea to stand up. It would have been more prudent to wait for Kevin to come out first. However, there was the possibility that trouble would wait to strike until I myself entered the lake, which would be such a waste of Kevin’s potential.

I took off my hauberk first, then my leather cuirass before removing my metal boots. Finally, I stripped off my clothing. I placed everything near to the water’s edge, carefully so as to be able to reequip everything as fast as humanly possible. I took one last, long, look around the periphery of the lake. I retrieved a leather belt from my rucksack for just such occasions and strapped it to my waist. It held four sheathed daggers of varying sizes.

“Are you afraid the water’s going to attack you? Or is that to stab it if it trips you up like those roots!”

Kevin let out a loud guffaw as I tentatively eased my way into the water. We’ll see who’s laughing when you lose a leg. I smiled, it was important to think positively when around Kevin.

The water was a light blue, and completely clear around the edges of the water. I looked at my reflection, my hair was ridiculously long. Gods, had it really been that long? I ran a hand through it to confirm, yep, almost an inch long already.

There was no army regulation on hair length, in fact longer hair was preferable to act as cushioning if you were wearing a helm. But that wasn’t taking into account tree branches that would snag my hair when running, and suspend me jerking and twisting from the sudden stop. That was a painful lesson an individual only needed once in a lifetime. I rubbed my neck, the phantom pain returning.

I waded in until the water was midthigh. Another few feet and not just the bottom lost its transparency. I squatted down and began applying my own bar of soap.

“Dude, come on!” Kevin yelled, paddling leisurely as he continued out.

“Kevin, if you feel something like slimy skin, coarse fingers grabbing your leg, or teeth, do let me know before you go under!”

That did the trick. He looked at me worriedly before quickly swimming to where he was only a small jump from the bottom.

No way in hell would I go out even that far, my own brand of troubles notwithstanding. Besides the risk of monsters, there was also the issue of our belongings. Were we a group of four with two staying behind as watchmen maybe we could swim to our heart’s content. The thought of losing our weapons and belongings, and then having to explain why we were naked (Kevin semi-naked) in the wilderness made my face turn red. I’d much prefer to lose a leg, less shame in that.

I had finished my quick bath and began heading back to the shore. While it was tragic that I didn’t get to see my slower runner in action, nothing bad had happened. I considered it only a minor loss.

“Excuse me-}.”

A lovely voice rang out from the lake.

Me and Kevin turned to see a beautiful woman standing in the middle of the lake, motionless. The water lapped gently against her navel as we wantonly sized her up. She possessed long wet black hair that sheened in the sunlight, stunningly ample bosoms, and an hourglass body accentuated by innumerous glistening water droplets.

“Such strapping men, won’t you swim with me-}?”

Kevin was enthralled by the beauty 20 feet from him.

Excellent work Kevin, keep it up!

I rapidly waded back to my waiting armor, tossing my soap towards the tree line before I geared up (that bar had cost me four coppers, I was not letting it go to waste). After quickly getting my linens on and chainmail leggings belted, I realized that I had forgotten something.

“Kevin! How is she standing up in that deep of water you moron?! Swim back, NOW!”

She was drifting slowly towards him, nearly 10 feet from him. Kevin snapped back to reality, yelling some gibberish before making a desperate swim in my direction. By now I had my cuirass and was quickly lifting the hauberk to fall onto my body, the chainmail clinking softly as it slid over the leather. Kevin finally made it to the bank, crawling desperately. A tentacle whipped around his leg, pulling him towards what I now knew to be a water lamia.

“TOME! HELP ME!”

I put on my coif and prepared my sword in my right hand, my woods axe in the other.

The woman’s upper body was the same image of perfection as before, but underneath there was not the hoped-for female portion, only 6 thick tentacles three times as long as her torso. She used three of them as a tripod to hold up her body, while the other three began to wrap around Kevin’s limbs. They began to pull, one holding both his wrists, another his left ankle, and the final his right ankle. I was already running towards the creature at this point.

I grunted a bit as my legs gave their all. The monster was staring intently at Kevin, I planned on dropping my axe at the last moment and using both hands on the sword to run through the monster’s body as it was distracted. I was within three feet, my metal boots splashing in the shallow water, when I remembered an unsettling footnote. Didn’t all lamia creatures have an odd number of limbs?

The pain in my chest answered that question. A tentacle had been lying in wait for me. Using a lightning fast thrust (combined with my own momentum), it had pierced all the way through my armor. The force of the attack and seriousness of the injury shook me physically and mentally. My sword dropped into the water below, my axe hanging in midair by the leather strap connecting it to my wrist. I looked down, the tentacle had compressed itself into a thick javelin, and was impaled through where my heart was supposed to be.

I coughed a massive splattering of blood onto the thing’s suckers. The tentacle lifted me up and brought me towards the lamia. Time slowed and my vision dimmed. She smiled sweetly, myriad toothpick teeth welcoming me, sheer inches away. Well this sucked. I coughed again before my head slumped forward, what little of my heart that was left, ceasing to function. My body went completely slack, supported only by the strength of the lone tentacle in my chest. The world far more peaceful to me than ever before.

“Ke, he, he-},” it laughed sweetly.

“TOME!”

It stared a few moments longer before turning back to Kevin. The smile widened into a monstrous grin as the tentacles began to pull in earnest, the ones around his ankles attempting to rip him in two at the groin if his midsection didn’t give out first.

“OH, PLEASE GOD! PLEASE, NO!”

Before the denouement there were innumerable loud popping and cracking noises, an ungodly scream, and copious amounts of blood that left a lingering red in the waters near the shore.

---------------------------------------------

Remember my children, not merely unto death struggle. The dead are not so unproductive as many claim.

-Aquinas Rimoude, the lone survivor, the fool who never forgot, our founder.