Sometimes, the human mind surprised me. Just from the overheard reports and what I had heard from Grace, some twisted part of my subconscious managed to create a special kind of hell, one just for me. I didn’t even speak at the theatre, yet, I was damned. Curiously, a small part of my mind was screaming at me that it was a dream, as I wandered through the familiar corridors of the Merathorn, a strange mist of smoke and blood hanging in the air, illuminated by the eerie, red emergency light. I felt myself move in the dream, but things were hazy, as if I wasn’t fully there.

When I heard a scream, I felt myself react and a sudden impact on my side forced me awake. I was still completely disoriented, not quite sure where I was, lying on the floor and feeling a throbbing in my side, especially my left arm. Forcing myself up helped with my orientation a little, at least now I knew where “up” was and slowly my mind started to boot up, taking in my surroundings. It took me a moment to trace the scream, now turned to whimpers, to Grace, who was tossing and turning in her bunk, just a few steps away. Maybe I should be grateful, merely the fragmented memories I had of my own dream, combined with the copious amount of cold sweat matting my hair, were enough to make me want to stay awake.

The images from my own dream flickering through my mind, I stepped over to her, gently taking hold of her shoulder and speaking softly, trying to get her to wake up without adding to her fear. It took a few moments, just a minute or so, during which she continued to whimper but finally, her eyes fluttered open and she looked at me, her face still etched with terror.

“Hey, Grace, it’s me, Leo. You were just dreaming.” I assured her, trying to project a serenity I wasn’t quite feeling, not with the dream fresh in my mind.

I saw her eyes focus on me in the dim light of our cabin before she blinked a few more times and let out a raspy noise that I identified as some sort of greeting.

“You had a nightmare, Grace, everything’s alright. Let’s get you something to drink.” I told her, grabbing a bottle from my part of the room while she was sitting up.

“It was a dream?” she asked, sounding shaken and insecure.

“Given that you are in your bunk, on the Merathorn, with me handing you a bottle, not wherever you were before, that would be the most sensible explanation.” I quipped, trying to insert a little levity, not sure how to deal with her disturbed state of mind. There had been no class at the Academy that had prepared me for this. She looked a little more settled and grabbed the bottle, greedily sucking the liquid out of it.

“You alright now?” I asked, hoping that I’d get a positive answer, so that I could escape into the shower. When she nodded, I gave her shoulder a supportive squeeze before stepping back and stripping off the ship-suit, while stepping into the bath.

Under the shower, I managed to get the fragmented images of my dream into focus, wondering if there was a special meaning to them. I somewhat remembered Wildcat, telling me that it was my fault she’d never see her wife again, I remembered Manta telling me that I had failed him and the squadron, that I had abandoned my comrades. Even Commodore Ming made an appearance, lamenting that I was a failure and would never amount to anything, that I would get kicked out of the Starfighter-Corps as a traitor and a coward.

Those images, disturbing as they were, the people represented by a skeleton with bits and pieces of flesh sticking to it, wearing their uniform with the name-tag identifying them, they made some sense, representing some of my fears.

But, why by the void of space, was Airah amongst those images, even the one I recalled with the greatest clarity. Why was she asking why I had betrayed her? Why was she, in stark contrast to the scene I had been in, wearing nothing but skimpy lingerie, her body mostly intact but her eyes speaking of an unending torture she had endured. Not that I’d normally be able to read that in someones eyes but somehow, I had felt it in the dream, had known that I had consigned her to the depths of hell. That knowledge might have been the most disturbing of all, that her pain had been my fault.

“You alright?” Grace called from outside, pulling me from my thoughts and I realised that I had stood in the shower-cell, letting the sonics pulse through my body, for over twenty minutes as I had been lost in thought.

“Yes, I’ll be out in a moment.” I replied, quickly making sure that I was clean and stepping out, moving past the equally naked Grace who obviously had the same desire as I had. Looking on the clock told me that it was right, smack-dab in the middle of the off-shift for me. I would be back on duty in five hours and needed to decide what I wanted to do.

After a moment of contemplation, the idea to go back to sleep was discarded, instead, I decided to go into the forward observatory and watch the strangeness that was hyperspace. There was a strange sort of beauty to the iridescent radiation, getting turned away by the shields, even if the day before had been a grim reminder just what happened if the shields failed. Maybe the attraction it had on me was similar to the bright colours of some venomous animals, signaling danger and thus excitement. Or maybe I was just enjoying looking at the fascinating colours, that might be closer to the truth.

“Want to get some food?” Grace asked, still looking haggard but a lot less haunted than she had earlier. The shower had obviously helped restore her to normal, especially if she now had an appetite.

“Sure, even if I might take a vegetarian option.” I joked in return, seeing her pale just a bit. Maybe she wasn’t as recovered as I had thought and I might want to watch what I said.

“Sounds good…” she agreed with a slightly brittle tone in her voice.

The mess was relatively empty, not a surprise given the time and we easily found something to settle our stomachs. For once, the bland protein-porridge seemed to be a great thing, no troublesome associations that might stir up gruesome memories in my mind. The taste wasn’t anything exciting, roughly on a level with ration-bars, but I knew it would help me through a long shift, especially if I returned shortly before my shift started and stocked up.

Both, Grace and me, were still a little subdued due to our dreams, so conversation was sparse, limited to the pressing matters and a little sombre. Part of me wanted to flee as soon as I was done, but another part felt that it wouldn’t be right to simply leave Grace alone with her thoughts.

“I’ll go into to forward observatory, mostly to read and enjoy the view. Do you want to join me?” I asked, trying to give her the option without actively encouraging her to take it.

After a moment of contemplation, she nodded and we returned our trays and headed forward, to the observation-chamber.

Once again, I wondered why nobody seemed to use it, most of the time, it was empty, despite the spectacular view.

Walking up to the glass, I looked outside, watching the riot of radiation exciting the shields and producing a otherworldly display of colour. Part of my mind was certain that there was a pattern to it, almost like a melody or a song, but realistically, any pattern I was seeing was a figment of my imagination. Somehow, knowing that didn’t deter me in the slightest, part of me was drawn to the deadly radiation outside. To me, Hyperspace and Hyperspace travel represented one of the biggest victories of humanity, or rather of the various civilisations out there, over Nature. Where Nature had its laws, limiting everything in the part of reality that we inhabited to a degree, here we were, stepping outside of that frame to get around some of the laws.

Intellectually, I knew that it wasn’t true, Hyperspace was just as much part of Nature as Real-Space was but the idea, of Hyperspace and the ability to travel it, representing freedom was one that I enjoyed and cherished. Even if I had to accept the irony of enlisting into one of the most structured environments existing, the Federation Starfleet, to achieve my desire for freedom.

“How can you watch that?” Grace asked, still standing at the door?

Turning, I looked at her and noticed that she looked a little green around her nose, causing me to raise an eyebrow in question.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Just looking out there gives me a headache.” she complained and plopped herself down, with her back to the window, while taking out her tablet to read.

Shrugging, I turned back, wondering why she didn’t go somewhere else if she disliked the view so much. With a thought of, ‘Not my problem.’ I continued to look out, trying to formulate the pattern I was seeing into the formulas I had read about. A completely pointless task, human minds just weren’t made for that sort of computations but a fascinating puzzle nonetheless.