Rule 7

Deal Wisely & Run Like A Coward

Statement: When facing monsters, there are three choices. Attack and eliminate. Run and survive. Or hope it doesn’t notice the meal standing in front of it. For all my talk of being a sneak and ignored by creatures, there are a few that are simply too strong for me to hide from. When they see me, I know. I know with utter certainty that makes my legs quake. This—was the second creature to do so.

It knew I was there. I knew it was there. I couldn’t see “it.” I did not dare turn around. Multiple warnings had been given against gazing at the being that surely crept behind us.

I wanted to turn, throw a bomb at the monster, and flee until everyone in the universe forgot I existed. That I didn’t, either labels me a fool or a brave man. Both were doomed to die. The stewardess had told me to add a dash of wisdom.

“Greetings,” I said. Addressing the presence behind me didn’t feel wise, but a wise man would fake being in control. This—in less dressy terms—was a bluff.

Something popped. Like chewing gum. It continued to pop and the wave of despair loosened enough for my knees to stop wobbling. I glared at my legs and cursed them for being treacherous.

“He says hello,” Midge stated.

I watched Little Shade. She kept her head facing the ground. Only the barest hint of her fingers stood out in the near darkness of our location. My knees decided to shake despite their earlier steadiness, but my mind counted the steps toward the exit.

The walls on either side of me shook. Thick bubbling noises came from behind me. It sounded like thick soup being brought to a boil. A long dark line of dripping mush slammed into the wall near Little Shade. She jerked once then resumed her frozen posture, hand still on the hat’s brim.

“Mister Yuck Yuck says he doesn’t like your face,” Midge said. “Says it’s like somebody he used to know.”

Mister Yuck Yuck must be the presence behind me. He’d also been aggressive with that bit of material to my right. I eyed the long cord and watched as it fell from the wall and pulled back out of my sight. It reminded me of an octopus tentacle, but trailing thick rotten smelling slime.

“Okay.” His feelings on my face were immaterial unless it impacted prices. I could put on Hawthorn, but then my mind would be focused solely on finding a place to give Little Shade a tumble. The libido of my other form worsened around women.

“I told him you said that’s normal. No one likes his face either. Then I insulted his mother for you. I’m doing good, right, smiling killer?” Midge’s voice stretched on and my heartbeat sped. One hand twitched as I pushed away the urge to use an explosive spell on someone’s face.

“You are doing terrible.” I felt utterly certain Midge knew insults were bad. They wouldn’t help bargaining.

The person behind me bubbled.

“We’re here to buy. Of course. I told you. I always tell you. These mortal wants gifts and will pay. They think items are more powerful than knowledge.”

Mister Yuck Yuck, I assumed, bubbled and popped then gurgled like a fat drunk baby halfway to retching. My stomach twisted and I could taste the last few bars of food crawling their way back up. I swallowed and ignored the metallic taste.

“So, Mister Yuck Yuck will sell you goods. What do you want to buy?” Midge asked.

“Strength,” I said. “Enough to fight the Ogre King. Enough to fight anything.”

A single loud pop echoed from behind me.

“Ooooohhhhh,” Midge said. “Okay.”

Midge babbled.

Mister Yuck Yuck’s burbling must be talking. He popped and crackled and I kept an eye on the exit. My legs were stable. Little Shade hadn’t faded away.

“He can give you a potion made of, oh. No he doesn’t want to know what they’re made of. Trust me. No one does,” Midge said happily. “Smart shoppers don’t ask what goes into their food. No they don’t.”

“I do not want potions. They are limited.” Plus glass broke. I hadn’t run into a single potion that lasted beyond the first one in that store. “What else is there?”

“I don’t know. I’ll keep asking.” Midge spun in a lazy circle. I kept wanting to turn in her direction and get a better glimpse, but the faerie insisted on hovering at the edge of my vision. “Yes. No. Yessssss.” Midge laughed. “What? No. No. That’s not helpful.”

Midge chattered at the burbling monster that might be behind me. Truthfully, the creature could have had the vestige of a centerfold and I’d never know. As for the fluttering faerie hovering to one side, her tone felt rude and condescending, but I couldn’t tell who it was aimed at.

Post Note: Dealing with Midge is a lot like dealing with a child. Be it her size, broken sentences, or spouting gibberish, something about her makes me give far too many second chances. Rest assured that if Callisto or Leon ever spoke to me like this, I’d likely gut them. One of the benefits to this new world is that there are always monsters out there to assist in cathartic activity. But people I don’t want to kill? They’re in short supply.

“Mister Yuck Yuck says he has something that might work. Says it will cost you fifteen hundred bucks. That’s a lot. You could buy fifteen secrets instead. I can tell you where to find a briar patch that can’t be burnt or where to find moths that speak French. I also know the secret to licking your own elbow. It’d be perfect for you.”

Mister Yuck Yuck burbled. At what, I couldn’t tell. None of Midge’s ideas sounded good. One of them was borderline offensive. I mean, no one wanted French speaking bugs.

“What’s the catch?” I asked. Every power here had a downside.

Bubbling laughter came from behind me. It sounded like a pot of split pea soup popping repeatedly. The noise made me hungry for a Thanksgiving meal. Warm food was a luxury requiring fire and patience. Fire, despite my explosive rune, was harder to manage.

Post Note: My mother, before she passed, made split pea soup for every holiday. Ham, thick spices, cooked for most of a day. The taste of it escapes me now, but I remember it being delicious. Those were better days. Gone now, gone far away. But I wonder, would she have exited the line like my brother? Would she have changed? Worse still, what would she think of who I’ve become?

I tried to remember what time of year it was then gave up. Thinking of food now wouldn’t help. The situation at hand required a bit more seriousness than I’d been giving it.

“I’ll ask him! I’ll ask. Keep your arms straight and stop giving me all those ovals. It’s so rude.” Midge stretched out the last sentence like an indignant teenager. With a high-pitched voice. And faerie wings.

I took in a deep breath and worried this might backfire. Fifteen hundred had been the result of a months’ worth of monster murdering and dungeon running. It was entirely possible I’d die in another month. Logic also indicated that I had no time to sort anymore of Midge’s nonsense hints.

“He says there’s no catch. I mean, besides wanting to eat you. But that’s not a catch. You pay. He provides. Everyone is happy. Until the eating.”

My gut sank. Midge hadn’t lied yet, to my knowledge. Mister Yuck Yuck burbled like the indiscriminate eater type. I twitched toward the spell book again. The creature may suddenly attack but I held no fear of blowing us all to smithereens. I’d done so with the Ogre King, I’d do so with the burbling monster.

Suddenly, part of me hoped it would attack. There had to be a boatload of treasures in the warehouse. If this went well, then in the future Mister Yuck Yuck might gather more items worth purchasing. Killing such a being now meant no possible rewards later. I balanced the two options for a few breaths then nodded.

“Deal. Fifteen hundred.” I’d read the tale of the golden goose. It was perfectly sensible not to cut the monster open now. It also helped that I wasn’t sure of winning.

I pulled my card out of a pocket. The durable object showed no signs of being bent or wrinkled by wear or tear. It showed just enough money. I also noticed it said Lance in bold, and showed a new title, [Knife-Eared Exploder]. That mystery would be for another day. I held up my card over one shoulder and pinched the edges tight enough to whiten my fingers.

“Other hand!” Midge shouted. “Hold it out! Unless, oh gross.”

Before Midge’s words could completely sink in, something thick settled over my neck. I tensed and pulled out the red explosive spell energy from between my book. The object remained loose and clinked like beer bottles smacking together. I saw the edge of a black slimy tendril pull back from sight.

The merchant had placed a necklace over my head. There were dozens of teeth, big, flat, and clearly un-flossed. They reminded me of ogre molars. Every fifth tooth was a long sharp one that didn’t belong to the ogres. It was too, canine, and pure white, to the point they were nearly see-through. I opted not to blow something fragile to pieces. I checked my card, and sure enough, it showed almost zero remaining bucks.

My head bobbed. This had to be worth it. If not, that’d be a lesson too. I closed my eyes briefly and wondered what kind of power a necklace full of teeth might give me.

Midge clapped and said, “Good! Deal’s done. Now we run before he eats us.”

“What?” I asked, pulling focus back to the rest of the room.

Little Shade had already vanished. I saw Midge’s wings leave a streak of light as she ventured out of the room.

I stared at the slime covered teeth in utter confusion. Then something behind me burbled. The walls shook. Tentacles of ick shot out and slammed into the wall. They crept along for the door.

I ran. The explosive rune went toward a wall. One hand came up with a dagger ready hack anything that latched onto me. Those long blobs continued to creep steadily toward the doorway. They closed the gap while I sprinted at full speed.

My leg had other plans. At the doorway, it snapped. The sudden pain sent me sliding into the half-closed exit. I closed my eyes for a second and wished away the pain. It numbed. By the time I’d opened my eyes the large thick doors had almost fully been closed on my body.

I turned. I saw it.

I immediately felt sick and my vision blurred. My stomach twisted into knots as a smell, one I’d never noticed before, wafted over me. Open sewer lines and three-week-old dead bodies couldn’t complete with the stench.

Mister Yuck Yuck was a giant burbling mass. Black puss sloughed off a darker core that was faintly humanoid. It froze. The doors stopped closing. Mister Yuck Yuck bubbled as goo poured forth from its body and plopped onto the ground.

Our moment of peace ended. The creature reached out with two arms and large tentacles of ooze lifted on either side. Their ends wavered and twitched unsteadily.

The explosive rune went off. Goo, I presumed to be from one of the prior tentacles which had been closing the door, splattered everywhere. Mister Yuck Yuck’s body swayed. His newly formed arms lost cohesion.

Post Note: I mean everywhere. I found goo in my hair. In my pants. Under an armpit. I’d been slimed by an ooze monster that lived in a sewer plant. Never mind the necklace of teeth.

I crawled out of the room. My leg refused to work but the pain stayed distant. At a corner, I got up and hobbled. The doors behind me ground and sloshing sounds could be heard. Another explosive rune went onto a wall at waist level.

Five seconds later, it went boom. I giggled and winced in pain. My leg hurt more with each step. Apparently my mental power to turn off agony only stretched so far. Alternatively, using other powers such as my explosives might be diminishing the numbness.

My thoughts drifted for a moment.

“Come on!” Midge shouted. “Hey! Hey! Listen, dammit.”

I waved an arm and faded out briefly as the third rune took energy from me. Each time the spell went off I felt a sucking sensation that pulled down to my fingertips, but it was worse right now. The rune glowed brightly as it etched out the familiar pattern into the nearby wall. I slid my fingers over the edges and felt momentarily confused by an illusionary depth to the pattern.

“I said come on. This way. Before Mister Yuck Yuck eats your face,” Midge shouted.

There were only two of us. “Where’s Little Shade?” I asked. She might have an ability to get us out quicker.

“She’s smarter than you. She ran!”

I followed Midge. My other hand used the wall to hold me up. She darted ahead, screaming urgently. I slowed to put down new traps. Spells exploded behind me as fast as I set them. Our merchant of gross hadn’t given up.

We reached daylight. Shaded, dark, and still cold, but I could see the last drops of sunlight playing on the overgrown sidewalk a dozen yards away. I limped a few more steps. Midge floated at the doorway and waved to something behind me.

“Nice dealing with you!” she shouted.

I slowed down and turned. My leg almost gave way. There, at the doorway to this processing center, was a single oozing limb. It waved at Midge. I couldn’t tell if it was a happy wave, a taunting one, or even rude.

“I’ll be back next month!” Midge waved.

The limb snaked back in, making sure to close the building’s door behind it. I held still and attempted to process everything that had happened. We’d gone into that open sewage location, made a deal with a slime monster, and engaged in a deadly game of chase. Midge, apparently, felt no fear and was willing to go back.

Life had truly been strange since the event. I put it out of my mind in an effort not to go madder.

“That was Mister Yuck Yuck?” I asked.

Midge nodded, smiled, frowned, and nodded again. She couldn’t seem to make up her mind about the creature. “He’s a friend. Or an enemy. Or a slave. Whatever those together mean in English.”

I’d made up my own mind. Only desperation would drive me back into that creature’s den; or a bigger explosive spells. I wouldn’t dare until my spell book had been filled to the brim. If I killed it right now and ended up with an icky spell that turned me into a slime man, I could never look at Stella again.