Chapter 25: A Little Bit Of Normal

I looked at Charlotte who was sleeping on my arm, her brows furrowed and she was clutching onto my arm tighter than before. Her brow is furrowed and I could tell by how her eyelids are flickering that she’s having a bad dream. I picked up on this little quirk in human behaviour back in Sapporo. Shuji said it was something to do with sleep cycles and something about rapid eye movement, I don’t really understand it. All I know is that their eyes move under the eyelids when it happens. I also know when it’s a bad dream, well it isn’t that hard to figure out, the expression on the face in question makes it easy to tell.

We were on our way back to the capital, we went right through Northedor. It wasn’t even my idea, Jacob said he wasn’t in a mood to play house with the Viscount and I expect the rest weren’t either. Charlotte didn’t even protest, she just nodded when Jacob proposed it. When one of the guards told us that the Viscount wanted to see us again, I just told him that the king wanted us back at the capital as soon as possible. There’s no way this poor schmuck was going to try to go against the king, that’s how you lose your head…

That was a day ago and we should be nearing the capital. Probably be there in a few more hours. I got some sleep earlier but I always don’t sleep well after a battle.

Then I feel Charlotte stir. I turn and I see her sit up as she rubbed the cheek that was pressed on my arm.

“Mmmm your jacket is so rough.” Charlotte said sleepily.

“Sorry.” I said with a small laugh.

“Had a good rest?” I ask.

“No, not really… bad dream.” Charlotte said with a sigh.

“Yeah I thought so.” I reply as I put my arm around her shoulder and give it a gentle squeeze.

Charlotte scooted closer and leaned her head against my shoulder as she let out another sigh.

“If you knew why did you ask?” Charlotte asked as she tilted her up slightly so she could look up at me.

“Just trying to be polite.” I replied with a smirk.

“Right…” Charlotte said with a smile of her own as she shifted slightly to make herself more comfortable.

“Do people have bad dreams often? Like after… you know.” Charlotte asked softly.

“More often than not. A lot of people think killing is the worst part of the war. They’re only half right, the worst part is seeing people getting killed. If you do the deed, you can justify it somehow. It’s seeing people you know die that cuts the deepest. It feels senseless, your brain can’t really fathom it. This person you know is just… gone. The worst holes in the heart are caused by taking someone out of it.” I say softly.

“Then what about us? If one of us goes, then what? Should we even be doing this?” Charlotte asked.

“My brother once told me, we don’t get to choose who we care for. It’s almost like a curse no matter how much you try not to grow attached you just end up doing getting attached anyway… given enough time. You gotta talk sometime.” I say as I look down at her.

“Yeah I think not caring is a ship that has sailed.” Charlotte said as her gaze met mine.

“Sailed, wrecked and sunk to the bottom of the ocean.” I say softly.

“Sweet talker, I bet you say that to every girl on your shoulder.” Charlotte said with a small smile.

“Trust me I’m not the best at fraternising. Never had much practice.” I reply.

“I imagine that’s more of Jacob’s field of expertise.” Charlotte said.

“Yeah I guess we have our own fields, we are all so different yet we work surprisingly well together.” I say thoughtfully.

“You know back at the first fight with the demons I told you we would talk about what was bothering me. I think this is as good a time as any. If you don’t mind that is.” Charlotte said.

“Of course, what is it?” I ask.

“During the first battle, a lot of the archers were injured behind me. They were crying for help… but I knew I couldn’t help them. Everyone was fighting in front of me. If I tired myself out healing them then I may not have the stamina to continue the fight. So I did nothing… I just stood there trying not to listen to their pleas…” Charlotte said as her voice cracked.

“There are no easy choices in war. We just do what we can, do what we think is right.” I say softly as I give her shoulder another squeeze.

“When the battle ended… I still had strength left over, if I healed some of them… then some could have survived… gone home… raised families…” Charlotte said as her voice began shaking more and more.

“You couldn’t have known that.” I say cutting her off.

“There’s a lot of what ifs in war, don’t think about it. You did all you could in the moment, that’s all anyone can do.” I say softly.

“That doesn’t make me feel much better…” Charlotte said.

“I know, you’ll have many regrets by the time this war is over. Many people you might have been able to save but you didn’t. You’ll never be able to settle all of them even if you live forever…” I say.

“The trick is to learn to live with yourself.” Charlotte said, finishing my sentence.

“Yeah exactly.” I say with a smile.

“So how did you do it?” Charlotte asked.

“I just got numb to it I suppose. It still gets to me, I’m not strong enough to deal with everything. As you can tell by that episode back in the common room.” I say.

“Does anything help with it?” Charlotte asked.

“Having people you care about helps…” I say, to a slight blush from Charlotte.

“And knowing there’s someone who cares helps a lot.” I say as I give her shoulder another squeeze.

“Sweet talker…” Charlotte said with a giggle.

“Have you ever had to do something like that?” Charlotte asked.

“Yeah, there was once this battle. It was going well, we were pushing forward but suddenly an enemy IFV pulled out into the street in front of us.” I say.

“IFV?” Charlotte asked as she tilted her head slightly in confusion.

“Infantry Fighting Vehicle. They’re like tanks but with smaller guns and a space inside to carry a section of soldiers. This one had an auto cannon mounted on the top, it fires bullets as long as my hand.” I say as I hold my hand out to give her an idea of the size.

“Those auto cannons chew through almost everything. One kid, a 15 year old named Ryuichi. He got caught in the line of fire. The auto cannon hit him in the stomach and it blew his guts right out the back of his belly. He didn’t die immediately, would probably be best if he did. A girl that he was close to managed to drag him behind this destroyed taxi. She was talking to him and holding his hand. The two of them were close, very close. They were in the same section in training camp.

I saw the wound, he was probably missing most of his organs in his belly. There was no way he would be surviving that. I’m surprised he’s even alive, the round must have hit him just the right way… or wrong way I guess.

Anyway the girl Aika, she just held his hand and talked to him while the IFV hammered round after round into the area around her. Some of the shots went right through the taxi, just one unlucky hit and she would get blown to pieces.

I tried calling her, ordering her to get back here. She wouldn’t listen, she just knelt there holding his hand, talking to him. I couldn’t hear exactly what she was saying over the roar of all the gun fire.

Then the APC switched targets to my position, I guess it thought it already got her. The rounds tore into the rubble around us. Luckily for us we had a section of collapsed wall as cover, that was much better than the sheet metal of a busted car. My brother told the section to retreat and at that moment I made a choice. There were three others with me and Aika was just one girl lost in her own world. So I threw a smoke grenade in front of us and I left…” I finish with a sigh.

“There was nothing you could have done.” Charlotte replied.

“Doesn’t make me feel much better.” I said with a small smile.

“I see what you mean.” Charlotte said with a small laugh.

“You know that night before we left, Liana took me aside and she asked me what the Life God said to me.” Charlotte said.

“Oh?” I replied. I won’t lie, I'm quite curious what the other gods are like. I know mine is a sadistic, sarcastic asshole but I assume the rest aren’t. I never asked the rest about the other gods, it seemed rude to pry.

“I think she was seeking spiritual guidance, with what she… knew was going to happen the next day.” Charlotte said.

“So what did you tell her?” I ask.

“I told her the Life God seemed to know everything about me, my doubts, my fears. That the Life God knew more about us than we do. Then she asked what my conversation with the Life God was like.

The Life God, she quoted embarrassing things only my parents or a few close friends would know. She answered every question I had perfectly. She always used the right words and the right metaphors so that I knew exactly what she was talking about. You know what was the first question I asked her?” Charlotte said as she looked up.

“What?” I asked.

“Why me? I could think of a dozen other people better than me.” Charlotte said as she furrowed her brow.

“Do you know what she said?” Charlotte asked.

“What?” I replied again.

“She said I was always her first choice. Then I asked if it was because the better suited ones would have said no. I mean it makes sense, if the gods are really omnipotent they would know our answers before we even gave them.

Then she said that a person’s choices matter as much as their abilities. Talent, knowledge, competency, all of those are just a sword. A sword has no use unless wielded, you can have the best sword in the world, but what use is a sword that never leaves it’s sheathe when it matters most? Our choices matter, they matter more than anything in the world… that’s what the Life God was trying to tell me. Our choices define who we are, we can think anything we want, say anything we want, but in the end it is our choices that matter.” Charlotte said as she looked away her face lost in thought.

“Once me and my older brother got into a big fight, we were arguing about something. We couldn’t settle it so we ended up doing stupid things. He put snails in my shoes, I spilled ink on his text book, juvenile childish things. Eventually my father lost his patience and we expected to get a scolding instead he gave us a riddle.” Charlotte said with a smile as if she was remembering a happy memory.

“A riddle?” I asked, confused.

“Yes a riddle. He asked, your paint is peeling, your curtains are gone and the water is boiling. What do you fix first?” Charlotte asked as she looked back at me.

“Erm… I was never good with riddles. The boiling water? Because the boiling water might be over a fire and that might be a problem?” I reply, giving it my best shot.

“That’s what I said too.” Charlotte said with a small laugh.

“I’m guessing we got it wrong?” I reply with a smirk.

“Yes, the answer is none of them. The house is on fire. My father told us we were choosing to get upset at each other over the small insignificant things instead of solving the main issue. Then he asked what was the main issue… you know what’s funny?” Charlotte asked.

“What?” I asked.

“We didn’t remember, in fact me and my brother remembered different things. This whole snails and ink thing had been going on for almost a month. We were so upset at each other for every little prank we ended forgetting what started it all. We were blindsided by all the trivial problems in front of us. We didn't look at the bigger picture, we never even asked why the house was on fire…” Charlotte said.

“Huh, that's a pretty effective way of proving a point.” I say, well I must say I am impressed. I suspect Charlotte’s dad let the pranks go on so long just to prove his point. If you stop this one you won’t stop the next one unless you address the underlying issue.

“That’s the same logic you used when you made that plan. The soldiers are dying, the villages are burnt down and the demons are knocking on our door. What do you fix? The Rift that the demons are pouring out of. No fire, no peeling paint, no burning curtains and no boiling water…” Charlotte said.

“I wish I could see the world as clearly as you do Katsuro. As Liana said, when others would flee, you act. You know the price of your choice, you know the burden that you will have to bear, yet you do so anyway. I wish I had your courage, I’m so afraid most of the time. Afraid of this, afraid of that, so many times in my life I find myself frozen, unable to do what needs to be done.” Charlotte said softly.

“Only time a person can be brave is when they are afraid. No courage without fear, but I don’t have it all figured out. My brother Shuji, you would have liked him, he always knew what to do. All my life I walked in his shadow, trying to be as good as him... and always failing…

In the moment I know what needs to be done because I know the price of failure. My brother once said that when I am in a battle, I’m like a shepherd herding livestock into a slaughterhouse. That I march towards the enemy leaving death in my wake, yet… as I march towards death I look like I would welcome it.

I can act because I don’t fear for myself, I fear for everyone else. I fear what will happen if I fail, so I fight with all I have. Most of the time I don’t even care if I come back from a fight as long as everyone else gets out alive.” I say with a sigh.

“I know, that’s why you can’t promise you won’t do crazy things that almost get you killed. I know asking you not to do those things is selfish. I know what’s at stake, I know why you do it, but…” Charlotte said as her voice shook for a moment.

“But?” I ask.

“Could you try to come back? Come back to me… for me?” Charlotte said softly as her blue sapphire eyes met my own. I could see that shimmer in her eyes that they always had when she gets worried.

“I’ll try… I promise.” I say as I reach up and cup her cheek. Charlotte leans into my hand ever so slightly and I smile.

Charlotte starts to lean in and so do I. Soon we are nose to nose and I can feel her breath on my face. Her face is scarlet and I can feel the heat on my own cheeks. She leans in and closes her eyes, I do the same. I can feel her breathe on my lips now…

*Plop*

I freeze and I feel Charlotte flinch as we hear the sound of something being uncorked. I open my eyes and I see Charlotte looking at me. We spent a moment just blinking at each other before turning to see Jacob sitting there with a waterskin in one hand and the cap in the other. He had the expression of a boy that was caught with his hand in a cookie jar.

“In my defense I never fully appreciated how loud this thing is when you uncork it…” Jacob said quietly.

“How long have you been awake?” Charlotte asked softly

“Since the part with the riddle…” Jacob said tentatively as he gave us a sheepish smile.

“I thought you could sense when people were looking at you…” Charlotte said to me, her face now red with embarrassment.

“It’s like a danger sense, it only works when they are out to get me” I reply sheepishly.

At those words Charlotte buried her face in her hands and I could swear if she got any redder there would be steam rising out the top of her head.

“Mhmm what’s going on?” Ivan muttered as he opened one eye and looked at all of us.

“Nothing, Ivan… sorry for waking you up…” I say with a sigh.

“Sure, it’s no trouble.” Ivan said as he just crossed his arms and went back to sleep. In a few moments he was back to sleep as if nothing even happened. Honestly he slept like… well a rock.

“You know, next time could you not just sit there like you’re watching a TV show?” I asked dryly.

“I was just curious how you would go about it. Hey I mean, I’ve had a few girlfriends but I had to work for them. From the way things have been going, girls seem to be throwing themselves at you. Charlotte, then Amethine, heck after your little show of concern at the village now even Alfie’s giving you looks.” Jacob said with a smirk.

“Amethine’s just… abused so the moment a guy showed her any bit of decency, her hormones just surged out like a breached dam. Alfie should be in a similar situation, it’s honestly like Stockholm syndrome.” I reply with a grimace.

“Katsuro, Stockholm syndrome is when you kidnap someone, hold them against their will and they somehow develop feelings for their captors.” Charlotte said from the side.

“Oh… then maybe I got it mixed up with something else.” I say as I furrow my brow.

“Yes, I think so.” Charlotte said with a small giggle.

“Stockholm syndrome generally comes around when an individual is held in a position where they cannot escape. So to cope they start to think they like the person holding them captive and maybe believe in their cause.” Charlotte explained.

“You kidnap anyone before Charlotte?” Jacob asked with a smirk.

“No, I took psychology in high school.” Charlotte said with a roll of her eyes.

“What kind of school did you go to? Since when did high schools have psychology modules?” Jacob asked.

“The Prussian Royal Institute for the Aristocracy, it’s a school only attended by nobles. Almost all nobles are expected to be public figures to a greater or lesser extent. Even someone like me who isn’t slated to inherit the domain must undergo the relevant education needed. We were different than most other schools and we took more subjects. Some of the odd ones I took were Psychology, Human Resource Management, Economics, Public Relations, Town Planning, Basics of Architecture.” Charlotte said.

“Wait wait, that’s six subjects. You took all of them at once?” I ask, surprised, I took seven subjects in high school… those six weren’t even including the languages, maths and science…

“Yes I took thirteen subjects.” Charlotte said as Jacob choked on his water.

“What did you take?” I ask, amazed.

“German, French, English, Latin, Mathematics, General Science, History, Psychology, Human Resource Management, Economics, Public Relations, Town Planning, Basics of Architecture. I wanted to take Advanced Mathematics instead of Mathematics but my subject load was too high.” Charlotte said as she sighed at the last sentence.

“Did… all students in your school take that?” I ask tentatively, and I thought the Japanese education system was draconian..

“No they split the cohort into three groups, the gifted classes which I went to, took ten to thirteen subjects, the advanced classes took seven to nine subjects and the normal classes took six subjects.” Charlotte said.

“So how did you do in school?” I ask tentatively, so Charlotte was maxed out in subjects? Damn if she was in my class, she would slaughter everyone in our class… the teachers would have aneurysm moderating her grades...

“Oh I was top in my class for all of them except General Science, I’m… not very good at Chemistry…” Charlotte said sheepishly.

“Wouldn’t want to be you, Katsuro.” Jacob said with another playful smirk.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, furrowing my brows.

“When you get into a lovers spat with her, remember thirteen subjects, top of her class. She knows psychology so she can get into your head.” Jacob said as he tapped his temple with his finger.

“I wouldn’t do that to Katsuro.” Charlotte says indignantly as she sat up straight and leaned forward.

“Oh you haven’t been really mad at him yet. Trust me I’ve dated a lot of girls, when the shit hits the fan things get uuuuugly.” Jacob said with a smirk as he dragged the last word.

“No I wouldn’t do that.” Charlotte said hotly.

“I like how you aren’t even denying that the two of you will get into a lovers spat. You need to be lovers to be in a lovers spat.” Jacob said with another smirk. This shut Charlotte up as she blushed pink again and bit her lip.

“Well… me and Katsuro… we haven’t agreed…” Charlotte stammered.

“Sure rub it in my single face.” Jacob said with another laugh.

“Jacob…” I said my tone clipped.

“Not gonna deny it either huh? Well that’s fine by me this way you can leave some girls for the rest of us. Unless Charlotte doesn’t mind sharing…” Jacob said with another wry grin.

“I’m not into polygamy.” I say as my eyebrow twitches.

“Kidding…” Jacob said as he raised his hands in surrender.

“I’m never going to get any sleep like this…” Ivan said as he opened an annoyed eye at the rest of us.

“Sorry.” Charlotte said quietly, still looking very embarrassed.

Seeing this I reached over and put my arm around Charlotte’s shoulder and pulled her a little closer. Charlotte looked at me surprised at my sudden show of affection. I gave her a warm smile and she returned it with a shy one of her own. I sensed Jacob was about to say something and I shot him a glare. Seeing this he silently raised his hands in surrender again. The carriage then descended into awkward silence as the four of us just looked at each other.

“So…” Jacob began as he looked around the cabin trying to diffuse the awkward tension in the air.

“Err Ivan, where did you go to school?” Jacob asked.

I didn’t

Oh…

When we finally got back to the room it was late in the night. The attendants said we will be meeting the king tomorrow. Well I’m looking forward to a good night's sleep, don’t get me wrong I’m used to sleeping in horribly uncomfortable places but hey there’s silk sheets here. The nightmares are getting better, it’s only been over a month but my time in Sapporo is starting to feel like a lifetime ago.

I know I wasn’t used to the fancy bed when I first got here but it’s starting to grow on me. Although the added relaxation of a good night's rest does make the scars hurt more. Sleeping on the road and out in the field the past few days made the pain better. All that tension somehow makes the pain feel less present. It’s almost like my body is telling me I’m not suited for calm and comfort. Like being out there fighting is where I belong and this… normal room, with normal conversations like back in that carriage is something alien.

Normal conversations… I don’t remember the last time I talked about school. I don’t even remember how I did in most of my subjects. I know I’m good at literature, I think I was ok at math and science? Or was I horrible at them? My god, the time before the war feels like two lifetimes ago…

What did I do for fun? I don’t remember much besides reading and going out for meals occasionally with friends and family. Even then the amount of outings I remember are far too few to be accurate. I’m pretty sure I went out more than three times…

Then I feel a tap on my shoulder and I turn to see Charlotte looking at me.

“You ok? You were just standing there looking out into space.” Charlotte said.

“Yeah, just thinking about some stuff. Sorry must just be tired, it’s been a long day” I say.

“Yeah, I suppose it has.” Charlotte said with a smile.

“Can I tell you something?” Charlotte said softly as her face went a little pink.

“Sure, what?” I asked, a little confused. Charlotte motioned me to lean in and she did the same as if she wanted to whisper something in my ear.

Then I felt her kiss me on the right cheek as she moved back and stood back in front of me, her face now scarlet. I blinked and touched my cheek. I could feel the heat from my own cheek as I touched the spot where she kissed me.

“Good night Katsuro.” Charlotte said shyly as she turned and went into her room, closing the door behind her.

Yeah…

Good night...