“What do you want to do in life?”

A tough question about the philosophy of life and the meaning of death. A question that appears intimidating, even overwhelming at times. But also a question so broad that most people can easily find a dream they want to achieve.

Build a house, plant a tree, and nurture 1.54 children. Learn an instrument, run a marathon, visit a certain country. There are billions of people on the Earth and every single one has hopes and dreams. A different list of goals before their short time on earth ends.

It’s easy to find comfortable answers.

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”

One of the most typical questions during job interviews. Awkwardly answered with ‘hopefully still here’ or another standardized answer found in some Internet guidebook. A question that should be easier but feels so much harder to answer truthfully.

Because achieving something in a year or two might need work put in today. Learning to speak a language at some time in the future sounds good. But being able to have simple conversations in a year or two? That sounds like index cards filled with vocabulary and dry books about grammar. It sounds like hours of learning in the evening. After school or work. And instead of the usual leisure time.

It might be better to laugh it off.

“What do you want to do today?”

This was the question the counselors asked me after my diagnosis. A question so small and unimportant I couldn’t even answer it. After all, the average man lives more than 70 years. Over 25,000 days. We wouldn’t fight over a dollar or two while buying a 50,000 dollar car. Wasn’t that the same?

“What do you want to achieve today?”

The counselors ignored my ‘to live one more day’ and ‘survive’. Such clever answers, spoken with the prideful grin of an ignorant child. Instead, they just repeated their question. Over and over again. And suddenly a day wasn’t dispensable change anymore. It changed into the missing slice of a small pizza.

During one of these sessions I realized.

Wasn’t it still the same question about the same day? Not big or complicated. A question about a handful of hours after school or work. Too short to plan for anything big. Too short to get lost in dreams or plan more plans. A span so short it often drowned in the daily routine, not even allowed that one question. That one moment of thought.

Here I was, laying on my sickbed, screaming, praying, begging, bargaining for another month, another week, another day. But how many hours had I wasted after school, waiting for the next Friday when a new episode of my favorite show would come out? Another moment of pure bliss that overshadowed six wasted days of gray.

Hey! Did you use an hour of each evening to make another small step toward that big dream of yours? No? Then why didn’t you stop for a minute and ask yourself whether you really want to channel-hop to kill time? Do you really want this or are you just doing it because it’s part of your daily grind? The same as usual? Then, are you enjoying yourself?

Hey? Have you already asked yourself… whether you actually lived today?

It was the moment I stopped the counseling sessions and completely burrowed into a video game. So that anything could stay the same. So that I didn’t need to think. And didn’t need to ask my past self why I never bothered with these questions.

A brat’s overreaction. Although that is something I can only say looking back at it. After all those years, all those fights, and all the people I saw go before me. Only now can I flatter myself as being mature in front of my daughter and laugh about my younger self’s immaturity.

But it was also that childish stubbornness that would save me in this world.

Without my obsession with her, I would have never wasted my last weeks in the game, spending more time reading lore than talking with my mother. A horrible act. A selfish act. But that same knowledge would also save me repeatedly. Without it I would have died long ago. Either slain by monsters or as a futureless drunk in some back alley.

But the fairies of fate are crafty, always laughing and scheming.

And the same question appeared before me again.

I had just saved the southern villages and their residents looked at me with inquiring eyes. As if I was now responsible for that new lease of life. As if it was my fault that their trust into the usual world was broken. Hence gazes full of questions bombarded me as Master Bernier dragged me away.

Back onto the path toward Gladford.

Toward Freiherr Houdin and Rhoslyn.

And toward the question I didn’t want to ask myself.

What did I want to do with my second life? Where would I like to stand in five years? In the village? Beside the sword maiden? Or even in Haithabu? Should I follow the Freiherr’s arrangements or risk to anger him? Which decisions would ensure my life and a safe growth? And which steps would I have to take to reach my goals?

All of these thoughts whirled in my head, bombarded me, and condensed into a single question that still haunts me to this day.

“What do I want to achieve today?”