The city was the game’s main hub. And it was the part the developers had spent the most time to polish. Neat rows of small two-story buildings, bright paved roads, merchants, quest givers and a lot of nameless background characters. The bustling market around the sword maiden’s statue was the starting point for fresh players and could fascinate them for a long time.

Although there were tons of forum posts criticizing the layout or the inner workings of the city, it remained a central place for me. I’ve never cared much for details or logic inside games and “The food production wouldn’t work” or “The street layout is ineffective” were discussions I left for others. Sitting on a bench, immersed in the atmosphere, was enough for me.

Sometimes I would sit here for hours, watching the play the merchants put on display for me, chat with unknown players or savor the sunset behind the city walls. White horses on gray flags, dancing in front of the passing clouds, beautiful enough to soothe my agitated thoughts. And although the game’s lore mentioned a war against monsters, a desperate struggle in a front-line city, or a gripping story, this square alone stayed peaceful.

But even with all this it still didn’t become my favorite spot.

And today it wasn’t good enough.

I left the bustling market, followed the clean streets uphill, crossed small canals on spotless bridges and turned towards the city’s tranquil center. There, behind a second inner wall, guarded by the white horses, one could find the mansions of the rich and beautiful. Nobles, successful merchants, glorious commanders, all of them lived up here. As did the players. Personal mansions, only accessible for the owners, were generated when one stepped through the district’s archway.

Silence. Peaceful tranquility.

And deep inside there was the single narrow room I owned. A world that only existed for me.

If not for the in-game rent, I might have hidden myself inside. But those player and guild bases cost a hefty amount.

Paid weekly in advance.

No chance to die for a dine and dash.

Hence I put on my gear, and stumbled through beginner quests. Over and over again.

The room itself was small. Even smaller than the one I stayed in offline. Two meters wide, three long. A single stool at the far end. My stool.

I would sit inside this empty room. For hours. All on my own. I wonder how many points that would earn me on my next depression screening? Let’s go for full marks.

My classmates had bought giant mansions full of fancy rooms. All of them useless as you don’t eat, sleep or change your clothes in here. So why exactly do you own three bathrooms? For the NPC that won’t ever visit you?

No. This was enough for me. A single room. Small enough to rent it with a handful of coins. But it was home to my most precious possession.

A few menu inputs and a half-transparent body appeared inside the room. Long silver hair, beautiful armor, an exquisite sword. It was the sword maiden. From the statue. And from the posters. Here. Just for me.

I sat down on my stool and watched her dance. One beautiful attack move. Followed by a pirouette. Did she just dodge something? A long swipe. Fast stabs to the feet.

An endless dance in front of me.

It was a cosmetic item. Bought with money. It displayed standard animations all the characters used. Even I knew that.

But to me it was a bewitching dance.

My classmates had bought it for me when they left the game.

Generic story, boring end-game content, waste of time.

They just logged off and left the game behind.

Left me behind.

Though they asked me to come with them. Onward to the next generic MMO. With a different poster girl and the same generic design. But fresh, exciting and hyped. Everybody knew we would have a better time over there.

But I declined.

How many times should I start over? Which game was worthy of my time? Did I even want to play games in my final weeks? What would I enjoy? A brand-new game would arouse all those questions.

And I didn’t want to think about those. Hence I stayed here. Left behind. Alone.

On their last day they logged in together and gifted me a crystal. An in-game transaction cosmetic. Paid with actual money. Unobtainable for me. How could I ask my mother for money to spend it on some immaterial junk? They knew my thoughts and bought it for me.

I got my treasure. They found relief. Something to ease their guilt. A win-win for all of us. They found fresh games to waste their time on. And I wasted my evenings inside my sanctuary.

With this beautiful dance.

Hidden in there was a single animation exclusive to her. A lightning-fast one hit kill. The greatest attack she displayed in the game’s intro. Neither the player classes nor other NPCs could access the skill. Even the official Wiki had no answer.

This animation sparked a rush inside the player base. Everyone tried to find the item, the teacher or the mission that would grant this skill. But they all failed. Of course they did. An exclusive attack for PVP battles? How fair would that be? And so they tried and tried until they reached the truth.

A laugh escaped my throat.

It had enraged all my classmates. They leveled for ages, rushed through the main story and discovered the hidden truth. The sword maiden, the game’s poster girl, wasn’t even inside the game. And her skill vanished with her death. They had sunk countless hours in the game and that’s it? Dead for 10 years. She was the heroine who created this beautiful city as humanity’s bastion against the monsters. And she wasn’t even in the game.

Lured in with beautiful women, they experienced a story full of scheming, old farts.

The forums were really entertaining back then. The developers tried to salvage the situation and announced a new DLC. Uncover her backstory for only 9.99. It didn’t go over that well. And shortly after my classmates left, chasing the next cover heroine.

But what did they expect? From a heroine with her very own memorial. That’s not something you would build for the living. Though maybe that’s just hindsight speaking. Back then I forced myself through some higher-level raids and hoped to see her appear before me. Another failure. Yet her death also brought her closer to me. Weird how feelings go.

Yawning.

My eyes were heavy.

“Hey.” I talked to the dancing maiden. “How is death? Does it hurt? Is there anything afterwards? Do you wake up somewhere else? Or is it just black nothingness forever?”

Would this count as talking to myself? Another check on my depression screening? Would people be… would my mother be appalled? But I needed the answers. I had to know.

“Hey.” I tried again. “How did you die?”

The small passages in the lore recounted a heroic death on the battlefield. A noble sacrifice for all of humanity. To create something that lives on years after you died. How beautiful would that be? For people to remember you, to not forget you over some new game? The savior of the human race. That sounded like something people hold dear to their hearts.

“Hey. Did you want this?”

I admired the beautiful maiden’s dance in front of me. Perfect movements. No spot on her clothes. Smooth wisps of hair flowing behind her.

“Was it painful?”

A death on the battlefield. Wounds all over her body, a dented armor, a battered sword. Blood. Mud. Sweat. Tears. Spots on those clothes. A broken figure on the ground. The last person breathing between her dead comrades. Awaiting death. Alone.

“Did you… smile?”

A happy sacrifice? Still a sacrifice, though. Did you choose to die for humanity? Or did humanity choose for you? Was it an unfair fate or something you wished for? The last seconds of a radiant star. A supernova full of hope and dreams. What a beautiful death. Or a black hole made with pain and despair. An unheard scream dieing away.

Why did those people remember you? Why would they build a memorial in their biggest city? To praise your sacrifice? To honor your decision? Or to hide the ugly reality?

So many questions. For a character, the developers only added as a marketing coup. How cruel to hide her away. When I needed those answers.

“He… ey.”

My tongue was heavy. Blood blared through my ears.

“Were you happy… you lived?”

I needed those answers.

But no answer came.

Silence.

Deafening silence.

Inside my meager room. Glowing in the darkness. A beautiful figure was dancing just for me.

Inside a room. Glowing in the darkness. A figure danced.

Inside the darkness. A figure.

Inside the darkness.

Darkness.