Prologue 1: Brother

We all have someone we hate, someone we can't stand. For me, that was my twin brother Jordan.

As far as I could remember, it has always been like that.

My parents hated it, ­saying that twin brothers had to be close,­ but we were so different that it was hard to believe.

Except for our brown eyes and brown hair, we couldn’t be more different.

Our faces didn’t share any similarities. I had thick eyebrows on a plump pale face, while his face was slim and slightly tanned. In addition to that, Jordan was also quite tall and very thin. You could see his bones very clearly while mine were hidden behind a good portion of fat. It's not like I ate more than him, but it seemed that his body wouldn’t build up any excess weight no matter how much he ate.

I hated him for that, but what I hated the most was when our relatives compared us.

For them, I was the fat, stupid brother, while he was the frail, intelligent one. No matter how hard or how much I tried, I could never beat him at anything.

With his intellect, he bested me at everything. I felt nothing but rage and envy for him, so I beat him physically. It was the only thing he couldn’t do, and the only advantage I had over him, so I used it every single day.

My parents grew desperate over time, as they failed to understand the logic of my actions.

This only gave me more reasons to hit him.

After my father died in a car accident, my mother, destroyed by her grief, just gave up on me.

She couldn’t afford to send us to different places so we went to the same high school. Even if I had to go with him, I was happy to be able to start over in a new place, where people wouldn’t judge me, or compare me with him.

But I was wrong.

I made some friends at first, but I quickly left them.

I couldn’t stand the way they always told me that my brother was amazing.

Insinuating that I was inferior to him.

Sure, he was amazing.

He was at the top of the class by a wide margin. He was also never arrogant. On the contrary, he was nice to everyone and was always willing to help others. Some girls even thought he was cute.

Every time I heard praises about him, I clenched my fists to hold back my anger.

Nothing changed.

Everything was the same as before.

I began to work hard once again, and my results were quite good, as I scored in the top ten of my class, yet no one paid any mind to my efforts.

Days passed without my hard work bearing fruit. Therefore, one day, I finally stopped working.

I simply gave up.

I became irritable and was left alone.

I began hanging out with some people who held bad reputations in school. I didn’t like them very much and felt no attachment toward them, but they never tried to compare me with my brother.

And that's all I ever asked.

I was happy with them, but it only lasted for a short time because I couldn’t simply ignore him.

Each time I saw him, I was reminded of my past failures and became ashamed of never managing to beat him at anything.

So, I became violent with him again. Fortunately, my ‘friends’ were useful in helping me make my brother’s life in school a misery without my involvement. I would have never confessed this to anyone, but I felt better each time someone punched or made fun of him.

After a few months my friends got tired of tormenting him, as he never fought back. It was as if he didn’t mind which made me feel terrible. As if waking up from a dream, I slowly realized what I had been doing to him. So, for the first time I understood that I had been wrong and decided to leave him alone.

Our relations improved little by little after that, until that day.

After that day, our relationship couldn't have gotten any worse.

The reason for that was a girl named Trisha.

She was a transfer student. Beautiful, smart, nice, she was perfect. It was love at first sight.

After two weeks, I finally made up my mind and approached her to introduce myself. To my surprise, she showed some interest in me. Over time, we spoke more frequently, until I spent almost all my free time with her.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel inferior to him. If a girl like her was interested in me, then I must not be so ugly or stupid after all. We quickly became friends. I even escorted her home a few times while she also visited my house where she met my mother.

After their meeting, I was so sure of myself, that I decided to ask her out.

It was a Tuesday; the weather was bright, perfect for what I had planned.

I asked her to meet me on the roof of our school. She opened the door with the same smile I immediately loved on lips.

“Hello Thomas, sorry I’m late.”

“No, don’t worry about that”

“Ok, but...”

“What?”

“In fact. There is something I want to ask you.”

Something to ask me?

Don’t tell me, she wants to ask me out?

She was blushing, so I was sure of it.

She continued before I could answer her.

“In fact... I want...”

The silence between each of her words only made my heart beat further in anticipation.

“I want you to introduce me to your brother.”

“Eh?”

I didn't understand immediately what she was saying.

“You wanted to tell me that?”

“Yes... in fact, I like your brother. Sorry for not telling you sooner... I was wondering if you could help me.”

I was speechless.

It was as if a truck had hit me.

I wasn’t able to move or make a single sound. I felt my stomach burning as if I was going to throw up. I gathered my strength to answer her inquisitive gaze.

“S... Sure. I would be glad to.”

“Really! Thank you so much, you’re a true friend!”

She quickly kissed me on the cheek with a bright smile. I would have been overjoyed if she had done that before, but now I didn’t care.

Only one thought kept revolving around my mind.

It was his fault.

“So, why did you call me here?” she finally asked.

“Nothing, don’t worry, it wasn’t important. Well, excuse me, but I have to go.”

I quickly left, without giving her any time to react.

I left the school premises early that day and ran out of the school. I ran down every street as fast as I could, before entering the park. It was only when I couldn’t run anymore that I stopped and lay down on the grass breathing heavily.

I just couldn’t believe it. The first girl that I have ever loved was the same as the others. She didn’t care about me in the slightest. She only cared about him.

Why him?

What was so special about him?

Despair and sorrow seized my heart before it was replaced by hate.

Hate for him.

I had never felt anything like that. My entire body felt like it was burning. Even my hands were shaking. After I finished cooling down, I had already lost track of time. I just stayed motionless on the grass, thinking. It was already dark when I got up and decided to return home.

At 10 pm, I finally arrived at the front door of my house and noticed that a few lights were still on. However, I paid it no mind and entered through the front door. The sound of the door closing behind me alerted my mother who was coming down the stairs to check who had entered the house.

“Thomas! Where have you been? I received a phone call from the school earlier. Why didn’t you go to class this afternoon?”

I ignored the angry voice of my mother. I just stood motionless in front of the door.

As I thought, the noise made him come down.

As soon as I saw his face, my body suddenly moved on its own. I rushed toward him as fast as I could and punched him in the face. He didn’t react at all and fell on the ground of the corridor.

Blood was gushing from his nose but it wasn’t enough. Like a wild beast, I attacked again. I heard the screams of my mother and felt her hands trying to pull me away from him, but as frail as she was, she couldn’t stop me.

I continued to barrage him with heavy punches at every opening I could find. The fight was completely one­-sided because he had never once tried to fight back.

*BAM*

I was struck on the side of my head by something heavy and firm.

As I turned around, I saw that my mother had hit me with a small, decorative statue.

The blow made me dizzy and finally stopped my rampage.

Blood poured from a wound on my head, but my hands were far worse. The beast inside me had finally disappeared only to reveal what I had done.

I started punching him since we were young, but I never went as far as this. His entire face was swollen and covered with blood. That was the only thing I saw before my mother covered him with her body while crying.

I had gone too far.

After this, I understood that things could always become worse.

My brother spent a week in a hospital to heal his horrible wounds.

He was a brilliant student.

Therefore, his absence didn’t go unnoticed and the truth was soon uncovered.

I quickly became the worst trash in school.

I tried to explain my motives to mom and Trisha. I swore to them that I would never try to hurt him again, but it was too late. Their trust in me had already vanished. At home, my mother just ignored me, while the gaze Trish gave me each time we crossed path with each other at school was the only answer I needed to understand her true feelings.

I guess I was lucky that my mother didn’t call the police, after seeing me nearly kill my own brother. I was also lucky that she let me stay in the house.

I knew everything happening to me was my fault, but my hate for him remained.

————————————————————

It had been two years since that accident.

Some people say that all wounds heal with time.

That's a lie.

This kind of wound never heals, we just hide them behind smiles.

I was sure of that each time my mother looked at me.

She would never forget the sight of her son trying to kill his brother, but she tried her best to hide it.

My life continued with those fake smiles and with her eyes full of fear.

We entered our last year of high school.

The last year we would have to spend together.

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, but I was sure I wouldn’t do the same things as him. Therefore, this meant I was probably going to spend my last moments with him.

I would soon be free from his shadow.

I still hated him, but after that day, I never raised my hand against him again. I just ignored him as he did with me. After some time, the other students just avoided me, leaving me alone.

I also gave up on Trisha, as she never spoke to me again after that accident.

Each time I saw her, I felt my heart sink. It wasn’t because I couldn’t be her boyfriend, but because I wasn’t her friend anymore. I didn’t realize it, but the time I spent talking with her was the most precious I had in my life.

I wasted all of it like everything else.

Curiously, she didn’t go out with Jordan. I didn’t understand it, as I knew she asked him out.

Why would anyone refuse to go out with someone as beautiful as her?

I felt a little relieved nevertheless.

I didn’t have any reason to hate him, as everything happening to me was my fault. He also never blamed me for what I did to him.

Our relationship reached the bottom that day, so it could only become better.

We were far from being the best of friends, but we could still talk with each other without bloodshed. We even started working together in a part-time job to help our mother pay the bills.

We decided this together.

It was the first time that we chose to do something together of our own will.

We weren’t even eighteen years old, so the pay wasn’t much in this small construction company. We didn’t have any experience either, but it didn’t matter as our only work was to gather the waste around the site. It was boring and tedious but we didn’t complain.

We spent several months working on the site of a future hospital.

Everything was monotonous in this job, but I found some peace with this kind of work. We worked long hours, probably too long for what we were paid, as on friday afternoon we were often the last ones present.

This friday afternoon wasn't different as nearly all the other workers had left leaving us two alone in a gigantic half-made building.

“We should stop. It’s almost time," I told Jordan with some hope hidden in my voice. I certainly appreciated the manual work, but after such a long day, I was tired nonetheless and longed for a nice, warm shower.

“You’re right, let’s go,” simply replied my brother with his caracteristic voice, a little bit too soft to be easily heard.

I let out a sigh of relief after his answer.

It was a hard day.

After stretching, I realized that even the shower wasn't as appealing as the prospect of getting some rest in my bed.

With this idea in mind, we finally started walking toward the stairs to reach the first floor.

I was the first one going down the stairs still in manufacturing.

Until it happened.

Some people say that everything happens for a reason.

I hope they are wrong.

I don’t want any hidden meaning behind this.

However, if they are right then what was the reason for this to happen?

Bad luck?

Punishment for what I did?

I don’t know, but what I’m sure of is that it happened in a flash.

I didn’t notice where I was walking, but felt my right foot slip on something before sensing my entire body falling to the right.

It wouldn’t be a big deal if we were on the ground, but we weren’t.

I didn’t roll down the stairs, as I would’ve preferred.

Instead, I fell into the void, something that wouldn’t have been possible if the stairs were finished with a banister.

While I was falling, I felt my right arm being pulled.

It was Jordan.

He reflexively caught my arm in the hope of trying to stop me from falling, but he wasn’t strong enough so he fell with me.

*Boom*

My entire body was in pain while I tasted blood in my mouth. It took me several seconds to realize what had just happened.

“I’m lucky it was only the first floor.”

I sat down on the concrete floor while wiping the blood coming from my mouth.

“Tho....mas”

The voice of Jordan suddenly came from my left even softer than before. It always had a way of getting on my nerves as I hated to have to concentrate to hear what he had to say.

However, aware of what he had tried to do, I didn't comment on this.

With the thought of wanting to thank him for trying to save me, I turned my head to look at him and felt my heart stop in my chest.

He was on his back breathless

However, he didn’t fall on the flat surface of the floor like me.

Several steel tips were protruding from his stomach.

“Jordan!!!” I yelled terrified.

I quickly got up despite the dizziness I was feeling and covered the distance separating us in a few seconds before kneeling beside him.

I didn’t know what to do.

I couldn’t think straight anymore.

“Help!!!” I screamed as loudly as I could with a hint of despair in my voice.

After some time, I finally heard voices coming our way, but the tears flowing freely from my eyes against my will wouldn't stop. I never felt anything like that, never felt so much terror as I watched the pool of blood around his motionless body slowly getting larger. My whole body was shaking as sat next to his body, while a sharp pain suddenly shot through me and prevented my cold hands from immediately grasping his. I was certainly wounded by the fall, but I didn't care in this moment.

I clenched my teeth and ignored the burning pain from my entrails and my own blood mixing with his drop after drop.

“Don’t worry, help is coming. Everything will be alright.” I said, trying to reassure him.

However, the more I spoke, the more I understood that I was only trying to reassure myself.

“Thomas... I’m scared.” he replied with a weak, almost inaudible voice. I never desired for him to speak louder than in this instant, terrorized beside him.

“Don’t be scared, help is coming.”

His face grewing paler every second prevented me from thinking clearly.

I was totally lost.

It was as if I was in a nightmare, ready to wake up at any moment.

However, I didn’t wake up.

After the initial shock had passed, my mind became clearer. But all that remained inside my head, as the voices of men running toward us became louder, was terror and questions.

“Why did you try to save me?” I suddenly asked almost reproachfully.

I couldn’t understand why he tried to help me after everything I did to him.

For the first time since his fall, in fact for the first time in a very long time in front of me, a small smile appeared on his face.

“Because you’re my brother," he simply replied in a voice clearer than before.

A voice similar to a flame, that burns stronger before it goes out.

I heard footsteps coming toward me, but it was already too late.

His body had already gone limp in a pool of our mixed blood.

—————————————————————————

I couldn't remember what happened after that.

Actually, I did remember, but I didn’t care.

I didn’t pay any mind to the men asking me what happened. I just stood petrified next to my brother before a police officer forced me to leave.

I didn't answer anyone.

I just kept staring in front of me while remembering his last smile and final words.

I was taken in that state to the hospital.

It took me a few hours before I was able to explain what happened. I told them everything I could remember as fast as I could, trying to chase this unwanted memory from my mind.

Later, I learned that there was a camera on the site that confirmed my version.

Before this video came out, a few officers aware of my bad reputation in our small town, strongly suggested that I had pushed him. I didn't deny them and didn't grace them with any answer either.

After their leave, I spent several hours alone before hearing a horrendous scream. It was the screams of my mother, coming from the corridor after learning about his death.

I think that scream will haunt me for the rest of my life.

—————————————————————————

The news of my brother’s death quickly spread around the neighborhood.

Some people cried while others blamed me. A few days later, Trisha even came to the hospital room to hear what happened that day.

I tried to explain to her that it was an accident, but she didn’t believe me, certain that I was responsible for his death.

That was the last time I heard her voice.

I knew that she was just trying to find out who was responsible for Jordan’s death, and didn't blame her for her words as I knew her grief was speaking for her, but it still hurt.

I spent the next few days in the hospital before returning home.

My mother didn’t try to speak to me about what happened. I don’t think she could have. She was probably afraid of what I had to say. The memory of the day I beat him half to death was still in her mind.

With something like that between us, the atmosphere in the house quickly became unbearable.

Even after the funerals, the situation only got worse.

My entire school was sure that I had killed him, something I quickly understood when I tried to go back there. A single day was enough to make me understand that I wasn’t welcome and will never be anymore.

I couldn’t stand staying in the house with my mother either, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

I was trapped.

The void that Jordan had left was just too great.

I spent my entire life hating him and wishing that he would soon disappear from my life, but the day it happened, I finally realized my true feelings.

No matter how much I tried to hate him, I couldn’t.

For one simple reason.

He was my brother.

From the beginning, my mother was right: a brother is sacred.

After some time, I overcame the sadness of his death only to be assaulted by a guilt devouring my insides.

No matter how much I tried persuading myself that it was an accident, I knew that I was responsible. Not responsible for the fall, but for the years of suffering he endured.

In my mind, it was as if I had killed him myself.

The unfair and false constant accusations from everyone around me slowly became justified in my mind.

I might have been able to face my guilt, but I was weak.

So, after finally turning eighteen, I escaped.

I didn’t commit suicide.

I simply left.

I took a one-way plane, trying to escape this reality and my guilt.