It's only the middle of the day, but it feels like I've been working for an entire week. I yawn and sigh, this project will be the death of me. In hindsight, I shouldn't have accepted a job at this accounting firm. There was a reason why other consultants avoided this gig like the plague despite the well-above-average pay.

To put it simply, it makes me want to jump off the roof.

Maintaining legacy code is never a pleasant experience, but it isn't supposed to be this bad. Saying that the entire codebase of the firm is cobbled together would be an understatement. I should have run away when the IT department manager gave me a list of random programs to install to make their shitty software work.

That was a major red flag. The shrug I got as an answer when I asked why on Earth would I need to download outdated garbage from the early 2000s and random text editors was an even bigger one.

But greed will be the death of me. I naively thought that I could do it, that it couldn't be so bad.

I probably deserve to be called 'Ian the Idiot' for that.

It's been a month since I first started working here, and I only added a new entry to a drop-down menu. It may sound like I'm a lazy fuck and that I'm not doing anything…

But the trials and tribulations of Ian, the Punished Consultant, have only begun.

First of all, I had to locate the file where the entries of the menu are located. Easier said than done because all the fucking files are named with random characters. After that herculean task, which wasted two days of my life, I had to modify the file itself.

That's when the world ended.

I might be overreacting, but adding just one more entry to that menu from hell created a one Gigabyte error log.

That's the equivalent of two hundred million words.

I then had to dig through random configuration files to add random numbers for seemingly no reason, I had to shuffle around with-

"Hey, what's up? Why do you look so gloomy?" a familiar voice interrupts my mental rant. It's Greg, the manager of the IT department. The gray-haired pudgy middle-aged man wearing a cheap blue suit is holding two mugs of coffee, so I grab one before drinking the contents of the cup in one gulp.

I do not care if my throat is burning. If I'm lucky, it'll kill me on the spot and free me from this hell called 'Jacobs and Sons Accounting.'

"Is it that bad?" the clueless manager asks with a worried glance. I almost want to tell him that I want to sacrifice the entire office to a demon in exchange for a proper debugging log, but he might think I'm serious.

"I'm seriously considering immolating myself to not deal with this garbage anymore," I reply with a wry smile before focusing on my grueling task.

"The last meeting with the higher-ups wasn't good, they are considering firing you," Greg says with his usual nasal voice.

Good fucking lord, I know the man is an idiot who doesn't mean any harm, but his voice is so fucking annoying! If I didn't know better, I would think that he was blessed by the god of annoyance. He swears that he doesn't do it on purpose, but how can a man sound like Kermit the frog with a cold after he huffed an entire tank of helium?

"Please let them know that I'm willing to help them in this endeavor in any way I can," I answer the manager. At least I'll get severance pay if they fire me, and nobody would care about that blemish on my record. I'm on the verge of quitting anyway.

Greg sighs, "Enough with the jokes, you know I can't cover for you forever."

If only he knew that I wasn't joking. I'm this fucking close to dancing naked in the middle of the office just to be fired faster.

"Alright, thank you for your efforts," I say with enough sarcasm to make even the densest person understand my predicament.

However, Greg must be the Chosen Idiot since he doesn't notice and goes back to doing whatever he does in this office. How this man has survived for so long escapes me.

I adjust my short black hair and sigh, at least I may have found a way to fix my latest problem.

The program I found is called MERTICORE. Not the most idiotic name I've heard, believe me.

It boasts an impressive list of features, at least according to the description on the website. It even has its own scripting language called MERTCORE_API.

Technically, it could solve the compatibility issues I've been having since this morning. I'm not so sure since I can't find any reference to MERTICORE anywhere else on the Internet. But that's expected since my problem is so obscure. I download everything on my laptop in an instant. The download includes the documentation, but I can't be bothered to find it in my files. I check the website to-

What the fuck?

I stare at my screen with a raised eyebrow, the website is down for some unknown reason. I'm still connected to the Wi-Fi network, and other websites are working fine. I bet my download has crashed the site since it probably hasn't been used before.

Anyway, back to work. I check the documentation, which is surprisingly massive, and find a particular way to fix my issue. MERTICORE has an automated bug finder that I can use. I snort. They usually don't work very well, but I'm not that concerned about efficiency nowadays.

I launch the script and select the monstrosity in digital form that is the in-house software of this accounting firm and click the launch button. It completes a few seconds later and opens its text editor to show me the generated script.

To my surprise, it only has one line. It starts with 'MERTCORE.Debug' and there are hundreds of parameters after that. I recognize some filenames from the software I was hired to upgrade, but there's a bunch of unknown functions and weird strings in there.

At this point, what could go wrong?

I click the run button, and my laptop turns into a jet engine for a few moments before calming down. The text editor then informs me that the 'cleaned' version of the program has been created, so I launch it out of morbid curiosity.

My computer might explode, but I don't care. At least it'll give me an excuse to leave early.

Time seems to slow down as the program launches in a second, a far cry from the ten minutes it usually takes. I can't help but snicker, maybe this thing is better than I first thought?

"It must be a fluke," I mutter under my breath.

My jaw drops when I make that forsaken menu appear. Here it is, my new entry in all its beauty. The word 'poop', which was the title of the menu I added for testing purposes, never appeared so glorious to me. The bright blue text stares at me, and I stare at this digital miracle with a dumbfounded expression.

A notification appearing at the corner of my screen takes me out of my stupor.

***Do you want to install MERTICORE Manager on this device? Y/N***

I click the 'Yes' button, and my computer shuts down in the next moment. I refrain from shouting just as it reboots in less than a second.

That was way faster than usual, but-

The usual logo that appears at the start of the computer is nowhere to be seen. Instead, green letters that spell 'MERTICORE' appear before the desktop appears.

Did I get fooled by a virus? I check to see if all my files are still there. To my relief, they are. But all my other programs are gone. Instead, there's only the MERTICORE text editor and the MERTICORE Manager as well as the upgraded program I made. The desktop background has also been changed to a green stylized 'M.'

How is this even possible? Just installing a single program shouldn't have this effect, it's like I'm on another operating system. Logic should dictate that I get rid of this MERTICORE business and reinstall everything properly. This thing looks and acts like a virus. But it did fix my problems, and I kind of want to see what this MERTICORE Manager does.

I have a backup of all my files, and I can always reinstall everything if it needs to be... Fuck it, let's see what it is.

I click on the icon of the MERTICORE Manager, which is a pixelated and green version of the letter 'M', and a new tab appears. At first glance, it looks like an app store.

However, I can't recognize most of the available apps. A sudden pop-up appears and almost makes me fall off my chair. A few of my co-workers glance at me with a raised eyebrow before focusing back on whatever they were doing before.

If I had to guess, they are probably browsing social media instead of working.

Somehow, I feel like I've just understood how the situation got as bad as it is.

I read the text of the pop-up with narrowed eyes.

***MERTICORE Integration at 50%. Integrate Hardware? Y/N (Warning: May cause flashing lights and loud noises. User discretion is advised) ***

What's this nonsense again? Integrating Hardware? What does that even mean? I sigh and close my laptop before grabbing it under my arm. I'm too curious not to try it, so I walk to the elevator and select the underground parking lot. This MERTICORE business is too weird to pass up. I don't care if this is an elaborate scheme to melt my computer. This laptop is cheap, and I can always buy another one if I need to.

The elevator goes down. I'm the only one in there, and the only noise I hear my pounding heart. What if this is an elaborate ploy? What if the battery of my computer explodes? Having hot metal bits embedded into my face doesn't sound like an ideal situation. Should I go back and pretend that everything is normal?

I hesitate for one second before shaking my head. This is the most exciting thing that has happened in my life in years; I'm not going to let my paranoia ruin everything again. This will be worth it, even if it's an elaborate prank or bizarre ransomware. I head to my car, a black Toyota Corolla that has seen better days, and sit inside before closing the door.

My eyes are fixated on the white computer on my lap. What will happen? What can happen? I'm not expecting something magical, that's impossible.

I open the laptop and take a deep breath before pressing the 'yes' button. It immediately closes itself and starts to rumble. It heats up and glows green. I gulp, I knew it was a bad idea! This thing is going to fucking explode and-

The glow subsides in the next moment.

My jaw drops at the sight since the laptop is unrecognizable. The cheap plastic shell has been replaced by brushed aluminum. The device itself feels like it only weighs a few grams, and it's somehow thinner. There's also a couple of pulsating green lines on the back of the screen shaped like the letter M.

"Fuck," I mutter as I look out of the window of my car. What did I get myself into? This is too ridiculous to be real. I make a wry smile after the realization hits me. I'm dreaming, aren't I?

...I just pinched myself, and it does hurt quite a bit.

This is reality, a reality where I somehow got hold of a mysterious program. A program that just transformed my laptop in front of my eyes.

Great, fucking great.

I open the laptop. The keyboard and screen also look like they were upgraded. The device starts on its own, this is even faster than last time. A window quickly appears on the screen.

***MERTICORE Integration complete. The user has been registered. Welcome to MERTICORE, Ian Jones. ***

My eyes widen. How does this thing know my name? This has to be a prank. I bet a co-worker organized this bullshit. Fuck, it might even be Greg. The culprits are usually the ones that you suspect the least, and Greg is at the top of my list of harmless people.

Could this be magical? I'm not one to believe in such nonsense, but some YouTube videos looked very convincing.

Let's stop musing about all this magic nonsense. I'm a rational man, even in the face of irrationality.

Instead, let's focus on what's displayed on the screen of my newly-upgraded computer. I run a quick performance check to see if this 'upgrade' was only visual.

Boy, was I wrong. The internal components also received a serious upgrade. My wimpy four cores processor has been transformed into a ridiculous ten thousand cores chip. My disk space is now displayed in powers of ten rather than a regular number. The battery life is also showing an infinity symbol.

"How is this even possible?" I say to no one in particular as I stare at the impossible machine in front of me.

The infinite battery has to be because of a bug, but what baffles me is the disk space. No technology I know of is capable of such a ridiculous storage space. For crying out loud, I don't even know how that massive number is called! The processor is also ridiculous beyond measures. I probably hold more computing power in my hands than most nations have at their disposal.

This can't possibly get more ridiculous, I-

***¨Phase 1 of Hardware integration has been completed successfully. To ensure future compatibility, Phase 2 will now start. ***

A bright flash of light jumps from the screen and smashes into my face.