I would love to say that I made some sort of witty joke, as I plummeted towards the alien planet in my recently see through, shaking apart, metal box of death. I'd even settle for a cheesy film quote or some lyrics from an appropriate song, but if I said I had, I would be lying.

If anything, instead of the stoic image of masculinity laughing in the face of his own demise I wished myself to be, I am pretty sure the only thing keeping whatever dignity I had left was the fact that I couldn't open my mouth to scream. It would probably sound like a child having a fit after finding out Christmas was not only cancelled, but they were indirectly responsible for killing Santa after mowing down the easter bunnies family with an SUV while being chased by Freddy Krueger.

In layman's terms, I was shitting a brick.

Thankfully, the terror of finding myself free falling from a height reserved for celestial beings, long term drug addicts or the occasional satellite was short lived, pretty much like the remaining moments of my life, and my brain started to work again. Or at least it tried, I am pretty sure it was either stuck on immature mode, or I was having a nervous breakdown. Maybe both.

Deciding that praying to a god now was pretty pointless, and my backup plan of getting baptised on my deathbed wasn't feasible, I mean, where do you find a falling priest, my mind calmed as I came to the only logical conclusion available.

If this wasn't a dream, then I was going to die regardless of what the voice indicated.

Ignoring the fact of disembodied voices, what I can only assume to be a space ship, a red moon and two earth like planets, there was no way in hell I was going to survive this. And I was only ignoring those points as I was drowning in a sea of questions and what the fucks already.

The rest was simple physics. Squishy human travelling at idiotic speeds typically reserved for comets, meeting an immovable object which, in this case, was a god damned planet.

My options were pretty much nil, and by pretty much, I mean none existent. I was always told I had a thick skull, but I don't think that would save me here.

FML seven ways from Sunday, stick a fork in me, I'm done. Game over man, game freaking over.

-"Least it will be quick. With any luck, I will hit something that deserves it."

Morbid thoughts I know, but it made me feel a little better. Not the fact of hitting some innocent in a warped sense of taking someone with me, but that my end would be quick.

Plus how likely was it that I was going to hit someone that deserved a small headache? Lifes not that helpful, especially to me. My current predicament a good indicator on how things generally go. Well, this case is a bit extreme but along the right lines.

Only moments have passed since I started distracting myself with the thought of crash landing into some arsehole who deserves it, ideally someone in charge of kidnapping extraterrestrials and dropping them from space when raging flames explode around me.

The blinding flames don't last long before dissipating and allowing me to get a good look at my soon to be killer. -"Looks like I have broke orbit. "

No longer able to see the other moon or planet, my vision is now filled with a scene that looks eerily like a child's playmate. Instead of Godzilla sized cows and a farmer you would immediately lock up and throw away the key, small clusters of dark green litter the ocean of sprawling light green. Browny-grey and white lumps, which I assumed to be mountains are to my left and right, quickly gaining shape due to my rapid descent.

-"Those must be some really tall mountains. That or my times up."

It surprises me how calm I am taking my imminent demise. Maybe I was more messed up than I thought, or maybe my abductees brain manipulation was just that good. It also could have been that I had just accepted that instead of a blinding light at the end of the tunnel, I was going to be making my own. A direct line to hell.

I try to sigh, forgetting my useless body is in league with my enemies and unable to respond. -"I hope this isn't the universes way for killing me for my crappy sense of humour. I mean, maybe I should have paid attention to the view or had some deep and meaningful thoughts. That's what normal people would do, right?"

Without warning, not that I would have been any better prepared in my current state, my soon to be flat coffin rapidly fills with a thick, blue liquid, giving me just enough time to hold my breath before I am submerged and start to slowly bob up and down.

Not being able to do anything and still suffering from that surreal state of mind where I can think and panic at the same time, I can only curse everyone and everything I have ever known, seen or heard about before realising, I was dead anyway so what did it matter.

-"Yay, limited time offer. Down then splat or splat while drowning. Classy. Wonder if someone is going to double tap whatever remains of my corpse or if they will nuke me from orbit, you know just to be sure they fucking killed me. I'm not a fucking Terminator. A simple shot to the head or a gentle stab would have been enough."

Anger swells in my gut, but I know it's pointless. I resist the urge to breathe for as long as possible but, unless I grew gills, I wasn't winning this battle. It wasn't long before I was forced to breathe in the cold, foul tasting liquid.

Giving a mental flip of ye old middle finger to whatever entity was getting a jolly out of this, I had just about resigned myself for death when what felt like an explosion shook my insides. My vision dimmed, gradually turning black as pain flared through my body. My last thoughts were, how on Earth, or not for this matter, was I still thinking if I had just hit a planet?

-"Damn trolling brain. Can't even let me die in peace."