I couldn’t even count how many times I’d stood in this room full of washed-out colors and smelling strongly of serializer. Thousands. Tens of thousands. Every other day since I was ten until I became a Hunter, then it went down to once a week or once a month at my most desperate. The first time this room changed was a month ago, when one of the four women Mom shared her room with passed away.

Now it had changed again. But in a way I never thought possible.

I didn’t even know what I felt as I stared down at Aliya in the white bed. Numb. If I had to pick a feeling, that was it. So shocked, scared, horrified, grieved, that it all jumbled into one colorless emotion that settled over me, chasing away everything else.

It didn’t seem real. Like an illusion caused by the most horrible monster ever. That couldn’t be my sister with her hair smoothed over the white hospital pillow. Her eyes were closed, face slack and peaceful, as if she was just asleep. As if at any second, she’d open her eyes and scream, “JK!”

But that was only if you overlooked the breathing mask that covered most of her face. The IV drip that was tapped on her hand. The wrinkle in the cover where the feeding tube lay on her stomach. Her information sprawled across a whiteboard hanging over her bed. The constant beeping machines she was attached to, slightly off beat from Mom’s just one bed over.

My vivacious sister, who hugged me so tightly the morning I left for Las Vegas, was just like all the other Sleepers I’d seen my whole life.

My knees nearly gave out. I subconsciously took a step back, away from the terrible sight, as I forced my body to stabilize.

Uncle Mark, who stood with my aunt next to me, reached out and rested a hand on my shoulder. In the short time I’d been gone, he looked like he’d aged ten years. Puffy black bags rimmed his tired, red eyes. His skin was sunken and the gray was more prevalent in his unkempt hair. His hand on my shoulder trembled, his bony wrist sticking out of his winter coat.

“Your aunt and I were at work when the Gate Surge happened. We were scared, but when we heard where the path of destruction was, we thought it was okay. Aliya,” his voice choked. He stopped, swallowed hard, then kept talking in a shaking voice. “Aliya was at a friend’s house studying for a test, not far from home. When your aunt called, she said she was okay. By the time we got home, it was dark. Since the lights were off, we assumed she was staying at the friend’s house, but she wasn’t there when we called. She’d left before dinner. After searching other neighboring houses for a while, we found her unconscious on the little walkway on the side of our apartment.”

Aunt Mina, who looked just as aged and neglected, gasped out a sob. “... ’ya … Aliya …” How long has she been crying like this? From how raw her voice sounded, a long time.

Uncle Mark kept talking, his voice cracking. “She’s okay, just unconscious. A … Sleeper.” Water pooled in his eyes.

I stared at him, processing what he said and not at the same time. I should be crying too. I understood that, and some tiny part of me felt guilty that I wasn’t. I just couldn’t feel enough yet. Maybe that was a good thing, I thought, staring at my broken aunt and uncle. I needed to be strong. For them.

Yet, I could feel something inside me starting to crumble under the weight of this room.

That future, that dream I’d been doggedly striving for. The one thing that’d always kept me going. It was me and my sister as Hunters, killing off the last of the monsters that remained after the parasitic planet was dead. It was being able to go home and see my mom smiling as she finished making a family dinner, with Kesstel on his way. It was knowing my aunt and uncle were not far away, enjoying their own quiet evening.

A future where my family got together, laughing and loving. All of us healthy and whole. No fear of dying at any second. No stress about money. No confinement to a hospital bed. No …

Nothing. There was nothing now. That dream was gone.

I only had one antidote to the Sleeper disease. And there were two beds with my loved ones in front of me.

I gripped my hip satchel, as my breathing came faster. No, calm down. I had to stay calm. Sleepers were people who couldn’t handle the magic that spilled out of the Gates. My magic was different, but I couldn’t take the chance. There was still a desperate hope that Aliya would simply wake up, if the magic pollution went away. I couldn’t make it worse now.

I turned to the door a second before a knock sounded. I wasn’t surprised when a doctor walked into the room and shut the door. I could never remember his name, but I recognized his gait as his soft-soled shoes slapped the hall floor. He looked at the three of us, a concerned and polite expression on his thin face. “I’m glad everyone is here now. I have a couple questions, especially for Miss Devhro.”

“In the last two days,” the doctor started in an even, though exhausted voice. “Along with all the injured patients from the Gate Surge, there has been a sudden large influx of Sleeper victims. In fact, the numbers for both afflictions are almost equal.”

I jerked in shock. My hand drifted until I touched the back of Aliya’s still hand.

“The numbers are so high, frankly put, we don’t have the space or amount of equipment to handle them all. We’ve even contacted instacares and doctors’ offices to board the ones we can’t fit.” He motioned to the bed behind us. “Because you have a contract with the Hunters’ Association, Mrs. Devhro will be kept until the contract runs out in four months. All requests for extensions are being denied. We have to make room for the new victims that still have a chance to wake up. You can attempt to transfer her, like what we talked about before. But I must warn you, the sudden influx in Sleepers was not an isolated incident. Hospitals all over the world are suffering from the same circumstances we are.” His words were even and slow, as if he’d rehearsed this speech a hundred times. Given the situation, he probably had.

My body went cold. I could feel mist bubbling up inside me, reacting as the dull blanket over my emotions started to shed away, piece by piece. A sharp spike of grief washed over my body. I pulled my fingers away from Aliya’s hand to prevent myself from accidentally hurting her.

The doctor reached into the pocket of his white coat and pulled out a sealed petri dish. A familiar, red, fish-scaled bracelet rattled inside as he held it up. Light caught on the scales, flashing a fiery opalescent ripple.

I frowned at it and subconsciously touched the matching bracelet on my own wrist.

“As we processed all the recent Sleeper victims, we noticed a pattern. Ninety-two percent of them were wearing an item that emitted magic waves.” The doctor motioned to the bracelet. “Young Miss Devhro was wearing this when she came into the hospital. Although the magic coming from this is very weak, there is still magic on it.” He pointedly looked at my wrist. “We have concluded that it is made with Fanged Snapper scales. Do you know where she got it from?”

My body started to tremble as I understood. “I-I gave it … to her.” My voice broke as horror flooded my mind.

Aunt Mina gave a great sob and sank to the ground, pulling Uncle Mark down with her.

Their noises were just muffled sounds in the background of the panic that dominated my thoughts.

I gave it to her. I personally made the item that helped my sister fall unconscious.

I didn’t even think anything of it. I was just so happy to give her something nice. It was our little secret: matching charms, proof that things were going in the right direction. And when she became a Hunter, and came to Eden, I was going to give her a better gift. Make her life better.

I didn’t know it was dangerous for her. I didn’t know it was the parasitic planet’s magic that caused Sleepers. And when I found out, I didn’t even think about the bracelet I’d made for my sister a month prior. It shouldn’t have mattered anyway, since she was going to become a Hunter. And it was the parasite’s magic that made Hunters. Aliya always sounded so sure she was going to be Hunter, she was even counting down the weeks until she became one. I just assumed she was going to be one too.

I never thought … I’d spent my whole life trying my best, bleeding blood and sweat, to make sure my sister was happy. I never thought that I would be the reason my most precious person would be dying.

My knees nearly gave out and I tipped back toward Aliya’s bed. My eyes widened in horror. No, what right did I have to stand by or even touch her? My bracelet, my hip satchel, and the pendant from my birthday were made with the parasite’s magic. What if I hurt her more by being here? What about Mom? Was I making it worse for her too?

In a flash, I moved to the other side of the room, as far as I could from the people on the bed. I gripped the pendant hanging around my neck as I pressed my back against the wall. My eyes were wide, breath coming short and fast. Mist pooled around my feet, threatening to break out and flood the city.

No, I couldn’t let that happen here. Control. I needed control. I was stronger than this. I had to be stronger. Strong enough to control my emotions. Strong enough to protect my loved ones.

But I was the one that put her in the bed.

No, Goddess said softly in my mind. It’s the thick magic in the air from the Gate Surge.

But she’s worn that bracelet on her skin for months, like a slow poison, I thought back. If she hadn’t, she might have been strong enough to withstand the magic.

Goddess didn’t argue back to me. After all, the facts were undeniable.

Aunt Mina suddenly clutched her chest and started to gasp for air.

“Mina!” Uncle Mark grabbed his wife, in shock.

The doctor rushed over and dropped to his knees in front of her, as he pulled out a walkie talkie and started to order for assistance.

I flinched back, pressing harder against the wall, trying to get away from the people who were my world. “No, I didn’t hurt her.” My voice trembled. “I swear, I didn’t.”

My family was already so broken. How were we going to recover from this? What if they broke more than this? With all this going on, how were my aunt and uncle going to handle their physical and mental challenges? Even if the parasite went away, how was anything going to go back to the way it was?

Uncle Mark was talking fast to the doctor. “... another anxiety attack.” He paused and looked up at me as a horde of nurses entered the room and swarmed Aunt Mina. “It’s going to be okay, Jyn. Calm down.” For a second, he looked like the strong man who raised me. The one who, when Mom became shut in this room, stepped up and tried his best to give his nieces a happy childhood. “Your Aunt Mina, me, your mom and sister, we are going to be okay,” he said over the nurses talking. “Why don’t you step out and calm down? I’ll call you later and we can talk more.”

My chin shook and I bit my lips hard to make it stop. I looked at Aunt Mina, watching as her breathing started to slow and she started to respond to the group of medical personnel around her. I wanted to go closer, but I was too scared. What if I hurt them? I could already feel my control of my power slipping with each wave of terrified guilt that crashed over me.

Without a word, I Merged with the mist at my feet. The people gasped and screamed in shock as I dissolved into ‘smoke’ right in front of them. It just made me feel worse. Like a monster. I fled out the door, the thin water vapor slipped over the heads of the people, and down the hall to the closest open window.

The air was thick with magic pollution. It fizzled and rejected the mist that housed my essence as much as I rejected it. Desperately, I looked around. I didn’t know where to go. The E hostel was flattened. It felt wrong to go to my family's apartment when they were all here. But I couldn’t stay in the hospital.

And most of it was my fault.

My chaotic emotions sparked my magic like a bomb. The mist I was in expanded, forming a huge, thick cloud. Desperate to get away from the hospital, I lifted higher in the air until the mist could spread across the sky without touching the building.

My body condensed inside until I knelt in the air, with my face buried in my hands. The cool water vapor drifted around me, gently brushing against me in soothing strokes. I knew it was Goddess trying to console me, but I didn’t respond.

All I could do was curl into a ball, tightening every muscle. My eyes burned like they were full of lava, but I refused to let the tears fall.

Even Goddess’s voice was muffled as she talked to me. I couldn’t seem to understand what she was saying.

“Jyn?” Kesstel’s voice broke through the thick shell that I encased over me.

My eyes cracked open as I instinctively responded to his voice.

“Jyn, let me in.” His voice sounded so smooth, so gentle. Like an anchor in the storm that raged in my mind and heart.

Slowly, my hands fell away from my face.

He stood on the top of the hospital, staring up at the tightly shut mist ball around me. He could break it open if he wanted to. Instead, he stood there in jeans and a button-up shirt, waiting for me to respond to him. Just like always. So patient, so steady.

How did he know that I needed him right now? No matter what or where, he always knew when I needed him most. He’d protect me from everything. Even these emotions that smothered my reason. I was safe as long as he was there. I didn’t have to hold in my emotions. I couldn’t hurt him or cause him to leave me.

My hand trembled as I reached out to him.

He jumped up and skillfully passed through the barrier that I opened for him. He knelt on the mist block I was on and reached for me.

I leaned into his chest and clutched his shirt at his sides. As soon as he touched me, all the tense fear and self-hatred dissolved, leaving bone-aching, weary grief.

He didn’t try to ask what was going on or hound me with words. He simply held me close, like I was a glass figurine he desperately wanted to protect. Right now, I didn’t want words. I just needed him to be here.

My eyes closed as I listened to his steady heart. It was reassuring, but it also reminded me of the two beeping machines in the hospital room below. The ones that controlled my mother’s and sister’s lives.

My eyes cracked open as my hands tightened on the soft cotton in my fingers. “I know …”

Kesstel bowed his head over me, waiting for me to continue.

“I know I have to be strong.” My voice cracked. “But … can I take a break?” My voice hitched, forcing me to swallow hard before I continued my slow, thick words. “I’ll be strong again tomorrow. Strong enough to fix everything that’s wrong. I promise. But right now … I’m so tired.”

So tired of the emotional rollercoaster. So tired of keeping all my emotions bottled inside. So tired of fighting. So tired of trying so hard only to watch everything fall apart again.

Kesstel’s lips pressed into my hair. “Go ahead. I’ve got you as long as it takes. Until you’re ready to stand on your own again.”

The tears burning in my eyes spilled over and seared a trail down my cheeks until they were soaked into Kesstel’s shirt. I never knew I needed this permission. But as soon as I heard it, it was like a ten-ton stone was lifted off my shoulders.

All the emotions from years of trying to be strong rained from my eyes. Tears from when my mom fell unconscious. From watching my aunt and uncle ruin their health for my sake. The disappointment of being the weakest Hunter in history. The pain and fear as I struggled to survive. The relief of finally turning my life around only to watch that hope shatter into pieces. And knowing I accidentally had a hand in it.

The horrible realization that I was going to have to choose to save either my mother or my sister. No matter what I chose, one was going to stay in that hospital room. And if Earth collapsed too soon, the first to die would be the Sleeper I left behind.

The more I cried, the tighter I held Kesstel. Held onto my harbor in this gale of emotions.

All the while, he cradled me in his arms and pressed soothing kisses to my hair.

*****