My hand may be hot but, to me, her stomach's flesh is cool and firm but soft to the point where it fully occupies my mind to wonder how she could be so insanely pleasing to caress.

Leomi shivers under my touch and further relaxes, yet not so much that I could consider us past the wall keeping us apart. Her nails once more poke through my clothes to stab into my skin.

I stop my hand from exploring further south her body. It went by itself, I swear. Who are you trying to fool? Me! A mad giggle shakes my throat as we savor Leomi. Neither love nor her body, although both are worth insanity, but her very being with all its imperfections.

“Why this conversation?” Leomi asks gently, entirely unshaken by my lunacy.

“Because we have trust issues.” I reply easily.

Leomi makes a slight nod. I then feel my hair being pulled and realize she caught one of my braids in her lips. I experience more pulls to my scalp and realize a few moments later that she's gnawing on my hair.

“How do you still love this wreck?” I question.

Leomi keeps her silence, apparently thinking hard about her answer. She's right in that what we don't need is to force things. It would work for us to tear each other's clothes apart and get past the block keeping us apart with an extended session of brutal sex, it would work in an utterly unhealthy way.

Yet, our problems are very different. She's reeling from my revenge while my main issue is rooted in my perception of her perception of my body. After all, I found a way to trust her again. While I still dread her betrayal, I've also accepted and welcome the fact that... we should tell her this.

“You've said you would never betray me.” I speak up. “Before telling me you would.” I belatedly add with a chuckle.

“It's not, I...” Leomi chokes on her words, apparently taking mine as an accusation. I give her a moment to get herself together. “I do not want to but you would take it as such if... when I act against your will to save your life.” She explains.

“Indeed.” I chortle. “But you shouldn't worry too much about that, kitten.” I tell her.

“Why?” Leomi whispers with a tiny voice.

“I experience betrayal when you're late, when you glance away from me, when you're not holding my hand, when you let go of my hand, when you don't grasp my hand so hard it breaks, when you look at me but not at me, when everything is perfect but I feel paranoiac...” I pause as I feel Leomi's slender index on my lips. She likely figured out I could keep going for hours on end, growing more and more agitated.

“You dare to say it is betrayal after you told me of cheating on us?!” Leomi explodes. Ah, she's the one whose temper was reaching its limits.

“It feels like it, no matter how unjustified.” I reply stubbornly.

Leomi makes an angry scoff but squeezes me affectionately. Another unexpected loving reaction when I expected her to be thrown in a rage, but then again I wasn't provoking her this time.

I extend my hand out and dismantle the fire construct, extinguishing the vast majority of the light in the room to turn it to darkness and show her my glowing irises in order to give me no choice but to press on.

“So, answer me.” I continue. “How can you love my eyes that glow like a beast's, my innumerable jagged scars, my belly's shredded skin.” My words and sentence structure suffer almost as much as my state of mind does from listing my defects. “My abnormal lack of an arm, my asymmetrical ugly chest, my botched flesh where a shoulder should be. Kh.”

Leomi starts choking me with the arm she set around my neck. Yet, far from angering or frightening me, her action serves to still the growing abyss of anguish in my stomach.

“You're disparaging a body that belongs to me. Do not do that.” She fiercely orders.

She releases me after a few seconds. I feel her shifting on my lap as I take a full breath of air. She suddenly pulls her arm away and seizes a handful of my braids. She secures my hair in her firm grip and uses them to jerk my head back to the point where my stretched throat throbs painfully and the chair squeaks.

Leomi stares at me, her intoxicating face held above mine. I notice the sharp traits that I fell in love with at first sight, the contemplative expression which exposes her uncanny mind, and the expressive light gray eyes that I could never fully decipher because of the seemingly contradicting loving sadism held within.

These characteristics are a mere few from a multitude that makes Leomi who she is and allows her to obliterate the thick darkness shrouding my heart with merely this small gesture. Perhaps none of it exists, it might all be born of my madness, but the truth doesn't matter because she couldn't be more real to me.

“You do not need to like your body...” Leomi's voice trails off and even contains a touch of awkwardness that clashes with the forceful way she's bending my neck back, fully exposing my throat. “It's for me to enjoy.” She finishes.

It puzzles me that she seems somewhat unwilling to reiterate her declaration that the state I'm in excites her, in spite of me asking her to reiterate her attraction to me.

I have an inkling of why in the back of my mind but I can't quite put it together. It further confuses me that her hesitation about this sore spot of mine isn't throwing me in for a crazed spin.

“Your eyes are odd but they do not bother me in the least. They suit a predator such as you, my Jay.” Leomi tells me, lowering her head just enough for our noses to intimately brush. “Do you want to, get rid of these scars?” She asks hesitantly.

I dither in turn because, akin to my reluctance to cut my long hair because I don't want to return to the girl I was from the woman I am, my damaged body is indelible proof of what I've suffered and surmounted to seize what I have now.

“You're asking me to give up on your scars?” Leomi questions more directly.

Wait. The apprehension I hear in her voice is like the small push I needed to put the pieces together. She is preparing herself to let me heal myself as much as possible? Not that I couldn't impose my decision to do so, but is she this attached to this wreck?

I wasn't asking her to confirm but to tell me why she finds my wrecked body attractive, it's as deeply personal as asking me why pain arouses me. Of course she would be reluctant to reaffirm that my body excites her and tell me why after the negativity I've been signaling towards myself.

“You're afraid I wouldn't understand?” I ask, but Leomi denies by shaking her head just a fraction. “That I would look down on you?” Her eyebrow merely twitches but that's enough for me to tell that the words made her flinch. “I'm asking because I'm afraid, kitten, not because I don't accept your quirks. I...” I take a deep breath, and then another, and another, delaying. “I am terrified by the idea that you'll be repulsed by the sight of me.” I see surprise fill her eyes.

“Don't be scared, my little jay.” Leomi murmurs, pulling harder on my braids as if she's trying to achieve the opposite effect. Her traits become fierce, she grows belligerent but also protective in a way. “You'll still love my hair, right?” She asks, throwing me off with the tangent.

“I do, I will.” I affirm, feeling more than a little frightened to have my throat so exposed with Leomi making such an aggressive expression. “It's not even remotely the same.” I tell her while baring my teeth, unwilling to back down.

“I do not see the difference. It's you and so I love.” Leomi replies. I'm sure she's trying to comfort me but her refusal to face my issue head on infuriates me, especially making it equivalent to her hair turning white.

“Leomi.” I utter, letting her hear my worsening temper as a warning.

“Fine.” She responds between grit teeth.

She jerks my head back with even more strength, intensifying the pain I feel at the base of my skull by a lot. A pulse of pleasure makes my lower stomach quiver and I feel the itch to fight, sadly neither emotion lasts long.

I return the glare she's been giving me with one of my own but I manage to control myself with a humongous effort, merely tapping her stomach with the tips of two fingers as a warning that things will soon turn sour.

I'm eminently aware that my strength of will right now comes from the fact that Leomi is making just as much if not more of an effort not to blow up and turn our conversation, argument, into a brawl. Whether it would occur under blankets or not remains to be determined.

“I don't know, Jessica.” Leomi says with a difficult sigh, admitting my injuries and her hair aren't comparable. She loosens her grip, releasing my neck from the tension she put it under. “All I am able to give you as an explanation is that I'm twisted.” She sounds confident, her gaze doesn't waver, but I can feel her anguish as certainly as the twist in my gut.

“You're perfect indeed.” I gently reassure her, leaving my head hanging back for her to enjoy the sight of my fully exposed throat and me the thrill coming from the threat to my life.

“But, what I can do is promise that I'll prove to you the truth of my words as long as you give me the opportunity.” Leomi tells me.

She raises her hand and runs the back of her nails along my cheek, crossing over the scar that Ka'tchuk left me. The contact makes me shiver but what shakes me inside is her confidence.

“All you have to do is show me.” Leomi whispers between parted lips.

The palpable and burning passion in my chest threatens to overwhelm me. She is openly seducing me with her attitude and offer to strip. I believe her words as much as she does, she convinced me and all that remains is to confirm that this wreck of a body doesn't repulse her.

But I don't let myself, no matter how much I want to, regardless of the ecstasy she is promising, even knowing that this is a rare opportunity where she'll let me make every call. More accurately, we cannot.

It cannot happen before Leomi agrees to have a fight about Celyz, not before she knows everything or I would be manipulating her and my dream would never come true. I shake my head just slightly to tell her 'no'.

Leomi nods, accepting my answer without pushing. Her disappointment is visible in how her aggressiveness fades from her features. I move my thumb along two of her abdominal muscles while giving her a meaningful look.

Her expression stiffens but a smile prevents her face from growing shadowy. She understood what I meant. She slips the hand she ran along my cheek into my collar and carefully places it over my right collarbone.

My flesh feels like it's being pricked by pins and needles but the sensation dwindles to a tolerable level, proving that I was right to face this discussion head-on. We remain like this for a while, letting our emotions settle down.

“I want us to abstain completely until we're engaged.” I force the words out.

“Even me?!” Leomi half-shouts. I find her reaction exaggerated but it doesn't seem like she's faking her surprise, she seems dismayed at the prospect of being restrained.

“If I'm going to suffer, so are you.” I inform her.

“Hm...” She ponders with a difficult expression. “What if it's only binding for you but I swear that I won't do a thing?”

“Isn't that the same?” I ask.

“Not at all, you would have to, I would do it to please you.” Leomi explains, leaving me just as confused. “It's the difference between being restrained and confined.”

“Oh.” I blink. “No.” I refuse because I want an equal agreement even though it would make her happy if I relinquished control to her. “If you want more, fight for it.” I challenge her.

“...” Leomi hesitates for a while. “Not fair, I can't move off your lap and starting something would end with just that.” She complains.

“You're holding strong to that.” I note, raising an eyebrow. “Good girl.” I praise her and play clueless when she throws me a resentful glare.

“Keep it up and see what happens when you're done.” She threatens.

“I'm glad you're holding to it.” I tell her, deciding to defuse the situation.

“I agree to abstain, but no cheating.” She suddenly murmurs, throwing me a pointed look.

A cold sweat rolls down my back as her use of the word makes me wonder whether she's aware or not of the loophole she left for Celyz to exploit back then. I stop myself from throwing her a glance and appearing guilty.

“No cheating.” I confirm.

Now isn't the time to tell her. Will it ever be? I don't respond to Liz, thinking about Leomi's issue with me. It isn't likely to be nearly as 'easy', it took me a long time to get over what she did to me so it won't be quick for her to get over my revenge, not to mention Celyz.

But, then again, it didn't stop Leomi from sleeping with Elizabeth to know that she slept with Celyz before so my engagement with my oak might not cause a physical issue for my kitten.

“Don't be worried, my sweet jay. I know your personality, although I wouldn't say you're not a good person.” Leomi speaks up. “Destroy to your heart's content, I will trust you know what you're doing. Just as I'll protect what my heart desires and you will trust that I know what I'm doing.”

“And if we enter into conflict.” I continue.

“The best woman wins in the end.” She finishes.

“That's advantageous for you, but it's okay.” I say, giving her a smile.

“Why?” Leomi asks, startling me because she doesn't seem to be pretending not to know.

“I'm going to die in a few years, kitten.” I remind her, trying to be as gentle as possible.

“No, you're not, not.” Leomi denies in a hazy voice.

I find myself unwilling to tell her that the Rykz might be able to save me because there's a good chance that would be more than she can handle. It doesn't escape me that this is the same logic Leomi used to shut me out of her confidence several times in the past, before and after the Rykz captured us.

Still, someone as loving, hating, possessive, controlling, protective, and unstable as Leomi might just break if she found that the one she loves has to be handed over to her hated foe for a chance at survival, which would involve a process she can't allow.

I can't estimate the emotions she would feel if I gave her this dilemma, a hope she can't agree to because it would come from Celyz, a rage she can't vent because it would be targeted at Celyz who is the one she would need to rely on and trust to help me. No, Leomi has to accept I will die.

“Yes, Leomi. I am going to die in a handful of years.” I tell her in my firmest, most affirmative, tone.

“No.” Leomi repeats with a broken voice and moist eyes.

I suddenly understand that she isn't seriously denying the fact, just refusing to acknowledge it. It seems unlikely that the reason why things between us are going so well is that I'm dying, especially since she could only have made the connection after I freed her of her oath.

Yet, this is Leomi, it wouldn't surprise me if she realized I had little time left within an instant of discovering who I truly am, what I am. I could feel guilty about the fact that I'm exploiting my death to soothe things over, but I'm truly dying so why would I? I didn't intend to use my death, it didn't cross my mind, why should I feel guilty?

On principle? Waste the best things, my relationships with Leomi and Celyz, that ever happened to me on a point of misplaced pride? Because I think I'm worthy enough to be with her on my merits alone? Because doing this is unfair?

Leomi would be the first to hit me if I spoke of those reasons, Yvonne and Cetyz would probably be tied second in correcting me, and it would be very difficult to be forgiven by those three. Celyz would understand if I chose to reject the benefits that come with my approaching encounter with mortality, she's too good to me.

“Let me off your lap.” Leomi demands in a commanding voice. I can feel her legs trembling and her hands shaking.

“Okay.” I agree because I do feel guilty for thinking so much of Celyz, because her sudden change in tone is surprising, because she played very nice until now without reciprocation on my part. “You're not moving.” I note after a little while.

“I need to kiss you, to feel like I own you, like you're safe, like I can protect you, let me do that.” The words pour out of her mouth like water from a broken dam.

The implication within that declaration is that she's aware she can't protect me or keep me safe from whatever the parasite did to me. It speaks volumes about what I just did to her state of mind.

She gets off me before I can agree or disagree with letting her do anything. It doesn't bother or worry me, we own each other after all and I put her in this sorry state so whatever she needs to recover, I'll gladly provide.

Yet, contrary to what I expected, Leomi seems barely able to remain standing on her legs with how much she's swaying. I pass my arm behind her back and help her move to her camp bed.

She grabs my shirt and refuses to let go once I've laid her down so I follow her apparent intention and lie down next to her with my back turned to her because I'm pretty sure that's what she prefers.