I stare at Leomi while she moves to pick up the now merely warm pot from the extinguished fire. I feel the itch to move and help but I don't. There's something off about her... no. It was always there, I just never managed to put my finger on it as it was disguised or buried under our other problems.

By the time she finishes serving us two bowls, I still don't manage to find the answer. The mystery gnaws at me, it feels like I'm missing something crucial. I shake my head and resolve to keep this in a corner of my mind, I'm not going to ruin a meal with her because of a possibly paranoid thought.

Leomi closes the window's flaps and sits down on the log, leaving me no choice but to take the chair while she assembles a fire construct to fight the cold. We attack our bowls of boar stew like starving wolves. In my case, it's less hunger than revenge for the fact I didn't get to devour her... so still hunger.

“You've got only skin on your bones.” Leomi hesitantly comments when she finishes.

“Hear that Liz? You were fat.” I giggle.

“Jay.” Leomi frowns. I throw her a flat look.

“Weren't you unwilling to discuss it?” I ask.

“I'm worried about you.” She replies with a gentle voice that hits my stomach like a punch. A low blow.

“My body ate itself, it's probably why I could walk away from the arm's removal without spending a month in bed.” I explain, or more accurately, make a guess. Leomi nods stiffly, clenching her teeth which makes her jaw's muscles bulge. “You started this conversation, deal with it.”

“I am.” Leomi glares.

She suddenly reaches out to my bowl and pulls it out of my hand, serving me another portion of stew without asking. She puts it back on my lap and stares at me until I nod. I force myself to eat, aware that I need to in order to recover, even if I'm not hungry.

“What do you want to know exactly?” I ask.

“Everything that happened to you after... after I threw you away.” Leomi replies. “I want to understand you.”

“It's...” I pause, shifting uncomfortably because that was possibly my lowest point. “I'm just going to go through it in general terms.” I tell her.

“You don't have to tell me right now. I'll still want to know when you're able to speak of it.” Leomi hurriedly says, looking worried.

“It's fine.” I shake my head. “Shortly after you left, I threw up.” Leomi hunches her head down in shame. “Face me, kitten.” Liz growls. “Are we not past apologies?” I ask.

“We are.” Leomi whispers.

It takes her a few minutes before she raises her chin to look me in the eyes without flinching. I admire her courage in initiating this discussion, it can't be easy at all for her to hear this.

“What I did to you, was it not worse?” I question, facing my guilt.

“These things are subjective, it is senseless to classify them.” Leomi shakes her head. I grunt in agreement.

“After that, I wandered until I found a cliff. It seemed tall enough that falling would kill me so I stood on the edge.” I recount. Leomi's expression shifts but she doesn't lower her gaze. “I was considering stepping in the void when the Rykz arrived. Although I don't think I would have, Celyz took the idea straight out of my mind by offering me revenge.”

I tense up, fearing her reaction to the revelation. Not for me, but for the selfish future I envision. Yet, Leomi surprises me by not flying into a fury, lowering her chin in defeat, or challenging me for possession of my heart.

“She gave you something to strive for?” Leomi asks with a slight tremble in her voice.

“Yes, it's likely I would have died sooner or later if she didn't.” I respond honestly. There is no room for lies between us anymore, even my circumvention of her order will have to come out.

“Good then.” Leomi utters with difficulty. “Am, am I the reason you, you agreed to have that horrible, thing, placed in you?” She stutters but manages to pose the question.

“Not entirely. You wouldn't be here if I was the kind of woman who shrunk away from battle.” I tell her.

“Yes, yes I would be.” Leomi denies forcefully with a fire in her voice.

“Okay, I can accept that.” I retreat by a step. “Let me reformulate, I had my selfish reasons to agree, although we didn't realize the price I would pay at the time.” I wait for her to acknowledge my response but then realize it's too much to ask of Leomi to even obliquely agree to my choice. It's already good she's listening and not blowing up against Celyz. “At the time, I thought all I wanted was my life back but I grew stronger and that kept me going until I realized I couldn't be anything less than a warrior to have you.”

“You're wrong.” Leomi frowns. “I took interest in you from when I saw you working in the fields, I felt it fleeting at the time but we both know you would have sunk your hooks into me when we met again.”

“It's the other way around isn't it?” I note with an amused smile.

“Okay, fine, I would have sunk my hooks into you.” Leomi nods with a mischievous corner smile that sadly doesn't last long.

“Either way, it isn't so much about your desires than mine.” I tell her seriously. “You want to fight against a lover and win. Accurate?”

“Somewhat.” Leomi says uncomfortably. “But... no.” She changes her answer while staring into the fire but doesn't offer any more details.

“What I want is a family, a wife.” Kids. “A life.” I utter firmly.

“I, I also... want that.” Leomi hesitantly speaks up.

“I could not have sought you out without the confidence that I obtained through becoming Elizabeth Vil and the power to get even.” I explain, free of shame but not guilt. “That is why I made the choice.”

“You needed to grow beyond me.” Leomi says uncertainly, apparently half-stating, half-asking.

“I don't think in these terms, kitten.” I gently tell her.

“I know, but I do.” Leomi utters sharply, like she's being aggressive because she's frightened I would deny this part of her. I give her a short nod to tell her I wouldn't. “I'll reformulate, it was necessary for you to impress on me that you were more than I saw for us to move forward.” She nods to herself.

“If there's something I understood after I got here, and you arrived, it's that this life isn't what I want but what I needed to come back to in order to move on.” I tell her. “I don't have ambitions like you do. I do not want to rise in status or become famous. I want the power to stand on my own and I'll destroy that which must be in order to create the life I want to live.”

“You could help me change things, why aim to destroy?” Leomi asks.

In a way, it's the question that has stood between us for a long time. Yet, this time is different. She's asking calmly and without pressuring me, out of a desire to find out more rather than convincing me to take another path.

“You've changed.” I comment carefully.

“So have you.” Leomi replies with another corner smile. “I'm still in the process of figuring it out but do praise me for learning to listen.” She shamelessly demands.

“Most are born with the capability.” I reply using sarcasm because her smirk irks me.

“You know that's not true.” Leomi says. She raises a single, infuriatingly beautiful, eyebrow. Yet her expression is tense in spite of the confidence she's showing, like she's hanging on my every word.

“Fine.” I say, forcing myself to recognize her. “I'm proud of you.”

Leomi's grin grows so wide that it almost seems to split her face. I let her enjoy to think through the reason why she's so happy. Yet, I have trouble figuring it out. I think back on her words.

She mentioned I grew and changed, it's clearly important to her. It matters a lot to her that I admit she has as well. Is it about being equals? It's her thing, being adequate and then surpassing that to be better, the best.

“Does this have to do with you surpassing who you were before?” I ask to confirm.

“Yes.” Leomi nods fervently, looking like she's anticipating more. It suddenly hits me.

“I went past who I was as a peasant, you're moving past who you were as a Noble.” I mutter.

“Exactly.” Leomi breathes in and closes her eyes, flagrantly savoring the moment. “That being said, I still disagree with your path.”

“As do I with yours.” I agree. “I'm surprised it doesn't bother you.”

“Doesn't bother me?” Leomi repeats in a dark tone, straightening her back. “How often have I asked for your help, Jay?”

“I, I don't know.” I blink, her vehemence taking me by surprise.

“Quite a bit. Maybe not directly, but don't lie to me and say you didn't realize I was trying to ask for help when trying to convince you to join me.” Leomi spits out, looking dejected. “It bothers me that you don't believe in what I'm doing, a lot.”

“It's not...” I hesitate. “I don't care about humanity as a whole, Leomi.” I tell her. “Humans, yes, humanity...” I trail off. “It's difficult to explain.”

“Try.” Leomi demands in a dry tone.

“It isn't that I don't believe in your ambition, kitten.” I say soothingly. It surprisingly works as her expression softens. “It's that I don't think the result is something that will suit me. You strive for honor and equality through the Hospitaliers, I'm not capable of helping you with that, my personality is unsuitable. It's not a matter of belief because I'm convinced in your ability to achieve what you're setting out to do and surpassing the obstacles. But I can never be your subordinate, it wouldn't be me.”

“A crown can't fit two heads.” Leomi murmurs.

“Leomi.” I gripe.

“It's just an old saying.” She hurriedly replies. I throw her a suspicious glare. “Trust me, I have no intention of ever being crowned.” She adds.

“Okay.” I acknowledge. “I can help you, support you from outside, but I have my own path to follow.”

“That's good enough.” Leomi briefly nods. “You want to remain in the shadows.”

“...” I ponder, wondering if that's the case. “In a way, as long as possible.” I tell her.

“I'll have to let you see some sunlight from my shoulder, then.” Leomi says, looking down and to her left.

I follow her gaze, finding the golden one-winged jay nesting at its usual spot on her left shoulder. Leomi reaches up to it with her right hand, gently rubbing the bird's neck.

I reach out to the flow jay since I should be able to connect, after all she pledged herself to me. I find a mess of chaotic energy instead of a rudimentary construct or a field of unstructured flow. It doesn't feel like anything a normal mind could even imagine, I can't wrap my head around it.

“How did you make it?” I question, baffled.

“I didn't. I channel my feelings for you through flow and it shows up.” Leomi replies with a wide smile. “It can track you down if I use enough energy.”

“Is, is that a good thing?” I ask, worried about the way she's saying that.

“It's a good thing for me.” Leomi answers with a predatory grin. “Now, let's talk about our engagement.”

“That's a bit abrupt but go on.” I say, edging forward as my heartbeat accelerates.

“If you don't want to stand by my side at all times...” She starts.

“Wait, at all times? You're implying I should be near you most of the time.” I note.

“Yes, I am.” She nods. “Or me near you.”

“There's no way I'm agreeing to that.” I utter firmly.

“I'm aware.” Leomi acknowledges. “You'll try to run. I'll try to tie you down, perhaps literally at times. Isn't that who we are?”

“... it seems to be so.” I nod, grinning at the thought of her chasing after me.

“No limits.” Leomi adds.

“None.” I agree. “Consequences are ours to bear if we go too far.”

“Indeed.” Leomi's wicked grin somehow manages to widen.

“I need a home to return to, though.” I note, testing her.

“I'm more than happy to agree, especially because I want one as well.” Leomi acquiesces.

“Wherever you are.” I start.

“No matter the weather.” She continues.

“Is home.” I finish.

Leomi and I get up at the same time, meeting in the middle. I reach up while she leans down, our lips meeting for a brief and gentle kiss. She takes hold of my warm hand in her cold ones. It feels good, like home.

“I've thought about it some more.” Leomi speaks up. “I would prefer our engagement remain private at first.”

“What's your reasoning?” I ask, rather unwilling. “I refuse to become your mistress, Leomi, no matter how much easier it makes things for us.”

“That's not why but... not even for a little while?” She questions with a look of hope.

“No.” I utter firmly.

“Oh well.” She sighs. “The reason is that it's too abrupt. There are many people who could assemble the pieces of the puzzle. If they make the link between you and Elizabeth...” She trails off.

“I'm surprised you're not pushing this harder.” I comment.

“I have a better chance of protecting you by getting you to agree.” Leomi admits.

“So you wouldn't have been honest if it was different?” I ask.

“It depends.” Leomi answers. I try to pull my hand out of hers but she doesn't let me. “Don't break this moment just yet, let me speak.” She pleads.

“Okay.” I agree without much thought, deciding to trust her.

“I love you, my Jay.” Leomi tells me, which is a good start but doesn't bode well for what's coming next. “But I cannot get rid of my fear of losing you. If lying, manipulating, and betraying you is the only way to save your life, then I will do so at the risk of you hating me.” Leomi loses control of her emotions for a brief moment. “I can't bear the thought of this world without you, my life would lose meaning.”

I feel my throat tighten painfully at her declaration. It hurts but it's also her way of loving me so I can't deny hers without denying my own. This is how important I've become to her. It feels wrong and profoundly vexing but my love for her wouldn't have kept growing if she were to be any other way.

I close my first within her hands, suppressing the selfishness that's pushing me to demand she always tell me the truth when the fact is that I'm not. I'm holding onto something for longer than I should, and I hate myself for it but now's not the time.

“No apologies, only consequences.” I utter with difficulty.

“Indeed.” Leomi clasps her hands around my fist. “How far would you go if I was in danger?” She asks.

“As far as I need to.” I reply, suppressing a growl at the idea that someone could threaten her. “Is this your point? We're both stubborn and prideful, we'll do as we like.”

“If possible, then we should discuss together before acting.” Leomi corrects.

“But reality isn't so conciliatory.” I let a grim chuckle out. “You're anticipating us to fall out.”

“Aren't you?” Leomi asks without losing her cool.

“I still don't agree to keep it a secret.” I quietly affirm, not debating the high possibility that we're going to get into a fight, in about two weeks at the latest.

“Why not?” Leomi questions. “Don't you want to be discreet?”

“It's simple, I want everyone to know you belong to me.” I reply, throwing her a burning look.

“...” Leomi bites her lower lip. “Dammit.” She swears, leaning in to kiss my forehead.

“You're the same, huh.” I grin.

“Not exactly.” She pouts. Ah. With this, it takes me about two seconds to figure it out, and I'm ashamed it took that long. “I had some hope I could keep you under wraps, a meager one but...” She trails off. “Monopolizing you would have been rewarding in ways you can't imagine.”

“What was the plan?” I ask, smiling in spite of her almost scary need to control me.

“Get you to come to Castle Lance, give you the key to my library, and the training field. Once we left the Izla, it would have been harder but not impossible.” She replies.

“That's a vague outline.” I note. “You weren't very confident, were you?”

“I'm still worried you won't be leaving with me in two weeks, seducing you has taken most of my time.” Leomi explains.

“Hhm.” I sigh. “You're scary sometimes.”

“Says the woman who took two cities down and defeated a fleet.” Leomi mutters. “Meiridin has been a mess since you left. Acts of murder, theft, and sabotage have become common out of the slums. Cenwalh couldn't keep it under wraps.”

“You helped a lot, you know that right?” I tell her. “I wouldn't have had the courage, determination, or skills to do any of it without you. Not to mention that Meria didn't burn because you dealt with the loose ends.”

“With that Cecil's help.” Leomi grumbles. “I can, and will, do better. If I had dealt with Duke Meria at the first signs with your help instead of hesitating, the Rykz would have had to negotiate from a much weaker position.” That's her regret? Understandable, there would have been fewer deaths.

Leomi shakes her head and caresses the side of my head in a possessive manner. I repress a sudden yawn, which seems to make her melt as she suddenly wraps her arms around my chest for a huge hug. My head finds a niche between her small breasts to enjoy while she squeezes me.

“You said no touching.” I murmur, feeling the desire to shower her with kisses.

“Your fault.” Leomi responds fondly before letting me go.

I watch, amazed, as she grabs our bowls along with the cooking pot to step outside and do the dishes. It takes me a small minute to wake up and slip inside my bed. I think about our conversation, both elated and worried about the shape that our relationship is taking.

It seems like we're trying to find a sweet spot between our need for freedom and our need to be with the other. We'll clash, for sure but, hopefully, our unhealthy way of doing things will work.

--- --- ---