"Say, Azara... Do you know anything about monster hunting?"

"Stab 'em with the pointy end?"

"I'll take that as a 'no'."

My own knowledge of hunting is pretty much limited to Elmer Fudd sitting in a bush with a shotgun, waiting for the 'wascally wabbit' to appear. I mean, I am pretty confident I can fillet any garden variety monster that chooses to attack me, but if they are actively avoiding me I'm not sure I could actually track anything smaller than a rhino. If we can't find those damn monsters, no amount of attack power will save us from humiliation of failing this contract in its early phases.

Which is why it came as relief that at least Celica appears to know what she is doing. ...I hope. Running far ahead of us in the dry forest she seems to have a destination in mind. She stops for a moment in front of a rocky slope and points ahead.

"Sniff~ sniff~. Big one here~!"

"What are you, a hunting hound!?"

She disappears between boulders and we run after her. There's a cave hidden there, or rather a large-ish crevice in rock that seems to have been dug deeper by animal of some kind. Bear den perhaps? Huh... She can really smell our quarry then. ...That's almost worth the constant head-ache of shepherding her to not break our cover.

"Something hides inside?"

"So it would seem."

Azara and I didn't even get to enter the dark hole when horrible howling echoes from within, followed by the much less impressive roar of the monster. Celica, if you claw a monster to death, no-one will believe you aren't one too.

Something big scampers out. Azara draws her bow while I ready my swordstaff, which is yet to see real use. A bloodstained monster that looks like a carnivorous moose appears - it would look terribly uncanny, were it not wearing a beleaguered look of someone who was having a nice day until a crazed junkie bit him. ...Which isn't that far off, really. Celica is constantly high on Celica.

"Take it down!"

"Yes yes..."

I brace my weapon to impale the approaching monster, but then opt for a dodge, since even if I did manage to kill it straightaway, I don't want anywhere near the path of that hulking mass of horn and teeth. Azara fires an arrow at its chest, and the creature crashes on the tree in few meters away from entrance, ploughing a deep furrow in ground that makes me happy I got the hell away from its path.

The monster makes ululating sound and starts getting up as I approach to see if demonic strength is enough to decapitate it, but Celica bypasses me and leaps at it with daggers ready, looking a bit like a striking fanged snake. The still stumbling monster-moose has snowball's chance in hell as the crazed succubus flurries around it making cuts upon cuts.

"Ugh. She is still a beast when it comes to battles."

Azara looks at Celica's butcher’s work with distaste. A splotch of blood lands into her mouth and she stops to spit it out.

"Celica, You can stop now. It died a minute ago."

I try to calm the berserking Celica. This is just when another team comes in the view from behind the same boulders we came here. Did they hear me call her just Celica? ...It shouldn't matter though, shortening a horrible name like 'Celicaxena' wouldn't be that odd.

"By the blightmoon, how did they get here so fast!?"

The probable leader of the competing team, a huge bear of a man with a huge two-headed axe, swears. Owww, did we kill your monster? Although, I didn't get a single hit... but I technically participated in it.

His expression sours even more when he realizes Celica's handiwork. There was a monster there, but it's a slob of mincemeat now. Rest of them gets closer too, and look at the sight in shock. Celica, who is now back from laa-laa land, waves at them smiling. Her frontside is not just covered in monster blood, but rather bathed and saturated by it, making her a ghastly sight with white of eyes being only bloodless patch in sight.

"You... you...! Why have you desecrated this noble creature so?! Where is the thanks owed to a worthy quarry? Where is the honor in this... this butchery!?"

Does he mean it's okay to kill the monster, but only if you do it nicely? The rules of the Great Hunt stated just to prove your kill with the ears of the monster, and nothing about saying sorry after each stab you take, or whatever he seems to want us to do.

The other two members of his team join in being outraged at us, with the second member, a red-haired, musclebound amazon armed with light javelins making a warding gesture, and the third one, a younger man with a square shield and hunting spear, looking at us with revulsion. Fine then. Everyone, let's overreact immediately!

"Oh quit you whining. If you don't like dead monsters, then you should have stayed home."

"Celica...xena~ agrees~! Everyone knows spilling all~ the BLOOD & GUTS~ is the best part~!"

"You're coveting our kill aren't you!? This is ours! Get lost you gits!"

Great, Celica almost forgot to use her alias and Azara is making rude gestures at them. The rival team's expressions now all look like they bit a particularly sour lemon, and the huge axeman is about to launch into a lecture, when Celica suddenly jerks to another direction.

"Even bigger one~ is nearby!"

"(Celica, keep the speed within human limits. Not that your sudden ability to locate monsters wasn't suspicious enough...)"

"Okay~! Let's~ go murder it~!"

"Neener neener! There won't be any left for you!"

"Azaraxena, shut up and go."

Celica and Azara go full steam ahead. Before following them I quickly stop to cut off the ears of the mooster, since they had already completely forgotten that the point is to claim proof. As I toss the bloody trophy in a sack, I see our ignored rivals are shaking with anger. If you are going to make up rules of your own and then expect everyone else to follow them, you'll be disappointed - and often.

***

I empty a pile of bloody, stinking monster ears on a table, to the dismay of our rivals and bafflement of everyone else. Celica had used her keen sense of smell to hound monster after monster, so much so that I had to make her cool down a bit with a headlock when our kill count began to pass mortal limits too obviously. ...The monster population of the area may have suffered irreparable damage after we cut a path of carnage through them.

The druid acting as judge doesn't even bother counting them, the winner of first match is obvious. Not that it matters how outstandingly we did, as the next two rounds will decide the final winner. It's evening already, and while the tent village will be active for far into night, any competitors would be wise to rest well.

"Second round is right at morning. I think it's better we retire to our tent--"

"No way~! Big sis worked sooo~ hard~!"

I look at the ever-eager Celica and Azara, who has been acting as if she wasn’t interested, while she clearly is.

"(Everyone is keeping an eye on us now, so we need to manage the risks.)"

"(Ais~, you sound like a rheumatic~ imperial bureaucrat~. Cheer up~!)"

Why am I even trying? Keeping on arguing would be more annoying than letting them get bare minimum winding out.

"Sigghhhhh. Fine. But only for a short time. And don't move anywhere from the vicinity of our tent."

"Yay~."

***

Ten minutes later Celica is dead drunk and picking a fight with the rival team that disagreed about the mutilated mooster. Not that they needed much prodding though. On the contrary, they had pointedly set up their tent right next to us and begun making more and more derisive comments.

"Why they declared butchers like you winners, I will never understand."

"*Hic* You sissies~ still around~?"

"Fight without honor is hollow!"

"You shoulda~ seen what we did to that cave bear~! 'Twas hard to find its ears after that~. ... Bears ears, tehe~he~."

Their wave lengths don't exactly match, but that doesn't seem to stall them. This hasn't yet escalated to brawling, but if it does come to that, it'd be bad. Celica would destroy them with her drunk-fu, and we might risk being disqualified from the Great Hunt for all I know.

Sigh... Am I Ais the demonic baby-sitter now?

"Celica, stop mocking those losers. Swallowing defeat is painful enough for them without you adding salt to their wounded pride."

"Oooh~ you tell 'em~!"

"What did you call us!?"

Oops, I failed to resist mocking them too. I retreat and wink at Azara. Your turn. Subtle approach needed!

"What!?"

"(You know what. *wink wink*)"

"(You... lust after me even in her form!?)"

"(What!? No! Can you do something to get rid of them?)"

To my surprise Azara nods and approaches the trio. I'm not sure what she'll do, but doppelgänger ought to be subtle, right? She looks around: there are no other people around right now.

"Hey wanker, smile!"

"Wha--"

She slits the big bear-like man's throat with a lightning quick slash. ...Azaraaaaaaaaa!

"Ngghh! *gurggle* Gngh...!"

"EeeEEEEEEEEEE!?"

He gurgles with blood pouring from his cut throat, while the younger man and amazon both shriek high octave screams.

"What the hell Azara...!?"

"Huh? What are you whining about now?"

"This is way bigger problem than we had before!"

This little psychopath! I guess I didn't really ever think of her as a dangerous individual, what with her/his unimpressive default form, and me making her run away sobbing...

The other two are about to get over their shock. The amazon woman starts shouting.

"MURDE-- Gah...!"

Celica snaps her neck with a quick motion, shutting her up!

The remaining man looks like he's about to piss himself while backing away from us. He'll get away! I pick my swordstaff that I never go far from and lunge at him.

"AaaAAaaAAAaAAAAAAAA!"

It hits him into stomach, sinking deep, but his armor makes pulling it off difficult. For what seems like eternity he screams with no restraint as I nudge the curved blade buried in his intestines left and right, until it finally slips off. I think he died of shock long before that.

"Fuck everything..."

I just stand here, mentally exhausted.

"HAaaa HAAaaa..."

"Calm down Ais~, these things happen~."

"With you around they certainly do!!"

"Awawwaaw~!"

Azara interrupts when I begin stretching this idiot's cheeks.

"Hey, no problem. I am not just a master impersonator, but also very good at hiding bodies."

What are you, Agent 47?!

Both Celica and Azara are nonchalant about this, but I feel a pang of guilt. Even if they were self-righteous assholes, they didn't need to die. Well, technically this was all Celica's and Azara's fault, and I merely defended myself from being lynched with them... So is this remorse I feel just harping of that thing druids did to my mind then? Either way, I'm not feeling even nearly guilty enough to accept any responsibility for this though.

"Their disappearance is the problem here! They'll be looking for a killer, and that's-- Hmm..."

What if we provide the killer? I begin dragging the corpses into their tent with all haste. Even with all the clamor cheerful barbarians make, guards will sooner or later come to check when someone literally screams murder. Once all three are in, I strip two of them.

Both demons look at me with no clue.

"Whoooa~! Ais is necrowhat'sit... Necrophilharmonic...? Nuhuh. Necrophilantropist~!"

"Necrophiliac."

"Thassit~."

"No I am not! You two, do something about the blood in front of the tent!"

Never did I guess I'd be arranging dead bodies in lewd positions outside of Skyrim...! Well, technically 'I' didn't do that even there. Come to think of it, the person whose memories I have may not have been the sanest individual, considering little things like this...

I arrange the amazon and younger man in the bed with woman on top (she seemed like the type...), and their leader on the floor. I splay a trail of blood from bed to him and bury a dagger the other man had into his throat.

"Oh! You're making it look like they killed each other out of jealousy. I love it!"

Celica stares with a drunken unfocused gaze while Azara seems to approve wholeheartedly. I finish the scene by hitting the 'lovers' with the large axe belonging to the older man few times. There, a real work of art. I even resisted the impulse to loot all the valuables ingrained to me by RPGs, since it'd look suspicious.

We jump into our tent right next door and act like nothing happened. Come morning we'll see if we got away with this.