Chapter 1

The cereal is soggy.

“The recent wave of disappearances show no signs of abating. Although several federal agencies have been mobilized, the mysterious kidnappings have only continued to surge during the past six months. Robert, what do you make of this?”

I hate soggy cereal. But it is all that is left still edible in the house, if you don’t count the moldy slice of pizza from last week lying on top of the precariously balanced tower of discarded pizza boxes next to the TV. Judging from how tall the pile looked, maybe it was from the week before last.

“Well Jill, the numbers say it all. Just in our metropolitan Los Angeles area, over 600 individuals have been reported missing in the past two months alone. That makes it a total of over 1,100 missing persons since our metrics have begun to track the numbers. The state of California has yet to release official numbers, but experts estimate at least 10,000 people have gone missing over that same period.”

“That’s a terrifying number, Robert. Maybe we ought to be grateful global numbers of the missing are still unavailable. I don’t even dare imagine how high the number reaches all around the world.”

I stirred the clumps of red and purple paste bobbing up and down inside the bowl like swollen corpses ready to burst open, all the while trying to ignore the sour stink wafting up into my nostrils.

That’s fine, a little sour milk never killed anyone - more’s the pity.

“Maybe, but even without those figures, there are two even more harrowing facts.”

“What do you mean?”

“First, the numbers continue to spike upward in spite of increased intervention from the authorities. Curfews, checkpoints, overtime staffing by police and the sheriff’s departments, even the recent intervention of several army regiments have turned up nothing. What started with just a dozen or so missing individuals six months ago has now turned into a veritable crisis that threatens to destabilize our society.”

I followed the exchange on the TV with heavy-lidded eyes, irritated by the pearly white teeth of the newscasters while dully slurping on day old cereal and sour milk. For a moment, my eyes glanced toward the remote lying beside me on the couch, but then I remembered how unbearable the silence would become without their prattling voices.

Maybe I should change the channel instead. Again, I glanced sideways toward the remote. After a moment of hesitation, I finally made a decision and reached for the open bottle of scotch instead.

“Aren’t you exaggerating, Robert?”

“Not at all. Already, there’s been a steep decrease in foot and car traffic during night time and a great number of businesses have begun to shut their doors well before dusk. The fear is almost palpable out there. Tensions are running so high, it feels like there’s a giant fuse about to explode.”

I took a good swig from the bottle, dousing my throat with liquid fire and revelling in both the immediate sting and the numbness that soon followed.

“And it is no wonder, Jill. After all, what extremes would you or I go to for the sake of our loved ones’ safety? Basic supplies like water and canned foods are flying off the shelves, and gun shops have begun rationing due to lack of stock. That leads me to my second point, which is even more terrifying still.”

“Robert, I didn’t take you for such a fear monger.”

“That’s exactly it, Jill. Like you mentioned, the fear is spreading out like a pandemic. It’s not just the increasing numbers of missing individuals, but how helpless the authorities have proven to catch those responsible. Let alone recovering a single person, we still don’t even have a clue of who is responsible for this global phenomenon.”

“Independent investigative teams have blamed everything from aliens and UFOs to radical terrorists and obscure megacorporations. There’s even a few religious organizations claiming the Lord has begun to redeem souls in preparation for the coming apocalypse.”

That last almost brought the faintest tugging upon my lips, but the sneer withered away and died before it could surface from the morass of alcohol and self-hate I’ve spent the past few months meticulously erecting.

The newscasters kept speaking, but their words slowly faded away as I continued to drown the last stubborn vestiges of my sanity under a steady stream of whiskey. I had almost made it to that transcendent void where I could find a blessed respite from all the longing and despair, when I caught a familiar name.

“That’s right, Jill. Sabrina Thompson, our sports correspondent, has the newest update on that tragic story.”

“Thank you, Robert. Many of our viewers have been asking for updates on the tragic story of olympic fencer Kaizer Lee. Considered one of the greatest prodigies of the sport, he was expected to claim the gold after his decisive victory in the World Fencing Championships held in Oslo last year. Unfortunately, two months ago he was sidelined by an unexpected injury during practice, and the medical staff tells me that his prognosis is looking very dire ind-”

The rest of it was drowned out by my furious roar as I pawed madly at the remote. Just the fact that it took me this long to find it even though it had been lying beside me the whole time goes to show how stupidly drunk I was. Unfortunately, I still wasn’t quite drunk enough to make me forget, but just enough that I couldn’t even shut the TV off.

Can’t find the damn button? It’s alright. The porcelain bowl smashing into the center of the flatscreen TV did the job just fine. The hapless device let out a few last dying protests in the way of sparks and flickering colors, but then finally lost power and became silent.

All those years of training my body until it became a weapon had paid off. I could still take out a flatscreen TV with a bowl of cereal.

Satisfied at my prowess, I promptly returned my attention to my previous mission - getting as stupidly drunk as quickly as I could. Otherwise, the suffocating silence would bring the voices back.

If only it were as easy to shut myself off.

The smell woke me up.

It was the faintest whiff of lavender that entered my nose and brought into contrast how disgusting my own bodily odor had become after weeks of avoiding the shower.

I had never thought myself a coward, but I found that I couldn’t dredge up the courage necessary to open my eyes. Instead, I immediately smoothed my breathing and inwardly cursed the loud hammering of my heart.

Without knowing how, I knew she was standing over me, looking down through tear-blurred eyes. I even imagined I could hear her swallowed sobs as she bit on her lips so hard it was a wonder she wasn’t drawing blood.

I was a coward, through and through. All it would take to relieve her sorrow and soothe her pain was an acknowledging nod or a grateful smile.

Instead, I let the thick stream of drool continue to pool under my face, not daring to move at all except for the same even breathing of feigned sleep.

I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt her hand gingerly brush against my cheek. In a gesture so tender and intimate that only former lovers could share such, her trembling fingers brushed back a lock of hair from my forehead as she let out a slow, shuddering sigh.

It was all I could do to stay still. I knew I should rage and scream and curse at her. I really should. Instead, I wanted nothing more than to pull her close and crush all the breath from her lungs with my feverish embrace, even as my lips sought hers like a drowning man seeks air.

I was drowning, after all, in the deepest pits of my own hell. Even like this, fallen from my former glory and lost in a puddle of hate and despair, my angel had not abandoned me.

The sweet fool, she still sought to save me. Why?

“Kai, I love you,” she whispered, and her words drove through my heart like knives. “Why can’t you see that?”

She continued to whisper unintelligible words, more to herself than for my benefit, but the familiar chiming of her voice and her gentle caresses on my skin wove a spell that soon brought me down until I finally crashed, exhausted, upon the shores of memory and brighter days past.

As my consciousness faded in the midst of a hazy mist of whiskey and regrets, I caught the fading whispers of her promise.

“I will never give up on you, Kai.”

When I woke up, I found that the drool had been wiped away from my chin. There was a blanket covering me where I lay on the sofa. I didn’t need to lift it to my nose to know it was not mine. That it smelled of clean linen and without greasy spots was enough evidence of that.

Sitting up and groggily shaking my head to clear the splitting headache away, I found myself wondering if I was still passed out on my couch, lying in a pool of my own piss and vomit, dreaming of brighter days at my apartment when the entire damn world hadn’t crashed down on me just yet.

Glancing around, I could see that the evidence of my excesses was gone. The carpet didn’t have crumbs of chips and cereal layering it along with badly nibbled slices of pizza. The leaning tower of pizza boxes had vanished, and so had the mound of dirty dishes previously overflowing from my sink. No piles of filthy clothes were visible anywhere on the floor or furniture, either.

Instead, the counters had been cleaned to a polish, the table had been cleared away and wiped clean, and all the trash had been collected and hauled away. It was a completely different scene from what I had grown used to, but the smashed TV with shards of ceramic protruding from its center told me that it was unmistakably my own apartment.

The heavy reek of madness and despair was gone as though by magic, however. Instead, all the windows had been left open and the fresh breeze that streamed in brought along with it the smell of freshly cut grass and the promise of spring.

It hit me like a brick, stinging my nose and moistening my eyes.

“Ah, Allie..”

I should have changed the locks, but I had not been able to lift myself from my drunken stupor long enough to shave the shaggy mane around my head, let alone do anything even remotely productive with the phone.

Sighing to myself, I was shaking my head when sudden words from behind jolted me wide awake.

“It wouldn’t work, you know. I’d just get a copy of the new keys.”

“Why is she still here?” I snarled in my head, practically trembling from the need to jump up and down like a madman. Whether it would be from perfect bliss or blind rage, I couldn’t even tell.

Probably a little of both.

“After all I had to do to drive you away, all the pain I forced myself to inflict upon you, why are you still here by my side?”

“What are you doing here?” I said, my tone icy though I still didn’t dare meet her gaze in fear she’d see through my desperate need to drink in the sight of her.

“I dropped by to tell you just how much I hate that scruffy beard of yours, of course. Even brought a new electric razor, just for you,” Allie said brightly, shoving a brightly gift-wrapped package under my nose. “Though what kind of professional fencer can’t deal with a proper razor to shave himself without mangling his own face, I can’t even imagine. If only all those drooling sluts in your fanclub knew..”

Her voice trailed away, and even without turning to look, I knew she’d be wrinkling her nose, a cheeky grin dimpling her cheeks.

I slapped the package away, flinging it from her hands and sending it tumbling along the floor.

“I said, what the hell are you doing here? I thought I made it clear that I neither need nor want you in my life anymore,” I snarled, closing my eyes and gritting my teeth against the violent pain that tore through me.

“You’ve made it perfectly clear, yes,” she said cooly.

“So?”

“So what?”

I gnashed my teeth together in frustration. This damn woman would be the death of me. “So why are you-”

“Isn’t it obvious by now, you dummy?” she said flatly, and just from her tone I could tell she was rolling her eyes while shaking her head as though endlessly frustrated by just how thick I was. “I thought I made it clear that I definitely need you and want you in my life, Kaizer Lee.”

Struck speechless, I could only sit rigidly while she used her finger to poke me in the temple, as though to drive each of her following words home by sheer power of will if she could.

“And the sooner you drive it into your thick skull, the better.”

“Allie, why do you have to make this so damn hard?” I moaned in my head, edging ever so closer to despair.

“Get away from me,” I snarled, slapping her finger away while glaring furiously at her.

“Ooh, temper temper. Or what? Are you going to beat up a helpless girl now? Huh?”

She drew closer and closer while she taunted me, staring me straight in the eyes. Watching the sparkling depths of her sapphire eyes, I was almost lost in their depths as I often had all the way from when I’d just been an innocent, love-struck teenager, in what seemed like ages ago.

That she could still floor me with just a single fulminating look of her dancing blue eyes, even after all these years together, wasn’t this true love?

“You still act like a little kid. That’s part of the reason why I can’t stand you anymore,” I muttered, turning away from her again. “Will you never grow up?”

“Well, you’ll just have to hang around and find out, won’t you now?”

My repeated insults just slid off her like rain off a granite peak. Worse, I could feel my determination slowly eroding from within. Just standing in the same room as her, basking in her presence and taking in the scent of her, it sustained me in a way food or water could never do. Hell, it was more intoxicating than the buckets of alcohol I had been drowning myself in, just to try and keep himself from crawling back to her on my knees.

This wouldn’t do, I realized. If things kept going this way, she would eventually get her way, like she always did. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, Alexia Fox always got her way in the end.

My heart thumped loudly in my chest. Maybe it was the last vestige of my humanity peeling off and crashing to the floor. It must have been that last hope against hope that I could end our relationship while still cherishing the precious memory of our time together.

That foolish hope, it had just wilted and died, right here and now, and only at this moment was I beginning to come to terms with this gut-wrenching loss.

Only a couple days later, Allie walked in and saw me in bed with another woman for the first time ever.

As long as I live, I will never forget the stricken look on her face. It was monumental, in the way majestic peaks could seemingly stand eternal and unperturbable for millennia, then suddenly crack and collapse under the softest of breezes.

It was the first time I ever saw Allie collapse. Truly cave in, that is. Not even when her parents passed away in that tragic car accident, or when those bastards at her university campus tried to rape her, had she worn such a shocked look on her face.

Seeing her eyes growing wider while all the blood drained from her face, I saw none of the expected scorching fury that I knew she was capable of. Instead, only profound sorrow scored her features, smudging her glorious beauty into a heart-rending ode to loss and sorrow.

She didn’t say a word, either. She just looked at me with infinitely vulnerable eyes I had never seen before. Never had I imagined she could look so frail and broken, but right now, that’s exactly what she was.

It nearly broke me, right then and there. I almost spilled the whole truth.

That there had been no training accident. That I had been experiencing dizzy spells with increased frequency for the past year. The stage 4 cancer that had popped into my life without any warning at all. The year or two I had left to live.

I almost told her all about the countless nights I spent just lying there, watching her sleeping next to me. Of how I had secretly agonized over what the right thing to do was, weighing in the worth of a final year or two of reckless abandon to bid our love farewell against the abiding sorrow sown in the heart of the one left behind.

In the end, I could not make up my mind. My little Allie was so strong, I knew she would mourn for me, but she would eventually move on. I was certain of it.

She was different from me. Stronger. Smarter. As for me, I couldn’t imagine living in a world without her. If I ever found out that the brilliant candle of her life would flutter and wink out within a year, I knew exactly what I would do.

I would smile at her, I would cherish her, I would treasure each word and gesture and moment we spent together, tucking it away in that secret corner of the heart where only a precious handful memories bloom forever green.

My smile wouldn’t falter, not even till the very end, because I’d know that the moment she closed her eyes for the final time, I would be doing the same thing.

Yes, I’m flawed and weak like that. I still cry at the end of every romantic flick we watch together under our blanket while Allie waves her finger under my nose and laughs, calling me her little crybaby.

Of the two of us, Allie had always been the stronger one. Of that, I had no doubt.

Still, on that fateful night three months ago when I had finally decided to tell her the truth, it had all changed. I could still remember that exact moment when the credits were rolling for one of my favorite movies, Love Story. Ali MacGraw lay dead in her hospital bed, and among my many tears, I had quietly squeezed out a comment about how brave her husband was to live on without her.

I could still recall our conversation from back then..

“Pfft, he just didn’t love her enough,” Allie said, crunching on her popcorn while watching on with obvious disdain.

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“How can he just brush her memory aside so easily? If he really loved her, he should be reaching for a bottle of cyanide right about now.”

I stared at her in breathless horror. “You can’t be serious.”

Allie rolled her eyes. “Of course I’m kidding. What’s the matter with you tonight?”

I barely let out a sigh of relief when she continued. “Cyanide is too barbaric. A strong sedative like Seconal or Nembutal would be just the thing. Just close his eyes and fall into a peaceful, eternal sleep. Yup, that’d be perfect.”

“That’s plain stupid. The best way to honor her memory would be to live a long and happy life,” I protested, feigning disgust.

Allie arched one delicate eyebrow in my direction.

“You mean if I went and kicked the bucket right now, you’d just sniffle a couple times, then move on to fuck one of those sluts from your fanclub?”

“W-What? No! I mean, eventually, though I would cherish your memory forever with all my-”

“That’s it. No sex for this whole week while you meditate on your sins,” Allie huffed loudly, turning her head away.

“Hey, don’t tell me that’s not what you would do!”

“Oh?”

“You’d probably think the whole mourning process was an inefficient waste of time. You’d still go through with it - I know you love me that much - but all the while you’d already post a shiny new profile on lovelove.net.”

The vehemence in her gaze as she snatched my shirt and pulled me so close that our noses were almost touching had not been feigned in the least.

“If you ever dare die on me, Kaizer Lee, I swear I will chase you on the very next ferry ride to heaven or hell or whatever afterlife there is.”

I stared speechlessly at her, struck mute by the fierce fire that lit up her eyes.

She meant it. Every single word, she meant it all.

“Of course, if I so happen to croak first, you feel free to cry me a river - a respectable one, mind you, not just a tiny stream - then trudge on with your miserable little life while longing for me every day and night.”

“I would really miss you, you know? So very, very much,” I mumbled, feeling like a hand had carved out part of my soul.

Allie’s brow wrinkled for a moment at my words, then she sighed to herself and began to undo the buttons of her blouse.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting naked, what do you think?”

“Huh?”

“The things you boys will do to get into a girl’s pants. Stop giving me that sad puppy look with your eyes, I was just kidding about the week of abstinence. Probably be just as hard on me, you know?”

Allie winked provocatively at me, but for once it failed to kindle the usual firestorm within my chest.

All I felt was empty and desolate and alone.

So very alone.

I knew what I must do now.

So I had. I withdrew from her. I let her go.

Now, I had even hired a woman to lie by my side just so Allie would find us in bed together.

I offered no explanations or excuses, and perhaps this was the blow that stung the most.

I didn’t see Allie again for a whole month after that. It was the longest time we had ever been apart.

Then one bright Monday morning, she was back.