Colonel Hashaar was waiting to be presented to the king. He was dressed in his ceremonial uniform, with a tall hat and dinosaur feathers.

Behind the colonel was a large trolley stacked with bags and boxes. The trolley was being wheeled by one of the king’s guards.

‘His grace is ready for you’ - said the vice-chamberlain.

The tiny colonel strutted into the king’s chamber.

‘Colonel Hashaar, of the royal commandos’ - announced the vice-chamberlain to the lord-chamberlain.

‘Your grace - Colonel Hashaar, of the royal commandos’ - announced the lord-chamberlain to the king.

‘The bravest man on this whole ship’ - said the king.

‘His grace is pleased to see you Colonel Hashaar’ - said the lord-chamberlain

‘Ask him what he has’ - said the king

‘His grace would like to know what artifacts you have brought from the human animal world’ - said the lord-chamberlain.

‘Your grace - I bring many human animal delicacies, and exotic refreshments’ - said the colonel, bowing.

‘Get a table’ - said the king

The lord-chamberlain banged his staff on the floor, and two guards carried a table in front of the king. The king’s frog-like eyes were excited.

‘Your grace - may I approach?’ - said the colonel

‘Tell him yes - quickly’ - said the king, clapping his hands together.

The colonel approached, and was lifted onto the table by the guard.

‘Firsty your grace, I bring you a most exotic delicacy from the human animal world. My lads I sought high and low to find this delicacy for you, for it is most rare and prized. May I present, your grace, a quarter pounder with cheese, a BigMac, a large French fries, and a strawberry milkshake.’

The guard placed a brown McDonalds paper bag on the table. The colonel opened the bag and lifted out the BigMac cardboard box. The colonel opened the box and bowed.

‘Ask him what I do with it?’ - said the king

‘His grace would like to know what it is’ - said the lord-chamberlain.

‘Food, your grace’ - said the colonel, bowing

The king picked up the BigMac - it was still warm - and took a small bite. The king chewed the bite and then put the whole sandwich in his mouth, and chewed it.

‘Oh my’ - said the king - ‘Oh my oh my!’

The colonel pulled the quarter pounder with cheese out of the bag and the French fries. The colonel lifted two packets of ketchup out of the bag.

‘Sire’ - said the colonel, bowing.

‘What is that?’ - said the king, pointing at the ketchup.

‘Tomato ketchup, your grace’ - said the colonel - ‘May I?’

The king nodded. The colonel took his knife from his belt and cut open the sachet and squirted some on the French fries.

‘Now try them, your grace’ - said the colonel

The king took a handful of the French fries covered in ketchup, and put them in his mouth. He chewed.

‘Oh my goodness!’ - said the king.

The king emptied the whole package of the French fries into his mouth and chewed them up. The king grabbed the box the quarter pounder was in, and opened it. The king giggled, and put the whole burger in his mouth.

‘Get more of these’ - said the king, chewing - ‘more of all of them. Lots more of all of them!’

The king picked up the strawberry milkshake, and sucked through the straw - making a horrendous slurping noise.

‘It sounds good, your grace’ - said the lord-chamberlain

This king finished the milkshake in one noisy suck.

‘More of that as well’ - said the king - ‘What else do you have?’

The colonel presented the king with a Kentucky Fried Chicken family bucket meal, an extra large meat lovers pizza from Dominos, A Whopper meal from Burger King, a 12” Italian meatball sub from Subway, 10 extra spicy hard shell tacos from Taco Bell, a dozen mixed donuts from Dunkin Donuts, a dozen mixed donuts from Krispy Kremes, 5 foot long hotdogs with onions, ketchup, and mustard from 7/11, and a family box of chicken from Popeyes.

The king ate it all, and instructed the colonel to return with more - immediately.

The colonel presented the king with 24 cans of Budweiser beer, 24 cans of Heineken beer, 24 cans of Miller beer.

The king drank the beer - all 72 cans.

And then the colonel gave the king a carton of Marlboro cigarettes and a bottle of Courvoisier cognac.

The king sat and smoked a cigarette, and swigged cognac from the bottle.

‘Colonel - you are a hero to the people, and you serve me well. Return to the human animal world and bring me more - more of everything. More of this food, more of this drink. I want to try it all!’ - said the king

‘Yes sire’ - said the colonel, bowing

‘Now’ - said the king.

The convenient thing about having a time machine, was that no sooner was an order given - the colonel was back.

The colonel brought the king a trolley stacked high with human fast food, and beer, and whiskey, and cognac, and cigars, and cigarettes, and cakes, and bread, and sausages, and bacon, and steaks, and salami, and pasta, and deserts, and whole legs of Iberico ham.

The king would gorge himself on the food, and wash it down with a river of beer. He smoked whilst he ate, and drank whilst he smoked.

The king demanded more, and more, and more.