《The Mystery of the Real Live Dead Person》16b. Painful Unrealities

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Richard’s side burned like an Aleut in the Arizona August, a new and unwelcome definition of baked Alaska. Every jarring step scribed the exact volume of the injury in stark relief. He felt his side with his hand; it came back bloody. He wondered how much more it would hurt without the adrenaline rush.

The statue continued to chase, its hand reaching into the bag. Sam was far ahead of him, even though he was running backwards, not looking where he was going. The flat and featureless plaza held no obstacles, making his unconventional stride a safe choice. Richard wondered why he kept zigzagging; he’d make better time if he stayed on the straight and narrow. Was he showing off?

“Incoming!” Sam exclaimed. Richard glumly noticed the boulder sailing through the air, aimed squarely for him. “Serpentine!” Sam commanded. Richard tried to change direction, but his side flared painfully from the interrupted momentum, and his knees nearly buckled. Fortunately, that was the break he needed; he moved out of the projectile’s path with greater ease. The boulder hit the ground where he had been only a second earlier; bits of the rock splintered and radiated outward like a grenade, while the bulk of the stone rolled unevenly across the plaza, skipping and hopping like a drunk in the rain.

“Move it, Richard! Your life depends on it!” He felt another surge of adrenaline, enough to focus his mind; he sprinted as fast as he could toward his companion’s quickly diminishing shape. Sam continued to run backwards; despite his speed, his limbs almost looked languid, fluttering randomly to keep his path unpredictable. Richard kept his eye on the statue as well as he could, but the disconnect between his path and his view gave him motion sickness, no doubt worsened by the pain. He spotted another hurled boulder begin its acute arc, heading vaguely in their direction. “Run straight!” Sam ordered; he had noticed its path too. The boulder peeled away from their trajectory and exploded uselessly a safe distance away.

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“Ha! He can’t run and throw straight at the same time!” Sam exulted.

The statue must have had the same thought, for it suddenly stopped running. He grabbed another boulder from his bag, holding it like an Olympic discus thrower. The fear in Richard’s chest surged upwards and filled his head, inflating his terror like a balloon, as he watched the statue spin around and around. Finally, he let the boulder go; it shot upwards into the sky at a perfect forty-five degree angle, quickly disappearing from sight, but on an exact course for where they would be.

Sam’s jaw gaped as he stopped running. “Oh no…” He turned suddenly to Richard. “Run back!”

“What? Are you crazy?”

“Now!” Sam nearly trampled Richard as he ran by, heading straight for the statue. Richard turned to follow. The boulder impacted on the ground, shattering completely, the bulk of it blasting forward like a five-hundredth-gauge shotgun, only a few scattered pebbles flying backward to pepper Sam and Richard. The countless tiny impacts hurt, but were more annoying than painful, injuring them no more than a kitten’s bite would.

“Let’s get out of here!” Sam shouted as he ran past Richard again. Now they were near the edge of the plaza, where the hulking edifices began. Richard looked back once again as they bolted into the first alley. The statue raised its fists and shook them, an unmistakable expression of anger. Sam was no longer walking backwards; he now sprinted at full speed, stopping only to urge Richard onward. Their view of the statue disappeared behind enormous walls.

“Where are we going?” Richard yelled.

“Away from that thing! Just keep running!”

They ran for several more blocks, Richard finally unable to go any further. Sam noticed him collapse against a wall, and jogged back toward him. “I think we lost him, but we have to keep moving. Are you OK?”

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Richard panted as frantically as a kindergartner in his first adult haunted house. “Can I have thirty seconds?”

Sam stared worriedly into the distance. “Fine, but if that thing comes back, we’ve got nowhere to hide. A shattering boulder will cover the whole street.”

Richard’s indulgence in hyperventilation paid handsome dividends; thirty short seconds later, he had caught his breath again. “OK, I can do this now.” He and Sam resumed jogging down the street.

“So where are we going?” Richard asked. “Do we have to find the path back?”

“Not necessary,” Sam informed. “That’s all I did last time to get out of there. It seems it’s much easier to leave than to enter.”

“Fortunately for us,” Richard cheered.

“I think it’s like climbing a mountain and then hang-gliding to the bottom; the way up is tricky, but the way down is wide open.”

A few blocks later, they realized the sky was once again dark, and the buildings had resumed their dilapidated familiarity. Sam finally came to a halt. “I think we made it!”

Richard joyfully stopped moving forward. “About time! I can’t even believe I ran that much.” He noted they were only a few blocks from where they started.

Sam stared confidently, his arms crossed. “And now, you have to admit that I’m no longer the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in this city.”

“Willingly noted,” Richard chuckled, the spasms making him wince in pain.

Sam eyed Richard’s side warily. “You need to get that looked at. I think your jean jacket is holding in your guts.”

“It doesn’t feel too bad anymore,” Richard declared as he poked at it; the touch of his finger burned like a ghost pepper hidden in a lasagna. “Ow! Never mind.”

“Just wait until the endorphins and adrenaline wear off. Better yet, don’t. You’ve got maybe thirty minutes before you’ll hurt too much to move.”

“Thanks for the tip, coach. I’ll take it from here.”

“Then I’m off!” Richard gaped as Sam expertly vaulted up the side of a nearby apartment building, finding handholds and footholds invisible to the pedestrian eye, upside-down as preferable as upright, landing on the roof with all the grace of a pro wrestler dancing ballet.

“Tucson Sam!” he yelled as he raised his fist, before looking down at the astonished Richard. “Part of a nutritious breakfast!” he thundered, smirking. “Yeah, I’m owning it. Besides, I’m hungry! These tired muscles could do with a big sugar bomb right about now.”

Richard waved. “Then Godspeed, you magnificent loony.”

Sam gave him a thumbs-up and disappeared into the dark. Richard shook his head and then trekked the handful of blocks to his waiting car.

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