《The Mystery of the Real Live Dead Person》14b. History

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They smiled as their eyes met. Rosaleen let out a big breath and looked around uncertainly. “Wow…I’m a little nervous!”

Richard was glad to hear he wasn’t the only one. “Why? I hope you don’t find me intimidating!”

“Oh,” she replied coyly, “a little.”

“Why?” he asked, looking piqued.

“Well,” she revealed, “you’re a private detective. Somehow, I feel like you’re looking right through me, unearthing all my secrets.” She blushed slightly as she put her hand to her chin. “Stripping me naked.”

The titillation of her last statement slammed head-first into his traumatic experience with Alexandra, ruining what could have been a pleasant moment. The upside was that it kept down his excitement level. “Not to worry,” he assured. “I won’t strip you naked. Certainly not in the restaurant.”

She bubbled over with giggles, her eyes locked on his, finally settling down. “That’s good to know.”

“So…” she asked. “Why were you interested in going on this date?”

Because she’s a living goddess? Because she’s by far the most fascinating woman he’d ever met? Because she’s less of a person and more of an untamed force of nature? Because she’s one of the most drop-dead gorgeous women he’d ever seen in his life, much less met, talked to, and spent time with? Because she’s stratospherically out of his league, it’s only a matter of time before she realizes that, and he wanted to enjoy every possible minute of her presence? How to explain all of that in a socially-acceptable way?

“I found you interesting right away,” he summarized. “Your ease and skill with dangerous animals is very unusual…and fascinating.”

“Well, that gives us something in common, doesn’t it?”

He wrinkled his brow. “How do you mean?”

“You lead a life of danger too!”

“Not really,” he clarified. “A lot of it is finding missing people, talking to witnesses, catching adultery in the act…nothing special. Pretty boring.”

She gave him a playfully disbelieving look. “Not from what I’ve seen! You tracked and wrangled a giant lizard, went spelunking in the dark, chased after a potentially dangerous interloper…how can you say your profession is boring?”

Richard laughed to himself. “I have to admit, it’s a lot more exciting when you’re around.”

She giggled demurely. “Maybe I bring the sort of exhilaration I imagine you have all the time.”

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“Well, I don’t mind at all,” he declared. “You’re a wonderful change of pace.”

“Oh, come on,” she bantered. “I’m sure you meet a lot of fascinating people in this line of work.”

“That’s one word for it! The problem is, most of them are wrongdoers. People I don’t want to associate with.” He paused as he considered the wisdom of his next line. “You’re a welcome break from that pattern.” That drew a smile out of her.

“It doesn’t hurt that you’re stunningly beautiful.” Who said that? With deep dread, Richard realized it was him. Had his sober reflection suddenly gone on vacation? Either way, it was too late…nothing to do but deal with the consequences.

Rosaleen looked embarrassed: “Oh my.” A second and a half had never seemed so long. Then she giggled. “Thank you.”

Richard’s mind flew through dusty filing cabinets, trying to find a way to recover. Then she continued talking, allowing him to tend to the paper cuts. “I don’t really wear makeup, or try to doll myself up much. For one thing, many types of makeup contain pheromone-like chemicals that can cause unusual reactions in primal creatures. So, for me, it’s a matter of safety too.”

“Perfectly understandable.” Part of him wanted to add “and unnecessary too”, but he managed to slam that loudmouth’s hand in a desk drawer before he could say a word.

Neither spoke for a moment; perhaps he shouldn’t have been so cruel to the loudmouth. Richard could really use one of his ideas right now.

“Well?” she prompted. “Don’t you want to know why I was interested in going on this date?”

Bailed out again! Maybe she wasn’t trying to tear out his heart like one of her monitor lizards. “Of course,” he replied.

“First of all, there’s the whole life of danger,” she snickered. “And second,” she added coyly, “I find you handsome.”

“Wow, thanks,” he replied, his cheeks reddening. “I don’t hear that very often.”

She put her hand to her chin and peered at him. “I think you look like a young Norman Lear.”

Who? Mental hands flew through manila folders stacked on top of cognitive cabinets. “You mean Mr. Roper from Three’s Company?” The cruel file clerk, sparing none of his feelings, held up two photos, showing an unsettling match for the haunted look in the eyes. “So, one of the most notoriously hangdog actors in American history?”

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“No, before that!” she teased. “I thought he was quite debonair in his younger years.”

“I’ll have to look that up,” he offered. “But I’m willing to believe you.”

She leaned in slowly, her eyes glowing with warmth. “But the real reason…” Richard felt his heart skip a beat. “…is because I can tell you’re a very good person.”

Richard twitched, drawing in a quick breath. “Now I really am going to blush,” he admitted openly.

“It’s like you have a light shining inside you; behind all the stress and bother of everyday life, there’s an overwhelming golden glow just pouring out of you.” She sat up and perused him kindly. “I find it very peaceful.”

Richard could feel his red cheeks glowing like lighthouse beams of unguarded affinity. She had turned the tables; he was the one getting stripped naked. Richard gave himself a once-over with his eyes and smirked. “I wish I could see it.”

“I think you know it’s there,” she assured. “I know you don’t always get credit for it. But it’s part of you.”

“Thank you,” he gushed, at a loss for words.

“So…how did you become a private detective?” she asked.

“Well…” he piped up. “That’s a long story.”

“I think we have time,” she pointed out. “Our food isn’t here yet.”

“Right,” he began. “So…little boys dream of being a lot of things, right? Cop, firefighter, astronaut, you know. In my case, I guess I never stopped.”

“That’s adorable,” she cooed.

“So,” he continued, trying to recover, “I finished high school and wanted to join the academy. But so did a lot of other guys! My parents suggested I do something to stand out more, so I went to community college and got my associate degree in criminal justice. I graduated in the top five percent! The next time I applied, they accepted me! And so began the most grueling fourteen weeks of my life.”

“What happened?” she asked, leaning forward unconsciously.

“I did really well…again, in the top five percent of the class. But there were two problems. One you already heard about; you called it apophenia.”

“Oh, it’s anything but that,” she assured. “I’ve seen you in action. You find patterns others miss. You have a gift for it!”

“Well, not according to a couple of the instructors,” Richard lamented. “On the investigation tests, I didn’t get the answers they wanted me to, but I really thought my conclusions made more sense. To this day, I think they resented me. But then there was the other problem.”

“What was it?” Rapt attention poured form Rosaleen’s unguarded face.

“There were just over a dozen separate subjects; I needed a passing grade in each one. But there was one I flunked…traffic enforcement.”

She giggled. “Really?”

“I just couldn’t bear to write someone a ticket! I remembered how my dad would react; he’d be sore for a month! And so many awful consequences…court appearance…traffic school…raised insurance rates…a strike on one’s credit report…it just seems like overkill. And I didn’t want to cause that sort of pain for anyone. And I wouldn’t budge.” He shrugged. “So they cut me loose.”

“That’s awful,” she sympathized. “Though I’ve never gotten a traffic ticket. I always get let off with a warning.”

“You’re one of the lucky ones,” he declared. Three guesses why she’d never been ticketed, and the first two didn’t count. Richard was well aware of the hypnotic effect she had on men…himself included.

“I was devastated,” he recalled. “What was I to do? Then my dad pointed out I could be like a cop, but never have to write anyone a ticket…if I became a private detective. And the rest is history!”

“Really?” she gasped.

“No,” he jibed. “They helped me get started. I paid them back, I moved away from home, and tried to make a name for myself. It’s slow going.” He looked wistful. “I’m still looking for that one big case, the one that’ll put my name in lights. After that, the work should just roll in. Any day now.”

“I’m sure you’ll make it,” she assured. “I’ve rarely met anyone so unconquerable.”

If she complimented him one more time, he thought his head would explode.

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