“Can you hear me? Are you okay?”

Candii opened her blurry eyes and saw a lanky basement troll leaning over her. Was this a continuation of the weird dream she just had? She could barely remember it, but she remembered the emotions she felt: fear and rage.

“No, no,” she said in a stupor. “I don’t want to go out with you. Get a job and take a bath.”

“What? Rude.” Krawl let Candii be and tried to wake up Sir Taco.

Candii’s mind became clear and she sat up. She was in the van and it was running and warm. Krawl had

repaired it and was now trying to attend to everyone’s needs.

“How long have we been out?” she asked.

“Hard to say,” Krawl said. “The fact that you’re all still alive means probably not long.” He finally woke the others. “So, next time you all try to take a detour to the freezing tundra, bring some warmer clothes.”

Sir Taco smiled. “Yeah, we didn’t really think this one through. This is a pretty dangerous area, huh?”

Krawl nodded. “Every year, a lot of people freeze out here when they get caught in totally metal snowstorms. It didn’t always used to be a snow tundra like this. This used to be a desert. A pretty mild one, too. A few years back, the desert elves crossed Queen Morgana and so now they live in perpetual snow.”

“Desert elves? They sound cute!” Key Gullz said as she warmed her feet on the heated vents.

“Also, you’re lucky the winds weren’t absolutely nuts today or I wouldn’t have been able to get out here so fast in the Roflcopter.”

“Did you just call your helicopter a roflcopter?” Thad Penguino asked.

“Yeah. It stands for the Rock On and Fly Loud copter.”

Thad Penguino smiled and shook his head. “Okay. Well, thanks for the rescue.”

“My pleasure. Let me know if there is any other way I can serve you. Oh, and I’m taking this sack full of money as my payment.”

“What!” Key Gullz said. “That’s like a million dollars and I thought you didn’t take that mainland money!”

“I looked it up on the internet after you left and found out how to exchange it for Continent Cash at an Emo Islands bank.”

Key Gullz was at a loss for words but could not argue with the price of saving their four lives.

Krawl left them be and flew away in his Roflcopter blasting absolutely metal tunes out of loudspeakers dangling below.

"Okay!" Candii shouted inappropriately loud. "So, we all had a near-death experience. I don’t want to talk about it, so let’s hit the road and get that unicorn pearl!”

She revved the engine to make sure it was working fine and then drove the band to the lake only a few minutes further.

The lake was frozen solid and the unicorn pearl must have plummeted out of the sky and lodged itself half into the thick layer of ice. Its recognizable glow caught Sir Taco’s eye and he notified the band.

“I’m going out there!” he said.

“It’s too dangerous!” Candii said. “What if you fall through? Isn’t freezing once already enough? There has to be another way!”

Thad Penguino swung open the van door and dragged out all their warm clothing. He tied jackets and long-sleeved shirts together and finally attached one around Sir Taco’s waist like a towline.

Sir Taco took a running start and leapt onto the ice penguin-style. He slid into the center and grabbed the pearl.

The ice began to crack and ice water sprayed like lava from an erupting volcano. Candii saw a flash off a memory in her mind, one again that was not her own but an echo from the dream she had while unconscious.

She ignored it and helped the band towed Sir Taco back to shore. He handed the pearl to Candii.

“This one is for Rainbow,” she said.

They packed back into the van and drove off farther west toward the second unicorn pearl of the tundra.

Deep into the frozen wasteland, the band came across a small village of about ten igloos. Colored string lights, candy cane street sign poles, and little smoking chimneys clued the band in that the village was populated.

“How quaint!” Key Gullz squealed. “It’s like a little Santa’s Wonderland!”

“I didn’t think people could actually live inside igloos. Aren’t they just one room?” Candii asked.

“Yeah,” Sir Taco said. “It wouldn’t be my cup of tea to have my bathroom in my bedroom.”

Candii parked the van near the igloos that Thad Penguino said was emitting the greatest pearl presence.

“It’s definitely here,” he said. “If I had to guess, I’d say it’s inside the igloo.”

The band stepped out onto the frozen little street and pointed out small mailboxes in front of the igloos. They approached the target igloo and Candii had to kneel to knock on the small wood door. She heard shuffling inside. Then the door opened.

“Hello?” To everyone’s surprise, a little elf popped his head out.

“You are SO cute!” Key Gullz cried. She reached out and squeezed the poor elf’s cheeks. They were rosy red and absolutely as soft as taffy.

Candii slapped Key Gullz away and bowed embarrassingly at the elf. “I’m so sorry. My friend has a thing for cute stuff. My name is Candii. Please excuse me if I’m coming across rude, but I’m here to ask if you have a shiny ball inside your house.”

The elf rubbed his tiny cheeks and smiled. “Oh! You must be referring to my new mood-lighting bulb. Are you the manufacturer? Wow! What great customer service!”

Candii was not following. “Mood-lighting bulb? No, this is a round orb that emits light and warmth. It’s about the size of a softball.”

“Yes, exactly,” the elf said. “We have it inside. While I appreciate the same-day delivery, I have to say I find the product to not quite meet the specifications advertised online as you no doubt read in my email. I expected it to be shaped like a candle and I thought it would emit more heat than it does. Maybe it’s defective? If you’d like to come inside and take a look at it…”

“Yes, please,” Candii said.

The elf opened his door and made way for the band to squeeze inside. “The name’s Weeoo. Welcome to my humble abode.” He shook each of their hand as they entered. Inside the band was surprised to find the igloo empty.

Sir Taco looked around and wondered if anyone was really living here. “Where’s all your furniture?”

“What? Why, in my house of course.” Weeoo waved his hands shooing Sir Taco a few steps back. Then he dusted off some snow from the ground and revealed a trap door. He lifted the door and gestured everyone to follow him down a well-lit staircase.

Candii descended below and was astonished by a fully furnished multi-room home under the ice. Another elf sat at the dinner table.

“Lyla, the customer service reps are already here!”

“Oooweeooo, Weeoo! You sent that email like ten minutes ago!”

“I know!”

Candii did not want her unintentional farce to go on any longer, so she attempted to correct them. “It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Lyla. I believe there may be some misunderstanding. We’re not a repair service. We’re the rock band The Non-Traditional Key Gullz. We’re just looking for unicorn pearls. They’re softball sized glowing orbs that fell from the sky recently.”

Weeoo looked puzzled. “Oh, so you’re not from Jungle Shopping? What are unicorn pearls?”

“I told you, Weeoo,” Lyla rolled her eyes. “There was something weird about that mood-lighting bulb. For goodness sake, it was smoking in a crater on our front doorstep.”

“Oh, I thought that was just because of the same-day delivery speed.”

Lyla shook her head with a tender smile. “Just give the nice people the pearl or whatever. They seem like nice folks and it is their thing.”

Weeoo walked into his kitchen. Candii spotted the unicorn pearl sitting in the center of their kitchen table. It emitted a miraculous glow that painted the walls like stars in the night sky. It was so romantic. Weeoo handed the pearl to Candii.

She held the pearl close to her chest. “This one is for Twinkle,” Candii purred as she felt comforted by the pearl’s warmth.

The band thanked Weeoo and Lyla for their kindness and were on their way up the staircase when Weeoo let out a big sigh. It sounded too big for his little body. “I’m sorry, Lyla. I thought date night was going to be more romantic, but now we don’t have any soft mood lighting for the house.”

“That’s okay, honey. Thank you for cooking dinner.” Lyla gave Weeoo a little kiss.

“Oh my gawd. That is SO cute!” Key Gullz said, melting off the staircase and forming a puddle of indulgence on the floor.

Candii tried not to step in Key Gullz and shot determined glances at the band. They nodded back.

“Weeoo,” she said, “thank you for giving me the pearl. You have no idea how thankful I am and how important this is. I think the band and I would like to thank you for your kindness, if you’d like to accept.”

“I don’t know what you mean. That is yours after all. There are no thanks necessary.”

Candii waved away his words. “As I said before, we’re a band. Several of us believe in the power of restorative justice and we can’t just ruin your date night without trying to fix it. If you’d like, we could play for you and your wife to help set a romantic mood for your date night.”

Lyla clapped. “That would be very kind of you! If you don’t mind, we’d love to hear your music.”

Sir Taco and Thad Penguino ran to the van and retrieved their instruments. Candii and Key Gullz sat with them in the living room and asked them about their music preferences.

“Well, Lyla and I have always known we were the ones for each other.” The two rubbed their noses together.

Key Gullz melted off the couch and onto the floor where she smiled.

Lyla took Weeoo’s little hand. “I thank the Jam Gods every day for him. He’s perfect and I could not ask for more.”

Candii thought for a moment and then said, “I think I have the perfect song. If you’d like, we can play while you eat dinner.”

Begin I Could Not Ask for More by Edwin McCain

INTRODUCTION & VERSE 1

Lying … face.

Sir Taco lit candles on the kitchen table. Thad Penguino brought the food and plated their plates and poured their drinks. Key Gullz tapped slowly on the drums, a departure from her usual breakneck rock speed.

Weeoo smiled and took a bite of his dinner while staring into Lyla’s eyes.

PRE-CHORUS

These … more.

Candii strummed her bass with at a frustratingly slow pace, but a love song was needed in this moment, darn it!

Lyla laughed when Weeoo missed his mouth with his drink and she dabbed his shirt with her napkin. Lyla shared a story about when they first met. The band learned Weeoo and Lyla met at the desert oasis trading post, both unsuccessfully trying to sell umbrellas as a part of a multi-level marketing job.

VERSE 2

Looking … me.

Weeoo recalled their first date and how he had replicated that same meal for this night.

Lyla was impressed by his memory.

Weeoo pointed out that their first date’s chicken was technically Thai and they were eating Chinese flavored chicken tonight, but he was unable to find Thai spices in town.

She said that was perfectly okay.

PRE-CHORUS

These … more.

Thad Penguino poured Weeoo another glass of wine before he was even finished with his first. Weeoo downed it and asked for another; it was his favorite.

They spooned mashed potatoes into each other’s mouth.

Key Gullz struggled to keep playing because she was overcome by elf cuteness.

Sir Taco dug around in his pocket and found some votive candles. He lit them around the kitchen.

CHORUS

I … me.

Sir Taco kept digging in his pockets and found a beautiful ring. He slipped it into Weeoo’s hands under the table. Weeoo tried to graciously deny the gift but Sir Taco insisted.

Weeoo presented it to Lyla who was overwhelmed with gratitude. They gave each other a great big elf hug and the room audibly sighed.

Candii dug around her pockets and found mostly lint and Tias nacho-flavored corn chips. Further down she found a pack of gum and a bottle opener. Having nothing else to give, Candii slipped the bottle opener under the table to Lyla.

Lyla accepted and presented it to Weeoo.

PRE-CHORUS

These … more.

Weeoo noticed it was engraved with the logo of the rock band Paramore. He explained how it was his favorite band and that it was incredibly thoughtful of Lyla to give such a gift.

Thad Penguino brought the pair a bottle of champagne and Weeoo got to use his new bottle opener.

“Oh! It’s so bubbly!” Weeoo giggled as it tickled his tiny, rosy button nose.

CHORUS x2

I … more.

Noticing that the two had eaten a lot of garlic, Candii offered her pocket gum to the couple. They chewed up and were minty fresh.

Thad Penguino swooped in and bussed away their plates.

Sir Taco began washing the dishes and cleaning the table with his non-microphoned hand and the couple took their leave into the living room.

With all the chores complete, the band wrapped up their show and thanked Weeoo again for his kindness.

“Thank you for a wonderful night and for truly setting the mood right. You may not be from Jungle Shopping, but you have impeccable customer service!”

End I Could Not Ask for More by Edwin McCain

The band said their goodbyes and packed back into the van to leave the frozen tundra for good.