Thad Penguino continued to navigate with Candii at the wheel. “The next nearest unicorn pearl is sort of on top of a mountain, if I’m reading this GPS correctly. Let’s head for a small, unmarked village at the base and see if we can find a way to the top.”

The band pulled into a small medievalesque village complete with farm animals and cloth cap wearing peasants. However, one thing was notably unique: all the buildings were made from confectionary. It resembled a gingerbread village.

The van’s wheels got stuck in the mud road. Everyone had to get out and push.

Key Gullz slipped and fell on her face. She lifted herself up with a huge grin on her face. “The mud is chocolate!” She dived back in.

“I can assist you strange visitors.” A passing man, dressed in magical robes with a long wizard beard, rolled up his sleeves and whipped out a wand. After a short incantation, the van lifted out of the mud and levitated to dry land. “There you are. Please avoid the potholes as you pass through Candy Mountain. Good day.”

“Candy Mountain?” Candii asked.

“That’s right. You stand in the street of Candy Town at the base of Candy Mountain. Perhaps you are here as tourists and wish to visit the ice cream summit?”

“Why, yes. That’s exactly why we’re here,” Sir Taco said.

“Ah! Well then welcome to our humble home. However, I regret to inform you that the summit is off limits due to an ice cream avalanche brought upon us by Queen Morgana for our insolence. Since winter is setting in, it’s unlikely the ice cream will melt and clear the road to the top.”

“I thought everything was all rock and roll out here. What’s with the candy?” Thad Penguino asked.

“Ah.” The wizard looked sad. “Well, rock candy used to complement our music, but Queen Morgana took all our instruments and left us with just the candy. She said her army of minions needed them more than we did.”

Thad Penguino checked his GPS again. “The ice cream summit complicates things. That is exactly where we need to go.”

“Shoot.” Sir Taco said. “Well, wizard, let’s say we needed to get to the summit really bad. Like, real bad. How could we do that?"

“Well, there is one person who maybe could help, but he hasn’t cleared an ice cream avalanche in years. He’s old now, you see. But what’s the harm in asking?”

The wizard used his wand to carve a map of the town’s streets in the chocolate ground. “Go down two streets and take a right. The house at the end of the cul-de-sac is where you will find the only person I can think of that can help you on your journey.”

Candii smiled from the driver’s seat. “Thank you, kind wizard. You know, for all the absurdity and hardcoreness of the Land of Rock, Candy Town seems pretty low key.”

“On the surface?” The wizard raised an eyebrow. “Sure. However, the entire town is built on a giant vein of rock candy. I think that’s pretty hardcore.” The wizard waved and went on his way.

The band parked their van in the cul-de-sac and identified the house in question.

“Looks like a haunted house!” Sir Taco said.

Candii shivered. “I don’t want to think about that. We’ll go check it out. Thad Penguino and Key Gullz, keep the van running.”

Candii and Sir Taco walked up a long wooden staircase and shook a huge door knocker. The clack, clack, clack was heard echoing through what sounded like an empty house.

“I guess nobody’s home,” Candii said far too quickly as she turned and started to run back toward the van. Sir Taco remained and he reached for the doorknob. Before he touched it, the door unlocked from the inside and slowly opened.

“Yes? Who’s there?” A tiny wrinkled man appeared. He tried adjusting his glasses but his eyesight was so poor that it did not help.

“Hello, sir,” Sir Taco said. “We were hoping to get help reaching the top of Candy Mountain. A wizard told us that an ice cream avalanche made the road impassable and that we might find help if we came to this house.”

Candii slowly inched back toward the door.

“An ice cream avalanche, you say?” The old man furrowed his brow. “Hmm. I haven’t dealt with one of those in say…fifteen years. I’m not as strong as I used to be!” He lifted his cane and swung it about, but his back cracked and he settled down. “I would love to clear the road for you, but I’m just too weak.”

“Maybe you could lend us your tools and we could just dig our way up to the top?”

“No, that wouldn’t do. I’m the only one that knows how to wield my tool.”

“I’m sorry, old man. I wish there was something we could do to make you young again.”

“Old? I’m not that old. I’m only twenty-nine!”

“What?”

“Oh, that’s right. I probably look decrepit, don’t I? I haven’t seen myself in a mirror for years since my eyesight started to go. No, I’m not old. I’m just weak.”

“Well then old man…I mean weak man…I mean, I don’t know what to call you. Just tell us what you need.”

He tapped his cane rhythmically on the porch. “Rock. I need good ole fashioned rock to fill my soul. Candy Town has been devoid of good rock in years. Candy Town only has rock candy now, but man cannot live on rock candy alone. This man needs a steady diet of fire and brimstone across the chords of a guitar.”

“Well, all right! We’re the right people for the job!” Candii perked up and offered a handshake. The man obliged. “It’s nice to meet you. My name’s Candii and we are The Non-Traditional Key Gullz. We can rock for you.”

“Okay! Let me go grab my equipment, it’ll be just a second!”

Candii and Sir Taco returned to the van and waited until the man exited his house. Filled with excitement, he moved too quickly and tripped down the stairs barreling down all the way to the van.

“Oh my goodness! Are you alright?” Candii asked leaping out of the van.

“I’ll be fine!” he waved assuredly. “Let’s just get this show on the road. Help me up on the roof of your van and head up to the mountain top. If you rock hard enough, I should be ready to eat all the ice cream and clear your path.” The man proudly brandished a giant spoon, the only tool he needed.

“Well, okay then!” Candii helped the man climb on top of the van and ensured he felt steady. “The band and I were talking and we wanted to play you a song that really resonated with you. Do you mind if I get to know you a little better? What’s your name?”

“I’m the Spoonman.”

“Say no more.” Candii jumped into the driver's seat and hoped that she could drive and play the bass at the same time.

Begin Spoonman by Soundgarden

INTRODUCTION & VERSE 1

Feel … Spoonman.

Candii kicked the van into high gear and sent candy gravel flying across the drive as they tore out of the cul-de-sac.

“Yes! I feel the adrenaline! Go faster!” the Spoonman yelled into the passenger side window. He gripped the van top with his frail hands to prevent himself from being flung off.

“If you say so!” Candii put her foot down and popped a wheelie with the van.

“Woah!” Sir Taco said. “Is he still up there?” He stuck his head out the window.

“Sure am, rock man!” The Spoonman smiled and flashed a peace sign.

Their tires turned street into blazing hot chocolate. Townsfolk whooped and hollered as they left a rocktastic sound wave in their wake. Candii carved a path up to the mountain road.

CHORUS

Spoonman … oh.

“Ooo, I’m feeling it! But, I’m going to need years of your music at this rate!”

“Rock harder!” Candii barked as she plucked her bass with one hand and gripped the steering wheel with her other.

Sir Taco held onto Candii’s guitar neck as he belted into the microphone.

VERSE 2

All … oooh.

“Yes, that’s it! I feel the youth returning to my bones!” the Spoonman howled into the sky.

"Did you just say all your friends are skeletons?" Key Gullz laughed. "Ooo! Spooky!"

CHORUS

Spoonman … your.

“Sing until your lungs give out!” the Spoonman pleaded. He felt steady on his feet like he had not in years. He lifted his spoon into the air and twirled it like a baton. “Forward, Non-Traditional Key Gullz. Forward! Ha, ha, ha!”

They barreled past a sign, Candy Mountain summit this way. They shot into a chocolate tunnel and burst out the other side spraying sprinkles all over the mountain side. The road then became narrow and twisting.

BRIDGE

Come … on.

Sir Taco had to take a breath, so Thad Penguino took the mic and whispered a few come ons to keep the vibe going.

“Hold on, people!” Candii twisted the wheel wildly to stay on the winding road covered in melted ice cream.

The Spoonman rooted his spoon on the van roof to steady himself. “Woah! I like your energy!” he said.

Sir Taco took back the mic and Thad Penguino started his guitar solo. He shredded the chords and checked to see if the Spoonman was enjoying it. Thad Penguino could not believe his eyes. Spoonman looked thirty years younger!

“Yes! I can feel stronger already!” The Spoonman said.

INSTRUMENTAL 1

With … ♫♫♫

Key Gullz took the lead and laid down a solid beat for the band.

The Spoonman let out a loud shriek. “Yaaas! I feel my power welling up inside!” He grew two feet taller, his beard receded, his hair turned jet black, and he grew formidable biceps.

INSTRUMENTAL 2

Spoons begin clacking … off!

Flurries of coconut shaving snowflakes began fluttering around them as the road became slippery. Candii held the steering wheel with an iron grip and tried her best to keep the van level. The wheels spun and the van swerved inches from the death-inducing edge, but she continued to keep her cool.

Finally, they reached a huge ice cream pile roadblock with cherries on top and she slammed on the breaks.

CHORUS

Spoonman … Spoonman.

The side of the van collided with the massive mounds and the Spoonman was jettisoned into the air.

“Spoonman!” Candii shrieked as his flailing body tumbled into the sky and disappeared into the cotton candy clouds.

“This is where I jump into action!” The Spoonman somersaulted out of the clouds and landed in front of the huge ice cream pile with his giant spoon at the ready. He scooped spoonful after spoonful into his mouth. With fury and focus, he devoured the entire roadblock within a minute.

End Spoonman by Soundgarden

Sir Taco marveled at the clear path ahead now devoid of more ice cream than any one person should ever be able to devour. “I have never in my life seen anyone eat something that big so fast!”

Thad Penguino laughed. "Spoonman, did you hear that? That’s a real compliment coming from him!”

Candii dashed up the mountain road and climbed to the summit. There, resting on top of a ginormous scoop of chocolate moose tracks, sat the unicorn pearl like a cherry. She plucked it out and licked the tasty treat clean. “This one’s for Cookie.”

Once she returned to the band, the Spoonman said, “Glorious rock band, thank you for restoring my youth and power. I can now once again serve Candy Town for the foreseeable future. The path ahead of you is clear. May whatever you are seeking be within your grasp.” He leapt into the sky one last time and dived off the mountain side. “Good day!” his last words echoed.

The band gasped and peered over the edge. Far down below, the Spoonman surfed on his giant spoon descending gracefully, but also super hardcore, down the mountain.

“What a man…a Spoonman,” Key Gullz cooed.