A streak of lightning flashed across the clear blue sky, accompanied by the roar of thunder that shook the strong-standing oaks in the settlement. Nobody was there to hear the effects, however. The inhabitants of Virgin’s Hope were all gathered together in the town’s center, looking over a large, empty circle surrounded by glowing norse runes. At the head of the procession standing on a raised platform was an Elf. Bedecked in rich silks of rippling red, meaty pink, and flowing white, she held aloft a gemstone and feather-encrusted staff made of a dark hardwood, and shouted beseechments towards the heavens.

“Ancestors, Goddess! We use this ritual to bring forth the one we need! Please, heed our call and allow a chosen being of immense strength to come forth in our hour of great need!”

Another flash of lightning ripped across the sky, and right into the center of the circle. A blast of blinding light filled the vision of every single Elf present, forcing them to avert their gazes from the site of the ritual. When their vision returned and they turned back, they let out a collective gasp.

Standing in the circle was a man, a big man. The answer to their prayers.

“Wh-what the? Hey, what’s going on?” he asked, slowly looking around him with bleary eyes as he held onto the soft pillow in his hands in a fearful grip.

“Welcome hero, I am the high Elven priestess, head of this humble village!” shouted the woman standing upon the raised platform. “A great peril has fallen upon our fair, fertile lands, and have longed for a big, strong hero such as yourself to save us from this great peril!”

“Oh my god…” whispered the man as he parted his puffy lips and opened his eyes wide in realization. “It’s happening, it’s totally happening! I’ve been isekaied!”

“I don’t think I’m familiar with the word,” replied the priestess. “But you have been brought to another World from Eeyarth to cradle us in your big, strong arms and deliver us from evil.”

“Well, I’d say I’m pretty strong,” said the man, lifting a thick arm to flex for the awe-struck crowd. As he squeezed his bicep, the flesh underneath jiggled and the audience let out their oohs and aahs. Well, they were mixed in with quite a number of uuhs and ehhs, but that didn’t seem to bother the man from Earth.

“And hopefully strong in more places than just there, like in your p… will! Strong in mind and will! So, great hero. Will you aid us?”

“Yes,” replied the man resolutely, placing a hand over the scraggly beard forming along his neck. “I shall help m’lady to rid the land of this great evil!”

The audience immediately erupted in cheers.

“Hooray!” shouted some. “Finally, an end to our woes!” exclaimed another. “Eh, I guess he’ll do. Doesn’t seem like anything that special, though,” whispered one of the women in the back.

“So… how exactly am I supposed to start fighting?” asked the turgid hero after the raucous cheer had died down. “Do I get any cool weapons, or maybe learn magic? Ooh, do I get a leveling System?!”

“Worry not hero, for the journey ahead of you will be quite long and hard. Wouldn’t you care to rest with us before you begin? We wish to feed you with a big feast… and maybe you could feed us?” asked the head Elf.

“Huh? What was that?”

“We could train you!” exclaimed the same Elf woman. “This World does indeed have a leveling System, and long, hard work will earn you plenty of levels in a class befitting a man of your… sensibilities.”

“Dope! So what kind of class should I go for? Sword Saint? Blade-edged master? I’d like something with a katana!”

“Hmm, I’d say leave the sword wielding to us, many in the village still need to get some practice. For you, I’d say with some training, we could make you into a powerful seductor.”

“Hold on, seductor?” asked the man, adjusting the oversized fedora sitting on his head to make sure it wasn’t blocking the sound entering his ears.

“That is correct, great hero,” continued the high priestess. “You could wield great power in the form of being able to seduce and have your way with any woman who meets your fancy. But to do that, you have to sleep with them first.”

“Hmm…” softly said the hero as he looked down in a melancholic gaze.

“What’s wrong, my savior?”

“Well, it’s just that I don’t exactly have much experience with women from back home. I don’t think I’ll have much of an easy time leveling up the class the way I am?”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that,” replied the head Elf with a hungry smile. “We fair Elven maidens of the village can help with that.” She licked her lips, and so too did every single member of the audience.

The man in the now fading circle looked up and finally took stock of those around him. As the woman addressing him had said, he was in the middle of an Elven village, and every single one of the audience members were Elves. Pointy ears, flowing hair, and an otherworldly beauty to them that could only be dreamed of, but what else would be expected from an "Elven Village?"

There was one other poignant detail, however; they all happened to be women. Slim and thick, big and flat chested, and everything in between. No matter what each of these elves looked like, they were all beautiful. And smoking hot.

“Come on, big boy,” said one of the members of the audience. “How about if you stop by my place before the big feast. Maybe give me an appetizer before the main course?”

“Why don’t you stop by my place after the feast and I’ll give you dessert?” asked another lady, tilting her head down and letting the cleavage in her linen shirt grab the man’s attention. “I know the perfect recipe for a pie that’s out of this World, and all I need is a man like you to help me make it.”

“Fuck that, let’s skip the feast and I’ll rock your world!”

“Hey, back off, he’s coming with me!”

“Fuck you, bitch! That thick slab of dick is mine!”

The hero’s dreamy, drool-dripping smile slowly began to fade as he saw for himself what was happening below. Sure it was nice being fought over like this, not that he’d ever experienced something like that before, but these Elves were seeming to be… a bit much.

“Ladies, ladies!” he exclaimed, raising his hands in front of him to try and calm down the crowd. “There’s plenty of me to go around, and I’ll need to do plenty of ‘grinding’ before I get strong enough to deal with whatever’s going on!”

“He’s mine! I’ll fucking stab you!” shouted another Elf in the audience as she pulled out a knife.

“Oh Astolfo-chan, what did I get myself into?” the man whispered to himself as he hugged the human-sized body pillow tightly.

Before any violence could properly occur, however, a shout went out from just outside of the ritual area. Everyone suddenly went quiet as a man suddenly appeared before them and let out a rage-fueled scream, slowly stomping his way towards the mob.

“Goddamn it!” he shouted at the top of his lungs. “How many times do I have to tell you people?!”

“Oh shit, not again,” sighed the high priestess, laying a palm on her forehead.

“Ooh, busted,” quietly whispered some of the audience members with frowns of their own.

“The summoning ritual is for emergencies only!” continued the newcomer. “Not because you’re horny! You can’t just summon someone from Earth whenever you’re craving some penis! I swear, this is the last goddamn straw.”

“Hold on, this is for an emergency! There really is a necromancer terrorizing our kingdom with her undead horde, and we need a hero to stop them!”

“Uh huh, sure,” sarcastically replied the rage-filled man before turning to the hero. “Listen my guy, you might think you just stepped into a world out of your wet dreams, but you’re really not going to like it here. Well, here, at least. These Elves can be really clingy and your sanity isn't going to last that long dealing with all of their shit.”

“Don’t worry, I think I can handle a little kink,” replied the greasy man with an unsubtle wink that took more facial muscles and effort than necessary.

“Clingy, not kinky. Seriously, get that cheese dust out of your ears. These elves get weirdly possessive once you do the deed with them, and I’m pretty sure you don’t even need a lick of social grace to be able to tell. Haven’t they given you any weird vibes yet? It’s taking all of my willpower for me to not start shuddering right where I stand.”

“Hey, we’ll be treating our hero with the utmost love and respect! What he deserves, because we know what’s best for him!” interrupted the high priestess.

“Yeah!” came slightly muffled shouts from throughout the crowd.

“I didn’t fucking ask you!” shouted the strange man through gritted teeth, several veins in his forehead beginning to throb. He turned back to the summoned… person and continued. “Seriously, I’ll give you like a week before you wise up and get the hell out of here. Any amount of above average sex isn’t worth putting up with these harpies. Shortest time someone snapped was in a single afternoon. I swear, it took us half a week to track him down, and a whole month after that just to clean up the damage. We’re still paying off reparations for the Eunuch wars.”

“I’m sorry, but who even are you?” asked the pudgy man, finally gripped with enough sense to ask the pertinent question.

“Agent Lucius Jones of the Terran Otherworldly Advocacy League,” replied the strange man with a straight face.

“Advocacy… what?”

He gently placed a palm to his forehead and slowly exhaled. “We’re the Isekai Police,” he said while rolling his eyes.

“Isekai Police?!” exclaimed the man with the soda-stained beard. “Do you go around saving people like me from getting sent to awful places?”

“Yup, that’s us,” replied the agent through a painful smile.

“Where the hell were you in all those other anime and light novels? I can think of at least half a dozen protagonists who could’ve used you!”

“Those are just stories. They’re not real,” replied Lucius, his frown returning. “Too bad this has to be real,” he whispered to himself. “And even if this is a story, I swear to god whoever’s reading this had better not be enjoying my suffering, or I’m going to break the fourth wall along with their goddamn face.”

“Aww, whatever,” scoffed the fedora-clad man. “So can I join you guys? Do I get to travel around the multiverse and cultivate a harem full of exotic hot babes?”

“Hello, you have one right here!” shouted the high priestess, forcing herself into the sideways conversation. “And you still have a necromancer to fight! Seriously, what about us?!”

For once, Lucius welcomed the interruption, and decided to offload both of his current annoyances onto each other. Maybe they’d end up killing each other and he could go home early? Nah, he wasn’t that lucky.

“Wait, I thought the whole necromancer business was just an excuse to have sex with me?” asked the summoned hero.

“Well, I mean, it kind of was…” continued the head Elf. “But there still is a threat to the kingdom, and everything. We were hoping to have you take care of her after you’ve taken care of all of us.”

“Seriously, my guy,” interrupted Lucius, taking back the reins of the conversation. “Whatever happens is all up to you. You can stay here for as long as you can stand it, or come with me and we’ll drop you off in another World where the Elves are more… bearable.”

Several of the audience members huffed. “Oh please, like you would know what bearable is.”

“I bet you’ve never been laid in your life!” exclaimed another.

“You people really aren’t helping your case!” shouted the agent before turning back to the other Earther. “And if you ever want to leave, just press the button on this badge and we’ll come to pick you up. Nobody should have to deal with these idiots for any longer than they want to.” He tossed a small trinket towards the pudgy man, who expertly caught it in his left hand.

“You know… I think I’ll stay here. It can’t be that bad, right? And they said they’d train me to take this necromancer on!”

“You do realize what their ‘training’ entails, right? Like, you’re going to be locked out of most magic and combat classes in the System and the only thing you’ll be good for is a booty call.”

The neckbearded man nodded.

“Your funeral, kid.”

“Wait, if sex is all I’ll be good for, then how am I supposed to fight this necromancer, anyway? I don’t want to seduce some old, wrinkly bastard to ‘save the kingdom’.”

“Oh yeah!” exclaimed the head priestess. The heavy-chested, yet graceful woman coalesced her magic in the palms of her hand, and let loose a glowing orb that illuminated the entire room. Above the summoning circle, a miniature light show painted a scene right out of a movie, that of a decrepit old castle surrounded by an army of animated skeletons.

“What’d I tell ya, my guy?” asked Agent Jones. “One gigolo versus an army of skeletons. I wonder how that’ll turn out?”

The scrying spell above them began to shift its perspective, moving the magical spy camera through the castle’s front door, up several sets of stairs, and into a side room. Inside was a white-tiled floor with brightly-lit magenta walls. In the center of the chamber was a large bathtub, with several candles placed on top of skull-shaped holders surrounding it. The tub was full of pink, bubbly water, and beside it was a woman taking off her robe.

“Behold, the necromancer!” shouted the head priestess.

Before them was an incredible figure that could only be described as dummy thicc, her modesty preserved only by a perfectly form-fitting pair of underwear that left very little to the imagination. The necromancer in question had a black marking akin to a trident on her forehead, with thick smears of black eyeliner along the bottom of her eyes that also fell downwards as if carried by a pair of massive tears.

“Goddamn it, don’t you people have any fucking shame?!” shouted Lucius. “I knew you were perverts, but spying on some chick taking a bath?! This is too much. I swear, I’d rather be thrown headfirst into a Grimdark World than put up with you idiots any more.”

“That’s the necromancer?” asked the summoned hero, utterly ignoring his savior’s outburst. “Holy shit, she’s fucking hot!”

“Yeah, and the fair men of the land keep simping for her,” replied the head Elf with a pout. “But she rejects everyone, so if you want a chance at her, you’d better start leveling up your seduction Skills!”

“Come on, kid. Let’s just get out of here. You don’t want anything to do with these dumbasses. Or just find yourself a nice goblin girl, they’re much more reasonable and just as hot, if you’re into short stacks.”

“Thanks, but I think I’m going to stay here,” thoughtfully replied the fedora-crowned man as he held tightly to his body pillow. “These girls really do need my help, in more ways than one. I’ve been running away from problems all my life, and I think it’s time I stood my ground for once.”

“Well, alright then,” replied Lucius with a sigh and an eyeroll. “But if things ever do go sideways and you want out, feel free to give me a call. Or just ditch these thirsty nutjobs and find yourself that goblin.”

“Sure, will do!” shouted the summoned hero as he began to wave goodbye at the departing agent.

“Fucking horny bastards, the lot of you.”

“What was that?”

“Beat that necromancer bastard, good luck to the lot of you!” Agent Lucius shouted back in a half-hearted reply as he stepped through a swirling portal that appeared before him. “I swear, they’d better send someone else next time. Why couldn’t it be a tribe of orcs with the summoning ritual? At least they’re sensible and don’t try to fuck anything that has a dick and moves.”