The group sat around the campfire, JohnWillStab was mentally recovering from being lightly salted.

Bonifacius was heating up some stew, as Crown sat around, contemplating if she really had to apologise to John.

“I mean, it’s not like I ever apologise…”

“Ah, but what if he thinks I don’t value our friendship? Mm, yes, I should apologise… “

Crown lifted her head and looked up to John.

“Oi, John,” she began.

JohnWillStab turned to face her, “What’s up?”

“Fuck you,” she replied.

“…”

“…”

JohnWillStab’s expression didn’t change except for being a little more confused.

Cue internal screaming on Crown’s side.

“Shit, he seemed pretty happy so apologising would be weird, right?!”

“COULDN’T I HAVE COME UP WITH A BETTER BACKUP SENTENCE THAN ‘FUCK YOU’?!”

Crown cleared her throat.

“What I mean to say is…-”

“You’re an unbearable asshole,” she said nodding her head along to her own words.

“…”

“…”

“Oh… ok…” JohnWillStab looked a little sadder as his head sunk lower.

“SHIT! Alright – well, is an apology REALLY needed?”

“Apologising to people is hard enough as it is, but when it comes to such a waste of space…” Crown shuddered.

“Maybe a written apology?”

While this mental loop continued, JohnWillStab sat there, intensively thinking about whether he could stomach the judgemental looks and collect some of the ground salt to season his stew.

After years of eating cup-based noodles, JohnWillStab couldn’t handle anything with low amounts of sodium, at least long-term.

“Maybe they’ll think it’ll be funny and not that I’m a degenerate?” He thought looking over to the delicious piles of sodium all around them.

JohnWillStab decided to just ask, this was no time to be an introvert, this was a battle he couldn’t afford to lose.

He stood up and pointed at the circle of salt.

“D-Do you guys think that salt is still good!?” John demanded; his expression looked tense.

In truth, he didn’t care if the salt was still good, he just needed everybody’s approval beforehand.

“…”

“…”

“No…?” Heike replied uncertainly.

“Indeed, tis filled with disgusting swamp water,” Bonifacius nodded.

JohnWillStab looked down in defeat, he didn’t sit down so much as he collapsed into his seat.

“WHY IS LIFE BEING A CUNT OF OUT NOWHERE?!” John thought, his non-functional tear ducts would have surely been producing tears by now.

“O-of course… of course I can’t cry…. BECAUSE TEARS REQUIRE SALT!” he thought, clenching his fists.

Meanwhile, Crown was still trying to come up with a way to apologise, she saw the visibly depressed John.

“I know! If I can’t apologise, I’ll just be nice!”

“Mm, mm, some would say being nice is better than an apology!”

“I’ll just need to tell him to cheer up!”

“Cheer up!”

“Think positively!”

“Look on the bright side!”

Crown cleared her throat.

“Oi, John!”

JohnWillStab looked over to Crown.

“Quit being a fucking retard!” she said with a smile.

“…”

“…”

JohnWillStab looked even more depressed.

“FUCK, she saw through my plan!” he thought, this entire time he was eyeing the ring of salt.

JohnWillStab stood up.

“I will say this plainly, I wish to eat my stew with salt!”

JohnWillStab placed a hand over his heart.

“Since the dawn of time – food was the main driving force for humanity, the ability to preserve food was no small part in the transition between nomadic people and stationary tribes!”

“In other words, it is thanks to salt that we could develop law, currency, philosophy!”

JohnWillStab clenched his fists.

“And so… it is thanks to salt that we have developed technologies like computers, televisions and the homes in which you lived!” John continued.

“A lack of salt in the diet can cause muscle cramps, vomiting and nausea!”

“You could end up in a coma or dead!”

“When one sheds tears, be it tears of joy or sorrow, both are filled with salt!”

“The sea! A vast expanse of life, countless eco-systems, all dependant on salt!”

“Salt is what unifies all creatures!”

JohnWillStab shut his eyes.

“And so, like a mountain goat climbing a cliff which could crumble away and lead to my death at any moment – I will climb to that one salt deposit in the rock!”

“Food without salt is nothing but an insult to any chef, go ahead, find me one consumable item without salt!”

“Ice-cream, yoghurts, even chocolates!”

“And so, I ask you, is it really so wrong for me to seek the blessed cocaine of gods? Should I truly be condemned by those who would turn their back on mother nature and the very reason we could live long enough to be isekaid?”

“There is no higher degree of arrogance than to look back at the white, grainy, crystalline stairs that let you get this high, and scoff at them!”

“The audacity to laugh in the face of the one thing that will always be by you! The item that throughout history, be it forty-thousand years ago or now, is all but required for us to live!”

John breathed a sigh.

“It is true that salt can also bring harm, a saltwater fish won’t survive in fresh water and vice-versa,”

“It is true that salt can bring about heart disease,”

“That it can dehydrate you,”

John will stab pointed all around him.

“But is it not true that everything can do that?!”

“The very air around you! Hyperventilation can cause brain damage! So, can holding your breath.”

“So can the water you are mostly made form, and I don’t only mean drowning! Drinking too much water can cause swelling in the brain and seizures!”

“Even protein is deadly, protein poisoning, while hard to achieve isn’t impossible!”

“Every vitamin can kill you in excess!”

JohnWillStab spoke even louder.

“So why, I ask you, why is salt the victim of this injustice?! Why can we not say that everything is bad when consumed in large quantities?!”

“Why must we target salt of all thing?! Is it not our responsibility as a people, as an empire build from salt, to inform others of the truth?!”

Everyone remained quiet.

JohnWillStab stood there, fully serious, the only sound the cracking from the fireplace.

“John…” Crown began.

This time her message came through clear as day,

“Quit being a retard…”

“Oh… ok…” JohnWillStab sat back down.

Suddenly, several wet footsteps could be heard in the distance.