《The Girl in the Abyss》Update
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Update
Since reaching trending my story has received a lot of feedback. I’ve been struggling with writing now that such glaring issues have been pointed out, so I have decided I will do a lot of changes.
I’m hoping to take this time to ask those who have read my story to point out things that should be addressed. My current to-do list can be found below.
Pacing: This is the most common criticism and to be honest I am having a hard time with it. Suggestions on this matter would be greatly appreciated. Friendly to quick: I am going to rewrite that those bound to her cant lie about bad things. It was kind of in place already Ellie just wasn’t fully aware. I am thinking of making it a skill, so it's clearly stated. Examples would be Kenneth could say he is fine when he is not fine, and that would not trigger the lie detection since it's about him. If he were to say “I’m not going to shoot you.” As he was about to pull the trigger, then it would trigger the lie detection. LitRPG stuff is getting in the way: Ellie gains a lot of skills most of which will not show their relevance until later. I will move stuff that’s not required at that moment to a status log at the bottom of each chapter. Torture time Part 2: I’m going to rewrite the intro to this part so that the events take place outside the cooking guild. The catalyst will be the gruesome and mangled body of Harrison in their shared room. I will also make Morfran’s desires for death powers clearer which is why he did all of this. Ellie’s trust in Safe Haven: She clings to people who are kind to her. I don’t think I will be changing this part, but suggestions are welcome. Foreshadowing more. Clearer motivation eailer on.
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In the meantime, I am going to do a simple story with 2k word chapters to try and improve before returning to ‘The Girl in the Abyss.’ This story is very precious to me, and I want the changes to make it the best it can be.
Thank you for reading my story,
Lumia / Amber
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8 125 - In Serial10 Chapters
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" Ah... I'm sorry my love. I can't save you in the end..." Leaving such teary parting words. The girl's mother dropped the bloody hand that was carresing her daughter's cheek. At least, she breathed her last in the loving arms of her miracle of a daughter. As for the girl... Her life was shattered and her fury was immesurable. Vying for the destruction of the world as a final gift for her mother, the girl unfolded her ashen wings. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- When asked what do they feel about the endangered world, they replied: ' They deserved it, saved me the trouble of making another Flood.' A petite girl lying on a sofa, watching Tom and Jerry, replied. ' About damn time! I'm just glad I don't have to hit the reset button myself.' A tall girl, drinking whiskey in a nighclub, laughed that she escaped her responsibility. During the interview, they were asked whether or not they will intervene: ' Heaven/Hell no! If we did that then we won't even have a roof to call it home!' ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- System Login detected. Serial number: 31052000. User ID: To be decided. Detecting first-time login, connecting Serial number: 31052000 to--- *ERROR* *ERROR* *ERROR RESOLVED* Connecting Serial number: 31052000 to Admin. Connection established. " Hello there, Serial number: 31052000. On behalf of the Chief God's dimension, I hereby will be referred to as Admin sincerely welcome you! For you are now the newest Chief God's Avatar!" " Eh... I don't get it but thank you for your warm welcome, Admin." The girl bowed to the invisible Admin. " 100 Exchange points will be granted to Serial number: 31052000 for being very polite!" The Admin said with genuine glee. " Eh? I thank you again, I guess?" " 50 Exchange points will be granted to Serial number: 31052000 for being very polite again!" Again, the Admin felt very happy. " ... Is this ok?" The girl asked no one in particular. After all, she died with all those who knew her perished under her hands.
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8 64
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