Chapter 89 - The Ass of Draxas

Leon coughed out another mouthful of water, cursing at whichever idiot had the bright idea to make the last trench twice as long as the other ones. He had smashed through all the other walls just fine - if the fierce, throbbing pain in his shoulder could be considered such - but after busting through the final wall he had been treated to a face-full of water, nose first.

Clawing his way out of the pool, Leon snarled at the ragdoll lamb he carried in his hand. The squiggly line it carried for a smile seemed distinctly mocking now, as if even the stupid doll were laughing at Leon’s misfortunes.

They were legion, these misfortunes. Even now, he could hear a couple dozen of them closing on him from behind. They didn’t even bother to mask the noise of their approach. Instead, they sounded rather pissed off, which Leon could not for the life of him understand why. The falling wall hadn’t even hit them, and besides, it wasn’t as if Leon were the one chasing after them with a full arsenal of deadly magical swords tucked into every nook and cranny of his body.

“That’s fine, as long as I can get this damn water out of my boots, I can tak-”

The thought withered and died right then and there, as Leon arrived at the next obstacle: a whole goddamn pool of water, which apparently he was supposed to traverse with fairy-like dainty little footsteps upon the dozen or so floating platforms spread about.

Each platform was only around four feet in diameter, and there was simply no way it would bear his massive weight. The roaring drew closer, and Leon knew he was out of time.

As Leon snarled even more curses at the fiendish idiot who had designed this whole obstacle course with only midgets in mind, he tried to gather as much momentum as he could and leapt off the edge of the pool. Soaring through the air, Leon tried to imagine himself an airy wind spirit, drifting through the breeze and just barely brushing against the surface of the nearest circular platform before pushing himself off toward the next platform.

“Hey, this is working! Maybe this is what the power of the mind can achie-”

The rest of this whimsical thought was drowned out by the murky water which opened up its maw to swallow him whole when the platform under his feet decided that no, it definitely could not take the massive weight of Leon’s body upon its dainty little surface. It upended Leon and sent him sprawling face-first into the pool’s brackish depths.

For a few seconds, Leon allowed himself to indulge in a very rich and colorful display of the foulest language known to man within the confines of the Free Duchies. Sadly, it was all drowned out by the foul water rushing down his gullet.

Sputtering and coughing, Leon finally surfaced and began to make for the far end of the pool with a strong breaststroke. He had learned to swim early on, and it now served him well as he swiftly made progress, all the while trying to ignore the sticky water that clung to his skin as insistently as fleas flocking to a beggar.

“At the very least, all this water should keep them damn cats off my back.”

Leon figured that at least it was a small victory, and he would take what he could get. Such optimistic thoughts were rudely cut off by several splashes coming from behind his back. A shiver ran down his spine as he glanced over his shoulder.

The goat-fucking bastard cats did not even pause before leaping high into the air and diving straight into the water. They broke through the surface with hardly a ripple compared to their girth, and they resurfaced even faster than Leon had. They met his gaze with a vicious hunter’s stare, almost making Leon shout out that this was not supposed to be personal, but rather a simple friendly game.

What made Leon almost faint was when they began to weave their way through the water like they were water serpents instead of flaming cats.

“Cats are supposed to be afraid of water, you idiots!”

Heedless, nearly ten snowblade tigers had already jumped into the water, with more following right behind. After seeing their swimming speed, Leon knew he was badly outmatched. Raising his eyes towards the far end of the pool, Leon knew he would never make it in time at this pace.

As if they had reached the same conclusion, a few of the tigers following Leon began to let out high-pitched growls, which sounded distinctly celebratory to his ears.

“Hell no, you don’t. Not while I have anything to say about it!”

Leon reached out and grasped one of the platforms with his arm. Using the other arm to brace himself in the water, Leon cried out as veins bulged out of his neck. The entire platform came clear out of the water, the whole four feet disk made of sturdy wood. Leon hefted it in his hand for a single moment, before letting out a roar and flinging it as he would a skipping stone along the surface of the water towards his would-be captors.

The first unfortunate victim of his throw was a cat Leon recognized. It was Thrasher, though he had later come to know his real name was Tipsy. The poor snowblade tiger barely had time to let out a strangled shriek before hastily diving underneath the water. The wooden platform still hit its rump with a solid thump, before bouncing off and continuing to skip along the water. Several other tigers were barely in time to dodge out of the way or dive into the water, avoiding Tipsy’s fate.

Tipsy himself surfaced mere moments later, but his face was contorted with pain as he howled and feebly began to swim away from Leon. All the other snowblade tigers paused for one long moment while they took all of this in, before resuming their chase at a far less eager pace than before.

Leon thought that this was a happy trend he should definitely encourage, and so he kept swimming from platform to platform. Each time, he took the time to pick up each disk and threw it with all his might, sending howling tigers scampering away and giving himself even more breathing room.

“That’s right. Run, you rat-sack bastards. Run before I shove four feet of moldy wood up your arse!”

Almost as if they could read his mind - or perhaps it was the crazy look on his face - the snowblade tigers gave Leon a wide berth as the fire summoner leisurely climbed up the other end of the pool. Though his boots squished with his every step and his sense of smell had shorted out a long time ago, he still couldn’t resist raising the ragdoll lamb high over his head.

“Come at me, you bitches!”

A massive collective roar answered him, sending him reeling back as all the snowblade tigers converged upon his position like a vast tide of white. Cursing under his breath and admitting that taunting his enemy when he was outnumbered twenty-to-one might not be the brightest idea he ever had, Leon hurriedly turned around and began the long crawl up Muddy Slope.

This was a slanted hill with mud running all over its surface. There were no footholds and nothing to grip, as Leon immediately found out when he slid and fell flat on his back as soon as he took his first steps on the slope. He unceremoniously slid right back to the bottom of the incline. Craning his head back from where he lay, he could see the first of the tigers nearing the end of the pool.

“Just how the hell do those Farrow monkeys make it up this damn mudslide?”

Leon squinted for a moment, then growled as he summoned his elemental power to the surface of his skin. Such concentrated fire essence immediately produced a red-hot glow that radiated from his hands. Leon then paced back a few steps before running forward and jumping as far up the slope as he could. When he was about to land, Leon clenched his fire-charged fingers into fists and pounded upon the slope with a furious roar.

Mud flew all around him with a thunderous crack, and what little remained hardened instantly into clay. Leon nodded in grim satisfaction as he placed his foot upon the jagged scar his fists had left. As soon as he found stable footing, he roared once more and pounded away at the slope. Inch by inch, Leon began to make his way up the slope, sending sizzling mud and splinters of clay raining down all around himself.

“Hah, let’s see you element-less freaks try to imitate this.”

Leon had only made it up halfway up the long slope, when he finally heard the first of the tigers approaching from behind. When he glanced back, Leon saw that the tigers didn’t even look as if they would slow down. Getting a really bad feeling, Leon crouched low where he was and picked up a handful of mud. It instantly began to steam and boil from the fire essence in his hands.

Leon managed not to gape as the first of the snowblade tigers launched itself high into the air, climbing nearly forty feet up the slope in one single leap. Just below each of its claws, Leon saw the glimmer of a single snowblade peeking out. When the tiger landed upon the muddy hill, it barely slid forward a few inches, obviously secured by the snowblades it had stabbed down into the slope.

It lifted its gaze to meet Leon’s with an almost human-like smugness to its expression. It was only too tragic that Leon had no time for silly games - not anymore. When the snowblade tiger looked up, it was met with a faceful of boiling hot mud that splashed against its mouth and scalded its sensitive nose.

Howling in more surprise than pain, the startled cat clutched at its face with its paws. It immediately lost grip on the slope and began to slide down the hill. The cat itself was past caring, however, as it frenziedly scrubbed away at the drying clay on its face, all the while letting out miserable yowls.

The rest of the snowblade tigers let out a collective hiss as they skidded to a stop right at the foot of the hill. They looked up at Leon, who had stopped climbing altogether, and instead lounged back on his heels while holding a steaming pile of bubbling mud in each of his hands. The grin that split his face was perhaps the first genuinely happy expression he had shown during this entire awful ordeal.

“That’s right, you bastards. Whoever wants a handful of melt-your-face-shit, step right on up.” Leon graced the pile of mud he had already collected by his side with an almost fond pat. “Plenty more where that came from.”

The snowblade tigers hissed and growled at Leon, but he didn’t give a rat’s ass what they thought. They dare presume they could toy around with the Lion of Draxas like he was their little plaything? They had another thing coming to them!

“Um, Big bro, I’m not sure if that’s really allowed..”

“The fat ox is cheating!”

“Ah, technically, technically he still hasn’t used any spells, right? Ha. Ha.”

Leon affected not to hear. In fact, he was gratified to see that the tigers began to advance once again, only very slowly, and even more cautiously. Grinning to himself, Leon turned around and began climbing once more, not forgetting to throw the occasional clump of boiling mud behind - just in case.

By the time he reached the top of the slope, he was far ahead of the tigers. Glancing back over his shoulder with a self-satisfied smirk, Leon squared his shoulders as he faced the rope he must walk on. He would face whatever he must courageously and with his head held high. It was time to show these upstart household cats the mettle of the House of Draxas.

Unfortunately, by the time he took three steps, he had already slipped off the damn rope and was barely clinging on to it with shaking arms. Leon decided that a little leeway could be negotiated as far as what holding your head high could mean. After all, he remarked judiciously to himself as he gazed down at the ground three stories below his dangling toes, his whole body was suspended pretty damn high right now.

“Hang on, Leon. You can do this! Just, ah, crawl forward if you must. But hurry!”

“Easy for you to say. This is freaking high and all those extra servings of mashed potato are not seating really well in my stomach right now.”

Leon grunted with the effort as he endeavored to lift his feet up so he could hook up his ankles together above the rope. Once he was done, he breathed deeply and began to slowly crawl his way forward.

“Good job Leon. Well done, but you gotta listen to me, buddy. You need start moving NOW!”

Leon shook his head in vexation. What did the dumb turnip farmer mean by..?

RIP!

There was barely a fleeting sense of an object lightly brushing against his butt. Then Leon felt fresh and free like he hadn’t felt in a long time now. A cool breeze fluttered through his skin and he began to wonder idly why he was trying so damn hard.

“Eww! Gross!”

“Holy crap..”

“Kass, cover your eyes! Ah, you too Reik. And you, Leon. Get your hairy, naked ass moving!”

The idle smile on Leon’s face froze, then melted away as he hooked his elbow around the rope and sent his other hand questing down towards his butt. His eyes suddenly bulged as he felt a substantial tear through the fabric of his breeches. Cold air blew directly against his exposed butt-cheeks, and Leon nearly let go of his other hand right there and then.

“You fecking rotten monkey loving goat raping rat sack bastard cats!”

Leon’s vision turned red and only through a supreme effort of will did he just barely keep himself from summoning Draco right then and there so he could rain a fiery Armageddon and scour the world free of the damnable cats once and for all.

“Shit, here comes another one!”

Leon barely managed to get both hands on the rope and hugged it as tightly as he could. He could feel the wind from the snowblade tiger’s claws as they passed not two inches from his exposed ass before his attacker fell back down.

“Leon, more cats are on the way. Hurry!”

“Shit shit shit!”

Leon cursed all three generations of cats and their patron gods, all the while crawling along the rope as quickly as he could. He resembled a caterpillar industriously inching its way forward, all the while a group of ten snowblade cats gleefully took turns to leap and swipe their paws at his hairy butt.

Each time Leon would barely repress a howl and hitch his butt up as high as he could while clinging to the rope with both arms. By the time he finally reached the halfway point, two or three tigers were leaping at the same time, all the while the rest of the tigers howled in what sounded suspiciously like laughter in Leon’s ears.

“Fuck this, this should be close enough. I’m done with this farce!”

Leon growled as he summoned his fire essence into one hand and grasped the rope behind his feet. In mere moments the rope began smoking, then finally snapped. Gritting his teeth, Leon clung to the rope as he rapidly sank down through and past the disbelieving stares of all the snowblade tigers. The rope swung his weight in a wide pendulum, bearing him along in a blur of motion. He had to lift his feet up high in order to avoid touching the ground, and he could only choke back the bitter tears that came to his eyes as he felt the cold wind slapping against his bare buttcheeks.

When he was finally past the wooden pole that marked the end of the rope dash, Leon immediately let go and landed with a quick roll off his feet. The first order of business as soon as he stood back up was to summon more fire essence to his hand and draw the tips of his fingers around the edges of the tear - fuck me, tears - in his breeches, melting the rips closed.

“Damn perverted cats, just how many cuts did they make?”

The useless, hateful little lamb doll still lay snuggly secured against his chest, and Leon had to struggle for a brief moment against the near-irresistible urge to slam it to the ground and stomp it to oblivion.

“Run Leon!”

“Shut up, it’s all your damn fau-”

Leon stopped with a start as he glanced over his shoulder and saw the great avalanche of white fur converging on his position. Then he shut up and began running as fast as his legs could take him. Thank god, there was no more breeze snuggling up against his butt.

He had made it to the castle, at long last. Leon rushed forward only to find the entrance tightly guarded by a pair of snowblade tigers. Shrugging, Leon slammed into the wall right in front of him. The massive impact shook the whole structure, sending the startled tigers scurrying for cover. Leon smashed right through the wooden wall as if it were mere kindling, his fire-reinforced shoulder charge leading the way.

The startled cats tried to give chase, but Leon simply pulled down and brought the cracked remains of the wooden support pillars down on top of the stairs. The two tigers barely had time to scramble out of the building in time.

Meanwhile, Leon had already made it to the top of the battlements, and he was rushing forward at full speed. From both sides, Leon could hear scrabbling noises of razor-sharp claws climbing the wooden wall. Leon rushed to one of the crenelated walls and kicked firmly when he saw a paw reaching the top of the wall. That portion of the wall broke off with a sharp crack, and the cat could only let out a startled howl as it lost its grip and fell back down. Then he picked up a broken piece of timber and swung it against another cat’s paw that had also nearly reached the top. His strike landed with a muffled crack, producing a howl of pain as the tiger jumped back and fell to the ground.

Leon repeated the same process as he continued to dash along the wall, causing a growing echo of startled hisses and furious howls to rise in the wake of his passing. Like a terrifying demon, Leon defended this stretch of wall like his depended on it, and if the feverish grin on his face was growing more evil by the second, he was past caring at this point.

“Big bro, I can’t watch anymore. Big bro Leon is too scary.”

“Hateful brute, he’s just tearing everything down like a wild beast.”

“Ahem. No, kids. Your big brother Leon is just showing you how to defend yourself in case you’re besieged by an army of-”

“Cute little cats?”

“Defenseless household pets?”

“Ahem, an army of deadly enemies intent on your eradication. Soon, your wise big brother Leon will realize just how pissed off the twenty six three-thousand pound snowblade tigers are, and wisely decide that it is time to make a break for it before he’s got snowblades crawling up his arse.”

That last remark wilted the silly grin right off Leon’s face. He took off running while a rising chorus of furious roars echoed from all around his ears. Jumping off the edge of the wall, he caught hold of a rope and swung himself as far away as he could, all the while praying that the tigers would dismantle the wall first before they came to dismantle him.

“Maybe I got just a little too carried away.”

Loud crashing sounds and angry cries rang out at his back, and his face paled even further as he began to realize just how pissed off the cats were. Fortunately, they seemed to busy for now, tearing down the entire wall as they looked for the object of their hate. It seems Leon had been defending the wall so zealously that the cats couldn’t imagine that he would have left so easily now.

Reaching the base of the climbing wall, Leon began to rush up without any hesitation. His long arms and strong grip let him make quick progress. He had nearly reached the top of the wall by the time he heard outraged howls rising from the base of the wall. A chorus of similar calls immediately answered, and Leon’s face blanched as he saw murder in the eyes of twenty six snowblade tigers with their bone-blades flickering out in a deadly dance as they closed upon the wall.

“Holy shit, they mean business now.”

Leon immediately completed the climb and rushed off to the nearest sled. Each sled was a simple wooden disk about five feet long by three feet wide. He was about to jump right on top of it and take off when he saw the snowblade tigers already rushing up the sides of the slope, their snowblades glistening menacingly under the sun as they took up position to cut him off.

Cursing under his breath, Leon gathered all five sleds present at the top of the slope. Stacking four of them in his arms, Leon gingerly hopped on top of the last one. It slowly slid forward, but then picked up momentum incredibly fast. The first snowblade tiger was almost on top of him by that time, but Leon simply threw one of the sleds in his arms at it. It struck the pouncing tiger straight in the jaw, knocking it aside with stars in its eyes.

Another tiger leapt from the right, but Leon once again flung a sled expertly against its head. It smashed the sled apart with its claws, but the movement twisted its body off target and Leon slid past without further problems. The next tiger was more careful, sliding toward Leon in a predatory crouch, ready to block the sled with its shoulders.

Leon shrugged, lifting a sled and pretending to throw it. At the last moment, however, he dug into the slope with the sleds in his hands. This immediately swerved him wide of the flummoxed tiger, who could only watch as Leon circled around it with effortless ease. The next few tigers were knocked off his path with more expert throws, or by feinting a throw, then avoiding the confrontation altogether.

By the time Leon was out of sleds, he was nearly at the goal line. Only one final tiger stood in his way, near the end of the slope. It seemed to gloat at Leon’s empty hands as it awaited him with drawn snowblades.

Leon sighed as he rolled over, his back sliding against the slope while his hands lifted up the sled he had been sitting on. The startled tiger barely had time to widen its eyes before the spinning disk of wood shattered against its paws, sending it crashing to the side.

Leon slid by without a hitch, finally reaching the final platform with a feral grin upon his face.

He stood up and clutched the torn and soiled ragdoll lamb in his hand, lifting it high overhead and turning toward the waiting figures of the Farrow siblings. Mere inches separated him from the finish line. A couple steps, and victory would be his.

“Hell yeah! And that’s how it’s done!”

Leon laughed at the embarrassed expressions on all three faces, as they couldn’t even meet his eyes at the moment.

“Haha, that’s what you get for not believing in me. I told you I could do it. It was easy. Like taking a candy from a baby. No sweat at all!”

“Uh, Leon..”

“Wait, let me finish. I thought you’d actually have a challenge for me. Hah! This is a playground for kids. Next time, try to have a more worthy challenge ready, will you?”

“Ah, Leon..”

“What? You’re sorry? You regret ever doubting me? You wish to learn from my incredible audacity and courage?”

“Ah, Leon..”

“What? Spit it out already!”

“Um, Leon..”

“Ugh, just tell him he’s standing with his hairy buttcheeks flying all over the wind already!”

Leon turned to gape at Kassandra, who was completely red-faced and resolutely avoided his gaze. Then he turned to Reikard, who was digging into the ground with his foot, also refusing to look up.

Only Skyle walked up to him and clasped a hand over his shoulder.

“It’s alright, Leon. We’ve seen all manner of asses in this farm. All the time. Hogs, horses, goats, snowblade tigers..”

The lamb ragdoll fell from nerveless hands as Leon clutched at the rear of his breeches and felt only naked skin. Only then did he realize that the last stretch when he had slid past the final tiger must have ripped the tears in his breeches open again.

Skyle gave his friend an encouraging pat on the back.

“Don’t worry Leon. We’re all family here. No one ever has to know.”

“But they will,” Kassandra giggled. “We’ll make sure of it, Lord Ass of Draxas.”

Reikard burst out laughing at that. “Big bro Leon, that’s what family is for.”

Even the corners of Skyle’s lips began twitching at that, but his voice was gravely as he stared into Leon’s eyes.

“Those are some very robust ass-cheeks you’ve got there, princess. Be a shame not to share such fame with the world. At least it is funnier than Ox of Draxas, right?”

Leon’s knees gave out under him, and the world began turning pitch black. It was only then that he heard scrabbling noises near him.

Turning his head with the very last of his strength, Leon saw Ash casually walking up to his side, then pick up the discarded ragdoll lamb in his mouth. Then he moved forward to sit on his haunches right next to Leon, looking down with an insufferably smug expression on his face.

“Shit..”