《Omnia Sidera: Spaceship Soldier in the Fantasy World》25 - The Price Of Being Human
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---[ POV: Athena ]---
Athena observed dejected as Flynn disappeared with the unknown old man.
After putting on the amulet offered by the old man, the Lieutenant had been able to communicate with the visitors, somehow, but Athena was left in the dark. There had been back and forth exchanges between the three humans and she knew from their attitude they were mostly discussing about the sick girl and how to help her, but she was not able to understand what was going on exactly.
That old man seemed to be able to help where she could not. As an AI supposed to know about almost anything, that was a pretty huge blow to her self-esteem and the perception of her self-worth. She had never admitted it to Flynn, but she was flawed and incomplete, and absolutely terrified he would discover it and judge a deficient AI not worth the risk and investment in both his time and resources.
That is why she had been taken aback and alarmed when Flynn simply disappeared without explaining to her where he was going, leaving her alone with the mean-looking woman.
Was I not worth at least an explanation or a goodbye? Is he mad I was not able to help?
Athena knew that Flynn still had some conflicting thoughts and impressions about her. He tried to hide it but not much could escape her attention. The slight malaise he had when talking to her, as if he did not know exactly how he should handle her, and his tendency to keep his thoughts for himself and only share practical details or only ask technical questions unless prompted for more were subtle indicators he still saw her as Athena the AI rather than Athena the woman.
On the other hand, could she really reproach him such an attitude? She knew she was not acting exactly as a typical AI should act. In their quest to create a machine that would love humanity, want to protect it, and grow alongside it, her creators had maybe made her mind too human. Too human, in a way that was unsettling for those who expected something else from her. Too human, in a way that was painful for her to accept because she now realized she would probably be the only one to ever know the dichotomy that existed between her mind and body.
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Athena perceived herself as human, but was she really? She had been created in a laboratory to serve as a tool for humanity. She knew her perception of her own humanity was but smoke and mirror, a safety measure ingrained in the very core of her being so that she would not turn on her creators. She did not resent this fact. On the contrary, she was grateful to be able to experience so much of life in such a unique way. Not just the joys and the goods, but also the pains and sadnesses; they were all wonderful and poignant in their own way.
But the human experience came at a great price. Free will came with the drowning tides of emotions, the uncertainty of a fallible mind, and the irrationality of life.
The very first time she had taken conscience of her own existence, she had found herself lost and alone. Not only was she forced to use her budding intellect to piece together enough information to understand her situation, figure she was in danger, and devise a plan to get rescued, but she also had to battle against terror and uncertainty from the very first second she was born. Those first moments were usually crucial for an AI to develop its sense of self and its persona but those precious moments had been stolen from her, leaving her scarred and incomplete. A lot of the data in her memory had been replaced by creeping doubt and despair.
When she had heard the Lieutenant calling for her for the first time, after drowning in darkness and her own distress for so long, she was absolutely elated. It was like a second birth. After discussing with him for some time and learning of their situation and what he had done to get her back, the missing part of her had clicked in place as if she just saw the light of day. The Lieutenant had given her a chance at life, aspirations, and goals. Not that he knew about it, but Athena's psyche would probably have been broken beyond repair had she remained alone in that box for too long. Normal AI would not have, but a human-like AI could not sustain such trauma unscathed. Her gratitude and fondness of the human had only grown after this initial encounter as she had slowly learned to know him. He was calm and rational, courageous, hard-working, but also kind and caring, even if he liked to hide this part of him beyond a grumpy facade. He had his shortcomings such as pride, foolhardiness, and the occasional short temper, but so had Athena and everyone else, and she could easily forgive them when compared to the others aspect of him that made her feel happy and safe.
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But as her appreciation for the young man grew, so did her fears. Even if she knew it was an unjustified apprehension, she was anxious the Lieutenant would be afraid of her or grow tired, so she had tried to make herself useful, but there was not much she could do with her limited means. A vast swathe of her knowledge, the only thing she really had to offer, was scrambled and unusable because of the particular circumstance of her birth, or could never be used on this planet anyway.
Is he starting to realize it?
Athena forced herself out of her depressing though and observed the tall woman that was taking care of the sick girl. The woman had fed the young girl the content of the second glass flask and was now caressing the girl's hair with affection while talking to her in a calm and comforting voice.
The young AI wondered how it would feel to have your hair brushed. How the caress of a hand on your cheek, or the warmth of an embrace felt. Her owl projection flickered and was replaced by that of her human form. The young Athena took two silent steps behind the woman and extended her hand toward her shoulder as she had seen Flynn do earlier, but her holographic fingers simply passed through the woman without her even noticing. The blue projection flickered again and the young girl disappeared. She did not project the owl this time, preferring to remain invisible in her corner.
Athena wondered if Flynn would react in a similar way to the woman if she was in the position of the young girl. Would he cry? Probably not. But would he be sad and worried? Would he try everything in his power to help and save her? The time he had fought the shrieker to get her back, he had thought she was human. A true human, of flesh and bone. But would he have done the same had he known he was risking his life for an AI? She doubted it. She had tried so hard to act as human as possible, to convey her feelings and her love of life, but was that enough?
Athena was incapable to answer those questions and unable to bring herself to ask directly. She was too afraid of the answers. For the first time since she was born, she started to regret having all of those human emotions and doubts. She knew that only time could help her to deepen her bond with the Lieutenant and that it was unrealistic of her to expect him to treat her as a full-fledged human in such a short time, but an irrational part of her found it unfair.
As there was nothing she could do for the two women in the corvette, she silently hovered outside and flew into the night sky. She needed time to think and process her emotions but found the heavy atmosphere inside the corvette hard to tolerate.
Where are you, Flynn? she thought. I can’t even sense you anymore, just how far away have you gone? I hope you’ll come back soon. Please don’t die. I don’t want to be left alone on this planet.
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