I practically waddled into the armory, I was so stuffed with mana. I felt bloated, and I wasn’t quite sure how that wasn’t reflected in my form. Of course, I don’t really have a form outside my core… come to think of it, how do my minions see me?

Urp… ooh, I’ll worry about that later. Right now, if I don’t spend some of this mana, I think I might actually barf. Somehow. And I really don’t want to find out how that would work, either.

Ignoring Wilhelm, the revenant standing at one of the workbenches whilst wiping down his spear with a rag, I floated over to the first weapons cabinet, the one facing the door. Opening the armory menu, I bought four more muskets, along with the accompanying bayonets and ammunition supplies, and placed it all in the cabinet. I let out a sigh of relief as the sensation of being overstuffed lessened somewhat, but I was still more than ten times over my mana limit.

So, still with plenty of mana left to burn, I began purchasing braces of each weapon available in the armory menu. There were a few new things in the menu, likely from the lizardmen that had attacked me, and I happily purchased them as well.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 35/35 Mana 203/55]

[Pirate Cutlass purchased. -20 Mana]

[Pirate Cutlass purchased. -20 Mana]

[Steel Hunting Knife purchased. -15 Mana]

[Steel Hunting Knife purchased. -15 Mana]

[Steel Hatchet purchased. -15 Mana]

[Steel Hatchet purchased. -15 Mana]

[Ebony Macahuitl purchased. -10 Mana]

[Ebony Macahuitl purchased. -10 Mana]

[Two-Handed Ebony Macahuitl purchased. -15 Mana]

[Two-Handed Ebony Macahuitl purchased. -15 Mana]

[Obsidian Spear purchased. -10 Mana]

[Obsidian Spear purchased. -10 Mana]

[Obsidian Axe purchased. -10 Mana]

[Obsidian Axe purchased. -10 Mana]

[Rosewood Flatbow purchased. -15 Mana]

[Rosewood Flatbow purchased. -15 Mana]

[Quiver of Obsidian Arrows purchased. -10 Mana]

[Quiver of Obsidian Arrows purchased. -10 Mana]

[Ebony Club purchased. -10 Mana]

[Ebony Club purchased. -10 Mana]

[Flintlock Pistol purchased. -20 Mana]

[Flintlock Pistol purchased. -20 Mana]

[Sack of Musket Balls purchased. -10 Mana]

[Sack of Musket Balls purchased. -10 Mana]

[Powder Horn Purchased. -10 Mana]

[Powder Horn Purchased. -10 Mana]

[Box of Cartridge Paper Purchased. -10 Mana]

As the cabinets and containers filled up with new weapons, I let out a sigh of relief. Oh, that was much, much, much better. I was still feeling overly full, but now I didn’t feel like immediately vomiting.

Still don’t want to know what that would look like, thank you very much.

“Meine Güte!”

I heard a shout of surprise, followed by the crashing of metal upon metal. Hovering around the mast, I found Wilhelm sprawled out on the deck, one foot propped up on an upset barrel and his helmet askew.

Wilhelm? Are you alright?

“Vhat? Ja, ja, I’m fine,” Wilhelm deflected, flailing about as he struggled to get back to his feet. “I vas just startled, is all. Verdammte Rüstung…”

As I watched Wilhelm struggle to get up, I looked around. Startled, he said. What was there to be startled…oh. My gaze focused on a pistol and a cutlass on the workbench where Wilhelm had been working. Those had definitely not been there before. Wilhelm must have jumped backwards and stumbled over that barrel when the two weapons spawned. Whoops.

That’s my bad, I apologized, reaching out and setting Wilhelm upright. I guess I hadn’t really thought that through.

“Quite alright,” Wilhelm assured me, dusting himself off before bending over and retrieving his spear from the floor. “But, again, I vould appreciate some varning next time, ja?”

Jawohl, I agreed.

“Güt. Now, raus! I have to inventory all zhis!” And with that, Wilhelm promptly shooed me out the armory and closed the door behind me.

Did…did I just get kicked out of my own armory? Well, that’s a fine how’d’ya do.

Feeling a bit miffed, I floated away from the armory door, only to pause as I took in the tree trunk sticking halfway through a hole in the portside hull.

Oh my God, I forgot about the logs. How did I forget about the logs? They only put holes in my ship and knocked down my mast. Not like they kidnapped my firstborn and killed my wife… okay, a bit dark with the metaphors there, but you know what I mean.

Scowling, I hovered over to the offending log, absorbing it and then erasing the damage it left.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 35/35 Mana 218/55]

[Coconut Log absorbed. +20 Mana]

[Hull repaired. -5 Mana]

Hah, you see that, Log? I have defeated you and I’m talking to an inanimate object that no longer exists. I do hope that isn’t a sign of impending madness.

Ugh, anyways, back to fixing my mana overdose… overdose. Oh God, I’m too pretty to do drugs!

Hmm… okay, yep, definitely a sign of madness. I’m not sure how to feel about that.

More cheese!

…

Eesh, I think all that extra mana might be going to my head. Right-o, let’s summon some minions to drain that pain, get my brain operational again.

Rhyming. Fun.

Let’s start with some gunners. Mullroy and Murtogg got… transferred, after all. Hopefully their replacements aren’t as excitable.

Open the minions menu and…

[Minions]

[Avians]

[Seagull: 10 Mana]

[Dire Gull: 25 Mana]

[Beast Men]

[Lizardman Scout: 100 Mana]

[Crustaceans]

[Small Crab: 10 Mana]

[Giant Crab: 25 Mana]

[Fish]

[Small Barracuda: 100 Mana]

[Radiant Sunfish: 40 Mana]

[Saltwater Piranha: 10 Mana]

[Rocky Scorpionfish: 50 Mana]

[Dogfish: 50 Mana]

[Stingray: 30 Mana]

[Small Eel: 20 Mana]

[Megalodon: 3600 Mana]

[Reptiles]

[Coral Snake: 90 Mana]

[Undead]

[Undead Pirate Skeleton: 50 Mana]

Doo-dee-doo, and… huh. The categories have reorganized themselves. Alphabetical order. Convenient. Strange, but convenient. Let’s see… Avians, Beast Men… you know, I could summon a pair of lizardmen… nnh… no, no, maybe later. I think I’m going to stick to what I’m familiar with for now. Crustaceans, fish… wow, that’s a lot of fish, and… holy shit. Am I reading the price tag on megalodons right? Thirty-six hundred mana for a single fish. That is like… endboss level minion-ry, right there. Jesus. And the baby only gave me a hundred mana? I’m feeling a bit gipped right now.

Right, moving on. Reptiles… oh, hello coral snake. I don’t have a place in mind for you yet, so you just sit tight. And undead, here we go. Still only with undead pirate skeletons. Let’s just take two, and… boop-boop.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 35/35 Mana 118/55]

[Undead Pirate Skeleton summoned. -50 Mana]

[Undead Pirate Skeleton summoned. -50 Mana]

I watched as two skeletons pulled their way up out of the decking, hardly noting the warping sound that accompanied the birth of two new minions.

As with Mullroy and Murtogg, the skeletons were dressed in rags that had once been shorts and striped shirts. They were also unarmed, but that wasn’t so much a problem right now. However, the big thing, and this is what I really noticed first, is that one of the skeletons was a small mountain, so broad and so tall that he had to stoop, lest he knock his skull on the rafters of the deck above. Even his bones were absurdly thick. The other skeleton was short. As in, he was a midget, albeit a rather stocky one. He also had the scraggly remains of a beard on his chin, which was weird, because even Deadbeard didn’t have a beard.

You know, this begs the question of why my skeletons aren’t all identical. I mean, Deadbeard was summoned with a cutlass, Mullroy is skinny while Murtogg is somewhat big boned, and now I have Tiny and Napoleon here… Actually, those aren’t bad as far as names go.

So, welcome to Fort Kickass, I greeted my two new minions. I hereby dub thee Tiny, and thou art Napoleon, I said, naming the giant and the dwarf respectively. To start with, I’m going to have you two man the cannon down in the orlop deck.

As soon as I said the word ‘cannon,’ the newly-named Napoleon began hopping up and down, rubbing his hands together with glee. For his part, Tiny simply tilted his head to one side.

So, I continued. Head on down to the orlop deck, get acquainted with your cannon. Practice with it, figure out who’s going to do what… actually, don’t practice just yet. Just head down and familiarize yourself with everything.

Nodding slowly, Tiny lumbered towards the stairs, his head thunking hollowly against the rafters a few times as he failed to duck enough. Napoleon meanwhile, just kept hopping up and down and rubbing his hands together in glee, right up until Tiny picked him up one-handed by the top of his ribcage and kept on going.

I watched the two skeletons vanish down the stairs, Tiny unheeding of Napoleon’s fruitless flailing and kicking.

Well, that went well. But, I may have done Mullroy and Murtogg a disservice. After all, I did throw them into the deep end without giving them time to practice swimming. Then again, they did charge at heavily armed foes armed with little more than weighted sticks, so… yeah, kind of evens out. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that they didn’t have time to practice.

But, I think I can fix that. Well, if I still have the mana for it, that is.

Floating down through the wreck, I passed Tiny and Napoleon as Tiny trudged down the stairs with Napoleon still in hand, the smaller skeleton looking almost sullen as he hung limp like a cat held by the scruff. Taking amusement from the sight, I continued on and passed out into the orlop deck and then out into the open sun.

And there is the other log. Absorb.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 35/35 Mana 138/55]

[Coconut Log absorbed. +20 Mana]

Now, let’s see…I need space if my plan is to work out. Can I…?

I pressed up against the gates leading to the lagoon and a new popup appeared.

[Claim Lagoon? 100 Mana]

HA! HAhahahahaha! I can claim the lagoon…oy, but that pricetag. You know what? Screw it, YOLO, banzai, Geronimo, all that jazz! I’m-a do it!

Boop!

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 35/35 Mana 38/60]

[Lagoon claimed. -100 Mana]

[Mana Capacity +5]

I sputtered and flopped to the ground as the sensation of several drunken pygmies suddenly began dancing in my metaphorical skull. It was not a pleasant sensation at all, and if I had a mouth I’m pretty sure my teeth would be chattering like one of those wind-up teeth toys. Of course, the fact that the earth was shaking probably had something to do with it.

Honestly, I completely forgot that would happen.

When the earth and the sand finally stopped moving and the water of the lagoon stopped bouncing about like an epileptic plate of gelatin, the drunken pygmies finally passed out and I was able to get up off the ground.

I heard an impressed whistle, and it took me a moment to realize that I’d made that whistle, which was weird, because I didn’t have lips to whistle with.

Still, that whistle was appropriate.

Where before there was only a small pool enclosed by a wall of stone, now the entire lagoon stretched before me. It was… it was beautiful. The water was crystal clear, sparkling in the sun. The sands were no longer the color of a beached jellyfish but was instead a dazzling white now that the sun had dried it out. Dark, jagged rocks lined the north and south shores of the lagoon, but on the southern shore, colorful vines and creepers clung to the rocks while swaying palm trees sprouted from the sands. Around the perimeter of the lagoon, smooth rock walls rose from the sands, narrow strips of land separating the rock from the water. And across from me, directly opposite where it was before, my primordial gate loomed, torches blazing proudly.

Unfortunately, the view was somewhat marred by the charred boulder sitting smack in the middle of the shallows before me.

Grumbling at the offending piece of rock, I poked it, absorbing it for a neat ten mana. I stood back to absorb my handiwork.

Huh… those ripples look funny.

As it turns out, those ripples were actually Lusca, the giant octopus breaching gleefully before angling sharply into the depths of the newly-claimed lagoon.

A brief commotion at the other end of the lagoon drew my attention just in time to see Dexter scramble from the water, his crabby eyes wild and his claws clacking in distress. He scrabbled up against the closed gate and then turned around to stare at the lagoon in confusion. A few moments later, Sinister scuttled out of the lagoon and looked at Dexter. It was quite clearly a look of ‘what the heck is wrong with you,’ and I hadn’t the foggiest as to how a crab managed to emote that.

It was almost like watching a dog startle itself by farting, to be honest. Though in this case, I suspected that the ‘farting’ was actually instincts screaming about the presence of a predator. Of course, as usual, Sinister was completely oblivious to the potential dangers.

Silly crabs.

Metaphorically shaking my head, I floated over the lagoon to the other side, where my crabs were now looking about at the new walls in curiosity.

Okay guys, I called out, drawing my crabs’ attention. You can go back to scavenging now. Have fun, be good. And if you can’t be good, have fun.

Clacking their claws and waving their eyestalks in glee, the two giant crabs turned and made for the gate. Well, Dexter did. Sinister was so excited that he accidentally bounced off the wall next to the gate, though he recovered with remarkable aplomb and skittered out on the second try, pretending that absolutely nothing had happened. His nonchalant act wasn’t fooling anyone, though.

I shook my head again as the gates closed. Silly crabs.