It was a while before I stopped shouting and cursing at the lizardmen. When I finally subsided, I looked around at my shipwreck and grimaced before ultimately just letting out a sigh.

Well…this is a right mess. There’s corpses everywhere, blood is splattered over everything in sight, and to top it off, the mizzenmast is down again. Christ. Even with magical vacuum powers, this will take a while to clean up.

The now-familiar thump of chitin on wood sounded down below, heralding Sinister’s return. Of course my giant crab would get back after the fight was over. Well, let’s see what he’s got this time.

Floating down through the wreck, I drifted out into the sun to see my giant crab standing before the gate, holding something in his left claw, while his right claw reached down and…

Sinister, no! Put that down, you don’t know where it’s been!

Pausing with the lizardman corpse halfway to his mouth, Sinister stared at me. When I simply kept staring at him expectantly, he reluctantly dropped the body to the sand.

Good boy, I praised. Let’s see what you got this time.

Visibly wilting, Sinister slowly held out his left claw, presenting his catch to me. It was small, much smaller than any of his previous catches. But at the same time, it was just as terrifying; a four-foot-long snake with bands of red, yellow, and black. A coral snake. Nice.

As I reached out to absorb the snake though, I paused, taking in Sinister’s demeanor. Wait, is he…ashamed? Sinister, what’s wrong?

Sinister sidled abashedly, not meeting my gaze, before one of his legs kicked out and hit a dead lizardman. I stared at the corpse, then at my crab, the gears grinding away in my mind, until finally, the proverbial lightbulb went off. Did you stop hunting to come fight the lizardmen?

Sinister shifted up and down, in what I took to be ‘yes.’ Aw. I have no idea how my crab did it, but he somehow knew I was under attack and tried to come and fight for me.

I hovered forward, doing my best to give my giant crab a hug.

Thank you Sinister. You’re such a good boy.

Slowly, Sinister started wriggling, speeding up as he realized I was happy with him. Such a good crab.

Hey, is it just me, or is Sinister looking a bit…shiny? Eh, it’s probably just my imagination.

Reaching out, I poked the coral snake and absorbed it.

[Crushed Coral Snake absorbed. +45 Mana]

Huh. Not bad. That’s…why is it a four-foot snake nets me forty-five mana while a giant shark only nets me one-hundred?

…

Well, the snake does have venom… and the megalodon was a baby… thoughts for later.

Okay, Sinister, I commanded, shaking myself from my musings. I need you to put the hunting trips on hold for now. Go out into the lagoon and hide under the water. You’re on guard duty until I get everything back to normal.

Wriggling in delight, Sinister clacked his claws together and scurried out the gate, swiftly vanishing into the lagoon. Huh. He blends in well.

Right, let’s start cleaning up this mess.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 35/35 Mana 196/55]

[Imploded Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Ragdolled Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Headless Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

Right, well, that takes care of the mess at the gate. Mostly. There’s a bloodstain over here that refuses to come out; I think it might be what’s left of that one lizardman’s hand. There’s also the matter of the lizardman that the Very Angry Octopus drowned. I…I’m not sure I want to go looking for it. I mean, yes, that’s free mana right there…but do I really want to go anywhere near that mollusk, much less anywhere near his natural habitat? No. No, I do not.

Of course, that was when a mangled corpse was spat out of the lagoon to land by my ‘feet,’ somehow accompanied by a very satisfied belch. Staring at the swiftly smoothing ripples on the lagoon, I found myself filled with all sorts of nope. So, instead, I focused my attention on the mangled carcass before me.

It was quite the mess. The limbs and tail were largely untouched, though there were clear deformations present on the skin, evidence of where the cephalopod’s suckers had adhered. The ribs were cracked open, the chest cavity open to the elements; the cavity was completely devoid of organs, which was, quite frankly, a bit disturbing to look at. But the face was somehow even worse. Lips gone, tongue torn out, and both eyes missing. To top it all off, the skull was sporting a beak-sized hole, nary a speck of grey matter to be found within.

Jesus, but the Very Angry Octopus is terrifying. I think, for ease of reference, that I shall call the terrifying mollusk ‘Lusca.’ It seems appropriate, somehow.

[Mangled Lizardman absorbed. +37 Mana]

Huh. That only got me thirty-seven mana. Odd. I found myself glancing over at the deceptively still lagoon. Did…did the very angry…did Lusca…eat the mana? Huh. You know, I hadn’t really thought about it, but if Lusca did eat the missing mana, or absorb it, or whatever, this kind of implies that mana is a form of life energy. I’m not sure I like the implications of that.

Moving on before I have a crisis. Let’s clear out and reset the traps.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 35/35 Mana 468/55]

[Impaled Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Impaled Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Spike Pit reset. -5 Mana]

[Skeletonized Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Skeletonized Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Piranha Pit reset. -5 Mana]

[Impaled Lizardman absorbed. + 50 Mana]

[Spike Pit reset. -5 Mana]

And the skeletonized lizardmen in the piranha pit gave me the full fifty mana even though they were…skeletonized. I just don’t get it.

You know what, someone’s screwing with me, I just know it.

[Dexter revived.]

[Moa revived.]

[Mullroy revived.]

[Murtogg revived.]

Oh good. My minions are back. I was a tad bit afraid they wouldn’t be coming back, but I guess I had nothing to worry about.

Right…um…I should go handle my minions before continuing. The corpses won’t be going anywhere…will they? They better not, I have enough problems repressing the willies around my undead.

Suppressing a shudder, I floated up into the wreck. Coming out onto the main deck, I saw that all my minions, revived and otherwise (save Sinister), had gathered there. Bubbles was in her customary position in front of the cabin door, blowing her customary bubbles. Dexter was standing next to her, looking oddly fixated on Bubbles and her bubbles. Wilhelm was not too far off from the two crabs, seated on the stairs to the poopdeck with his appropriated spear leaning on his shoulder, still dripping with slowly congealing black and red blood. Meanwhile, Deadbeard was leaning against the stub of the main mast with his arms crossed and head bowed, somehow not at all bothered by Moa sitting on his shoulder. Finally, off to one side, was Mullroy and Murtogg, the two erstwhile gunners leaning over the railing and gawking at something out in the distance.

Nodding to myself, I hovered over to the two crabs. Good work you two. Bubbles, I know you didn’t see any fighting, but I appreciate how you stuck to your post, I praised, eliciting a delighted gurgle from the crab. I turned to Dexter, taking note of the way he seemed to sink into himself. Dexter, you did good. It was just bad luck that you happened to get crushed under a flaming boulder. It wasn’t your fault, okay?

Dexter nodded, rotating his whole body up and down.

Good. Now go join your brother in the lagoon. I’ll call for you guys shortly.

Clacking his claws together, Dexter turned around, pausing momentarily to look at Bubbles, before skittering off and over the side of the ship. Huh, I just noticed, but he still has his net. Odd that. I’d have thought it would still be under that boulder. Huh.

With that done, I floated over to Wilhelm. Wilhelm, uh…how you holding up?

Wilhelm looked up at me. “If you mean how am I faring, I am vell. Though,” he muttered, rotating his free arm. “I’m somevhat out of practice. I should not have frozen up like I did vhen my spear shattered. I let you down.”

I stared at the revenant. He called that freezing? He barely slowed down at all! You’re kidding right? The way you killed that lizardman and took his spear… that was totally badass!

The undead knight stared at me, eyes burning in confusion. “Bad…ass?”

Yeah, badass. It’s…it, it’s when, I tried to explain, only to trail off. It’s… when someone is… tough. Like, their demeanor is just…someone you wouldn’t want to fight, someone who can easily hold their own. Someone scary. Does…does that make any sense?

Slowly, thoughtfully, the revenant nodded. “Ja. Ja, I zhink it does. Badass… I like it. But, ah, speaking of my new spear,” Wilhelm asked, changing the subject. “Do you have anyzhing I can use to clean off zhe blood? I’d razher not let it stain.”

Huh? Uh, sure, give me a moment, I prevaricated. Opening the armory menu, I looked through it quickly. There was a new category, ‘tools,’ and there was an option to buy cleaning rags for five mana, though at the moment, it was the only option. I swiftly purchased the rags.

Okay, there are cleaning rags in the armory. Just check the workbenches.

“Danke schön,” Wilhelm said, standing up. “I’ll just go take care of zhis, zhen.”

And with that, the armored revenant marched off and made his way below decks.

Well, okay then. Good talk.

Floating across the deck, I approached Deadbeard and Moa. Halfway there though, Moa lit off from the skeleton captain’s shoulder and glided over to land in front of me.

Hey Moa, how you doing?

The dire gull waggled its head from side to side, before making a dismissive prek sound and reaching under his wing to pluck at some loose feathers. Well, good to know he was taking his death so well.

Speaking of, it seems foolhardy to have only one scout. And Moa does look like he could use a friend. Oh, what the heck.

[Dire Gull summoned. -25 Mana]

Moa froze as a whirlwind of feathers erupted from the deck, before dissipating to reveal another dire gull. It was slightly larger than Moa, but there was another difference there, one that I could not put my finger on.

Moa, this is… Haast, I said, introducing my dire gull to his new friend. Haast, this is Moa. I hope you’ll be friends.

The two dire gulls began to hop around each other, heads bobbing amusingly as they looked each other over from head to toe. Then they started to caw at each other, before Moa took off, Haast taking wing after him. The two dire gulls flew high up into the air, cawing and screeching at each other as they wheeled and dove across the sky.

Well, they seem to be having fun.

Putting aside the raucous birds for the time being, I continued over to Deadbeard. Hey, good job back there. You need anything?

Deadbeard nodded, making as if to draw his pistol before mimicking the action in various places across his body.

I stared at the motions, trying to parse what he was asking. You want more guns?

The skeleton began to nod, then stopped and waggled a hand from side to side.

Oh, you just want more weapons in general?

Deadbeard nodded enthusiastically, his gnashing jaw making a hollow clatter. I suppressed the cringe that followed the noise.

Okay, give me some time, I’ll see what I can do.

The skeletal captain clapped his hands together twice. I took that to mean approval of some sort.

I motioned towards Mullroy and Murtogg, a sort of back and forth bobble movement. Could you get the attention of those two? I need to have some words.

Tilting his head, Deadbeard stared at me with what I somehow understood as a devious grin (which didn’t really make sense; he’s a skeleton, he’s always grinning). Then, he stalked silently up behind the two younger skeletons and knocked their skulls together.

The two ne’er-do-wells staggered about, clutching at their heads. They spun around angrily, only to freeze as they saw Deadbeard and myself staring at them unamusedly.

Thank you Deadbeard, I said, before turning my attention to Mullroy and Murtogg. Now, what I am going to do with you two?

The two skeletons looked at each other before Murtogg shrugged nervously.

You two are by far the worst gunners I have ever seen, I admonished. You had one job. Load the cannon and fire it until you couldn’t anymore. But no, I drawled. You fired one shot and then ran at the enemy, armed only with weighted sticks, when you should have been loading grapeshot. I gave you a pile of the stuff for a reason!

Mullroy and Murtogg looked down at their feet, kicking the deck ashamedly.

I took a breath, considering what to do with them. While they should have stayed with the cannon in the first place, they had given a decent showing in attacking with the cannon instruments. Kind of made me wonder what they’d do with better… weapons. Hang on, that gives me an idea. I opened the armory menu and made a few quick purchases.

It is clear to me that you two are not cut out to be gunners, I declared ominously. So…

Summoning my purchases from the armory, I shoved them into Murtogg’s and Mullroy’s arms. The two skeletons staggered back, finding themselves holding a musket, a bayonet, a sack of musket balls, and a powder horn apiece. Then, as a finishing touch, I plopped tricorn hats on their heads.

Welcome to the marines. Captain Deadbeard, I called out, feeling a certain amount of Schadenfreude. See to their training, would you?

Somehow, Mullroy and Murtogg managed to actually swallow nervously. The two turned around and tried to bolt for it, but, regrettably, Deadbeard was quicker than them. Laughing in a rather disturbing manner, the skeletal captain grabbed the two by the collars of their shirts, dragging the two newly-minted marines off to meet their fate.

I almost feel sorry for them. Almost.

Well, now that that’s done, time to finish cleaning up.

But first, I should fix the mizzenmast. Again.

Twenty-five mana later, and the mast was rising up and twisting about once more. Ugh. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that.

Okay, now we go and clean up.

Floating down through the decks, I made my way to the orlop deck, pausing to collect Deadbeard’s victim left on the berth deck.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 35/35 Mana 793/55]

[Heartless Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Disfigured Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Stabbed Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Speared Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Pierced Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Stabbed Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Lobotomized Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Shafted Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Disemboweled Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Unzipped Lizardman absorbed. +50 Mana]

Wow. Wilhelm is a scary man. Those last two lizardmen must have been killed while I was focusing on Deadbeard’s fight. The first one was, obviously, disemboweled, its guts spilled everywhere, hands clutching at intestines even in death. The second was…well, unzipped really was the best way to describe it. It had been cut from crotch to clavicle, peeled open like a ripe avocado. That the cut had been made with a primitive obsidian spearhead… I’ll say it again. Wilhelm is a scary man.

Urgh. Oh, gosh, that overate feeling is back with a vengeance. Ugh. Is it possible for a dungeon core to get heartburn? Because I really hope it isn’t. Bleh.

Okay, let’s… let’s do something about that, shall we?