WILHELM! WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

Wilhelm looked up from the botefeux in his hands as I burst through the wall of the armory. “Oh, Dungeon Core? Vhat’s wrong?”

I came to an instant stop in pure defiance of physics and the laws of motion. We’ve got lizardmen incoming!

“Lizardmench,” Wilhelm exclaimed in surprise. “Vhere? How many? How much time do ve have?”

I don’t know! Moa didn’t say.

“Moa?” the revenant questioned, putting the botefeux back in the barrel with the other cannon instruments. “Who is Moa?”

Moa’s my dire gull.

Though I couldn’t see it, I had the distinct impression that Wilhelm was cocking an eyebrow. “Your bird can talk?”

What? No. He drew pictures in the sand. I shook myself. Is this really the time?

Wilhelm shook his head. “Nein. Nein, you are right.” Taking a breath, the revenant clenched his fists and then let them relax. “I shall need a veapon.”

What kind?

“A sword,” Wilhelm stated, bringing his hands up to shoulder height and holding them apart. “Preferably so long, straight, two edges, and vith a hand and a half grip.”

I stared at the revenant for a moment. I’ve got cutlasses and macahuitls.

The undead knight stared at me. “Vhat’s a…maca-hoo-ittle?”

It’s sort of a flat, bladed club? I explained. It’s almost like a sword.

“Ah, verdammt,” Wilhelm uttered. “Nein, that vill not do. Perhaps if I had time to acquaint myself vith one, but nein.” He sighed. “Do you perhaps have any polearms? Halberd, pike, glaive, spear, lance?”

I brightened up. I’ve got spears.

Wilhelm nodded decisively. “Zhat vill suffice.”

Ten mana later and Wilhelm snatched the obsidian spear out of the air as it materialized. Gripping the shaft by the middle, he held it out horizontally. A moment later, he began to twirl the polearm. Up, down, around and round, it was moving so quickly I was having difficulty keeping up, yet despite the cramped conditions the weapon never touched anything but air. Then it stopped, just as suddenly as it began, spear held out horizontally in one hand.

“Ja, zhis vill do,” Wilhelm declared. Shouldering the spear, the revenant turned to face me. “Vhere do you vant me?”

That’s a good question. Where did I want the knight? I have vague memories of last stands, of the few against the many. Some were defeated, some were victorious, for a certain definition of the word. Trying to remember more than that just made my head hurt, however impossible that may be. But, one thing I did remember, was the value of a chokepoint.

Downstairs, berth deck, I decided in a burst of headache-banishing inspiration. Guard the stairs up, they’ll have to come at you one at a time.

Wilhelm nodded in agreement. “A good plan. Even a small force can defend from a superior force when funneled properly.”

Great. I sent Moa back up to watch the lizardmen and give us a last-minute warning. I’ll let you know when the attack’s coming. With that, I floated up through the gundeck and into the cabin.

Passing through the wall out into the open air of the main deck, I looked at Bubbles and Deadbeard. Bubbles, Deadbeard, we’ve got a bunch of lizardmen coming to attack us.

The two minions reacted rather well to the news, Bubbles throwing her claws up in the air in surprise while Deadbeard drew pistol and cutlass with a dry rattle of his bones. Ugh, that sound.

Bubbles, I commanded, forcing my discomfort to the side. Keep guarding the door. Kill anything that tries to get past you. Bubbles clacked her claws together, sidling back until her carapace was just shy of touching the door. She gurgled in determination, bubbles frothing from her mouth.

Deadbeard, I continued, turning to the undead pirate skeleton. Head down to the gundeck. Anybody gets past Wilhelm, blow them away.

Deadbeard tucked away his pistol and saluted, the skeleton’s fleshless palm facing away from me, before bolting for the stairs. He vanished into the depths of the wreck, leaving me alone with my thoughts and a determinedly bubbling crab.

Okay, I had eleven, no, make that twelve mana to work with. Okay…what to do with it? I could set a non-lethal trap, somewhere it would assist one of my minions. Or, I could wait for Dexter or Sinister to get back, and hope they brought something with decent mana to absorb.

There was a loud wooden thud from down below at the lagoon. Hovering over to the edge of the wreck, I saw Dexter scuttling in through the gate, his fishing net bulging with items.

Huh. Speak of the devil and he shall appear.

Hovering off the edge of the wreck, I plummeted down. Stopping just off the sandy ground, I zipped over to Dexter, the crab already unloading his catch onto the beach by the lagoon. The gentle crab saw me coming and started to wave at me with his little claw.

Dexter, we’ve got lizardmen on the warpath. Drop everything and hide in the lagoon, I ordered. I want you to pull any lizardmen that get too close underwater and keep them there.

Ideally, I’d prefer to have Sinister hide in wait. That crab is…I’d say he’s not human, but, well, crab. I have no clue where he is right now though, so Dexter will have to do.

Sketching a salute (which was rather good for a giant crab), Dexter dropped the last items out of his net and scuttled out the gate. Pausing in the shallows of the lagoon outside, the giant crab looked around before deciding on a place to hide.

They say that no plan survives contact with the enemy. Well, I for one was not expecting the flaming boulder that came out of nowhere and clobbered poor Dexter.

[Dexter was squashed by a flaming boulder]

Dexter, no!

From the top of the cliff echoed a long, hollow note, a low sound that carried across the sands. Naturally, I turned to see what was making that noise.

Atop the cliff, now that the skies were sunny and clear, the tops of tropical trees were visible. As was the row of angry looking lizardmen. A rather large specimen with an impressive fringe of feathers stood in the center, lowering a conch shell from his mouth.

Jiminy Cricket! Why didn’t Moa warn me they were so close?!?

[Moa was shot by an arrow]

Oh. Well that’s just typical.

Another flaming boulder flew overhead, landing with a deafening thud somewhere behind the walls. Tracing the faint smoke trail left behind, I visually followed it until my phantasmal eyes locked onto the form of an absolutely gargantuan lizardman, who was easily twice the size of any three lizardmen up on that cliff. How in the hell did I not notice that beast earlier?

Thankfully, it would seem he was out of boulders to throw. Unfortunately, it would seem he’s gone and graduated to throwing logs. One such log promptly javelined into the sand right next to me, settling at an angle like some sort of demented wind-blasted tree-trunk…which technically I suppose it was.

Their leader, he of the magnificent crest, brought the conch shell back to his mouth and blew. Two menacing notes thrummed across the beach, one low, one high, sending chills down my non-existent spine. As the last echoes of the horn vanished from the beach, the lizardmen surged forward, crawling down the sheer cliff face in a rapid decent.

Oh shit! BATTLE STATIONS!

I don’t know if anyone heard that, but it had to be said. Crap, I need to absorb this pile and throw up some last-minute defenses!

Poke! Poke poke poke!

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 30/30 Mana 227/50]

[Small Barracuda absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Sea Star absorbed. +10 Mana]

[Saltwater Piranha absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Brain Coral absorbed. +10 Mana]

[Rocky Scorpionfish absorbed. +25 Mana]

[Corroded Swivel Gun absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Young Dogfish absorbed. +25 Mana]

[Radiant Sunfish absorbed. +20 Mana]

[Purple Sea Star absorbed. +10 Mana]

[Staghorn Coral absorbed. +10 Mana]

[Blue Coral Skeleton Piece absorbed. +10 Mana]

[Stingray absorbed. +15 Mana]

[Barnacle Encrusted Sextant absorbed. +6 Mana]

[Uprooted Anemone absorbed. + 5 Mana]

[Small Eel absorbed. +10 Mana]

[Broken Globe Base absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Tarnished Bell Clapper absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Marble Hand absorbed. +1 Mana]

Lots of fish this time, and a few random, but handy things. Agh! Not the time for puns!

Okay, okay…um…

A sickening crash exploded behind me as a log slammed into the hull of my shipwreck, lodging somewhere around the gundeck. I found myself screaming at the giant lizardman atop the cliff.

Quit putting holes in my ship! It’s already got enough of that going on!

How much time do I have? Oh crap, they’re almost at the bottom of the cliff. Oh dear. Oh my.

Okay, let’s see…I’ll make a cannon, set it in front of the ship facing the gate, and summon a minion to man it…actually, let’s make that two minions. I recall that cannons needed their own crew to operate them.

I…crap, I don’t have enough space, the base of the main mast is in the way. Maybe if I had a larger courtyard…thing, it’d work, but as it is, the cannon’d get overrun after one shot. Shit!

Wait, wait…can I move the stairs? No, no I cannot, it’s making the rude noise at me. …What if I build a wall?

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 30/30 Mana 216/50]

[Walls Purchased: -11 Mana]

I can build a wall! Giggling in nervous glee, I threw up an L-shaped wall down the center of the orlop deck, putting the stairs at the end of a hooked corridor rather than out in the open.

From there, I slapped down a wooden platform across the top of the ballast for an additional six mana and then summoned a cannon and placed it on the platform facing the open end of the wreck. I have naval cannons, not field guns, after all. Now for the gun crew.

[Undead Pirate Skeleton summoned. -50 Mana]

[Undead Pirate Skeleton summoned. -50 Mana]

With the disturbed warping I’d come to associate with the spawning of undead, two skeletons crawled up out of the ballast. Like Deadbeard had been when first summoned, these two undead pirate skeletons were dressed in rags, though unlike Deadbeard, they wore faded blue-striped white shirts and their skulls were uncovered. They were also unarmed, worryingly.

I looked at the two skeletons. They looked identical at first glance, but upon closer inspection, one was skinny and the other was of stocky build.

You are Murtogg, I addressed the skinny skeleton. And you are Mullroy, I named the stocky skeleton. We’re about to be attacked, so man this cannon and let none pass.

The two skeletons stared at me, then at the cannon, then back at me before Murtogg shrugged helplessly.

What were they…? Oh, right. Yes, yes, instruments. Give me a moment.

Concentrating, I summoned the instruments already in the armory, the devices clattering to the platform next to the cannon. Wait, how did I…? Not the time, figure it out later. Concentrating again, I summoned several cannonballs and gunpowder charges from the armory, piling them up on the other side of the cannon. For good measure I also bought a pile of grapeshot canisters and put them next to the solid shot.

Okay, that leaves me with…seventy-six mana. Right, let’s drop some lethal traps around here, that should slow the lizardmen down for the cannon. Open the traps!

[Traps]

[Pits]

[Pit: 10 Mana]

[Spiked Pit: 15 Mana]

[Piranha Pit: 20 Mana]

[Snares]

[Counterweight Rope Net: 10 Mana]

[Counterweight Canvas Net: 10 Mana]

[Counterweight Spiked Rope Net: 15 Mana]

[Deadfall]

[Cannon Deadfall: 15 Mana]

[Net Full of Cannonballs: 15 Mana]

[Projectile]

[6Ibs Naval Cannon: 15 Mana]

[-Solid Shot: 5 Mana]

[-Grapeshot: 5 Mana]

Right going to focus on pits and snares, and…hey, I have a new pit trap. Piranha pits…Oh that’s evil. I’m gonna do it.

The piranha pits are a bit pricy, twenty mana a pop, but I think it will be worth it, a combination of lethal and non-lethal trap: if you get out in time, you’ll live, but you’ll be slowed down by the pain of innumerous bites taken out of you, but if you don’t get out in time, well, it was nice knowing you. Of course, that assumes these are the stereotypical voracious flesh-eaters of the movies (what’s a movie?) and not the skittish scavengers of real life.

I plopped down two piranha pits, two round, chest-deep holes suddenly sinking into the sand and filling to the brim with water before a thin layer of sand formed over it. On a whim, I slapped a third piranha pit down onto one of the two puddles within my walls and was pleasantly surprised when the trap spread to encompass the entire body of water. Convenient.

Finally, I threw down another spike pit for good measure, leaving me with a whopping one mana.

There. Anybody who comes through that gate is going to have a bad time.

…

Oh shit. What if they can climb over the walls?

Well, too late to worry about that now. Here they come.

I could hear the thrumming of talons on sand approaching the walls outside. I cringed, the shifting of sands replaced with the scrabbling of claws on stone. For a long moment, I held my metaphorical breath, but the feared sight of lizardmen heads cresting the top of the wall never materialized. I somehow let out a breath of relief as the scrabbling of claw and stone stopped.

Moments later, the pounding of feet on sand began to travel around the wall towards the gate. I felt the urge to swallow nervously. Here it was, the moment of truth. And here I was, unable to do anything about it.

I hated it. That feeling of helplessness, of only being able to watch. It burned at me.

The gates opened.

{Invasion Commencing.}

To my surprise, it wasn’t my forces that got first blood. The first lizardman through the gate, an intimidating specimen with intricately painted black scales and a massive two-handed macahuitl, was equally surprised, as a thick tentacle wrapped around his ankle and dragged him into the depths of the lagoon.

Huh. I’d forgotten about the very angry octopus. I’ll have to thank him for that. Maybe a large fish or something. Of course, I’ll have to survive first.

The rest of the lizardmen were funneling in through the gates when the cannon fired. A single cannonball plowed through the mass of scaled bodies, and I watched the carnage unfold almost as if in slow motion.

The first lizardman to encounter the cannonball was lucky; he only lost the top half of his spear. Those behind him were not so lucky. The cannonball took the next lizardman in the chest, and the creature’s torso simply imploded as the shot passed through him. The lizardman behind him ragdolled, body twisting in impossible ways as the cannonball obliterated his shoulder, throwing him into several other lizardmen in the process. Another lizardman simply lost a hand, coming to a stop and staring stupidly at the suddenly handless stump pulsing spurts of crimson blood. One last lizardman was felled by the cannonball, his headless body running several steps before finally realizing it was dead, leaving his compatriots covered in skull fragments and brain matter.

Then the moment passed, time sped up, and a spray of sand and water exploded down the beach.

I’ll be honest, the sight of it made me feel somewhat ill. The lizardmen seemed to be fairing no better, the survivors slowing down in shock. However, they quickly rallied and charged forward, hissing angrily.

My heart leapt into my throat as the lizardmen thundered forward unmolested. Then they hit the traps.

Two lizardmen fell into the first spike pit, one breaking through the thin layer of sand, the other too close to avoid disaster. The rest of the lizardmen surged around the gaping hole, jumping the gap or simply going around. Then they hit the second spike trap and the first piranha pit at the same time. They lost three lizardmen that time, one to the spikes, the other two flailing and screaming in dismay as they fell into water that swiftly began to foam and turn red. They went under and surfaced, flailing wildly before going under once more. They did not resurface.

I grimaced. Two of my piranha traps were untouched. I’d placed the hole too far south of the gate, and I’d chosen the wrong puddle; I should have placed it in the puddle right in front of the wreck, not the one a bit further north.

Still, the traps had served their purpose I reflected as I moved back into the orlop deck. The lizardmen were slowed, forced to slow down and move around to avoid the exposed pits. Just enough for Mullroy and Murtogg to reload the cannon. Hopefully they’d loaded grapeshot…what are those two doing?

To my dismay, the two skeletons manning the cannon were not reloading, but were instead charging the lizardmen armed only with a ramrod and a wad-screw with sponges on the ends. While they were able to enthusiastically club a pair of lizardmen senseless, they were quickly impaled on several spears before several arrows sprouted from their skulls. The two skeletons went limp and fell apart.

[Mullroy was shafted.]

[Murtogg got the point.]

Oh God dammit. Groaning in dismay and exasperation, I floated up through the floor and hovered over to Wilhelm.

They’re coming, I warned. Idiots on the cannon tried to fight hand to hand instead of reloading.

Wilhelm grunted in acknowledgement, shifting his feet apart and lowering the tip of his spear as the sounds of talons on wood drew closer. The tension grew, becoming almost palpable. Then, the first lizardman poked his head up the stairs.

To watch Wilhelm fight was like watching the world’s deadliest dance. That first lizardman was only two steps up when his skull was caved-in by the spear butt slamming between his eyes. The next lizardman, scrambling over the cooling corpse of his comrade, was stabbed through the throat and fell back with a gurgle. Three more lizardmen were killed in similar fashion, Wilhelm striking with a speed and precision that bordered on superhuman. Then one lizardman took the spear through his eye, and disaster struck as the spear shattered from the force of the thrust.

Wilhelm quickly recovered, but a lizardman was able to take advantage of the opening provided, lunging forward with his own spear. The primitive polearm skittered across the revenant’s armor, only to catch on a spot of corrosion and punch through the small hole already there, biting deep into the knight’s side.

Grunting in pain, Wilhelm wrapped an arm around the spear, locking it in place before driving the shattered but sharp remains of his spear up into the bottom of the lizardman’s jaw and through the soft palette into the brain. The lizardman fell like a puppet with cut strings, and Wilhelm tore the spear from his side and took it in hand. With black blood dripping from his new weapon, the revenant stepped forward to bar the way once more.

But the damage was done. While Wilhelm was dealing with the spear-wielding lizardman, two lizardmen managed to slip past. I could only watch helplessly as the two humanoids circled around to head for the stairs to the gundeck, brandishing a macahuitl and a spear between them.

Fortunate then, that I had set Deadbeard there to stop them.

A gunshot rang out, and the axe-wielding lizardman promptly fell on his face, a gaping hole where his heart once was. Hissing angrily, the macahuitl wielding lizardman, a rather muscular specimen with jet-black scales, charged forward, and Deadbeard answered, cutlass drawn. Rusted steel met shining obsidian, and the battle was joined.

Where Wilhelm’s fight was akin to a dance of death, Deadbeard’s fight was nothing less than a no-holds-barred back-alley brawl. Their weapons clashing again and again was almost a side note, with punches, kicks, headbutts, and gnashing of teeth and fangs the course of the day.

It was hypnotizing, the sheer brutality the lizardman and my minion were subjecting themselves and each other to. I couldn’t look away.

A low, mournful note echoed across the beach, and the lizardmen all just stopped. Then, with quiet, angry hissing, the lizardmen retreated, leaving the wreck and weaving between the traps to leave through the gate.

Deadbeard’s opponent hissed irately and disengaged, shoving the skeleton away before rushing towards the open end of the wreck. Jumping from the wreck, he sailed through the air towards the northern most puddle. He hit the surface and went under, and the water went red.

Huh. Seems I didn’t misplace that piranha pit after all.

However, a moment later, the lizardman burst from the water, bloodied and covered in biting piranhas. Ripping the toothy fish from his hide, the lizardman raced out the gates after his brethren, leaving a trail of blood behind him.

[Invasion Completed.]

[+5 Health Capacity. +5 Mana Capacity]

Floating up through the decks, I came out into the open air and made my way to the poopdeck. I watched, the lizardmen racing across the sands towards the cliffs. The cliffs posed no obstacle, the lizardmen scaling the precipice as quickly as they had descended it earlier, making the top and vanishing into the underbrush. As I watched, the leader stared in my direction, then turned his back to me, almost contemptuously, and vanished into the bush.

As the last lizardman disappeared into the jungle, I let myself breath an imaginary sigh of relief. It was over; I survived.

My gaze went over the cliff and I froze as I saw the titanic lizardman was still there. He wasn’t done, either. Picking up and hefting one last log, he threw it like a giant boomerang before turning and vanishing into the jungle. I only peripherally noticed this, because I was instead focused on watching the log spin through the air.

With a shattering crash, the spinning log smashed into the mizzenmast and bounced off, rolling across the poopdeck and off the edge of the ship, taking a good portion of the rails with it. For a long moment, nothing happened, and I started to let out another sigh of relief when a loud crack rent the air. I could only watch in disbelief as the mizzenmast broke off at the base and toppled over to starboard. There was an almighty crash, and the mast was once more laying over the wall. I was left speechless.

Well, almost.

OH COME ON!