Have you ever seen the inside of an angry octopus? Let me tell you, it isn’t pretty. All mucus and slime and muscle. And flailing tentacles. Those suction cups are the things of nightmares.

Which was why I was currently screaming.

AGH! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!!

I may have, in my panic, momentarily forgotten that I could move…

Thankfully, Bubbles was on the ball, the giant crab rushing forward to my rescue. Clamping down on the flailing cephalopod with one claw, she picked it up and slammed it into the deck a few times before tossing it bodily. In a rather impressive display of dexterity, the ballistic octopus snagged the remains of the middle mast with a tentacle, wrapping around the spar like an angry tetherball. It then proceeded to glare at everyone and hiss angrily.

Did you know that octopi can hiss? Because I did not.

Much calmer now that I was no longer occupying the same space as an angry mollusk, I turned back to see Sinister standing there expectantly. He was looking rather proud of himself, his giant left claw empty while his smaller right claw held a very large anchor.

I turned back to the octopus. It was about…hm, I estimate thirteen feet? Hard to tell, I don’t have a tape measure handy and it’s wrapped around the mast-stump. Still the head and mantle were easily the size of a regular man. How Sinister managed to catch an octopus of this size and not get killed was beyond me. After all, octopi eat crabs.

Since the octopus seemed disinclined to moving any time soon, I turned my attention back to Sinister. Thank you Sinister, I said, my voice flat. You may go.

Clacking his claws together, Sinister scuttled off, vanishing over the side of the ship. Shaking my head, I turned to Bubbles. Thank you Bubbles, I said sincerely.

Bubbles giddily bounced from side to side, claws clacking as her mouth frothed happily. Then she froze, a single bubble from her mouth floating up before her eyes. Slowly, she reached out with a claw, but the bubble popped as soon as she touched it. She flinched back, but then began to wiggle and gurgle with glee. Scuttling back to the cabin door, she started blowing bubbles, waving her claws joyfully in the air as the bubbles swirled around her, occasionally reaching out and popping one.

Well…I certainly named her aptly. Nice to see she’s easily entertained too.

Meanwhile, that octopus is still a mass of seething, hissing hate, so I’m just going to absorb this anchor and go below. One whole mana, okay then.

Deadbeard…keep an eye on that octopus, would you?

Nodding, Deadbeard turned to stare at the livid cephalopod, idly running his bony fingers over his new pistol.

Right, I’m just going to leave. Have fun y’all.

Dropping through the deck, I let myself sink down until I reached the berth deck. And let’s see what I can do.

…

Still a whole lot of nothing. There is a new deck to claim, though.

[Claim Orlop Deck: 45 Mana]

Orlop deck…that’s the lowest deck, innit? The one with the ropes and the ballast? Well, that will leave me with only one mana, but oh boy, I’d have an entire half a ship, oh boy!

Well, that’s enough sarcasm, I think I’ve hit my quota for the day. Click and claim.

I tried sticking my tongue out at the draining sensation of my mana leaving me, but of course, I don’t have a tongue. So, bleah. Not quite as satisfying, but it will have to do.

Down into the orlop deck for a look around.

Once down I did indeed look around. The hull looked sound down here, and the whole deck was significantly deeper than the decks above, though at least half of it was occupied by a layer of ballast, which was in turn covered with sand down at the open end of the wreck. I’m a bit surprised the crushed rock is still here, I’d have thought it would have spilled out when the ship broke up, but whatever.

Not much to absorb down here. There’s about half a dozen barrels scattered here and there, partially buried in the ballast and sand, but that’s about it. I could absorb the ballast, I think, but I kind of like the aesthetic it gives me, so I think I’ll just leave it for now.

So, poking time!

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 30/30 Mana 31/50]

[Barrel of Hardtack absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Barrel of Salted Beef absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Barrel of Tainted Freshwater absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Barrel of Rotted Limes absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Barrel of Solidified Linseed Oil absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Barrel of Putrefied Animal Fat absorbed. +5 Mana]

I have no idea why these barrels gave me so much mana relative to other things. Still, that’s an added thirty mana, and my mana cap went up when I absorbed the orlop deck. What can I do with that? Open menu, and…

Doo-dee-do…oh look! New construction options~. Oh boy, let’s take a look! No, I’m not being sarcastic at all. I’ve already hit my quota, remember?

[Construction]

[Structures]

[Dungeon Entrance: 5 Mana]

Holy shit I can actually build something!

…

I’m speechless.

BUY IT!!!

I slammed the dungeon entrance option, and the earth began to shake. Though I had no body, the instinct to grab something passed through me as I turned to stare out at the small lagoon outside the wreck. Before my very eyes, walls of stone began to rise from the sands, until they stood two stories high. In the center, facing the open decks of the wreck, stood a great wooden gate, framed by two brightly burning torches, like some ancient gateway one would find sealing away a primordial forest.

Floating up to the gate, I couldn’t help but gawk a bit. I also couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d seen its like before, though this gate, my gate, had erected itself in the shallows of the small lagoon that stretched out before the wreck.

Turning around to gaze at the shipwreck that I’d set up shop in, I noticed that the stone walls seemed to encircle the entire wreck. That seemed a bit convenient, but I wasn’t going to complain. It would make it easier to defend, at any rate. The collapsed mast off the poopdeck sort of ruins the effect though. Just goes right over the wall.

I already tried to absorb the damn thing. Can I fix it somehow?

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 30/30 Mana 26/50]

[Repair Mizzenmast: 25 Mana]

And there’s a popup for that. Of course. I really shouldn’t be surprised by this, I should have seen it coming, because of course there’s a popup for that.

Boop.

And everything is shaking again. Joy. No, wait, it’s just the mast.

The mast was shaking violently, almost like…actually, I don’t know what it was like. It was shaking. Like a branch in a storm, but stationary. Huh, I guess I did know what it was shaking like.

Then the shaking stopped, and the mast just lifted up in the air. No apparent means of locomotion at all. Just ‘fwoop,’ up in the air. It began to twist, the splintered spars winding into place with woody pops. The rope cables of the rigging and the canvas sails untangling to hang freely, the mast rotated into place. It sank onto the ragged stump and then melded seamlessly into one piece. Finally, the mast settled into place with a loud creaking of stressing wood, the rigging snaking out, the stays and lines tying themselves off to the superstructure, and then everything was still, only the breaking of waves echoing across the beach.

I’ll admit, that was rather disconcerting to watch. Like a bone breaking in reverse. Uh-h-gh. Sent shivers down my disembodied spine. Still, at the same time, it was damned cool to watch.

The gates thumped behind me. I may have jumped a bit from surprise. Turning back around, I was just in time to catch the gates shudder as something on the other side thumped them again. Then again, and again. But then there was silence, uncomfortable, unnerving silence.

Then, the doors swung open, letting in a very perplexed Dexter, who seemed to have gotten himself tangled up in an old fishing net. Scuttling crabwise through the gate, Dexter turned to face the entryway, then scuttled about to face me, his crabby eyes staring at me in utter confusion.

We’ve done some remodeling, I found myself explaining. So, what you got?

Clacking his claws in delight, his earlier confusion forgotten, Dexter reached into the net draped over his back and started to pull things out. Huh, the big guy figured out how to carry more things at once. Clever boy.

Snipping his claws together in satisfaction, Dexter scurried back, leaving his pile of findings on the sand for me to inspect.

Wow, lots of stuff here. Manmade, too. Did Dexter find a sunken shipwreck? Well, I suppose the other half of my wreck had to go somewhere…if it was the other half of my wreck. It’s not like I have a monopoly on shipwrecks. And those sharp, jagged rocks out there in the surf do look rather shipwreck-y. Eh, whatever. Let’s start absorbing.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 30/30 Mana 11/50]

[Tarnished Silver Candelabra absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Two-Legged Stool absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Rusty Marlinspike absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Waterlogged Book absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Fogged Hurricane Lamp absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Broken Hatchet absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Shattered Compass absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Empty Rum Bottle absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Tarnished Bread Knife absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Cracked Ceramic Bowl absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Rotting Flag absorbed. +1 Mana]

As I rummaged through the steadily shrinking pile, I marveled at some of the things Dexter had found. Candleholder, stool missing a leg, a giant needle…huh, so that’s what a marlinspike is. Oh boy, a book! …And the ink has run into illegibility. *Sigh* …absorbed. Oil lamp with a weird glass thing on top, hatchet with half the handle missing, a broken compass with a spinning needle, an empty rum bottle…this makes me sad for some reason. A breadknife, one of those saw-toothed dealies, though this one is dulled beyond use, a bowl with a huge crack through it, and a big flag. I don’t recognize the heraldry; two green rampant dragons facing each other and superimposed over a pair of crossed downward swords, on a field of crimson. Well, I think it’s crimson, but the whole thing was rotting and bleached by the sea, so…yeah.

Hey, there’s still something underneath it. Boop.

…

Holy crap. Where the hell did Dexter find an entire suit of plate mail armor?

And it was a suit of full plate mail. Helmet, gorget, pauldrons with attached clam-shell rondels, couters, vambraces, gauntlets, cuirass (back and front) with fauld, tassets, and a culet, mail skirt, cuisses, poleyns, greaves, and sabatons. That’s head, neck, shoulders and armpits, elbow, forearm, hands, chest and waist and hips, upper thighs, and buttocks, chainmail shirt to fill the gaps, thigh, knee, shin, and feet. I have no idea how I know that, but there you are.

I circled the prone suit of armor, taking in the details. The suit definitely had a draconic theme to it, scales and claws picked out in copper filigree along the edges of the plates. The helmet in particular really brought the whole theme together, with the two swept back horns on the crown and the drop-down visor fashioned in the shape of a dragon’s snarling maw. It must have been quite the sight when brand new, but now the steel was corroded and pitted, the copper tarnished a blue-green, and the leather under suit and straps were rotting.

Strange how it’s in such good condition. I’d have thought it would be in worse shape than…that…

I trailed off, staring at the slightly open visor, and the contents within.

There is still a body in this suit. Well, that explains how it’s still in one piece. Thank God the skull is completely skeletonized, I don’t know what I’d do if I’d found a rotting face staring back at me.

…Probably scream.

Oh man, I almost don’t want to absorb this guy. The stories he could tell if he wasn’t dead. Oh, how I wish I could learn his story. Ah well, it isn’t as if I can bring the dead back to…to…

[Revenant Wilhelm Hackenschpit has accepted a contract.]

Wut?

A disturbed warping sound, not quite what I’d come to associate with Deadbeard resurrecting but close, echoed across the beach. The body jerked, the plate mail clattering as the corpse within stiffened. It began to rise, stiff as a board and engulfed in an eldritch light, pivoting upright on its heels. It came fully upright, then the eldritch glow and sounds vanished, and the armor sagged forward.

For a moment, I thought the armored body would fall back over, only for it to shift its feet and arrest the imminent fall. Slowly, hesitantly, the gauntlets came up, stopping at chest height, the fingers slowly clenching and unclenching. Then, the head rose, revealing the darkness behind the dragon’s maw visor and the two burning points within.

I stared. The two will-o-wisps stared back.

Finally, the other party spoke, a cultured, Teutonic voice echoing from within the depths of the helmet. “Vell…zhis is interesting.”

Uh…hello? Oh, that sounds intelligent. First social activity in I don’t know how long, and I’m already flubbing it. Actually…how long have I been out here on this beach? Who are you?

“I,” the possibly haunted armor replied with a stately bow. “Am Sir Wilhelm Hackenschpit, loyal knight of zhe Kingdom of Draconia.” The knight paused, straightening up and holding a hand up at head height. He stared at it, twisting the appendage back and forth. “Vell, I vas, until I came down vith a sudden case of death. How odd zhen, zhat I find myself cured of such.”

I’ll be honest, I haven’t the foggiest what’s going on, I stated. Really, I just live here and poke the boxes that pop up.

A loud crashing, banging, and generally cacophonous racket kicked off above us, making both of us jump in surprise at the suddenness of it all. We looked up, the sounds somehow becoming more and more ludicrous. I know for a fact we don’t have any elephants on board, so what the hell?

I looked at Wilhelm, trying to hike a thumb over my shoulder before remembering I didn’t have either. Um, excuse me, I have to go take care of that.

Wilhelm looked at me, looked up, then back at me. He lifted a finger. “I’ll just vait here, zhen.”

Bobbing in acknowledgement (because while I can’t see it, apparently there’s something here that people can see floating about), I turned around, coming face to face with Dexter. It took me a moment to realize it, but he’d been trying to hide behind me. Trying to hide from Wilhelm. Oh, grow up.

Floating around the giant crab, I entered the wreck and willed myself upwards. Passing through timbers and open air, I came to the main deck and looked around.

Well, whatever I was expecting when I came up here, it wasn’t this. Bubbles is cowering by the cabin, belly against the deck, legs curled up, and doing her damnedest to hide behind her claws. Deadbeard is crawling around by the railing, feeling about for his head, which is resting on its side on the opposite side of the ship. Meanwhile, the very angry octopus is…where is the octopus?

A very angry hissing drew my sight to the great rend that had torn the wreck in half, where the very angry octopus lay, bunched up and looking at me with very angry look that promised pain. Then, it bunched up, and like a coiled spring, flung itself over the side. There was a moment of silence, then a distant splash and the clatter of metal on metal. Hovering over to the splintered end of the deck, I could see ripples on the lagoon within the walls, while Dexter did his damnedest to hide behind Wilhelm, the armored knight’s flailing speaking of his taking exception to being held in the giant crab’s claws as a human shield.

All I could do was sigh.

I swear to God, I feel like a babysitter around here. You turn around for five minutes and everything is on fire.

Oh God, I just tempted fate, didn’t I?