I stared at Deadbeard, the recently resurrected undead pirate skeleton staring blankly back at me. What the shit, man? You go off and get killed, then next thing I know I’m getting attacked by lizard people! Christ, the conspiracy theorists would have a field day about this back home, I just knew it. What the shit?

Deadbeard just stood there, still staring at me with his blank, empty sockets. I sighed and waved him off. Oh, whatever. Go off and find me more things to absorb, and don’t get killed again! Nodding, Deadbeard started to turn.

Wait. Can you survive underwater?

Pausing, Deadbeard turned back to me and slowly nodded.

Good. Go search past the shoreline. And for God’s sake, I commanded. Don’t get killed again. I feel it prudent to reiterate that as much as possible.

I watched Deadbeard walk off and flop off the side of the boat again. For the love of…at least underwater he won’t be attacked by lizardmen…I hope.

Turning back towards the main deck, I grimaced. Blood, chunks, and splinters everywhere. Let’s clean this mess up.

Leaning down, I poked one of the larger chunks of wet meat on the deck, and half the bloodstains and meaty lumps vanished with a wet ‘schlorp’ing sound. Weird, but a second poke had the rest of the stains and chunks disappear as well.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 25/25 Mana 107/35]

[Lizardman Paste absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Lizardman Puree absorbed. +50 Mana]

Holy shit. Fifty mana for a single corpse? Bitchin’! Where’s number three?

Dropping down through the deck (that too full feeling was back, but I was far too giddy to care), I was met with the grisly sight of the third lizardman’s unfortunate demise. I let out a hiss of discomfort at the bloody spike protruding from his crotch. Man, that hurt me just looking at it. I should fix that.

Poking the corpse, it vanished with a schlorp that was somehow wetter and schlorpier than before, leaving me with a whopping total of one hundred fifty-seven mana.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 30/30 Mana 157/40]

[Perforated Lizardman Corpse absorbed. +50 Mana]

[Invasion Defeated. +5 Health Capacity. +5 Mana Capacity]

Well, that is just fine and dandy, more health and more mana is always wonderful. But why the heck is it happening now? I beat the lizardmen over ten minutes ago. Do…do I have lag? Seriously?

That’s just not cricket. Whatever that means.

At any rate, I can do a lot with over a hundred and fifty mana. Let’s see, open the menu and, oh hey, I have new minions available. Let’s take a looksie~.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 30/30 Mana 157/40]

[Minions]

[Undead]

[Undead Pirate Skeleton: 50 Mana]

[Avians]

[Seagull: 10 Mana]

[Crustaceans]

[Small Crab: 10 Mana]

[Beast Men]

[Lizardman Scout: 100 Mana]

Holy fucking hell! One hundred mana for a lizardman scout? What the shit? That’s…hoo boy, that’s way out of my league right now. Though, if capability and mana cost is relative, then it’s no wonder three of them were able to take out Deadbeard.

Guess I’m stuck with crabs, gulls, and skeletons. Well, skeletons, really. I mean, seagulls and crabs would in theory make good minions, but they wouldn’t really be able to defend me, that’s kind of paramount at the moment. Now, if they were bigger and tougher, then…

[Dire Gull Unlocked.]

[Giant Crab Unlocked.]

…well. Okay then. I wish I had a stronger and tougher skeleton minion.

…

No? Nothing, really? …Seriously, is a tutorial too much to ask for?

Ugh, well, let’s take a looksie at my new minions.

[Avians]

[Seagull: 10 Mana]

[Dire Gull: 25 Mana]

[Crustaceans]

[Small Crab: 10 Mana]

[Giant Crab: 25 Mana]

Huh, not too shabby. I can easily buy four of those, but, let’s start out with one each.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 30/30 Mana 107/40]

[Dire Gull summoned: - 25 Mana]

[Giant Crab summoned: - 25 Mana]

A whirlwind kicked up in front of me, a cyclone of grey feathers swirling into existence with a piercing cry. Behind me, a geyser burst forth, exploding vigorously out of the deck before collapsing into a slowly growing pile of frothing bubbles.

The whirlwind died down, the feathers vanishing into the ether to reveal the dire gull. I stared, no, I gawked at it. It looked like a seagull, but everything about it was…more. Its wings were longer and beefier, its legs like webbed eagle’s talons. It had teeth! And baleful red eyes. But the kicker was, it was the size of a large dog! It’s a good thing I don’t have ornithophobia, or this thing would be terrifying me.

I’m going to call you…Moa.

Turning around, I was just in time to see the giant crab emerge from its pile of bubbles. It certainly lived up to its name: a mottled green brute the size of a decently large dinner table. Its armored back was certainly flat enough to be used as such. Its six legs were thick, slightly thicker than one would expect on a crab, but not too much so. Two massive claws clacked together in an absent rhythm, both claws easily the size of a man’s torso. Finally, two beady eyes the size of grapes stared up at me, froth bubbling slowly from its mouth.

Huh. It’s kind of cute. I’m gonna call you Bubbles.

You know what, let’s summon two more.

Twin geysers bubbled up from the deck on either side of Bubbles, leaving me with fifty-seven mana. The geysers quickly subsided to reveal two crabs. They looked almost identical to Bubbles, though both were slightly larger and with mottled brown carapaces. Interestingly, both crabs had one claw that was much bigger than the other, though it was not the same claw on both crabs; the right claw was larger for the crab on the right, and the crab on the left had its larger claw on the left. Regardless, both stared at me with beady, grape-sized eyes.

I’m going to call you Dexter, and you Sinister, I declared, first addressing the right-hand crab, then the left-hand crab. The two crabs glanced at each other, then slammed their respective giant claws into the deck with a deafening bang. Well, they’re enthusiastic, if nothing else.

Okay, let’s get to work. Um… Moa, fly up high, circle the wreck, I commanded. Keep an eye out for intruders. Cawing, Moa spread its wings, and with a skip, hop, and a jump, the dire gull pumped its wings and vanished into the sky.

Dexter, Sinister. The two lopsided crabs looked at me expectantly, claws slightly agape. Head down to the surf, go into the water. Grab anything interesting you find and bring it back. The bigger the better.

Clacking their claws together, the two giant crabs skittered off, each heading towards opposite sides of the ship. Unlike Deadbeard, when they tipped off the edge of the deck, the two crabs kept their footing, crawling crabwise down the sides of the hull.

I found myself staring into the distance as the staccato of chitin on timbers moved down the hull. How is it that a pair of crabs are more intelligent than an undead skeleton? Actually, that kind of makes sense, I guess; the skeleton doesn’t have a brain anymore.

Finally, I turned to Bubbles. Bubbles, you’re on guard duty. Bubbles stared at me, eyes glistening. You’re my final line of defense against intruders, so I’m counting on you.

Truthfully, the six-pounder behind the cabin door was the final line of defense, but that was really more of a final act of desperation deal. If it ever again came down to just me and that cannon against attackers, I was well and truly screwed.

Bubbles stared at me, eyes slowly twitching on stubby eyestalks. Then, something clicked in her little crabby brain, and she spun around in glee, her claws clacking wildly in the air. Positioning herself in front of the cabin door, Bubbles began to sway back and forth, bubbles frothing joyfully from her mouth, claws waving gently in the air.

Well, I’m glad she’s happy. She…when did I start thinking of Bubbles as a ‘she?’ Eh, whatever, she’s a she, unless she wants to be a he, in which case, who am I to stop her from being a him?

…

Moving on.

I have fifty-seven mana to work with, let’s see what I can do with that. Let’s open the construction menu and…no construction available. I don’t know why I keep checking. Something something something, sign of insanity. Well, I can claim the berth deck for forty mana. Let’s do it. Maybe I’ll find something useful down there. And…boop!

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 30/30 Mana 17/45]

[Berth Deck claimed. Mana Capacity +5]

More mana capacity. Huzzah! Whelp, let’s go and take a looksie, shall we? And…down we go! I sank into the deck, leaving Bubbles to her dancing.

Level 2, berthing deck, food court, and sports apparel. Hah, elevator humor. … What’s an elevator?

Question for later, let’s see what I’ve got. A decent amount. Not as much as up on the gundeck, but a decent amount. Moving about the berth deck, I began poking and absorbing things.

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 30/30 Mana 40/45]

[Rotting Hammock absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Threadbare Hammock absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Crushed Powder Horn absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Shattered Musket absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Soiled Cotton Shirt absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Broken Flintlock Pistol absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Bent Hunting Knife absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Twisted Bayonet absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Broken Barrel absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Snapped Cutlass absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Shattered Rum Bottle absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Marble absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Flattened Oil Lantern absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Loaf of Moldy Bread absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Tattered Oilskin Tricorn Hat absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Worn Seaboot absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Torn Leather Belt absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Desiccated Oilskin Coat absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Ripped Concertina absorbed. +1 Mana]

Ooh, lots of weapons down here. A bit worrisome, but convenient. But why was a loaf of moldy bread worth five mana when a musket was worth one?

At any rate, let’s see what I can do with this space.

My musings were interrupted by a rhythmic clacking on the hull. One of the crabs, back already? I wonder what they got.

Floating up through the deck, I arrived on the middle deck to find Bubbles still dancing happily in place. Next to her stood Dexter, looking very proud of himself. In his left claw was clenched a very ornately carved, albeit very coral encrusted, wooden mermaid figurehead. And in the oversized right claw, flailing vigorously but futilely, was Deadbeard.

Oh how I wish I had a hand and a face to palm it with. Thank you, Dexter, I ground out, doing my best to keep my tone level. Just…drop it on the deck and go get more stuff.

Wriggling happily, Dexter dropped Deadbeard and the figurehead bodily onto the deck and skittered off, vanishing over the edge of the ship. What even is my life?

Absorbing the figurehead netted me a nice five mana, bringing my total up to forty-five. With that out of the way, I turned my attention to Deadbeard. What am I going to do with you?

[Deadbeard – Undead Skeleton Pirate]

[Options]

Of course my minions would have a menu, why wouldn’t they? Tutorial! I can’t say it enough times; I. Need. A. Tutorial!

Well, let’s open the only option I got…cosmetics. Really? What is this, Hat Simulator?

God dammit.

I looked at Bubbles and mentally poked her, and somehow, I got her menu to pop up on the first try.

[Bubbles – Giant Crab]

[Options]

And open up Bubble’s options and…that’s it? Not even any options for Bubbles? Do only human…humanoids get cosmetics? That’s specieist.

Ugh, right, back to Deadbeard and his cosmetics. Only, instead of looking at his menu, I find that his pants have fallen down, due to his rotting rope belt having finally given up the ghost. Dammit, now I have to deal with this? I refuse to have my minions run around naked (animals and mutant animals notwithstanding), but where the hell am I going to get a belt for him?

There was a poof, and a cloud of smoke, and Deadbeard’s pants were back up around his hips. Held in place by a thick leather belt with a shiny buckle. One that looked very familiar…but how in the hell does Deadbeard have a pristine version of the belt I absorbed belowdecks?

Cosmetics. Of course. Does that mean I have, or can make copies of anything I absorb? The implications are simultaneously thrilling and terrifying.

Deciding that it was best not to think of such implications, I set about distracting myself by kitting up Deadbeard to the nines. A beige cotton shirt went on over his bare ribcage, tucked into the leather belt. A pair of seaboots covered his feet, making him just a bit taller and giving him better traction. Over his shoulders I settled a brown, knee-length oilskin coat, and finally, topped off the whole ensemble with a brown, oilskin tricorn hat. Although he was missing a sash, Deadbeard looked a right proper pirate captain now.

[Deadbeard promoted -> Pirate Captain Deadbeard]

What? No seriously, what? Promoted? Deadbeard has been promoted? To Pirate…Captain. Seriously? And all it took was giving him a hat? I call bullshit. I call hax. This ride is broken, I’d like to get off please.

My tirade trailed off, and I stared gormlessly as Deadbeard pulled a flintlock pistol from under his coat and gave me a ghoulish grin.

What the hell? Where’d he get a pistol? I didn’t give him that!!! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!

As I was freaking out, I heard a distinct clacking of carapace on wood behind me. Turning around, I was promptly assaulted by thirty-three pounds of angry octopus.