So, it took some doing, but I finally got the menu open. Blasted thing. I swear to God, it’s the most counter intuitive thing I’ve ever come across. You have to not think of it to think of it, and … GYAH! IT JUST GIVES ME A HEADACHE!

So, minions.

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 23/25]

[Construction*]

[Minions]

[Traps*]

Okay, poke the minions options and…viola…vio…that’s not right…

Anyways, minions.

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 23/25]

[Minions]

[Undead]

Well, ain’t that a decent amount of variety. Ugh, okay poke undead, and…

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 23/25]

[Minions]

[Undead]

[Undead Skeleton Pirate: 50 Mana]

Seriously? Seriously? Fifty mana for a single skeleton? That’s highway robbery! How the heck am I supposed to get a decent amount of minions if they cost so dang much? How did I even summon Deadbeard in the first place? …

Urgh…well, can’t do anything about it right now, they cost more than my mana capacity.

Right, let’s back out and…huh. What’s with these stars next to construction and traps? Let’s see, poke ‘construction’ and…

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 23/25]

[Construction]

[New Construction available]

[Construction unavailable]

[Claim Poopdeck – 30 Mana]

[Claim Gundeck – 35 Mana]

Oh look, new stuff. Let’s see … Construction unavailable? THEN WHAT’S THE FRICKEN POINT?!

Ugh, I swear, this damn thing…at least the poopdeck and gundeck are available. But Jiminy Cricket why are they so expensive? Ugh.

I swear to God, if I missed the tutorial on this thing and have to muddle through everything…no? No tutorial popup? Nothing at all?

…

God dammit.

Right, back to muddling. Traps. Let’s check traps.

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 23/25]

[Traps]

[Pits]

[Pit: 10 Mana]

[Spiked Pit: 15 Mana]

[Snares]

[Counterweight Rope Net: 10 Mana]

[Counterweight Canvas Net: 10 Mana]

[Counterweight Spiked Rope Net: 15 Mana]

Oh, we have actual options this time. This is looking better already.

And let’s see. Pits and snares. Under pits we have ten mana for a basic hole in the ground, fifteen for a hole with spikes at the bottom. Okay, okay, that’s … actually not bad. Certainly more obtainable than the fifty points needed for an undead skeleton pirate. Hopefully the snares are just as good and…they are. Ten mana for a counterweight rope or canvas net and fifteen for a counterweight rope net with wooden spikes in the knots. That sounds painful.

…

I’ll take it!

…later. First, I need to wait for Deadbeard to get back. I don’t want to spend mana willy-nilly, only to find out that Deadbeard…

Why did the sensation of eating a potato chip just go through me?

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 24/25]

[Mana +1]

And the menu’s popping up like a damned internet advertisement again. Let’s see…I’m saying that a lot, arent’ I? Regardless! What does the popup say?

Dungeon core, duh-duhduh duhda, mana twenty-four, mana plus one…mana plus one? Didn’t I just have…I think my mana’s regenerating. It’s only been…I have no idea, I have no sense of time apparently. Joy. Well, my mana’s regenerating. Don’t know how fast, don’t know what triggers it.

A TUTORIAL WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY NICE RIGHT ABOUT NOW!

*Sigh.* I miss school.

…that thought sickens me, and I don’t know why. Odd.

I was broken from my train of thought by the creaking of wood, and I turned to see Deadbeard coming down the stairs to the poopdeck. Well, that was quick. Let’s see what he’s got.

Three dead seagulls, a crab, and a coconut. Well, it’s something. I stare at Deadbeard’s bounty, the undead skeleton pirate holding his cargo out expectantly. Well, here goes nothing.

I reached out.

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 69/25]

[Seagull Carcass absorbed +10 Mana]

[Seagull Carcass absorbed +10 Mana]

[Seagull Carcass absorbed +10 Mana]

[Crab Carcass absorbed +10 Mana]

[Coconut absorbed +5 Mana]

Oh, I feel ill. Like stuffing your face until you vomit ill. Ooh. Quick, claim the poopdeck! Claim the gundeck!

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 4/35]

[Construction complete. Poopdeck claimed. +5 Mana Capacity]

[Construction complete. Gundeck claimed. +5 Mana Capacity]

Oh, that feels better. And hey, my mana capacity went up. Cool. Except now my mana is almost empty. Shoot. Well, that’s easily fixed.

Deadbeard, I commanded, in my best mad scientist voice. Bring me more things to absorb!

Cackling madly as Deadbeard walked off the side of the ship again, I hovered over to the stairs. First, the poopdeck, then; THE WORLD! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…ahem. ‘scuse me.

Getting to the top of the stairs, I looked around. And there’s nothing to absorb aside from two planks and a tangle of rope. Well, that’s free mana, so, yoink!

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 7/35]

Wow, three whole mana. Wow. Well, there’s still the gundeck. Maybe I’ll have better luck there.

Of course, there’s the question of actually getting down there. Well, I went through the door, maybe I can pass through the deck. Let’s see…and down we go. Hooray, it works!

Passing through the deck, I found myself on the gundeck, the area dimly lit by the open gun ports and the fact half the ship was missing.

Looking around, I couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.

Heh…heh heh heh…hee heeheehahahahaBWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Look at all the lovely lovely things to absorb!

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 41/35]

[Rusty 6lb Naval Cannon absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Rusty 6lb Naval Cannon absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Barrel of Clumpy Gunpower absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Flaking Cannonball absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Rusty 6lb Naval Cannon absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Rusty 6lb Naval Cannon absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Barrel of Clumpy Gunpower absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Barrel of Clumpy Gunpower absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Rusty 6lb Naval Cannon absorbed. +5 Mana]

[Broken Block and Tackle absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Flaking Cannonball absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Rusting Grapeshot absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Broken Chain absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Burnt Out Carcass Shot absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Rusted Canister absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Shattered Oil Lantern absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Burnt Out Oil Lantern absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Rotten Sponge absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Snapped Ramrod absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Broken Priming Iron absorbed. +1Mana]

[Bent Botefeux absorbed. +1 Mana]

[Rotting Box of Primer. +1 Mana]

Urp. Excuse me. Hurp. Ooh, that ate too much feeling is back. I probably shouldn’t have eaten all that at once, but…well, self-control never was a strong point of mine…I think.

Burp.

Ugh. Right let’s see what I can do with forty-one mana.

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 41/35]

[Construction*]

[Minions*]

[Traps*]

Ooh, lots of new stuff. Let’s click on construction and…no construction available. Go figure. Oh, but I can claim the berth deck for forty mana.

Mmm…later. Right now, I want to see look at the minions. Minions minions minions.

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 41/35]

[Minions]

[Undead]

[Undead Pirate Skeleton: 50 Mana]

[Avians]

[Seagull: 10 Mana]

[Crustaceans]

[Small Crab: 10 Mana]

Ooh, two new categories. Let’s take a looksie and…I’ve got seagulls and I’ve got crabs.

…that sounds unfortunate for some reason, but I haven’t the foggiest idea why.

Anywho…so it looks like seagulls and crabs are only ten mana apiece. Exactly what their corpses netted me. That’s awfully convenient, and somewhat suspect I should think. I feel like that’s an oversight of some sort.

Whatever, I’m not going to complain. Let’s move on to –

[Deadbeard killed.]

What? What!? The hell just happened? Deadbeard died? What the hell?!

HOLY CRAP, SHIT IS GOING DOWN! PANIC! PANIC! No, wait, don’t panic, I already did that.

Okay, okay, uh, what do I got? My one minion is dead, and I’ve got nothing. Shit!

I need minions. No, that won’t work. I can’t afford another undead skeleton pirate, and when was the last time anyone experienced death by crabs?

Why did I just get the urge to giggle? This is serious!

Minions are useless. Check the traps menu!

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 41/35]

[Traps]

[Pits]

[Pit: 10 Mana]

[Spiked Pit: 15 Mana]

[Snares]

[Counterweight Rope Net: 10 Mana]

[Counterweight Canvas Net: 10 Mana]

[Counterweight Spiked Rope Net: 15 Mana]

[Deadfall]

[Cannon Deadfall: 15 Mana]

[Net Full of Cannonballs: 15 Mana]

[Projectile]

[6Ibs Naval Cannon: 15 Mana]

[-Solid Shot: 5 Mana]

[-Grapeshot: 5 Mana]

Perfect! I can summon at least four traps, two if I go for lethal. It’s not much, but it’s better than nothing.

Okay, I’ll have to be careful with the placement.

Hovering over to the edge of the missing deck, I looked down. Okay, the gundeck is too high for anyone to jump or climb up to it…but the berth deck below is not. Crap. Between that and the collapsed mast and rigging on the poop deck, that’s two means of ingress. Not good.

Can I absorb the fallen mast? Well, only one way to find out.

Zipping upwards, I slid through the deck and out into the overcast day. Rushing over to the collapsed mast, I reached out and poked it. It made a rude noise at me.

Damn. Of course I’d have no such luck.

Okay, it’s not the end of the world. Let’s just go for lethal traps. I’ll just have to make sure to choose carefully.

No sooner had I purchased and set my chosen traps did the popups freeze and sputter out, to be replaced by a new popup the ominous shade of freshly spilled blood.

{Alert! Dungeon under attack! Invasion commencing!}

Oh damn. I finished my trap placement just in time.

Floating up through the roof, I exited the cabin to the poopdeck just in time to see three figures drop down from the fallen mast.

The first thing that I noticed was that they were not human. They had a head, and two arms and two legs like a human, but the similarities ended there. Their skin was hard and scaly, rippling over hard muscles in the overcast sun. Their heads were elongated, saurian maws filled with oversized razor fangs and slit yellow eyes glared balefully out from under horned brows. Lithe arms tipped with wickedly clawed fingers grasped at primitive weapons, and long, sinuous tails kept them balanced on digitigrade feet, their sharp talons digging into the sunbleached deck timbers.

They were, in a word, lizardmen. Which would be cool, if I wasn’t sure they had killed Deadbeard and were possibly here to do the same to me.

The first lizardman was a lanky brute, his scales a dull green-grey. He was nude save for a loincloth, with designs picked out on his chest in a red paint. He carried a spear, fashioned from a long tree branch and a sharp piece of black rock. A single red feather poked out from the crest of his skull.

The second lizardman was almost identical to the first, save that he was shorter and stockier, and his scales a dark muddy brown. He carried a club, which for all intents and purposes looked to be a gnarled piece of weather worn driftwood with a simple leather wrap as a grip. He too, had a single red feather sprouting from his skull.

The third and final lizardman was different. He was taller than the first, and broader than the second. His scaly skin was a dark blue-green, and short armored scutes like a crocodile’s ran down his back and tail. He had several feathers protruding from his skull, and in his hands, he carried a bladed club, fashioned from a plank of wood lined with razor sharp rocks.

I tensed up as the three lizardmen’s gazes passed over me, and then I relaxed when their eyes kept going without any indication they saw me. I’m not quite sure how they didn’t see me, but I won’t complain about it.

Waiting with metaphorical bated breath, I watched the lizardmen approach the railing overlooking the middle deck. Two of them clambered over the bannister and let themselves fall lightly to the deck below, but the third lizardman, the one with the spear, took the stairs.

I watched as the lizardman slowly and carefully descended the stairs. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest somehow as the lizardman stepped onto the deck. The deck splintered, and the lizardman fell. There was a squawk and a sickening squelch, then silence. The lizardman had fallen for my first trap.

Rushing over to the pitfall, the two remaining lizardmen stopped at the edge of the hole and looked down. I knew what they were seeing: the body of their comrade, impaled on a grove of sharpened spikes, his lifeblood soaking into the timbers beneath.

Hissing in rage, the two lizardmen gripped their weapons tight and looked around, before their gazes locked on the door to the cabin. The cabin where my core sat upon an old table. Hissing menacingly, they began to slowly advance on the door, carefully testing each step before committing to it.

Heart in my throat, I zipped down into the cabin. I’d have to trigger my last trap by myself.

Here goes nothing.

As I prepared myself, I could hear the lizardmen slowly getting closer, their talons clacking on the wooden deck. Clack. Clack. Clack. Silence. The doorknob rattled.

The cabin door was thrown open, and I watched as the two lizardmen found themselves face to barrel with the muzzle of a six-pound naval cannon.

Surprise, motherfucker!

*KABOOM!*

For a brief moment, I could see the shock and terror of dawning comprehension on the lizardmen’s faces. Then, they were gone, the two intruders reduced to so much chunky salsa by the spread of grapeshot.

[Intruders eliminated. Invasion concluded.]

As the red mist drifted down to stain the deck, I found myself letting out a sigh of relief. I’d done it. I’d won. I somehow felt a grin cross my face as a sense of elation flowed through me.

Hah! Take that! That’s what you get for taking on Fort Kickass!

[Name accepted. Name: Fort Kickass set.]

[Dungeon Core Fort Kickass Health 25/25 Mana 6/35]

I froze mid celebration, staring at the popup in front of me. Wut? I…how? No! I don’t want to be called ‘Fort Kickass!’ Why popup? Why?

Then, as if to add insult to injury, there was a disturbed warping sound as an undead pirate skeleton rose from the deck before me.

[Deadbeard revived.]

As Deadbeard turned his head to survey the wreck’s new red paintjob, all I could do was stare.

What!?