The first thing one should do upon waking up on a desert island in the middle of the ocean is to have a moment of panic, so as not to do it later at a most inopportune moment. This is especially true when you wake up to find that you also have no body and cannot move.

…

OH GOD I CAN’T MOVE! WHERE’S MY BODY!? I’M GOING TO DIE! OH GOD, MY FAMILY! AUGH! EVERYONE I KNOW AND LOVE THINKS I’M DEAD! I’M GOING TO BE STUCK HERE FOREVER! AUGH! WHERE’S WILSON?!? AUGH! OH GOD WHY!?!

…

Okay, I think I’m good, just got to—I HAVE NO MOUTH AND I MUST SCREAM! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-*

…I think I have it all out of my system now.

…

Okay, yes, I definitely have it out of my system.

Right, let’s take stock of the situation, shall we? Start with me. I have no body. I cannot move. I am just a floating ball of shiny, glowey…I don’t know what the fuck. Yet, I am still alive somehow. And most distressingly, I’m starting to get a bitch of an itch on my left asscheek, WHICH DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE SO HOW THE FLIPPITY-DO-DA DOES THAT WORK!?

Pardon, I seemed to have had some panicking left to do. Apologies.

Moving on.

Right, let’s take in my surroundings.

Let’s see, sand under my feet, can’t tell you if it’s fine or coarse BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE ANY FEET, colored the uniform grey of a dead, washed up jellyfish. Behind me, a dark and foreboding, sheer cliff face reaching up into the sky, which is completely overcast with ugly, dismal clouds. The water beyond the beach is murky and leaden, dirty white foam breaking over jagged rocks offshore. Beyond that, everything disappeared into a thick, impenetrable fog, and there’s flotsam and jetsam everywhere, including the rotting back half of a wrecked sailing ship half buried in the sand down the beach over there. All in all, the whole place’s just dark and depressing.

Did I die on a cruise or something? Jesus, you’d think I’d remember something like that. I mean, the place only looks like what I’d imagine Davy Jones’ Locker to look like. Just about the only things missing are the undead skeleton pirates wandering about.

There was a poof of dark, oily smoke and a disturbed warping sound, and suddenly there was an undead skeleton pirate clawing its way out of the sand to stand right in front of me.

JESUS CHRIST ON A POGOSTICK PUNTING PERVERTS!!!!

I tried to jump back, but of course, I couldn’t move, so I just ended up looking like a jackass as I flailed about metaphorically. Meanwhile, the undead skeleton pirate just stood there and stared at me impassively.

[First monster summoned. Undead Skeleton Pirate unlocked.]

I paused in my flailings, staring gormlessly at the little blue window that just popped up out of nowhere. Christ, even in the afterlife I can’t escape popups. It’s…ugh, it’s sticking to my face, it just follows me whenever I try to look somewhere else, dominating my vision.

Go. Go away. Go ‘way.

…

It’s not working. Maybe if I poke it?

Poke. Poke. Poke. Po – oh hey, that worked. No more annoying popup window. Just me and the undead skeleton pirate…which still hasn’t moved.

Wait. How the hell did I poke that popup? I don’t even have any fingers!

[Alert! Core unstable – territory required. Claim territory immediately to stabilize.]

I…what? Fucking hell!

Okay, so new popup, it’s telling me that the core is unstable and that I need to claim territory to stabilize it. What the heck does that even mean?

I looked down at the little shiny ball of glowiness that I had become. Is that the core? Am I the core? Feckin’ heck, that’s not good.

Claiming territory…I’m assuming that means just asserting that the given area under me is ‘mine,’ or something. Looking around though, I really don’t want to do it in the middle of the beach, right smack out in the open. I’m feeling horribly exposed here.

Okay, clock’s ticking, clock’s ticking. Um…

Looking around (vaguely noting that the popup had vanished at some point), I don’t really have many options. The beach is largely bare beyond random washed-up debris. The cliff behind me is basically just flat rocks and a few boulders buried in the sand. There’s the shipwreck over there, but I…huh. Actually, that’s not a bad idea, setting up in the wreck. It’d be thematically appropriate, at the very least, and I’d be out of the open in there.

NOW IF I COULD ONLY MOVE, I’D BE JUST DANDY!

I began looking about in exasperation, only then noticing that the undead pirate skeleton was still standing there, staring at me.

Oh, you’re still here?

The undead pirate skeleton nodded.

My metaphorical eyes metaphorically widened. Holy heck, you can understand me?

The undead pirate skeleton nodded again.

Holy crap! Wait, that first popup ad said something about summoning. Did I do that?

The undead pirate skeleton nodded once more. Apparently, he can hear me even when I’m not actively trying to talk to him. Go figure.

I gave the undead pirate skeleton a deadpan look, or at least the closest I could get without a face. We really need to give you a name beyond ‘undead pirate skeleton.’

I sat in thought for a moment, my glowing orb-body pulsing pleasantly as I looked over the undead pirate skeleton. He was skeletal (no duh), wearing only a ragged red bandanna on his head and a pair of rotting shorts around his hips and thighs. His pants were held up by an equally rotted rope belt, into which was tucked a notched and rusted cutlass with tarnished brass fittings.

Finally, I spoke up. Deadbeard. Your name is Deadbeard.

For the first time that I knew him (not long, admittedly) the newly christened Deadbeard made noise, an unsettling, full body chatter. It sent shivers up my nonexistent spine, most unpleasant believe you me.

Please don’t do that again. At least not near me. Shaking off the shivers, I looked reluctantly at Deadbeard’s hands; his bony, fleshless…regardless, I had an idea. Can you carry me?

Deadbeard hesitated, then slowly nodded.

I let out a sigh…somehow. Great. Can you carry me over to that shipwreck over… Crap, I don’t have any way to point. That shipwreck behind you and to the left by about twenty degrees?

Nodding, Deadbeard reached out, his hands slowly wrapping around my form like a man grabbing a baseball.

Oh God, bony fingers. Oh yuck. Oh gross. Euah, heebie jeebies! Ooh, if I had a face right now, I’d be making so many faces.

For a while we walked in silence, with only the shifting of the sands beneath Deadbeard’s feet and the crashing of the waves to distract me from the bony, fleshless phalanges holding me DON’TTHINKABOUTIT!

Oh, hey look, seagulls…I don’t like the way they’re looking at me. Go faster Deadbeard, go faster. OH SHIT, KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!

After a…brief encounter with the feather rats, we finally arrived in the shadow of the shipwreck. I bid Deadbeard to stand still while I gave it a good look over. It was…well, it had seen better days.

If I had to guess, I’d say that this used to be a frigate of some sort. Flat deck, hardly any aftcastle to speak of, just tall enough for a short man to stand tall without brushing his head against the roof. One of the two remaining masts was gone, just a splintered stump mounted into the deck just shy of the split hull. Of the other, it was somehow still attached to its mount atop the aftcastle, albeit fallen half off the ship in a mess of tangled cables and twisted sails. Along the side, a row of gunports were bared to the elements, most of the lids torn away or hanging precariously, with the rusted muzzles of naval cannons protruding here and there, like guards standing an eternal watch over the ruined ship. To top it off, the wreck was tilted forward somewhat, the back half of the back half hanging in the air, as if the whole thing was slowly sinking into the sands of the beach.

It was partially sunk into the sand actually, a miniature lagoon spreading out from the open hull breach. Hah. Hull breach seems a bit of an understatement: the front half of the ship was just gone, ripped away like someone had taken a giant cleaver to it amidships. All in all, a very sorry sight.

And despite all that, a very welcoming sight.

Directing Deadbeard up the collapsed mast onto the deck, we were shortly on the ship standing atop the poop deck. There was not much to speak of out on the gently tilted deck. A few moldering ropes, some splintered spars of wood, a rotting ship’s wheel. Whatever disaster had befallen this ship had scoured the deck clean.

Down the broken and rotting stairs to the main deck Deadbeard took me, and from there we entered the aftcastle cabin. It was just as cramped as I thought it’d be, and a right mess besides. It had been the captain’s quarters, I should think, given the furniture. Along one wall, a bed sat askew, the mattress and sheets long since rotted away. The collapsed ruins of a bookshelf sat sadly against another wall, its contents putrefied into masses of black slime. In the center of the cabin sat a table, a sturdy thing with a scarred surface. There were other things in the cabin, but time and the elements had worn them down beyond recognition.

Set me on the table please, Deadbeard, I requested. Gently, if you please.

Deadbeard did as asked, carefully setting me down in the center of the table. To my delight, I did not roll off the table like I had feared given the slight tilt to the room. I let out a sigh and metaphorically settled in. This was mine now.

Argleflarbleblarble!

No sooner had I thought those words did the strangest sensation pass through me. It was simultaneously a crushing pressure and a stretching growth, as if I was being pressed on all side by inflating balloons.

It was rather discomforting and disorientating.

Finally, the sensation passed, leaving me feeling rather…bloated, yet also somewhat satiated. How odd.

[Core Room established.]

Oh look, the popup’s back. Let’s see…core room established? The heck?

Almost immediately though, the popup was replaced by another popup.

[Broken Bed absorbed.

Shattered Bookcase absorbed.

Captain’s Table patterned.

Rotted Books absorbed.]

As the popup began listing items, I watched in amazement as the detritus and debris began to vanish, one object at a time, until the room was clear of everything but myself, the table, and Deadbeard.

Well…that was a thing. I’m a bit wigged out because I now know everything there is to know about the things I absorbed. And I mean everything.

Bleh.

Oh look, another popup. Let’s see what it says.

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 36/25]

[Construction]

[Minions]

[Traps]

Oh joy, a status bar and a menu. What is this, a video game? I … I … wait. What’s a video game? I don’t…I…I can’t…I don’t remember. Huh.

Actually, I can’t remember much of anything. This is mildly distressing.

God, I…I want to cry, to scream and rage at whatever did this to me, I…I can’t deal with this right now. I need a distraction.

Seeing the menu popup, I began poking it vigorously. Construct. Construct. Construct. Constru-*

[Construction]

[No construction available.]

[Claim middle deck? Y/N]

No construction available? What the hell? That’s just not fair. Well, I can still claim the middle deck at least. That’s the main deck, right? Let’s say…yes.

Arklefarkle!

Immediately, the energy just left me, my shiny ball—my core—dimming from a bright light to a mere flicker. It felt like something was sucking the life out of me.

Feeling like I’d just woken up to the worst hangover in the history of history, I looked at the new, slightly wobbly popup that appeared in my vision. Oh wait, no, I...I…I’m the one that’s wobbly. Ugh.

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 11/25]

[Construction Complete. Middle deck claimed.]

Hooray. I claimed the middle deck. Whoo. Let’s go check it out.

Drunkenly wobbling into the air, I bobbed past Deadbeard and through the closed cabin door out into the sunshine. Oh, this is nice.

Waitaminute…how did I get out here? I can’t move?

I looked around. Apparently, I can. How od—wait. Where’s my core?

Turning around, I hovered back through the door, to see my shiny ball sitting nice and pretty on the table there. Astral projection. Neat, but how did I do it?

Eh, question later, explore now. I can move again, and by God, I’m going to take advantage of it.

I moved back to the middle deck and looked around at the debris on the floor (it’s called the sole, iddn’t?). Why wasn’t all this stuff absorbed like when I claimed the cabin? Curious, I ‘leaned’ down and poked a tangled coil of rope.

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25/25 Mana 12/25]

[Frayed Rope absorbed. +1 Mana.]

I get mana if I absorb stuff? Neat.

Feeling giddy, I ran (hovered, whatever) around the deck, absorbing everything I could find.

[Dungeon Core **** Health 25 Mana 23/25]

[Broken Spar absorbed. +1 Mana.]

[Broken Railing Piece absorbed. +1 Mana.]

[Torn Canvas Sail absorbed. +5 Mana.]

[Broken plank absorbed. +1 Mana.]

[Rusty Cannonball absorbed. +2 Mana.]

[Broken tackle absorbed. +1 Mana.]

[Tangled Net absorbed. +1 Mana.]

Everything absorbable was gone all too soon, but it left me feeling…not satiated, but like I’d just had a filling snack. Which was nice, because I was almost back up to full mana. I bet myself that I could find more things to absorb on the poopdeck. However, when I tried to go up the stairs, I just…couldn’t. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not move forward.

And then a new popup popped up.

[Poopdeck available to claim.]

[Claim Poopdeck? Y/N]

I snorted. Yes, claim the poopdeck. I poked yes.

The popup proceeded to make a rude noise at me.

[Insufficient mana. 30 Mana required.]

[23/30 Mana]

I stared at the popup in exasperation. Well, that’s just typical. And me without things to absorb.

Well, I can’t leave. But maybe…

Deadbeard, I called. The cabin door opened, and the undead pirate skeleton stepped out into the overcast sunlight. Deadbeard, I need more mana. Could you go and bring me things to absorb?

Nodding, Deadbeard turned and walked over to a broken gap in the railing along the side of the ship…and promptly walked right off the edge. I was still staring in shock when I heard the clatter of scattering bones. Hovering quickly over to the side of the ship, I was relieved to see Deadbeard was no worse for wear. No bones were broken, just simply scattered about as he literally pulled himself back together.

I moved away from the edge of the deck. Well, that was a relief. I don’t know what I’d do if I’d lost Deadbeard.

Actually…didn’t the menu popup have a minions option? I should check that out while Deadbeard pulls himself together.

Let’s see…how do I get the menu popup to work?