We trudged out the dungeon the normal way, despite the encounters that forced, because I would honestly have felt kind of like an asshole just quickloading out in the event that reality continued without me and they had to leave on their own. The whole "not knowing the nature of reality" thing was really a pain in the neck, but arguably that held true for everyone so I couldn't complain.

The riddle of Medea's secret was naturally an answer we couldn't figure out on our own. We couldn't even really figure out why it had asked that question specifically, and Rose's best attempts at philosophy fell flat. I suppose you could only bluster for so long. Sophia and Hilda were both frowning at me, like I was having an affair, but I didn't know how they could be jealous of someone I had met exactly once.

Upon returning to the palace I sent the others away for lunch while I went to the church alone. I didn't want Hilda casting a curse on Medea, nor did I really want to show up at the church with two princesses, undercover or not. The last thing I wanted here was to spook Medea the fuck out and throw myself into a series of loops where I had to stalk her to find the answer to this secret. Ideally I would come alone, smooth talk it out of her the first time, and we could be back on our merry way. The day was only half done, so we had time to strut right back to where we had been and get a glimpse of Floor 4, probably.

I found Medea in the church exactly where she had been last time, praying in front of the altar. It was once again such a peaceful sight I felt rude interrupting, but I did what I had to do.

"Hello," I called. She stopped praying and turned, her flowing blue robes rippling along with her braid of lighter blue hair. She welcomed me with the same peaceful smile.

"Oh my, I did not expect you to visit again so soon, Heir. It is a pleasure to see you," she said warmly.

"The truth is, something came up, and I actually could use your help."

"Oh? Pray tell, what exactly is that something?"

"It's a bit weird. Don't laugh, okay?"

"Of course. A woman of faith would never mock one of her flock."

"Alright. So. I was in the Malgreed Dungeon, blasting through riddles on the third floor without any outside help, when suddenly this golden gate pops up and asks a riddle I can't answer."

Medea blinked. There was a pause. "You are... on the third floor of the Malgreed Dungeon?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"So soon...? Did you not arrive yesterday and leave this morning?"

"What can I say, they don't call me Malcador 'Dungeon Buster' the Hero for nothing."

She looked at me with wonder, then nodded. "Ah. I see. What did the golden gate ask, then?"

"Well, this is going to sound crazy, but it asked me: 'What is Medea's secret,' word for word."

Her face twitched. Her smile faltered for a moment, and she looked at the floor in disbelief for a second. Eventually, though, she looked back up.

"Do you know the significance of the golden gate, by chance?" she asked.

"No. Do you?"

"Indeed. It is perhaps the most famous part of Malgreed Dungeon," she began, "although perhaps it would be more accurate to say it is the only part that is not infamous. For while Malgreed is an evil place designed to suck joy and time out of all those who enter, a quirk of circumstance resulted in one of its most challenging obstacles being a treasure widely sought after by man. You see," she continued, stepping closer to me. "The golden gate is known as the Gate of True Happiness, for it reads the mind of who approaches it, and divines the question that will most directly lead to their happiness. For it is human nature to deny themselves happiness, to fear change and make excuses for not grasping what they really want, even when it is right in front of them. Right, in, front of them."

She stepped closer, until the only thing stopping her from moving forward was my armor.

"Er... What?" I asked.

"There is no question harder for the average man to ask than 'What will make me happy?', and no answer harder to follow. We willfully deny ourselves happiness and understanding at every turn, which makes the gate's riddle impossible to ever answer for many. The Gate of True Hapinness is thus both devilish and an icon of hope, for it both forestalls progress in the dungeon and guides men down the proper path, should they be willing to grasp what was waiting right in front of them all along. It is like plucking a ripe fruit begging to be picked and eaten, after rationalizing for days why you do not want the ripe fruit and why it would not be right to eat the ripe fruit."

"Okay, I get the philosophy behind the question, but why would it ask me what your secret is?"

"I can only assume the Gate of True Happiness's intent, but perhaps it is because my secret..." She reached up, and cupped my cheeks with both hands. "...is that I am a naughty, naughty priestess who loves the Heir far more than she loves the Goddess."

Time froze.

The problem with having a slut sense is that you don't actually want it to be right, but it always is. Was nothing sacred? Could I find no rest even in a chaste nun who has likely never thought about sex once in her entire life? This romance subplot was getting out of hand. I needed to save Queen Daiya as soon as possible. It was clear to me now that my only solace would be an asexual rock literally incapable of feeling love or lust.

"Should I tell that to the gate word for word? Like, 'Medea's secret is that she loves the Heir more than the Goddess'?" I asked. Admittedly, it was pretty thick headed to ask that when a beautiful nun was cupping your cheeks in a romantic way after making the confession of a lifetime, but my priority here was the gate. I needed my asexual rock queen. I needed a shoulder to cry on that wouldn't be plotting ways to fuck me the entire time.

"I suspect it will open," she whispered, standing on her tip toes while pushing out her lips for a kiss. I was taller than her by enough that I would need to bend over. Ah, what the hell.

I kissed her. Plucking that ripe fruit. Whatever. See? This is what I meant by the dildo thing. I was completely unmoved here. Another slut wanted the Malcador D, and I was obliging more out of obligation than desire. It was a surprisingly nice kiss, though. She was getting pretty heated for a priestess. Woah, that's a lot of tongue. Wait. Oh shit. She started attempting to undo my armor. Jesus Christ where do nuns even learn about sex here?

I pulled back and stepped away. Medea was breathing hard and looking at me with wide, bloodshot eyes that radiated obsession. Her erect nipples poked through her nun habit. Girls here sure had hard nipples. I wondered if this was how hot girls felt back on Earth. Like, "wow look at all these boner tents everywhere I go," except they're nipple tents. This experience was really helping me flip the gender chessboard more often.

She licked her lips in classic post-kiss fashion. "You truly are the man of my dreams, Heir. Your presence is more intoxicating than I ever could have imagined, and oh how have I imagined..."

"Thanks, you too." I turned to leave. As far as I was concerned, that was the end of this romance subplot. I had absolutely no idea why the Gate of True Happiness thought this would make me happier than anything else in the world, but maybe it was busted. Or maybe it was a long-term thing. Like the seeds Medea planted here would take root in my consciousness and then ten years later I'd be like "Damn I'm glad I made out with that slutty nun, it turns out making out with slutty nuns is the key to true happiness."

"Before you go," she called. I stopped and turned. I wasn't about to ignore her, y'know. "May I ask a small question?"

"Sure. You answered mine."

"Could it be that the Goddess has granted you the ability to travel through time?" she asked.

I blinked. What, was my fast progress through the dungeon that noticeable? I supposed that made sense. It was, apparently, an infamous time-wasting hellhole. Maybe anyone familiar with its layout would be surprised to hear its first three floors were conquered in a single morning.

"What would you do if I said yes?"

Medea gave a shy smile. "I would like to ask a small favor, if you do not mind."

"Yeah...?"

"I happened to burn one of my books by accident this morning. A dreadful accident with a bit of melted wax and an unwatchful eye. Would you kindly drop by the church in the morning to warn me? It was one of my favorite books, and I was just praying in sorrow for having lost it forever."

I thought that over. I mean, it would be a bit annoying, but why not? The church wasn't too far from my usual route, since it was built into the palace and everything.

"Sure," I nodded.

Medea smiled warmly. She would have been the spitting image of a chaste priestess again if not for her painfully erect nipples. How were they even visible when her nun habit was so thick? "Thank you," she said.

With that, I left.

Ha ha. Hard to grasp the happiness right in front of us. Ha ha. Ripe fruit. Ha ha. Waking up in bed with Sophia and Rose but not fucking them. Ha ha. That slutty priestess was dangerous. She made having rampant sex sound like gospel to believe in, probably just so that I would fuck her too. And it almost worked. I was almost ready to believe that I simply wasn't grasping the happiness in front of me like a fool and I would be happier if I more readily fucked the harem of beautiful women throwing themselves at me. But that idea was ridiculous, and born from the lies of a slutty priestess. For shame. I had morals on my side. I was not about to fuck during a time loop where they couldn't even remember it happening. My code of ethics was simply too strong.

Luckily, I had the answer I needed for the Gate of True Happiness, as strange as it was. Kind of funny that she hyped it up as some ultimate challenge that cucked so many people before me from going lower in the dungeon, whereas in my case I just had to drop by a church and make out with a slutty nun for a bit. Maybe it was the gate's way of repaying me for all the hell it put me through. Like here bro, have a slutty nun, no hard feelings ok?

Sorry, dungeon, but that's not gonna cut it. Maybe if there were like fifty of them that all looked like Rose wait shit.

I shook the unbidden thoughts from my head and marched to the dining hall to join the others for lunch. My thoughts were increasingly turning to Rose and Sophia against my will, or so it felt anyway. Unbidden thoughts of them and their faces and smells and tastes had started to flash through my mind all the time. I guess you didn't wake up in bed with someone over a hundred times without them starting to dominate your thoughts a bit. Maybe I should take up meditation to help pare the thoughts down. That should work.

Anyway, I reached the dining hall and sat down with the others.

"Well?" Rose asked. Hilda and Sophia stared at me out of the corner of their eyes while pretending to focus on their food. Everyone wanted to know Medea's big secret.

"I managed to squeeze the secret out of her. We should be good to go back down."

"And what was the secret?"

"Uuuuh."

Staaaaaaaaaare.

"Well. Interesting fact: Did you know the golden gate we saw is actually known as the Gate of True Happiness? Funny stuff."

Rose's mouth bent into a frown. Sophia scowled. Hilda buried her face in her hands.

"And, this is where it gets really funny, the gate asks the question that will lead to whatever will make you the most happy at the moment. Except usually it's hard for people to accept what makes them happy, so..." I trailed off. What the fuck were these murderous looks. Rose giving me that look was especially terrifying, since she had literally murdered me in the past after giving a look like that, way back when at the battlefield. My life was in genuine danger and I felt it.

I stood up abruptly. "Wow, look at the time. I need to, uh, loop back."

Rose, Sophia, and Hilda all stood up as well, surrounding me. Technically that wouldn't stop me from looping back, but the intimidation factor kept me silent. Jesus Christ. The cold war was melting fast, in a bad way. This was an alternate history where the Soviet Union launched the nuke from Cuba. It's over. It's fucking over. Game over, man. The only winning move was not to play but I fucking leapt into the game like my life depended on it.

"T-Tell us her secret," Hilda said, stammering but no less intense for it.

"What did you do in the church?!" Sophia demanded.

"You need to share information with your party members, Malcador," Rose said in a chilly voice.

What the fuck. Was this the most cliché harem moment of all time? How was this really happening? The worst part was, this wasn't like one of those situations where I could play it off and then the camera would zoom to the sky while I let out a comical scream, only for the camera to flip back to show me with a bump on my forehead. I wouldn't get off so easily. They would tie me to a bed so I couldn't cheat (?) on them and then fuck me to death forever. For some terrible reason, the harem that had flocked around me consisted of women capable of and willing to commit extreme violence.

"Rose," I said, turning to her. "Come on. You're reasonable. You know this was out of my control. Right?"

"Of course," she replied, hand straying to her bloody sword. Sh-She was just joking, right? The Rose wouldn't go so mad from jealousy that she would stab me, right? Or, more likely, go run over and stab Medea to death? That was something an obsessed stalker would do, not a rational woman with totally normal and healthy love for someone. Clearly she was just recognizing the absurdity of the situation and playacting as a stalker to fit in with Sophia and Hilda. God, what a good friend. She didn't want to make Hilda and Sophia feel foolish by remaining totally calm and unbothered in this situation. To think she would go so far for them. Her acting was so good it was indistinguishable from actual jealousy.

"Okay, okay, okay. Her secret was that she loved me. Big surprise, right? I left basically right after she told me. I don't get why the gate sent me to learn that, but I really doubt there's true happiness there. I'm more than happy already."

The three of them eyed me flatly. Eventually, Rose sat back down, and Sophia followed, pouting. Hilda looked back and forth between them and me in disbelief. "W-Wait! Why are you sitting? We need to keep up the interrogation!"

"Well," Rose said. "On second thought, she isn't one of the Five."

Sophia nodded. "She's not competition. If they didn't do anything, it doesn't matter. I'll win in the end," she said, which was unusually honest for her. She probably was just talking to Hilda without really thinking about the fact I could hear. Cute. The tsundere finally lets her inner thoughts slip.

She looked at me, as if only then realizing what she said. "D-Don't get the wrong idea, idiot! I mean competition for getting kills in battle! She can't keep up with us!"

Ha ha. OK. Anyway, the takeaway from this was that they weren't even mad at me. All that rage and murder in their eyes had been all for Medea. If I had said something like "we fucked," they would have gone to murder her to remove the competition, rather than unleashing their anger onto me. That was comforting, at least. Maybe. A little.

I sat back down, and Hilda reluctantly did so too. The frown on her face made it clear she was feeling left out. After all, she wasn't one of the Five like Rose and Sophia. She didn't share their bond, and really, their dismissal of Medea was like a dismissal of her. She wasn't even competition in their eyes, which was kind of fucked up. Sophia and her washboard chest should be more afraid of Hilda than anyone. Each of Hilda's melons were bigger than Sophia's head for the Goddess's sake. Sophia should be groveling before her and begging for just a drop of breast milk in hopes of spiritually influencing the future growth of her body. The prophecy was fucking up the natural hierarchy of the world here, and it wasn't right.

Maybe Hilda realized that too, because she gave a small smirk. It was easy to miss, but I noticed, since I was staring at her chest and caught it out of the corner of my eye. It was honestly kind of a mean-spirited smirk, but I could hardly blame her. How else was a melon-breasted sex goddess going to react to a flattie acting smug? A smirk was the only natural reaction.

(Note: I call Sophia a flattie out of love. I yearned to press my ear against her flat chest to hear the beating of her heart just as much as I yearned to suffocate within Hilda's melons. A wise man once said that the size of breasts didn't matter so much as the fact that they were attached to someone you loved, which seemed true to me. Though Rose still had the objectively perfect boob size wait fuck fuck fuck. Evacuating cringe monologue.)

We talked about what to do next and decided to go back to the dungeon after some lunch. I somewhat doubted we would finish Floor 4 in the same day, much less beat the boss first try, but why not try, right?

After a leisurely lunch, we headed back down to the dungeon. Down the elevator, down the rocky tunnel, through floor one (which had re-locked itself in our absence). We were in no hurry, and took our time. Maybe that was why it happened. We just dragged it on too much.

With this character's death, the thread of prophecy is severed. Restore a saved game to restore the weave of fate, or persist in the doomed world you have created.

Eeeeh?

That felt early, but I had no way of knowing, really. It had only happened once before in this loop scenario, and that was after we spent so much time in the dungeon that time more or less lost all meaning. I had thought it happened at the end of the day, but maybe it happened in the afternoon. Oh well.

"Bad news," I said. They looked at me. "The queen is dead. I have to go back."

Frowns all around, but there wasn't much wiggle room. "I suppose you have no choice," Rose said. "Shall we see Floor 4 before you go?"

"Yeah, might as well. We have like an hour or whatever before I get trauma'd in the face."

We went through the teleporter """"maze"""", which took a bit longer than one might expect since we had to go in groups of two and we double-checked the teleporters repeatedly so as to not accidentally select a wrong one and die a slow, painful death.

The third floor gates were closed again, but Rose just had to repeat herself. I used the time to try to memorize her answers in case I had to come here alone. They were simple enough, since you basically just had to think 'what is the most pretentious answer possible?' and it would be right nine times out of ten.

We reached the Gate of True Happiness, which again morphed into a question as I approached.

What is Medea's secret?

"She loves me," I said aloud, feeling kind of embarrassed. As if that was something only a smug fuck would say.

Silence. The gate didn't move. Hmm.

I frowned, trying to remember Medea's exact words. Uhhh...

"She's a naughty, naughty priestess?" I tried. There was silence, which was why I heard the arrow being knocked. I turned around to see Sophia readying her bow while Rose gritted her teeth. Oh fuuuck. "Sorry, sorry! I'm just trying random things! Hahahahaha!"

This loop couldn't end soon enough. They wouldn't remember the gate was called the Gate of True Happiness next loop, and Rose would be freed of acting obsessed for Sophia's sake. I turned back to the gate.

"She loves me more than she loves the Goddess?" I tried, and this time it worked. The gate began to open. Why the fuck did that work but not her loving me in general? This entire floor was ridiculous and arbitrary. I could not fathom anything worse. Floor 4 was going to be heaven in comparison no matter what it was.

In any case, I ignored them staring daggers into my back and advanced forward. The staircase down was just up ahead. We climbed down, and down, and down until we reached the fourth floor's door. Pressed for time, I spared no time for dramatics before throwing the doors open.

What I saw before me brought me to my knees. I fell and cursed the name of every god I could think of. I wept, and wept, and gnashed my teeth. I was struck with the urge to loop not by quickloading, but by beating my head in with a rock, in hopes I would forget the sight before me.

"It's... It's..."

"What?"

"IT'S A WATER DUNGEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! AAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

A maze of flowing rivers and switches for raising and lowering the water level stretched out before me, as far as the eye could see. They wove together to form a complex puzzle that no doubt required immense foresight, backtracking, and planning. Blindly stumbling forward would never work. Only sheer, sheer tedium. I was aghast. The fucking dungeon had done it. It had fucking topped 157 loops. I feared this more than the teleporter """maze""". As I muttered quickload, there was one emotion dominating my mind: pure agony. This was where fun had come to die, and I was going to die with it.