101

--The Enclave--

The sun was warm and bright and somehow gave her enough strength not to just fall apart where she sat. The day was almost over, now, and she’d wasted most of it on worries.

She wasn’t sure if she felt so exhausted because she was afraid of Bahena and the garuli, or if it wouldn’t have made much of a difference if she were garuli or not. Constantly walking around eggshells was sure to make anyone stress out around anyone — but with Bahena it was becoming increasingly frustrating. There more pressing matters in her life to worry about then whether or not she was stepping on one of the garule woman’s territorial bombs. Sathuren may like to insist that Bahena wanted to be her friend, but the more Dassah accepted the garuli, the less she understood them and their way of thinking.

Damned if I do, damned if I don’t, she thought. Too bad Tea and Miko were just internet friends. Getting along with them always seemed more natural — but then, so was being with Ibraxis before she knew who he was in real life. There was also the fact that it seemed that, besides Bahena, they were all male.

Maybe it was a gender thing. She hadn’t thought much of the face that she never saw too many garuli women around in TheirWorld or on The Enclave itself. Those she did see were very often alone, or with others of their own kind. Those like Bahena, and the garule woman on the team they’d met before fighting Othren were exceptions, not rules.

Or maybe it’s just you, she scoffed at herself. She’d never been much good with other girls. Even with Stella. The only reason Stella was her friend was because of, well, Stella.

Dassah rubbed her temples. Everything was giving her a headache.

Would she have to go through this with every non-human friend she gained? The constant fears of offense? The weight of all the cultural intricacies she’d have to learn to get anywhere in this new world suddenly felt very heavy. In a way, she was thankful that the garuli were the first she’d really been force to confront. They’d always been the ones she’d never had any intentions of dealing with — and now she certainly had better reasons than ‘they have teeth and claws’ to never get involved with them if she ever changed bosses.

Of course, all of it seemed silly to her with her apparent impending doom — not that she could turn the twisting of her insides off in regards to other worries.

Her watched dinged with a message. Hoping it was Grim, she quickly opened up her console — then her heart filled with dread as she read Sathuren’s name instead. She was beginning to think that the man had a sixth sense.

Sathuren: Sorry — it’s been a busy day. I didn’t get your message until now. Don’t worry about it. Sathuren: Seeing that I don’t really remember much after my third or fourth drink, I think you’re fine. I was more worried about the stuff I may have said, but since you’re talking to me, I guess it was fine? Sathuren: You feeling alright? New foods don’t always sit well.

A rush of guilt and relief swept over her and all the sudden all she wanted to do was cry. Of all the people who could have messaged her at that moment, the person who was there for her was a garuli; one of those she had just thought of abandoning as if they were nothing to her.

While she was walking on eggshells with Bahena, she’d been stepping on landmines with Sathuren and all he ever did was scold her, lecture her, or laugh at her. It made her feel awful, but at the same time, she wasn’t near as afraid of him, or making mistakes around him, as she was Bahena. She wanted to tell him everything — to ask what she did wrong. But she was his sister. His family. And Dassah was just a bumbling idiot. Eyes tearing, she responded:

Dassah: You were fine. I’m okay. Sathuren: … Sathuren: How is my sister?

Staring at the words for a moment, she debated on whether or not to follow her first instincts of being honest with him, or her secondary instincts that told her she’d burned enough bridges for one day. She was afraid that it was very much turning into a situation where someone would have to take sides. Either one would end up taking her side, or they would both end up turning against her. Neither prospect made her happy.

Dassah: She’s fine.

There was a pause between the messages, but she could see that the typing indicator on his side was going on and off. She wondered if she should have elaborated more, but before she thought of some better excuse for herself, he sent:

Sathuren: ...if that’s as much a lie as I think it is, can I assume that the other part was a lie, too?

Feeling a bit like a criminal caught in the act, she tried to laugh it off.

Dassah: Haha, what do you mean? Sathuren: I know my sister. Dassah: And?

Again, he seemed to have trouble typing. Dassah clicked off her console and curled up into a ball on her chair. Quiet tears welled up and fell down her cheeks as she was overwhelmed by the desire to just go home and give up. Nothing today felt right to her. All she wanted was to hide under a rock until everyone, and everything, went away.

Not long now, she told herself. The day would end soon, and once she got out of the office she’d be free. She’d go home, get ready for dinner with Jake, and then she’d be able to start prying into his involvement with Varier Corporation. Maybe that would set her heart to rest. And maybe, between now and then, Grim would call her.

Her phone dinged, but she ignored it. Sathuren had probably managed to figure out what to say, but she didn’t have the strength to deal with it.

Then it rang.

Dassah looked at her watch half-heartedly. Once again, it wasn’t Grim. It was Sathuren. Tsking, she wiped her eyes off on her sleeve and answered.

“Hello?” she went.

“What happened?” The disapproval in Sathuren’s voice was almost palatable. “And before you try tell me ‘it’s fine’ again, I already heard it all from my sister.”

Dassah laughed for lack of a better response. “Oh good,” she said, wondering if garuli could even understand sarcasm. “Of course she did. I’ll bet I make a fascinating villain in her little story. Well, I guess that makes things easier. Are you going to be pissed at me too, then?”

“I’d rather hear your side —”

“Does it even matter?” she snapped. Anger and self hatred filled her as she failed to get a hold of her emotions. Even as her mind told her that he didn’t deserve this from her, her lack of self control got the better of her. “I said it before, and I’ll say it again, I’m not your friend — either of you.”

“Dassah...”

“What?”

“Calm down.”

“Look,” she said, sniffling. “I have my own problems, okay? I can’t be in the middle of… whatever is going on between the two of you. I just can’t…”

At that, he was quiet. She knew his silence meant something, but she wasn’t sure what. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know what. If she knew him at all, the next thing he would try to do was console her in an attempt to be diplomatic. He’d be kind. He’d be considerate. He’d be understanding.

And, more than likely, he’d be right about whatever he said. And she’d hate it.

“Sav —”

“Okay,” he said, his voice gruff and husky.

She blinked. “Huh?”

“Diiiiii —”

The call had ended.

Dassah stared at her watch in mild shock, then chuckled. Of course, she thought to herself, leaning forward to put her head in her hands. He’s probably tired of dealing with me too, after everything I’ve said. That was how it should be, she knew. Some relationships were best left to the game world. The game world was where Ibraxis and Guin should have stayed; where their friendship began and ended.

As she sat, staring out at the ocean, the wish that she were able to be Guin instead of Dassah left her shattered.