My first date was typical of many of the men and women present at this speed dating event in that they were all either too old or too young. In this particular young lady’s case, she was too young. She was just turning nineteen. I mean that literally. She was still eighteen a mere two weeks ago.

She was petite. Her figure was full, but still just healthily chubby. She had blond hair. Pale. Almost white. Her complexion was even paler. Her eyes were red. Overall, her looks could be mistaken for albinism, but the truth was that this young lady was just a dhampir. Half-human, half-vampire. Her face was round, she had an upturned nose, her mouth was just slightly too small for her face, her chin was slightly weak, but the strength of her jawline made up for it. She also wore glasses, needing the lenses to restrain an overly strong “blood sight” ability.

The cosmetic augmentations that were popular in this day and age assured that her already decent natural looks were bumped up a notch. She would have been cute before but now she was “as seen on tv” cute. The kind of cute that was actually closer to pretty, or beautiful, but the media continued to insist was just “cute” for some inexplicable reason. In the same way, pretty girls can be seen as homely in film, simply for wearing glasses.

Besides her looks, her demeanour was subdued. She sat slouched, looking faintly defeated. Her body language was very closed off. Arms crossed. Her eyes watching me but also looking everywhere except directly at me. She spoke in this hushed, slightly hurried voice that would have been hard to catch if I didn’t have inhumanly sharp senses.

In a lot of ways, she reminded me of Margot when I first met her…. She reminded me of a Margot Wallace without the borderline-megalomaniacal ambition, the slightly manic drive, and the strange mixture of fatalism and optimism that had initially attracted my interest. Which basically meant that my only impression of her, was that of a defeated, depressed, somewhat pitiable, shrinking violet.

This and some very drastic differences in her life goals and Me and Margot’s life goals made it quite clear that this young lady wouldn’t be a very good fit for our fledgling family. Naturally, I didn’t say any of this to the young lady during our fifteen minutes together. First of all, there was no guarantee that I was her cup of tea either, it would have made me seem like a damn egomaniac for me to “graciously” inform the girl that things just weren’t going to work out. Especially when there were little cards we were given that could do that job discreetly with much less awkwardness.

Despite knowing things were likely not going to work out, we had a fairly decent conversation. Before our time ran out, I tried to give the young woman a number of clues and tips for dealing with her situation. Alas, since I was a stranger, I’m afraid I ended up being a bit cryptic and roundabout in giving those tips.

The next couple of dates were much less uncanny. I went through two nopes, and one maybe. The maybe was a dark-haired woman from a large clan of martial cultivators. In terms of goals and personality, she seemed to be a match. However, somehow we just didn’t seem to click as well as we could have, and I wasn’t sure if it was just the awkwardness of the setting, or if we simply weren’t compatible. Which was why she was a maybe, instead of a yes, or a no. Thankfully the event planners considered such circumstances when designing those handy cards of theirs.

My fifth date was a familiar face. A very familiar face. Pale, cold, and impassive. So pretty it almost dipped into the uncanny valley. Her head topped with blood-red hair that was cut in stylish if ultimately utilitarian fashion. It was my second favourite fairy, after the ringing one that was known for helping a certain young tweenager in tights with his child abduction and pirate fighting escapades.

“Hey…” said I.

“...Shit,” said Maci.

“Oof...I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but-...” I said. Speaking in a tone of semi-joking hurt.

“No. That’s...That wasn’t because of you. Or at least it wasn’t because of you specifically. I just...didn’t think I’d run into anyone I knew at this thing,” said Maci. Sighing. Her usual tonelessness replaced with chagrin and an air of exhaustion.

“Ah, that’s why you’re at a mortal speed dating event instead of something a little more your speed,” said I.

“...Yeah, Pretty much. Speaking of, I’m pretty sure you’re more my speed too, so what are you doing here?” said Maci.

“No, offense, but in three words or less how would you describe nine out of ten single immortals?” said I. Leaning back and taking a sip of my wine, while absentmindedly gazing out the starry vistas of our current simulated venue.

“Mhm, psycho-/socio- pathic, deceitful, ...and hm, I’m struggling to decide between saying machiavellian, or just using the word ‘shitty’…” said Maci.

“Meh, since we’re friends I’ll let you cheat,” I said. Winking.

“Fair enough. Thanks. In that case, I’d have to say most single immortals who say they’re in the market for ‘something serious, are generally, psychopathic, deceitful, distastefully machiavellian, and just plainly shitty...and the ones that aren’t all those things will usually be creepily co-dependent, with no sense of boundaries, and often will keep going on and on about wanting you to be their ‘brood queen’...”

I raised my brow at Maci when she got to that last half. She furrowed her brow, looking faintly uncomfortable as she realized she might have overshared a bit.

“It’s been a rough couple of months...My mother’s attention span is proving to be a little more endearing than it usually is… The old biddies she hangs around with added oil to the fire, now the old bitch has basically crawled up me and Darla’s assholes on a semi-permanent basis. Pushing us to go and make her some grandkids…”

“My condolences…Hearing what you’re going through almost makes me glad I never had parents,” I said. Taking another sip of wine.

“Eh, I might not go that far. She's an evil old shrew, but she has her moments...Wait, by ‘never had parents’, do you mean you’re one of those immortals that were created by cosmic forces, or in a workshop, or are you saying you’re an orphan...because if its latter I suppose I’m being monstrously insensitive and owe you an apology…”

“Nah, no apology needed. No offense taken. Honestly, wouldn’t it be a bit asinine of me to hear you griping about your overbearing mother and go all…’at least you still have a mother’...Besides, the question you just asked is actually more complicated than you’d think. Complicated enough that I’m honestly not clear on the answer, most days,” I said. My brow furrowing as I considered the matter.

“Hm, curious...Either way, I’m changing the subject now, because I’m feeling a little uncomfortable,” said Maci.

“How refreshingly upfront...Okay, what do you want to talk about next?” I said. Chuckling.

“Hm, let me think...Oh, I know. How about you?” said Maci.

“Me?” I said. Skeptical.

Maci nodded.

“Yes, You. You’re the next topic,” said Maci.

“You’ve become quite the talk of the town, you know,” said Maci.

I frowned. Not liking the sound of that. While I might not have been in hiding, I hadn’t exactly gone out of my way to spread news of anything I’d been up to in recent times.

“How so?” said I.

“Okay, first off. You know all those worlds the DPAA observes and rescues?” said Maci.

“Yeah?”

“What do you think happens once they’ve finished adjusting to their heightened power levels and their crises have been resolved?”

I blinked. Then I facepalmed and sighed. I understood exactly what she was saying, and was frankly mortified not to have thought of it sooner.

From what I knew of the House of Antipodes before and after my run-in with the DPAA on Terminus-Earth, they generally only administered the worlds at arm’s length.

As such, once a world was no longer in crises and its status was no longer in flux, they’d most likely release it into the wild...so to speak. Removing the worlds from the console’s quarantine. A free world was a world that literally any being with the ability to travel between the worlds could travel to.

“Ugh...How bad is it?” I said.

“It’s not bad...Hell, this time it’s actually genuine fame rather than infamy or notoriety. I mean, I guess you could have tried to be more discrete, but we both know how that always goes. Plus it’s the recently ‘arisen’ worlds that get talked about the most these days, and considering the amount of work you used to do, roughly a two-thirds of the arisen worlds associated with terminus-earth, for the last few years, have had your fingerprints on them…”

“It’s not two-thirds… I didn’t work on nearly that many worlds,” I said. Eyes narrowed and arms crossed, as I totally didn’t pout at my friend.

“Right...Exactly how many worlds do you think the various branches of the DPAA processed each year? One million worlds? Two million? Maybe three on a good year...The only reason we’re even able to get those numbers is because most crisis worlds get deleted out of hand once it looks like it’d be unlikely for us to save them and there’s a chance of the problem spilling over onto the world’s neighbors…”

“And?” I said. Still feeling stubborn.

Maci smirked.

“And a slow day for you was resolving fifty to sixty thousand cases...On your better days, you resolved close to seventy or eighty thousand cases. And I’m not sure how, but it looked like you were well on your way to speeding things up and reaching a hundred thousand cases before the transfer…This isn’t even mentioning the percentage of those worlds whose crises were being successfully resolved...”

“And how exactly do you know this, again?” I said. Slowly giving in because the numbers sounded fairly correct, and insisting on the existence of “alternative facts” in the face of hard data would be stupid.

“Ah...Well, our departments are even more closely related than you might have thought...Worlds need observation before and after a crisis arises and is resolved. Who do you think ended up getting stuck reviewing your casework?”

“You?”

“Yes. Me. Me and four others...That’s how much work you created for us. Thankfully, it takes much less time and effort to observe a world’s stability than it does to resolve a world’s problems...Otherwise, I might have ended sending a few hexes your way, during the most stressful portions…” said Maci.

“Er...Sorry,” I said. Feeling a bit sheepish.

“Meh, it’s fine...The point is that there are others besides the people in our Department who noticed...Add in the whispers that you’ve been up to even bigger things lately and…”

“I’ve basically been putting a target on my back…” I said. Sounding glum because even though I’d already sort known that everything she was talking about would and was going to happen, it was still a little distressing to have it confirmed.

“Maybe...Maybe not. I suppose it depends on the IQ of the observer. It takes more power to create to destroy. It takes more skill to fix than break…There are beings who’ll recognize that…”

“Nh, understood...Thanks for the heads up. Anyway, enough about me...What’s happening on planet Maci?” I said. Once again changing the subject because I still had more dates coming and I didn’t want to end up being all depressed and ‘broody’ for them.

“Oh, you know...Same old, same old…” said Maci.

We spent the rest of our time together talking about nothing in particular. Pleasant gossiping and shooting the breeze. Then our time ran out and I moved on to the rest of my dates for the evening. They were alright, but I definitely leave that hotel feeling like I’d accomplished what I’d intended to do. Which was fine, I suppose, the speed dating event was mostly just something I’d done to get myself back into practice.