“Let the trial begin,” Violetta shouted, trying to make her voice sound deep.

The crowd let out a roar. Despite there probably being fewer spectators than at the palace, this small room made their cheers twice as loud.

In all the noise, Violetta quickly turned to me. “Did I do it right? How was my impersonation of the King?” Is that what she was doing?

“…It was fine,” I sighed.

The king. Even if this was only my third trial, the royal family’s absence felt strange. Without the muscle monarch around, who was going to awkwardly pretend like they knew what was going on? Without Yaika, who was going to interrupt us with stupid observations followed by really useful ones? Without Minzfel, who was going to be an annoying little piece of shit? Everything felt wrong.

I glanced over at the Count, his wife Ceai, and the bodyguard Nair sitting in wooden chairs behind Hadria. Not exactly as impactful as the king’s throne. Plus, it kind of felt like they were all backing the other side, what with their daughter in the trial and all. Come to think of it, they were literally behind her.

Speaking of Hadria, her standing at the table opposite of mine was the weirdest thing of all. She didn’t exactly scream… ‘smart’. How the hell did she intend on creating a logical argument to support her ‘Koln’s ugly so he did it’ argument?

Oh, and the tables were polished wood ones. I probably should have thought that was cool, but it just made me miss the ‘special’ fold out tables. Hitting these was going to hurt like fuck. Not that pounding on tables was an actual part of a trial, of course.

As the vampires quieted down, the Count finally spoke. “So what happens now?” Deva vu.

“Oh, I know this,” Hadria slammed her fists down on her table. “You have to bring the criminal out in a guillotine.”

“Okay, first of all, it’s the ‘accused’, not the ‘criminal’. We don’t know if he did it yet,” I cut her off. “And second, they don’t have to be in a guillotine.”

“I don’t even think we have one…” the Count grumbled.

“How are we supposed to have a trial without a guillotine?” Hadria scrunched up her mouth in disappointment. Lyili would be proud.

“Madam, if I may.” Nair’s wavy hair bounced as he stood up in his chair. “I have a solution to our predicament.” He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a pistol.

Holy shit. I practically flipped my table. I was going to have to bring up gun laws the next time I saw the king assuming I survived the night with these psychos.

“Koln.” Nair cast a cold gaze to the front row. “I ask that you cooperate.”

The crowd started to murmur amongst themselves as Koln stood up. He walked up the steps to the stage.

“What… are they doing?” Violetta whispered to me. How was I supposed to know? I wasn’t fucking insane.

Nair grabbed the chair he had been sitting in and moved it near the middle of the stage toward the back. Without a word, Koln sat down in it. A moment later, Nair was standing next to him, pointing the pistol directly at the ripped vampire’s temple.

“Oh! Good idea, Nair.” Hadria smiled. “That’s close enough to how it’s supposed to be.” Yeah… Demons were getting some strange ideas about what made a trial a trial.

“Your arm’s not going to get tired?” I asked, trying to sound as smug as I could. “This could take a while, you know.”

Nair didn’t even turn to look at me. “I will be fine, Mr. Allard.” What? Did they practice gun holding endurance too?

“Very good,” the Count said, his throat rumbling like he needed to hack a huge loogie. “Now what, sweetie?” Why the hell wasn’t he asking the trial expert?

“Now someone explains what happened to everyone.” Hadria put her finger on lips, moving them around. “I can do that.”

“Hold on a second,” I said. “It’s best if someone unrelated to the case explains.” Plus, I doubted Hadria would say anything beyond ‘Nimeni drank some blood and died’.

“In that case, allow me,” Nair said. Never mind. I wanted Hadria to do it. “Last night, the Count and four of our members engaged in the five-year ritual to officially enter into the family.”

“You mean they weren’t already a part of it?” Violetta pipped up.

“That’s right. The Count is a very cautious man, and for very good reason.”

“Trust is everything in our line of work,” Count Smoker Cough said. “It’s the hardest thing to earn. It’s the easiest thing to lose. I won’t let anyone stay the night in this house until I trust them.”

“Alright.” I didn’t really understand why it had to be exactly five years, but whatever. “Go on.”

“The ceremonial cup of blood was passed around. A few minutes after Nimeni drank, he died from garlic poisoning.” The crowd didn’t like that. A rain of boos came down. Who were they booing at though? Garlic?

“What order did they drink?” I asked.

The Count cleared his nasty-ass throat. “Koln took the first drink.” That didn’t look good. “Then Nimeni, then Inel, then Bani. I always drink last.”

“Ryley…” Violetta nudged my side. “If Koln drank first… couldn’t that have been when he put the garlic on the cup?”

“Keep your voice down,” I snapped. “Do you want us to lose immediately?”

“Oops.” She threw her hands over her mouth.

Violetta was right. Hadria acted like she had just picked him randomly, but he was obviously the suspicious one here. I needed to get everyone’s attention off this fact as quickly as possible.

“S-So who all was there in the room?” I stammered.

“Koln, of course.” Nair moved the gun slightly in his hand, but the giant didn’t even flinch. “And as the Count has said, Inel, Bani, and Nimeni. Madam Ceai and Madam Hadria were also present.”

“So seven in all?” I asked.

“That’s correct. I’m surprised you’re capable of counting them yourself, Mr. Allard.” Seriously, fuck this guy. It was time to bring out the obvious big guns.

“So what about the mind control, huh?” I slammed my fist down and immediately regretted it. Ouch. “H-How do I… uh, know that someone didn’t hypnotize Koln into putting the garlic on the cup?”

“Because vampires can’t be hypnotized. Duh.” Hadria laughed. “There wasn’t anyone there that could have been taken over.”

“Uh, except there totally was,” I sighed. “She’s sitting right behind you.”

“Huh?” Hadria turned around. “Who?” Seriously?

“Your mom is a succubus… remember?” I could feel the patience draining from my body.

“Oh her?” Hadria tried flicking her hair over her shoulder but her hair was literally shoulder length. Lyili fail. “That kind of stuff wouldn’t work on her.”

“…And why’s that, exactly?”

“It’s simple.” Ceai gave me a confident smile. “A vampire can only give a hypnotic suggestion to someone younger than them.”

“Someone younger?”

“That’s right.” She placed a hand on her dangerously-close-to-popping-out-of-her-robe breasts. “I may not look it, but I assure you, the only one old enough to hypnotize me in the entire mansion is my husband.” She tilted her head slightly.

“And I think we can all agree how ridiculous the idea of my husband doing that sounds.”

Fuck. Well so much for that.

“Wow!” Violetta dropped her fist into her open palm. “So there’s an age limit. I never knew that!” Was she trying to cover for the fact that she never mentioned that to me?

“Alright, what about Hadria then?” I pointed at her. “She’s half succubus, right?”

“And half vampire too,” the Count said, his tone a somber one. “Normally, I’d say there’s a fifty-fifty chance of it working depending on genes, but in Hadria’s case, it’s impossible.”

“Impossible?”

“Mr. Allard…” He gave me a pained expression. “A vampire can’t hypnotize someone without looking into their eyes. Both of them.” Oh. I could see where he was going with this.

Ugh. This mind control theory wasn’t taking. I would just have to approach this from a different angle. In other words, I needed to get some of these bloodsuckers to start talking.

“I think I understand the situation,” I said, trying to still sound confident. “Hadria, please call your first witness.”

“Oh fuck, this is awesome. Just like the real thing.” Hadria could hardly contain herself. “Daddy, this is what I was talking about! This is the part where the suspects come up and talk and then we see if they’re telling the truth or not.”

The Count smiled warmly back at his daughter. “Oh, so this is it, is it?”

“Can… we just get someone up here please?” I asked.

“Hmm…” Hadria adjusted her eyepatch slightly. “I guess we should have Koln talk first.” In an instant, everyone in the room was staring at him.

“Well, go on then,” Nair said, keeping his gun in place.

Koln stayed silent as his eyes scanned the audience. After a moment, he finally opened his mouth. “What is there to say?”

“Just tell us what happened during the ceremony,” Violetta yelled. “Didn’t you notice anything weird? Did anyone do anything suspicious?” Thankfully, she didn’t ask if anyone hit their foot against their desk this time.

“Suspicious?” Koln’s deep voice rumbled. “No.”

“N-Nothing at all?” Violetta grabbed onto her horns. “Didn’t… anyone hit their foot on their desk or anything?” Never mind.

“You realize your life is on the line right now, don’t you?” I put my hands down flat on the table and leaned in his direction. “We need to know any details you can think of. Anything at all.”

Koln stared at me for a few seconds. “It’s Ryley, isn’t it?”

“…Yes.” Did he really need to confirm that with me right now?

“I appreciate what you’re doing.” His eyes moved back to the crowd again. “But you have to understand… the other men that drank from that cup last night are like family to me. I trust them with my life.”

Uh-oh.

“None of them would have killed Nimeni like that.” A single tear ran down his cheek. “And if they didn’t do it, then that means I did.” The crowd went into an uproar.

Cool. My client was saying he was guilty.

This trial was over before it even began.