My world was white-hot pain.

I could barely hear the demon’s taunts as he assailed my spirit. I pulled all the tricks I had learned to remain aware and push him back.

But I was just not strong enough.

I think I heard someone scream, or maybe that was me.

Even the last scraps of awareness faded despite my effort.

“Welcome to the Meditation and Positivity coulse. I am mastel Zheng,” The Asian meditation guru introduces himself with a cliched accent. I’m already regretting coming here. How’s this gonna help me? Probably just another waste of time.

“… Or that is what you’d expect me to say, heh?” He says, going 180 degrees and shutting off the fake guru smile, along with the accent.

I perk up. I guess the meta stunt made me a little curious.

“This course is not for delusional optimists,” He begins, walking back and forth the stage. “I will teach you how to withstand the most crippling mental pressures and face the inevitable reality waiting in ambush behind the corner…”

A smile creeps on my face. Finally, someone who knows what people actually need.

“I’ll start by teaching you how to embrace the void…” He turns his palms upwards and smiles again.

Nobody imagines the unorthodox teaching regime to follow…

“Alright. Allen, this is Yuri, our prized penetration tester. He will assist you in securing our mainline product,” My new manager says. “I’ll let you introduce yourselves. I got a call on the line.”

The manager, whose name I’ve already forgotten, walks away, fumbling with his cellphone. Good thing I can just call him boss.

“So, Yuri, heh? It’s funny, in Japanese-”

“A мудила weeb,” He murmurs, adding more Russian sounding insults. I know they’re insults. There are Russians in my clan who always scream obscenities.

“Your joke is as old as this company’s routers.” He says finally. I freeze. A counter-pun that reveals he knows who I am. Fucking gossip.

“Funny you would mention routers.” I take the bait.

“Yes, very funny. I’m sure the network admins, who were so close to upgrading to post-war equipment, and were denied, must be overjoyed.”

Whoa, this Yuri dude, who speaks with heavy sarcasm and a Russian accent, is a bag of fun! I already like the guy.

“Want to know what is funny too?” The Russian pokes at me. I bet it’s the other kind of fun.

“How a friend of mine lost his job because a certain consultant automated a whole department,” He continues, casting an accusative glare.

Someone says “Ooohh” in a hushed tone. I see… I’m behind enemy lines. But I can turn this around.

“Ah, that’s funny, actually,” I say, increasing my smile by 20%. Yuri narrows his eyes, ready to hate me, but I had anticipated this day. “I know a very funny story about a manager who didn’t believe in backups and didn’t let anyone see how his golden goose worked. So, he never noticed his machine responding at dept06.m083.corp.net having an open port on 45577, waiting for a telnet client to say ‘KILLDED’, to bring the whole thing down because he decided to let greed blind him.”

Yuri stares at me in the eyes in dumbfounded silence for a moment, then sits down and starts stabbing at his keyboard.

I’m actually impressed he remembered everything without asking me a second time.

Two minutes later, he turns his head slowly toward me. “Blyat. You’re one crazy motherfucker,” He offers his hand. “Welcome to the team, comrade.”

The old manager was a cunt, although I am a consultant, I was expecting some kind of reward.

I’d have shut it all down right there, but I was concerned about being found out. Well, a pen tester must know how to hide his traces.

“By the way, I found the fix for those routers on a Russian forum,” I say, shaking his hand.

We get stuck in a feedback loop of increasing grip strength and tenser smiles.

I’m young again, and I’m starting a new year. Robert, the bully, makes a beeline toward me. Why won’t he leave me alone?

“Oh, look! It’s Allen the wimp.” He says, looking around to bask in the smirks of his pals. “What are you gonna do now without your girl calling the teachers for help?”

“I don’t need to be defended!” I yell back at him.

He prods and pushes me, stabbing his finger at me. “Ohhh! Look! He doesn’t need defending!”

I try to punch him, but he parries and slaps my face. Then he kicks me on the sternum, making me fall down. I hate him so much. His lackeys are laughing. I hate them too.

The other kids stay away to escape Robert’s notice. No one stands up for me. I’m all alone.

“Wanna know what I heard from my mom?” He says, posturing like he’s giving a show. “She told me that your friend’s mom came back and that-”

“Very good!” Master Zheng says, dropping a hand on my shoulder.

There are only five people left. He addresses us all.

“Yes, you stopped yourself from shivering in the cold. From sneezing. From tickles and many other obstacles,” Master Zheng circles around us. “You now realize all of these achievements are but one simple state of mind. Embracing the void. Which also stops you from feeling.”

All this time and the answer was so simple. I can finally control my anger.

“Now, you have choice in what to think. You have control in what to feel,” He pauses. “Your right to choose was earned. Be positive that nothing will be able to break you, lest you allow it to.”

The course is over. We’re leaving.

I feel like some blanks in a grand picture have been filled, a step closer toward something I’d rather avoid but must pursue.

I’m the last to leave. Master Zheng glances at me, his hands linked behind his back. He nods at me, a knowing smile painted on his lips.

I nod back, wondering what sort of complicit message he thinks he’s conveying.

Perhaps he recognized in me what I recognized in him. A tacit understanding between individuals who are on another level.

I realize Master Zheng is one of the few people I can deem worthy of respect.

Robert is lying down. It was so easy… a punch to the face.

He’s so surprised he’s not even reacting, just staring open-eyed.

I kneel down and grab his throat. “What did you just say?”

He tries to punch me, but I feel nothing. I slam his head down a couple of times and repeat my question.

I’m running down a familiar road.

There’s a doorbell. I need to know. It must be a lie.

I press the button, again and again. I never felt like this before. My heart hammers in my chest like never before.

I see the door opening, ███’s mom comes out and looks at me.

All I need to know is written on her face.

All I can ask is…

“Why… Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, my voice breaking. “Why couldn’t you let me say goodbye?!”

My vision blurs with tears. I can’t stop them. Why? Why was I not even allowed to hold her hand one last time?

I don’t understand. I just don’t.

███’s mom is crying too, and she lowers down to hug me.

“I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry.” She repeats.

I remember my friend’s smiling face. I can’t accept she’s… gone. My tears keep going.

“I wanted to tell you…” Her voice quivers too. “You were her best friend. But she…”

“She just-” She sobs. “She just couldn’t let you see her like that. She wanted…”

Her arms hold tighter.

“She wanted you to forget about her and be ha-happy.” She ends with another sob.

Forget?

How could I possibly forget my nest friend?

How could I ever forget my first love?

We cry until the tears run out.

I feel empty.

“So, what’s your story?” Yuri asks while analyzing my code. “What brought a brilliant mind such as yours into this corporate hellhole?”

I remain silent.

He starts himself, “I was a little shit who hacked into the wrong server and had to sell his skills as a security analyst to avoid a prison sentence. My father was married to vodka and never bothered with me. Then it turned out I was really good at my job, so I left my shitty home… And here I am.”

I stare at Yuri, waiting a moment before replying. Honest truth should be repaid in kind.

“I wanted to make games. Then my childhood friend died. I punched a bully in the face so hard nobody ever touched me again,” I said. “So in the end, I became a piece of shit and landed a job at a small company because I didn’t want to become a corporate drone. You can see how well that worked out.”

Yuri considers my words in silence.

“I had a childhood friend too. Got himself an OD on some drug while I was working overseas,” He says finally. “Never had the chance to say goodbye.”

Silence. The way he said it… We may grow jaded and cynical, but our regrets are never really forgotten. This must be what they call “growing up”. Sometimes I think all that actually happens is that we just become even worse assholes.

“By the way, I have found 6 new vulnerabilities.” He says, changing the topic.

I sigh heavily, taking out my Vaseline tube I brought as a prop, making it a grand show. “Go easy on me, Yuri…”

The bad mood is cleared.

But deep inside, I know well that regret. Never had the chance to say goodbye.

It’s the one thing I regret.

I’m a kid again.

We did it!

Our game is done!

I make a copy for ███ in another floppy. This feeling of having made something I can be proud of and share it with someone else. It fills me with happiness.

I couldn’t ever have done it without her.

Our first game made together. A fantasy story about a hero called Nalel trying to rescue princess Mya from the evil sorcerer Mael.

Pay attention!

The best ending required the protagonist to meet with the Fae queen, Titania, and obtain the water of restoration, a secret requirement for saving the princess, who would otherwise die in the Hero’s grasp due to a curse laid upon her by the villain.

Upon meeting the villain, he would mock the Hero and introduce himself. “I am Mael Ukie, sorcerer of the Forbidden Tower. Who are you to challenge me?”

How couldn’t I see it?

I played the game over and over, every time noticing a new mistake or an error.

But I was looking at the words while I should have looked at the message…

While making it together, we both shared laughs and smiles. It was easy to forget we would be apart.

She was trying to tell me all along…

“███! Wait!” I stop her as she’s leaving. I dash toward my room to take the floppy disk and head back.

“You can’t go without your copy of the game!” I offer her the diskette, sporting a tacky label colored with markers that says “Fantasy Land”.

She happily accepts the floppy disk, cradling it in her arms.

“Thank you, Ally.” She smiles.

The last smile I see of her. Forever burnt in my memory.

Tell her… tell her how beautiful her smile is.

That memory freezes in time.

And I’m aware again.

They say when you’re about to die, you see your life flashing before your eyes.

In this very moment, I can actually feel, just like I used back then.

All the joys and sorrows. The young me and the cynical me.

I savor it all one last time.

The memory fades like smoke on a black canvas.

Only she remains.

Not with a smile, but with an expression devoid of anything.

“Amy…” I call out to her.

But it’s not her. Just an echo, taking shape in my dreams.

I stare at Not-Amy. Her gaze is lost to the eternal blackness that surrounds us.

I attempt to feel my body. But no sensation reaches back to me.

Am I still alive? I could always feel something when lucid, now there was nothing.

I should feel sad, but not even that is granted to me. The moment to feel has gone. I just hope my sacrifice was enough to save the kids.

I don’t have many friends, but for a true friend, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do.

After a seemingly endless time, I hear Amy whispering something, “I want to forget,” I turn my attention back to her.

Her silhouette shimmers. She is now my younger self.

Young Allen, empathetic, weak, insecure.

I’m stronger now. There is nothing that can break my will. It’s other things that break to my will.

But everything comes with a price…

The silhouette shimmers again, turning back into Amy.

I guess I’m talking to my own subconscious. I sit down beside Amy and peer into the void, just like her.

“Sometimes we just have to deal with it, don’t we?” I ask a rhetorical question. “Even though we were doing completely fine, but nooo! Some asshole goddess had to come around and fuck shit up. And then that demon son-of-a-bitch nightmare god as well.”

I’m so tired of being treated like a puppet.

I could have done without the trip to memory lane. And the lame-ass nightmares.

My own nightmares had been magnitudes more terrifying and sinister. And they made me feel alive.

They gradually grew darker and more disturbing. Until one day, when they culminated into an endlessly looping nightmare that never seemed to end. It only stopped when I became something worse than the nightmare itself.

That’s when the nightmares went away, along with my ability to be afraid.

One thing less I could consume…

“The hunger, it hurts.” She says, immobile like a statue. Her expressionless face betrays nothing.

The hunger. The hunger to feel alive. To feel. To fill the emptiness.

“I know what you mean. To consume all, just to feel-”

Alive. The thought resonates like an echo inside my mind.

And like that, I consumed many other things, sadness, joy, music, stories, games. I methodically hunted down everything that could make me feel, leaving empty deserts behind.

The only wells that never dried were anger and amusement.

It was very fitting for me to find myself in a black void in the end. I can really taste the irony.

The girl, which is not Amy, turns her head toward me. I feel the pressure of her gaze. I should be startled by the suddenness, but I’m not. She is just another me.

“I want it,” I sense a yearning in that monotone voice. “I want to feel alive.” She says.

“But we lost,” I state. I’m glad I practiced lucid dreaming and managed to remain aware.

I trust in Ellin, but my prospects are hopeless. It was just for a fraction, but I felt the overpowering presence of the demonic spirit burrowing deep into my mana body.

Too strong, too deep. I realize what an unreasonable request I made to Ellin. It will tear me asunder..

How long has it been since I lost consciousness?

I hope she managed to use the enchanted chain on me. Whatever happens, I don’t want to wake up as someone else’s slave. Better they destroy me along with the demon.

I’m kinda disappointed I’ll never see Ellin achieving her dream of becoming a Spiritwalker. Or to see the peaks Namrick would reach. Or to see what new tricks and jokes Grastel would come up with. Or what artifacts Yusdrolir would end up crafting. Or how Lena would grow up. Or what new recipe Elaida would cook up.

I wanted to see. I wanted to know. I wanted to experience it all.

I understand intimately what hunger my subconscious talks about. I know myself all too well.

Without noticing, I shrink down. I’m eye to eye with Amy.

She looks so tired.

I reach for her cheek, just as she reaches for mine.

Take all of me,

the desires

that keep burning deep inside…

The memory of a song plays in the background. Dreams truly are amazing… like...

Magic.

Anger wells up in me, filling my whole being.

It’s not enough.

“It’s not enough,” Amy echoes. This time there’s a hint of despair on her face.

Just when I was learning magic, the real deal. My impossible dream since childhood.

Just when I had found true friends, to whom I could open my dried-up heart.

“IT’S NOT ENOUGH!” She screams. Her eyes are deep pools of darkness.

“All of me,” I promise. “I’ll give it everything.”

I embrace the void and feed it my all.

I’m not afraid of nightmares,

it’s them that should fear me.

I reach out to the world of pain.

Something loosens…

And the void

turns

white.